#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year; 6 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: For me, it was the Brady tuck ruling against the Raiders that one year in the playoffs that kinda proved to me the NFL was fixed like wrestling. It made Brady the wonderboy supreme, and then after 9/11, the Patriots won another Super Bowl, like a CBS Sunday Night movie playing out before my eyes. I'm surprised Pat Tillman doesn't have a younger brother who plays special teams wedgebuster for the Pats at this point.
FRESH INJECTION: I was pretty disappointed the Redskins didn't keep Shawn Springs. He had injury issues, but the dude was a tape hound, and he instilled his personality on the rest of the secondary, even when he was out with a hamstring or whatever. I think on a defense that lost a lot of its key ingredients, Springs will at least keep the secondary tight and focused. That dude is straight up coach material.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Nothing can be the soul of this team more than the Wonderboy Tom Brady.
TEAM ASS: I am not entirely sure why, but I do not like that Wes Welker at all. I think maybe his alliterative name and spunky little whiteboy schtick reminds me too much of Joe Jurevicius, who I always thought was a giant douche too.
TRENDSETTER: Bill Belichick gave this franchise it's best years, and he is generally regarded as the ultimate fuckface in the NFL at this point, because he gets veteran players, quality low round draft picks, and dupes Al Davis out of shit regularly. The future of the Patriots will ride Belichick's motivational swing. Does holmes ride this shit out and try to win like 7 Super Bowls in New England? Or does he get the big ego thing big coaches do where they want to leave behind the awesome shit they built to take two years off, then go somewhere really shitty and see if they can do it again? Belichick had a pretty shitty run of it in Cleveland, so maybe he'll be straight in New England until he retires.
TEAM ELDER: Kevin Faulk was a second round pick in 1999, the year before they got Brady in the draft.
THE RUDY: Starting guard Stephen Neal was a collegiate wrestler at Cal State-Bakersfield, came to New England undrafted right before 9/11, and has developed into an integral part of their big, ugly whiteboy O-line.
FORMER TROJAN: No former Southern California Trojans on the roster, probably too primadonna for Belichick's taste. But they do have Adalius Thomas, who played at Southern Mississippi.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginians on their roster either, fucking assholes. Randy Moss though did come up in West Virginia and probably could've played at Virginia Tech had they really thought about it, because they have pretty low standards for players when it comes to personal conduct. I'm not faulting them, because it works, but yeah, convicted felons at the age of 18 are pretty much welcome in Blacksburg nowadays.
WILD SAMOAN: No Samoans either. Man, Belichick must be racist against fringe elements. Let us recognize Pat Chung here instead, because he is a Chinaman. Plus, Pat Chung played at Oregon, meaning he rolled with some longhaired Samoans almost certainly. Updated Samoan (amongst other elements) Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young, Oregon, and Utah - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: BenJarvus Green-Ellis has all sorts of names packed into his name, and barely beats out Tully Banta-Cain in this category, although I have always been impressed with the name "Tully". You name your boy Tully and he's gonna be a roughneck, no doubt.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Logan Mankins' family is heavily invested in biotechnology, and benefits from Boston getting more National Institute of Health funding than any other metropolitan area in America. Plus, Logan Mankins is fucking awesome.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: I am a football egghead! I predict they will win the AFC East and also win the Super Bowl. How daring!
#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS
PERTINENT DATA: 15-4 last season, won the AFC North, as well as the Super Bowl; 9 to 1 odds to repeat this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Steelers, from my youth when Jack Lambert scared the fuck out of me, has always been personified by scary fucking linebackers, in a steady stream, that get let go in the free agency era because they have some other just as scary fucking linebacker gnawing at skeletal wristbones to get on the field and tear some shit up. Seriously, I know Chicago has this stellar reputation as a linebacker team, but I think Chicago sports in general benefits from a prominent nerd demographic that waxes poetically about shit like the Cubs or Bears linebackers or whatever the fuck. Pittsburgh just does it, and has had like five different Brian Urlachers in the past 15 years, just not white and looking like a state trooper, so you can't market them to your closet racist fanbase so easily, like you'd have to in Chicago.
FRESH INJECTION: First round draft pick Ziggy Hood has a lovely name and will be expected to inject venom into the D-line as soon as he's properly indoctrinated into the Steeler way.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Ben Roethlisberger is like a Tom Brady for dudes who aren't fucking fruits. Ben Roethlisberger should be President. I'd vote for the dude in a heartbeat, twice.
