#1: Seattle Seahawks (2-0)
I was so disappointed with how shitty my first rankings turned out this past weekend, that I decided to devise a highly non-complicated mathematical formula for ranking these fuckers, so from here on out, scientifics will be involved. Ironically, my boy Scientific Loftin is a huge Seahawks fan for some reason, which means his whole life he has rooted for a shitty football team - until now. Still being the #1 team in the two western divisions is like being the smartest kid in special ed. The Seahawks have two major factors going against them... Number one, Mike Holmgren, perhaps the most overrated coach ever in the history of people rating coaches in inflated manners, is their coach, which means they won't be shit. And secondly, Shaun Alexander is a punk. I rank him number two in the NFL behind T.O. as a guy who is trapped in the closet, so to speak. Alexander will whip off 3 billion yards during the year again this year, and then flail and faulter in the play-offs. I was actually surprised they made it to the Super Bowl last year, as they almost lost to the Redskins, which is like losing to a team that doesn't even have a quarterback.
#2: San Diego Chargers (2-0)
The biggest strike against the Chargers is that Marty Schottenheimer is their coach. Were I a Chargers fan, I would've felt better backing Drew Brees than Phillip Rivers, as Brees all of a sudden decided to be good a few years back and you might as well ride that wave all the way through. And Ladainlian Tomlinson is probably the best football player, or at least the one that's most fun to watch, going today. And they are in the AFC West, so they should win like 13 games this year.
#3: Arizona Cardinals (1-1)
Man, if the Cardinals end up making the play-offs, I think you'd have to give Denny Green coach of the year award for like two years in a row. They've actually accumulated more than like three good players for once, and if Matt Leinart develops into anything remotely close to Carson Palmer, with the receiving fucks that AZ has right now, they might be a fun team to watch in a year or two.
#4: Denver Broncos (1-1)
The Broncos foolproof plan of plugging mediocre running backs behind the dirtiest offensive line since the late '70s has paid a decade of dividends for Mike Shanahan. But the unstoppable force of his genius has run full-on into the irresistible object of Jake Plummer's hippie-ass stupidity. If ever there was a QB destined to play out his career in arena league, it'd be Jake Plummer. Still, the Broncos are in the AFC West, so they'll have a decent season and might be able to sneak into a wild card berth.
#5: St. Louis Rams (1-1)
I don't like the Rams much, but my formula still ranks them ahead of the 49ers, who they just lost to, because shit, it's the 49ers... you gotta figure that shit was either a fluke or because of the Rams being momentarily more inept than usual, as opposed to the 49ers who have been steadily inept for some time.
#6: San Francisco 49ers (1-1)
See above. And what was up with that one receiver trippin' for all that time? Did that Alex Smith dude make bukkake films with the guy's baby's mama or something? I'm not really saying anything here, just adding a line so the pictures fall in line with each other. Fuck Joe Montana.
#7: Kansas City Chiefs (0-2)
Trent Green got knocked the fuck out. I don't think the Chiefs were gonna be that good even with him, but still, with some guy I can't even think of as their quarterback for the next couple weeks, they are doomed. Except for the fact they play in the AFC West, so even being doomed, they could win a couple games in the next month.
#8: Oakland Raiders (0-2)
Does Al Davis still believe in his own heart he knows what he's doing? I am afraid because Daniel Snyder seems to be on the Al Davis ownership gameplan of meddling and fucking things up, except Snyder is way ahead of Davis' pace, and without any Super Bowl trophies to help him pretend he knows what he's doing. Jerry Porter is laughing at Aaron Brooks while Randy Moss is going to be Randy Moss 100% any second now, and you got just a shitty shitty offense. I guess the defense might be okay enough, but how can you tell? Any defense is going to look good, just out of sympathy, when compared to that offense.
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