AFFORDABILITY: The Leinenkugel's is priced as you would expect something to be priced in the American South if it is owned by some old world money assholes named Leinenkugel. For the price of one of their six-packs, I could've bought two porns from the old bootleg man at the flea market in Buckingham. He has an excellent selection, though there is something creepy about digging through dollar store plastic bins full of burned porn DVDs with fat, overweight redneck kids running around everywhere, waiting to get diabetes. 2 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: The Fireside Nut Brown is a fine tasty beer and I enjoy it immensely though I did not get a great handful of them because apparently my wife has shifted into crazy nut brown ale overdrive and drinks them while I drink all the crap beer that floats to the back of the refrigerator. In fact, we got three Mojito mixed gay redneck girl drinks in there now and I'm about to drink one, for lack of anything else. A skunk also squealed in a fight with something or other (or he got trapped in the concrete chunk labyrinth under our house) and sprayed his stank all over and it stunk so I started walking around the house burning white sage in a ceramic bowl, looking like some sort of retarded shaman, especially since I'm sporting a red t-shirt and a pair of faded overalls, with my big beard, looking like a young Santa Claus when he was breeding pigs and runaways together in a barn to create elves, which is why their ears are the way they are. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: The Leinenkugel Fireside Nut Brown beer label is boring as fuck, straight up Perry Como and Bing Crosby renting a hotel room with two ladies of the night and both rooms have two twin beds that in one room Bing sleeps in one and the lady sleeps in the other, and in the second Perry in one bed and the other slut in the other bed, and they just sit around smoking cigarettes, until it gets like 11:30 at night, and Perry and Bing decide to sleep in the same room and leave the women to sleep in the second room, sharing a six-pack of Dr. Pepper until a good ten minutes past midnight. That's the Fireside Nut Brown label. BOOORRRRINNNNNGGGG! 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Having previously discussed Leinenkugel's already, making them out to be decent people, I think this time, since the Fireside Nut Brown was kinda iffy for me, I'll make them out to be weird immigrant Old Worlders, come to my Virginia, to start some mass brewing company that makes pseudo-microbrews for the mid-level beer drinking set that shops at big grocery stores but only buys fancy six-packs. Now if they were a legit Old World multi-faceted traditional company, that offered up an array of sausages, assorted krauts, as well as beer, then I'd be more down. And why the fuck is it that every company that makes sausages only makes bratwurst, hot Italian, and sweet Italian, plus sometimes a "beer brat" version of the brats? I guess a couple make chorizo as well (which is the best), but why the fuck can't a company mass produce some tasty ass non-modernly-traditional traditional sausages? I want some damn lamb sausages. I want some white sausages, or some with different herbs than simple Italian seasoning or cumin. The pork industry is so depressing, what with having genetically modified pigs so they are clones and identically sized so that the robot knives in the factory don't have to be adjusted for slaughtering as many pigs as possible. I am glad I grow my own pork, and I'm gonna make me some goddamned good ass sausages from it too, bitches. Oh man, some rosemary sausages, or some for-real hot pepper sausages, and not just a bunch crushed red pepper flake inside? My pigs are hugely fat nowadays because I have nailed up a bin that they can feed to their own content now, and they are rarely content to not eat more food. I could dump four five-gallon buckets of food into their slop tray (which is a salvaged bottom drawer from an old kitchen stove) and they'd just stand in it, snorting and snouting and slupping away until it was all gone. Its' funny; they eat anything but they have an order of what they like, so they'll dig through the whole batch for their favorites, then go for the stuff they kinda like, then finish off the rest. Except for citrus, and unsliced potato type things (turnips, rutabagas, etc). I can chop that shit in half and they'll eat it, but not the citrus. Pigs and citrus don't go together I guess, which ruins my hope of internally marinating them before death. Oh well. 3 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Upon the first beer, the Fireside Nut Brown was enjoyable as fuck. But after a few more and a few more, I don't know, my attitude towards Leinenkugel's changed. I may never buy another one of their six-packs ever, and there's no real logical reason for it. Something changed though. Could've been completely personal and had nothing to do with their beer, and there is no doubting that these things are completely subjective. Maybe the HAARP beams zapped me right at that point or maybe my deep down cell structure finally got too cold from this frozen ass winter. I don't know, and don't care to know. Knowing is half the battle but I hate battles. I like to chill with beer instead, so fuck battling in order to know why I'm suddenly prejudiced against an inanimate consumer product for no reason. 1 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 & 1/5 STARS!
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