TEAM ASS: There's no Steelers I can say I really dislike, but if I had to pick one I'd pick Hines Ward, mostly because I hate Koreans. They blew up my grandfather and left him for dead and I will never forgive nor forget.
TRENDSETTER: You know, Mike Tomlin is such an intense youngish black dude coach on the sidelines, and you believe it. But dude went to William & Mary, which, of Virginia colleges, has the highest gay and lesbian rates and suicide rates and all sorts of nerdy ass shit going on. Like, it's hard to imagine anyone being tough there. Which I guess is why Tomlin is so awesome because he can transcend cultures, be intelligent and high-minded, yet flare his nostrils and look like he might shank you. His ability to do such in the NFL will determine the Steelers long-term health, because Art Modell keeps his coaches around forever. (What, they've had like four coaches in 50 years or some shit?) Personally, I think Tomlin is way better than Cowher was, and even Cowher won a Super Bowl eventually.
TEAM ELDER: Former starter and star Deshea Townsend is now a reserve role player cornerback, but he was their 4th round pick in 1998, and he's been around town forever.
THE RUDY: The Steelers seem to be stocked with undrafted dudes, and Willie Parker is already like 4th all-time on the undrafted rushing list, yet he's probably not even the best undrafted dude on his team, as last year's defensive player of the year and Super Bowl hero James Harrison came in undrafted out of Kent State and has wreaked fucking havoc as the latest scary fucking linebacker in a black jersey from Pittsburgh.
FORMER TROJAN: Samoan sex symbol Troy Polamalu was a former USC Trojan.
VIRGINIA BOY: My old high school briefly moved into a different district right after I graduated, with one that this high school called Matoaca was in. Around that time they had this kid James Farrior who was playing like Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, breaking motherfuckers in half. He went on to play at UVA, was drafted by the New York Jets, came over to the Steelers and is starting his lucky 13th year in the NFL as a professional athlete. And now you know the rest of the story.
WILD SAMOAN: Since I already name-dropped Polamalu, let us recognize the immense size and talent of 344-pound guard Chris Kemoeatu, from the University of Utah, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Limas Sweed, without a doubt. I grew those one time, but the squash bugs got them after they were done with my zucchinis.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Casey Hampton, steel magnate. That sounds like a porn, hopefully with a nice double penetration scene.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Steelers should dominate again, win their AFC North division again, but fall in the AFC Championship against the Patriots.
#3: NEW YORK GIANTS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5, won the NFC East, and then flamed the fuck out; 10 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: As a Redskins fan, I identify the Giants with the Lawrence Taylor/Bill Parcells era, when they were division rivals, but you couldn't really hate them as much as the other divisional rivals. I mean Dallas is Dallas, which is like the Al Qaeda of the NFL - absolutely no way to defend them. And the Eagles are okay but have a degenerate fanbase that makes them pretty easy to hate as well, if you can still see them through the pepper spray. So I always see the Giants as this team that I should hate but just don't have the emotion to hate like that, and kinda wish bad upon, but not too hard.
FRESH INJECTION: Hakeem Nicks, eventually, will make people forget about Plaxico Burress. Dude was a hotshot at UNC and stood out in games as the one dude on the field who had a high arc of potential, which he was just starting to realize in college. He's gonna fuck some shit up, eventually.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Osi Umenyiora being out all last year was tough on the Giants, although it probably gave him more free time to piss on chicks for a sexual fetish. Really, this dude is crazy, and good, which is a nice combination for your star defensive front 7 guy to have and force on the rest of the team like he forces his way on women in all likelihood.
TEAM ASS: Fuck an Eli Manning, and every Manning, but especially Eli. I actually think at some point during last season, Eli passed Peyton as my least favorite NFL player, because Eli's "aww shucks" schtick is even stupider in New York City, especially considering he ain't done shit compared to his brother. Fuck his Super Bowl ring.
TRENDSETTER: USC Trojan wide receivers have not amounted to much in the Pete Carroll era at USC, but whether or not Steve Smith can live up to the hype will determine how well the Giants do this year, and maybe next, until Nicks gets up to speed. It must suck to be the Giants Steve Smith wide receiver, because you're not even the best Steve Smith in the NFC.
TEAM ELDER: Rich Seubert joined the Giants in 2001, as an undrafted kid out of Western Illinois University.
