#1: TEXAS COLLEGE STEERS (0-5, 49.400 avg. margin of defeat, #1 last week) – The shame of Tyler, Texas, had last weekend off, but travels to Goodwell, Oklahoma to challenge Oklahoma Panhandle State and see how truly bad they can still be. After that, it’s a slew of small God-schools scattered in Texas and Oklahoma for the Steers to try to avoid another non-winning season, with non-winning mean no wins, not more losses than wins.
#2: EDWARD WATERS TIGERS (0-4, 45.400 avg. margin of defeat, #2 last week) – Edward Waters also had last weekend off, but storms back into action the next two weeks at home, against Louisburg College, and then Webber International University. And actually, looking at their home website, they claim a win over New Orleans in something called the Ralph J. Bunche Classic, played in Kingsland, Georgia, middle of last month. The problem is none of the other websites I use for this dork data recognize that game. Time for some internet researching… Okay, here’s the story. The University of New Orleans team they played is not an official football team but rather a club team at the college, and the #3 ranked team nationally for such a thing (which is gonna cause me to google up the National Club Football Association to see what that’s all about). And the club team almost beat Edward Waters, but the Tigers held on for a win. A win that does not technically count. But digging into the club football website, there’s a strange and bizarre sub-culture of club football that I did not even know existed until a week ago. Radford University, here in Virginia, has a club team, with a strange schedule that has an NAIA team, other club teams from ACC schools, and something called the Virginia Saints, which all I can find on the internet looks to be some sort of prison outreach sports program. FOOTBALL!
#3: LIVINGSTONE BRAMBLES (0-7, 41.286 avg. margin of defeat, #8 last week) – The Blue Bears hosted a non-conference opponent in West Virginia Wesleyan last weekend, and got waxed in front of their homegirls, 58 to 3. Ugliness. They look to stand a good chance at going winless being they don’t play other CIAA bottom feeder Chowan this year.
#4: OLIVET FIGHTING COMETS (0-5, 40.600 avg. margin of defeat, #4 last week) – Home game against a guy named Adrian last weekend, and the Comets lost 41 to 0. Three weeks from now they play Division III powerhouse Trine, at Trine (wherever that might be), and that is probably going to be very very not pretty.
#5: PACIFIC BOXERS (0-4, 38.750 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – Suffered their biggest loss of the year last weekend, at home against Willamette, 69 to 7, thus making their very first ever appearance on the Shit List. I imagine Forest Grove, Oregon, is a beautiful place though, where one could get really high and go for a wonderful hike, off the beaten path enough to go naked hiking, except for your hiking boots. Really nothing makes me feel better than walking around in nothing but shoes.
#6: LOCK HAVEN BALD EAGLES (0-6, 37.167 avg. margin of defeat, #9 last week) – Lost to Clarion last weekend at home, 49 to 6. But this week is homecoming, with the Gannon Golden Knights coming to town. Hubert Jack Stadium will be rocking this weekend somewhere in Pennsylvania, and the beer bongs and bratwursts will be in full motherfuckin’ effizect.
#7: CULVER-STOCKTON WILDCATS (0-6, 36.667 avg. margin of defeat, #3 last week) – The Wildcats only lost to Peru State, 24 to 14 last weekend, to decrease their average margin of defeat, and slide down this Shit List a few spots. They however will be playing an NAIA powerhouse in the Lindenwood Lions this weekend, at Lindenwood, so will probably make up some of those lost spots if I get around to doing this again next week.
#8: ST. MARY SPIRES (0-5, 36.600 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – They may actually be the Crusaders, but they are definitely not so great, having gotten crushed by McPherson, 73 to 24 last weekend. They are the worst team in the Kansas Collegiate Athletic Conference of the National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics in the United States of America of the United Federation of Planets.
#9: WESTERN CONNECTICUT STATE COLONIALS (0-5, 34.600 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – A 71 to 3 loss to Buffalo State, at home, gave Western Connecticut State their first taste of the Shit List. Reading their university athletics page is slightly depressing, as they have news reports of every painful loss. And when you click on schedule, they actually have every round of the Division III NCAA football tournament listed, as if they were going to be playing all the way into late December. Very Bob Uecker-esque, just obscure.
#10: NEW MEXICO LOBOS (0-6, 34.000 avg. margin of defeat, #5 last week) – They are proven to be the worst team in Division I football, as they had their epic showdown against almost equally as terrible New Mexico State last weekend, and lost 16 to 14, as the Aggies kicked a game-winning field goal with 1:56 remaining. When you have been outscored 279 to 75 through six games, I would imagine you don’t practice a lot of 2-minute drills during the week. And as a sign of the sad and terrible realities of the New Mexico State and New Mexico game, here is a straight quote from the New Mexico football official fucking website: “You really can’t throw the records out for this one because the stains on the won-lost column for Lobos and Aggies are deep and hurtful and penetrating. The records are too haunting, too ugly, too much in need of change. Too meaningful.” Good lord, I’m ready to fellate a glock now.
#11: VALPARAISO CRUSADERS (0-6, 33.833 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – On the strength of a 51 to 7 loss at home to Marist, the Crusaders clawed their way back onto the Shit List after taking a week’s vacation away from the infamy. Playing out the season is all that’s left at this point.
#12: KENTUCKY CHRISTIAN KNIGHTS (0-6, 33.833 avg. margin of defeat, #6 last week) – The Knights played a close one against Virginia-Wise last weekend, only losing by a field goal, 34 to 31. It was a good enough showing to move far down this list. Oddly enough, looking at their schedule, they play their home games at Marshall University’s football field, because I noticed their best bet to get a win is hosting Southern Virginia at East Carter High School, which I can only assume is somewhere near Kentucky Christian University. So no wonder they are not that good; they don’t even have a fucking football field.
#13: QUINCY HAWKS (0-6, 33.667 avg. margin of defeat, #12 last week) – The Hawks lost at Grand View, 41 to 14 last weekend. This week they take on Iowa Wesleyan, at home. Also this coming week at Quincy, Dr. Wendell Mauer will be giving a presentation called “Cracking Open the Axis, June 1944: D-Day, Operation Bagration and the Marianas Campaign.” Be sure to get to Francis Hall, room 334, early, because the Town and Gown Lecture Series is a hot item in Quincy, Illinois.
#14: DORDT DEFENDERS (0-6, 33.000 avg. margin of defeat, unranked last week) – The Defenders of Dordt make their Shit List debut after getting beatdown by Morningside, 71 to 0, last weekend. They have not really played anybody close this year, and close out the season with immense force Sioux Falls, so are a good candidate to be on the final Shit List come the end of November.
Gone from the list from last week: #7 Husson Eagles (a tremendous 53 to 28 win over Anna Maria saves them from infamy, CONGRATULATIONS EAGLES!), #10 Anna Maria Cats (playing a competitively bad team in Husson caused their average margin of defeat to go down enough to esacpe the list… for now), #11 Knox Prairie Fire (winners over Grinnell, 31 to 21, CONGRATULATIONS PRAIRIE FIRE!), #13 Bethel Threshers (suffered a close 44 to 31 loss to Bethany, so calculatored their way off the list this week), #14 Olivet Nazarene Tigers (oh man, so close, losing at home to Trinity International, 41 to 40).
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