#1: New England Patriots (5-1)
(last ranking time #1) You know, this was probably the first time in Bighead Belichek's career I thought the Pats were gonna suck, because they lost so much talent to free agency. But then, how the fuck did they end up getting Lawrence Mahoney in the draft? He may end up being as much Reggie Bush as Reggie Bush is. Somehow they always do it, and I don't know if Belichek is a genius by football standards (which means he couldn't write a sonnet or solve a war) or the NFL is fixed and the Patriots will continue to win until next year once the Democrats control Congress again, and they'll cut funding for NFL Psy-Ops warfare, which is part of the Defense budget, and we'll go back to NFC East dominance over the NFL, since their media-type ownership contributes heavily to the DNC. Either way, I'm sick of fuckin' Tom Brady looking so magazine-friendly and I halfway hope he gets Theismanned, but on the other hand, it'd be satisfying to see an old Tom Brady holding onto his Super Bowl rings and playing his career out in Jacksonville or some shit.
#2: New York Giants (4-2)
(last ranking time #6) Oh, how I loathe the Giants, but I understand the NFL is a hyped-up sports entertainment machine like no other, and I fear the whole Peyton Manning is awesome saga in the NFL storylines was just a prelude to the Eli Manning winning Super Bowls era, which makes me sick to my stomach. Eli is already in my top ten most hated pro football players list, and you combine that with my pre-existing hatred of Tiki Barber and his big bald-headed fumbling ass smile as well as Michael Strahan's Condoleeze Rice's big brother on steroids stupid ass, and you've got a team who I hope their plane wrecks.
#3: New York Jets (4-3)
(last ranking time #7) About the only thing I hit nail on head with in the first cycle of ranking divisions was how the Jets were gonna be far better than anybody had expected, being they were prognosticated as being in the bottom 3 of the whole NFL. They are doing good for themselves, and continuing with my "NFL is fixed" theme of this week's list, the combo of an '80s successful jock nemesis to sk8er boi anti-hero Chad Pennington and Belichek coaching tree transplanted limb Eric Mangini makes for success. FORGET PARCELS OR WALSH... BELICHEK IS YOUR NEW COACHING GOD! Were I an NFL general manager, I'd just hire motherfuckers named Bill, and if we didn't make the playoffs in two years, hire another motherfucker named Bill. And I'd never hire a motherfucker named Marty.
#4: Dallas Cowboys (3-3)
(last ranking time #2) T.O. is like skin cancer, and you can see some of the freckles or moles changing colors right now, but the Cowboys haven't had full implode yet, but they will... soon enough. It's kinda fucked up, because as much of a fuckin' closeted fruit looking for attention I thought T.O. was last year, I thought he'd play it cool for at least a year in Dallas, especially under Parcels' watch, but fuck, he's the same ol' fruit as ever. I saw on youtube where the 13th part of "Trapped in the Closet" introduces T.O. and in the 18th part, he and the midget are revealed simulating sexual acts as a touchdown celebration, which all leads up to the 24th part where it is revealed R. Kelly and Terrell Owens have been fucking for years and love each other and finally want to tell the World. MTV was afraid to air the second 12 part set of R. Kelly's R&B opera though.
#5: Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)
(last ranking time #4) The NFC East is smoke-and-mirrors, and it's kinda funny to think back to the beginning of the season when all the "experts" were hyping it up as the greatest division ever in all of football, but there's very little chance of anybody other than the division winner making the playoffs, and it's not because they've beaten each other up so much as everybody else beats them up. The Eagles have underperformed all year and have been lucky enough to have a 4th place team's schedule so that they can pad their record early on, but they're not that good. The defense is old and the offense needs a couple more highly-skilled players at their non-QB skill positions. But fuck it, Andy Reid is a fat fuck and people love to see some fat fuck with a mustache be football coach because it reminds them of gym class in high school, so I imagine the Eagles will keep trucking on into next year like always.
#6: Buffalo Bills (2-5)
(last ranking time #8) The Bills are such a mediocre franchise that the highlight of their existence was the four years in a row they LOST the Super Bowl. If your quarterback is J.P. Losman, there is no bright future for you. And I totally believe that, judging from the way his eyes look, Willis McGahee is some sort of evil Warrick Dunn, and will eventually have a semi-successful career in real estate buying up houses at auction from single moms who fell behind on their mortgages, and he'll kick them out and put funny-colored paint on the walls and sell it for a mark-up to stupid Democrats wanting to slum it up now that they're kids are in college and live in a "gentrified" neighborhood, which means a neighborhood where black people lived as little as three years ago before all the white folks moved in.
#7: Washington Redskins (2-5)
(last ranking time #5) As a Redskins fan, there are two things I know. Dan Snyder is the force of evil, and Joe Gibbs is the force of good. Snyder sold the name of Jack Kent Cooke Stadium to a shipping company; Joe Gibbs taught Dexter Manley how to read an offensive lineman's eyeballs. Snyder gave me, the Redskins fan, Deion Sanders; Gibbs gave me, the Redskins fan, John Riggins. So when Joe Gibbs signed on, I was confident good would triumph over evil, and even though Vinny Cerrato's completely worthless owner's ball-sucking piece of shit fake general manager ass was not let go, I gave it time. And last year they made the play-offs, albeit with an inconsistent offense. But this year, with Gibbs turning over the reins of the inconsistent offense to WUNDERGENIUS Al Saunders, who has an equally inconsistent offense, but with far more sugar plum fairy dance-like pre-snap motion, I have come to the conclusion that evil has won. The tell-tale sign for me, that this was not only not a good team, but not even a Gibbs team, was this past Sunday when Joseph Addai got stopped by Marcus Washington for a loss and Washington did a celebratory dance. It was second and goal that he stopped him, the Colts had pretty much danced downfield, the Skins were down by 3, and they were a 2-4 team. Yet Marcus Washington did his little dance. What the fuck? I keep track of how many miles I am away from murdering Dan Snyder each week since he started ruining the team I love, and I would say after this past week's performance, I am about 72 miles away, which is a really cheap Greyhound ticket. And fuck Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is basically a brunette Britney Spears, and she'll be just as retarded and hilarious, and yet somehow still hot in a shitty housewife type of way, in five years.
#8: Miami Dolphins (1-6)
(last ranking time #3) I will never understand why a college coach goes to the pros. Going from pro to college makes sense, because if you are Pete Carroll, you can trade in a one mill a year job that lasts three years tops for a two mill a year job that lasts until you decide you want to stop cashing paychecks. Look at Bobby Bowden, or Joe Paterno. Nick Saban could've been God of Louisiana within four years time, but he chose to not only pass up on that opportunity, but squandor his pull by trying to coach at the professional level in a way that only works on the collegiate level. I guess the real question is if Spurrier blew it in the pros and downgraded from Florida to South Carolina in the long run, will Saban hold to SEC roots and go back to a downgraded program at Ole Miss or Mississippi State, or will he make the downgraded jump to the Big 12 and be the new savior of Texas A&M or Oklahoma State?
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