THE RUDY: Well, obviously Seubert would be the most appropriate, but he's already claimed above. That gives me the perfect spot to highlight Antonio Pierce, who was undrafted, but actually started with the Redskins, not the Giants, and usually in this spot I prefer dudes who started with the team they're on as an undrafted fucker. But Antonio Pierce is a solid dude, and I was sad to see him go from D.C.
FORMER TROJAN: Nickelback Terrell Thomas be from USC.
VIRGINIA BOY: Man, former UVA star Chris Canty plays for the Cowboys, then goes to the Giants. That dude sucks.
WILD SAMOAN: No Samoans, so I pick Mathias Kiwanuka here, since that sounds like he's third cousins with Christian Okoye at least. He played at Boston College, who regularly get black dudes with third world names on their team, like B.J. Raji from last year's BC team. So the incredibly misleading Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: They have a dude called Guy Whimper on their roster. Guy Whimper.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Though Chase Blackburn gives him a run for his position as head of the Securities Exchange, Madison Hedgecock is the man who has membership into all the exclusive private clubs where you smoke opium out of Sitting Bull's skull and no one who has 1/64th black, Jew, or too close to the Mediterranean in them can get into.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Giants will probably scratch out another NFC East title this year, and then lose their first playoff game. I just don't see Tom Coughlin being that successful this deep into a tenure at a team.
#4: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5 last season, got a wild card invite to the playoffs where they embarrassingly lost to stupid Norv Turner and his San Diego Chargers; 12 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Them packing up and bolting Baltimore in the middle of the night is pretty much it. If you’re gonna bolt somewhere in the middle of the night, wouldn’t you pick somewhere better than fucking Indiana?
FRESH INJECTION: Well, they don’t really get free agents, so let’s just say their 1st round draft pick Donald Brown, who hopes to play the new Edgerrin James/Marshall Faulk role opposite Joseph Addai.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Well, I’d like to say Bob Sanders, who is a demon on defense, but it’s not like the Colts are infamous for their defense, though it plays well enough to allow them success. They are an offensive juggernaut for years now, and the soul of that shit is violent and racist center Jeff Saturday, who I’d love to go whitewater rafting with through West Virginia, and then be stranded, and have some dudes trying to take advantage of us, but Saturday could save us, except I’d help the West Virginia dudes fuck him up instead, gambling that my turn of sides would allow me to not be ass-raped. And who knows? Maybe I’ll get to ass-rape someone else. That’s how all good whitewater rafting trips should end.
TEAM ASS: I would say stupid fucking Peyton Manning, but I have to use him in a different category later, and for some reason I’m making myself stick to the “don’t list a dude in two categories” parameter. So I will say Adam Vinatieri is the team fuckface, because I hated him in New England, and then he went to the Colts, which is like the only team I hate more than them. Really, the only thing he could do to suck more in my mind is to build a time machine and go back in time to sign a free agent contract with Bill Walsh’s 49ers.
TRENDSETTER: How will Reggie Wayne adjust to being the new Marvin Harrison? This will decide the Colts ability to milk another run or two out of this aging collection of fuckers.
TEAM ELDER: Peyton Manning, a first round pick in 1998. I find it interesting that John Elways, who was picked by the Colts, but dickfaced his way out of it to play in Denver, was a precursor to Eli Manning, who did the same thing with San Diego to go to New York. And Peyton goes to Indianapolis as their first franchise quarterback in a quarter century in between. The NFL is so fucking fixed.
THE RUDY: Linebacker Gary Brackett is a beast from Rutgers who was undrafted into the pros because when he played at Rutgers, everybody was still all like, “Hahaha, yeah right Rutgers. The only thing good you can say about them is they’re not Temple.”
FORMER TROJAN: Defensive tackle rookie Fili Moala came from the USC, and also further skews USC out of the Samoan Pride Scoreboard.
VIRGINIA BOY: Tom Santi was Virginia’s tight end after Heath Miller, to where they were like, “He’s as good as Heath Miller, we’re like TE U here!” Except he wasn’t quite as good as Heath Miller, though good enough to be a solid contributing tight end on a pro team that loves three wide receiver sets.
