#1: Chicago Bears (4-0)
The prevalent hype is that the Bears, now armed with a competent and healthy quarterback, are suddenly men playing amongst boys. Two things strike me as odd about this hype... Number one, it wasn't too long ago the Bears went 13-3 and got snuffed quick in the play-offs, and I don't think even Bears fans could name you more than like seven guys from that team. Number two, Rex Grossman is Rex Grossman, meaning he's a product of a Steve Spurrier college system, and he's been lucky enough to have injured himself through a couple of years of NFL paychecks. Right now, he is not sucking it up completely, but he is also Rex Grossman, and eventually he will realize this. The most he, and Bears fans, can hope for is that he can be this decade's Neil O'Donnell.
#2: Baltimore Ravens (4-0)
I have always liked Steve McNair, because he comes from a small college, and I can't think of a free agent who has looked more natural in his new uniform colors than McNair. He gives the Ravens hope, because if you can win with Trent Dilfer, you can win with anybody who won't fuck up, and McNair doesn't fuck up too often. The Ravens defense is retarded sick, especially considering the identity given their coach Brian Billick is offensive genius, but shit, his whole time there their offense has been smashmouth competent at best. The defense has carried this team for years. You got Ray Lewis fucking shit up, then throw in Chris McAllister in the secondary, then Ed Reed who is as much a monster as Lewis ever was, and now they got this Bart Scott dude who all of a sudden is L.T. 2006 on double eight-balls out-of-control. The Ravens will go far, and for the most of the season, may be under the radar, but this is a sick team in free agency era.
#3: Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)
The Bengals are this year's equivalent of the St. Louis Rams of six years ago. It's odd how the AFC North has offensive genius Brian Billick's team carried by his dominating defense and defensive genius Marvin Lewis's team carried by his multi-threat offense. The Bengals all get arrested though, and Chad Johnson would be the NFL's most narcissistic homosexual (blonde mohawk?) were it not for T.O. I anxiously await them playing together and somehow developing a new sexual position where they 69 with each other but somehow both suck their own dicks.
#4: Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)
Steelers lost a lot - Bettis gone, Randle El gone, Von Oelhoffen gone. That's a lot of figurehead fuckers to replace. And plus Roethlisberger is getting all sorts of internal organs scrambled or removed. But never underestimate coach Sergeant Slaughter... he'll get these guys into shape or else. I can see the Steelers squeakily sneaking into the second wild card spot so that NFL merchandising can move enough Steelers jerseys again this year off of last year's success, and they'll lose in the AFC playoffs and not return to the Super Bowl and Bill Cowher will retire to replace Dan Marino on the NFL on whatever channel boring ass Dan Marino is on.
#5: Minnesota Vikings (2-2)
Dude, I could get 1200 yards rushing behind Bryant McKinnie and Steve Hutchinson, which would put me only about 100 yards behind Chester Taylor this year. If the Vikings had one halfway decent running back who didn't love drugs, they could be pretty sick old school smashmouth team this year, with a strong running attack and Brad Johnson being the wiley coyote veteran busting out his Acme rubber band neck extended vision to hit dump-off passes galore upon broken defenses. I think the one thing working against the Vikings is their coach looks more like a child molester than any other coach in professional football. He's not on Joe Paterno level by any means, but he looks like a closet degenerate. Those types usually tend to channel their energy into hiding their true self as opposed to channeling it into being a motherfuckin' godsend NFL influence.
#6: Cleveland Browns (1-3)
College superstar Kellen Winslow! College superstar Braylon Edwards! College mid-major quarterback extraordinaire Charlie Frye! Welcome one and all to Cleveland, where it is cold and the fans are degenerate drunks in dog masks. You will be underachieving here together for at least the next five years, hopefully ten. God Bless.
#7: Green Bay Packers (1-3)
Being the NFL is fixed like dogs that can't make puppies, and Brett Favre has been a major draw for the NFL the past decade, they'll win at least a couple games to keep Favre's character from going too preliminary. Most people tend to forget the Packers sucked for most of their modern era existence, the most they could hope for is Mike Douglass making highlights trying to suplex Jim McMahon. But the Packers are the Packers, and like I said, the NFL is fixed, so they'll be good again in short enough time, though not this year, so folks can think even a small town can have a big aura football team. That type of shit plays big in the sticks.
#8: Detroit Lions (0-4)
How Matt Millen still has job amazes me. They have drafted every great player ever the last five years, and all of them have somehow turned out to be busts. When you have that many busts (much like the mid-'90s Redskins), it is not just pure bad luck or bad scouting, but the result of an organization's system that ruins players like my dick ruins vaginas. Well, probably more so than that, to be honest, because I'm not John Holmes or anything, but at least I'm not Matt Millen either.
No comments:
Post a Comment