#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-0)
The Pats are not going to be close to the team they were a couple of years ago, especially now that they shipped off Deion Branch, but Belichek seems good at squeezing blood from stones, and even with the rag-tag pack of vets and unknowns he has here and there, they should be good enough to get by in the AFC East.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (0-1)
I am a Redskins fan and naturally hate the Cowboys and always hope for their chartered planes to crash after each and every game, but to be honest, if they hadn't have given the Jags that win last week, I would've had them easily as #1 out of these two divisional sets of teams. No, I am not a believer in the intrinsic genius of Bill Parcells, because without a coked up Lawrence Taylor super destructing things on turf, Parcells would have no rings. And no, I am not a believer that T.O. is going to do anything that continue to be a big goofy primadonna as he attempts to keep his true homosexuality hidden deep in a walk-in closet. Simply looking at the facts, the Cowboys have spent a ton of top draft picks in recent years on defensive players, and a good chunk of those defensive players have turned out to develop into something that matches the hype, which is not usually the case with high draft picks. So even if they are depending on that blank-eyed doofus Drew Bledsoe to quarterback the operation, I expect their defense will be punishing at times as the year progresses, and that old cliche is it's defense that wins Super Bowls, or at least wins the overrated NFC East.
#3: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-1)
Okay okay, we get it... Nick Saban looked like a pussy tossing his challenge flag. Nonetheless, he has given the Dolphins confidence again in the last two years, and I think with a somewhat competent Daunte Culpepper at the helm rather than Jewish Ivy League quarterbacks, they could do some damage, at least by the watered down standards of NFL free agency salary cap era football.
#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (1-0)
Eagles get a high ranking just because they were one of the few East division teams to win last week, and they should be much better this year now that the franchise had their T.O. tumor removed, but still, the offense lacks places for Donovan McNabb to put the ball. Donte Stallworth? Didn't the Saints dump that guy? He's the answer? What the fuck? And their defense just keeps getting older and older, but they've been a good team, and they jobbed out last year, so I expect the NFL to reward them with some beneficial booking and a wild card appearance on the big play-offs pay-per-view.
#5: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (0-1)
An offense full of ballet-like motions before the snap and a defense who's star is apt to get 15 yard personal foul penalties in the closing two minutes of a tight game... this is not the Joe Gibbs style team I grew up idolizing. They have been much ballyhooed though, so I will give them credit for now, and I am a naive fan, and I believe their success is not entirely contingent upon but needs my blind optimism to help them along. So I fully expect them to go 15-1.
#6: NEW YORK GIANTS (0-1)
Other than Jeremy Shockey, all the Giants best players are 47-years-old. And fuck Eli Manning. He hasn't done shit. I mean, his brother is like 9-time Pro Bowler and Peyton hasn't done shit, being the Jim Kelly of his generation thus far, so Eli is like if Jim Kelly had a shitty overhyped younger brother who came to the NFL and sucked for seven years before becoming an insurance salesman like all old NFL quarterbacks do.
#7: NEW YORK JETS (1-0)
The Jets have gotten no respect this year, and I don't think they'll be worth a shit, but I think they'll squeeze more out of this season than most experts give them credit for. Chad Pennington looks and sounds too much like that skater boi antagonizing super-prep rich kid from '80s films to not at least be fairly successful at any thing he does, before he like rips his shoulder off again.
#8: BUFFALO BILLS (0-1)
Your starting QB is J.P. Losman and your superstar RB was paralyzed like two years ago. Sure, you played the Patriots better than expected, but the Patriots are worse than expected and you ended up losing because of a fuckin' safety. You are the Bills and it's going to be a shitty season.
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