WILD SAMOAN: Fili Moala may be spoken for, but they’ve still got linebacker Freddy Keiaho on this team, repping San Diego State University. Your Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1
THE ICKY: WR Pierre Garcon, which is French for Peter Guy, who also played at Division III Mount Union, which is the most dominant ass football team in college. Seriously, they’ve only lost like five games in fifteen years.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: I don’t know, Dallas Clark exploits illegally obtained soybean crop reports to do insider trading or some shit. I’m mailing some of this preview in, in case you were wondering.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They’ll finish second in the AFC South again, get a wild card berth again, and lose early in the playoffs again.
#5: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-9 last year, won the AFC West by default; 14 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: They can have whatever the fuck they want, but that crazy fucking Air Coryell offense in the ‘80s that had like four more solid TD threats than any other team in the NFL will always be the shit I think of, until dementia sets in at least.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie Larry English has all the earmarkings at small school linebacker to be the next Bryan Cox in the NFL. Plus he might be able to actually play when Shawne Merriman’s fashion show dance club party ass disappears onto the injured reserve again.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Antonio Gates is a rock solid motherfucker, and leads by example, without all the fucking hype of an L.T.
TEAM ASS: Shawne Merriman... I don’t know, something’s not quite right with that dude. I fully expect him to at some point get busted with a bunch of amyl nitrate.
TRENDSETTER: Well, it’s not a trend so much as a doomed mediocrity, but for as long as amazingly persistent yet unnotable head coach Norv Turner can do just enough to keep his job, the Chargers will underperform in the long run, yet do just enough in their crappy division to not justify hitting the reset button on themselves.
TEAM ELDER: Long snapper David Binn was an undrafted free agent onto this team in 1994, making him not only the longest tenured player for the Chargers, but I think the longest tenured player in the same city in the entire NFL.
THE RUDY: They are loaded with college free agents, such as the aforementioned Binn and Gates. Also of note is starting guard Kris Dielman, a solid Pro Bowler who plays like it’s the 1970s still.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie safety Kevin Ellison.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginia college players, but Raleigh ain’t that far away, so starting QB Philip Rivers probably hit Virginia for whatever you’d hit Virginia for if you were in North Carolina. Honestly, I can’t think of anything that would be, unless you liked assholes from New York or military kids a lot.
WILD SAMOAN: Brandon Manumaleuna continues a great Samoan tight end tradition with the Chargers that was started, and probably limited to before Manumaleuna, by Alfred Pupunu, who Dick Enberg said one time during a game, was really running with the coconut. Manumaleuna played at Arizona, and I had to retype his name 9 times in this paragraph. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young and Oregon - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Jacques Cesaire, who should be offseason homeboys with Pierre Garcon.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Antwan Applewhite is rich, bitch, from defense contracts with the navy.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Chargers should win the AFC West, even if half their players concuss themselves retarded, but will lose out early in the playoffs.
#6: DALLAS COWBOYS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year; for some reason considered 14 to 1 odds to win the Super bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Michael Irvin and two other players have sex with a whore, doing crack with her, and videotaping the whole affair, that’s the Cowboys in a nutshell.
FRESH INJECTION: Welcome to Dallas Jon Kitna.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Jason Witten is a gangsta ass white dude, which means lots of rednecks around here wear his jersey.
TEAM ASS: With T.O. gone, Roy Williams inherits his title of self-absorbed piece of shit, although to be fair, he’s not half the piece of shit T.O. is.
TRENDSETTER: Truly the trendsetter for this team is Jerry Jones and his own personal wackiness. Does he delusionally think this team should be in the Super Bowl, or will he be happy with a solidly high mediocre season, which would be pretty impressive considering Ralph Wiggum was not fired as head coach.
TEAM ELDER: Flozell Adams was a 2nd round pick in 1998.
THE RUDY: Tony Romo, that cute little fucker, he was an undrafted college free agent in 2003, out of Eastern Illinois University.
FORMER TROJAN: Kickoff specialist David Buehler came from the Trojans. Even their kickers are getting in the NFL.
VIRGINIA BOY: Tight end John Phillips was the latest and leastest claim to UVA’s Tight End U title.
WILD SAMOAN: Defensive tackle Junior Siavii, from Oregon. Big dudes named Junior tend to be okay dudes. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii, Oregon, and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Igor Olshansky, some sort of Romanian feral child grown up I think.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Orlando Scandrick straight got paid off of oil derricks. Now he owns white slaves in Brazil.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Dallas will finish 3rd in the NFC East, and not go to the playoffs, and Ralph Wiggum will cry a funny cry on the sidelines.
#7: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
PERTINENT DATA: 11-7-1 last season, and made a run to the NFC Championship game before finally losing; 16 to 1 odds to win it all this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: When the Redskins played the Eagles a few years back, drunken Eagles fans took over part of Fedex Field, and security had to pepper spray the crowd, which caught the wind and floated onto the field. That’s the Eagles for you.
FRESH INJECTION: Michael Vick is my man and I solidly support him because who amongst us who is a regular guy with a normal sized dick doesn’t like to watch the dogfights? People need to stop being so white.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Brian Westbrook carries this team at times, and he does so quietly and usually half-hobbled by an assortment of Homer Simpson-esque injuries.
TEAM ASS: Let’s go with Andy Reid, because he’s a fat fuck and was so concerned with football all his sons ended up degenerates who are probably braiding hair in jail by now.
TRENDSETTER: Will Jeremy Maclin develop into a legit WR threat, or will they still just flow with the go of one for-real WR, a white dude, and a third dude, like they’ve done for years now?
TEAM ELDER: Donovan McNabb was a first round draft pick in 1999, although David Akers was a free agent addition that same offseason.
THE RUDY: Safety Quintin Mikell was undrafted out of Boise State in 2003, and his intensity was part of the reason the Eagles let Brian Dawkins go.
FORMER TROJAN: Defensive tackle Mike Patterson came from USC.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie cornerback Macho Harris was out of Virginia Tech, as well as high school ball in Richmond, and I’m sad he has to play for such a fuckfaced team.
WILD SAMOAN: Tackle Fenuki Tupou, a rookie from Oregon, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Oregon - 5, Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Sav Rocca is a nice name, sounding like some shit from a Cormac McCarthy book.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Stanford Keglar’s family built the first bank in America, right in downtown Philadelphia.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They will finish second to the Giants in the NFC East, but I actually expect them to make the Super Bowl. Man, I pick the Eagles and the Patriots in the Super Bowl... real fucking bold, hunh?
#8: TENNESSEE TITANS
PERTINENT DATA: 13-4 last season, won the AFC South, but lost to Ravens in the wild card round; 18 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this season.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: That wacky miracle play against Buffalo is the Titans to me. I’ve always kinda liked them, but never really go out of my way to see them.
FRESH INJECTION: Nate Washington is allegedly going to give Kerry Collins someone to throw the football too more regularly, and hopefully not call “nigger”.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Jevon Kearse has been off and on this roster forever, and he’s a role player now, granted, but he’s also like an on-field enforcer for Jeff Fisher.
TEAM ASS: Poor Vince Young. Who would’ve thought a half-retarded guy getting by purely on his raw athleticism wouldn’t cut it as an NFL quarterback? I mean, he was never more than half as good as Michael Vick to start with.
TRENDSETTER: Jeff Fisher has been coaching forever, and his desire to stay desirous will chart this team’s course, because at this point it’s hard to imagine they’d ever get rid of him until he wins a Super Bowl or dies.
TEAM ELDER: Punter Craig Hentrich joined the team in 1998 as a free agent from Green Bay.
THE RUDY: In a back field highlighted by LenDale White and Chris Johnson, undrafted rugged and raw assed Ahmard Hall has made some noise as a blocking fullback who can catch passes as well.
FORMER TROJAN: My man LenDale White, who shed a ton of pounds simply by not drinking Patron anymore.
VIRGINIA BOY: Vincent Fuller is one of many former Virginia Tech Hokie defensive backs floating around below the bold starter portions of NFL depth charts, probably due to their special teams prowess playing under Frank Beamer.
WILD SAMOAN: Final dude will be the ultimate NFL Samoan of the past decade - Kevin Mawae, who played at LSU. The final standings on the Samoan Pride Scorebard are: Oregon - 5, Hawaii and Utah - 4, Brigham Young - 3, Penn State - 2, Arizona, Auburn, Boston College, Georgia, Louisville, LSU, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, San Diego State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1. Congratulation Oregon, for being an alternative to Mormon schools or staying stuck off the mainland.
THE ICKY: Alge Crumpler has, for years, been an All-Pro NFL Fucked-Up Name.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Corland Finnegan is in with the Jews who run country music in Nashville, who were brought in by Garth Brooks originally to work their Jew magic in a backwoods branch of the music industry.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They’ll edge out the Colts to win the AFC South, and then lose right away in the playoffs.
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