#1: Chicago Bears (6-0)
(last ranking time #1) I'm still not believing the Bears hype completely, though I think they're a good team, one of the better ones in the NFL. There's no winning tradition to Rex Grossman though, and the fuckin' announcers have the Bears' PR fingers so far up their collective pussies, it's annoying. It's nice to see a team with a defensive tradition though, that embraces that and makes it their identity, as opposed to shitty high-powered offenses with a triplets recreation at skill positions. Still, I'd be very surprised if the Bears even make it to the conference championship, much less the Super Bowl.
#1: Baltimore Ravens (4-2)
(last ranking time #2) So Billick runs off Jim Fassel this week, because it must've been Fassel's fault McNair got concussed or whatever it was that happened to him. Billick should just hitch his genius wagon to McNair and hopes that the veteran QB can build enough momentum this year so that Billick's genius wagon can roll a couple of more years inexpicably through NFL head coaching employment.
#3: Cincinnati Bengals (3-2)
(last ranking time #3) You know, that T.J. Houshmanzadeh dude is kinda weird, and would probably stand out on any team anywhere if he wasn't playing with a blonde mohawked gold grilled freak like Chad Johnson. What the fuck is it with AFC North teams being conflicted with their head coach? Brian Billick - offensive genius, getting by with a punishing defense for years. Marvin Lewis - defensive mastermind, depending almost entirely on a multi-faceted offense, which, when it sputters, he does. Like now. It's still early in the season though, so if Carson Palmer can be Mr. Superstar like everybody wants to gloss him as, then they'll be alright.
#4: Minnesota Vikings (3-2)
(last ranking time #5) I think the Vikings will do fairly well this year, as Brad Johnson is looking like stupid competent veterans with long necks like him always look, and they've got quite the combo on the o-line with McKinnie and Hutchinson, enough to make even Chester Taylor look good. It's sad, too, because NFL coaching is such a luck of the draw thing a lot of times. There's no real proof to the fact that child molester looking Brad Childress is that much a better coach than Barney Rubble looking Mike Tice, he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. And with the NFL being the logjam it is, and the bottom half of the NFC North being pretty close to the bottom of the NFL, the Vikings have a good shot at sneaking into a wild card spot.
#5: Pittsburgh Steelers (2-3)
(last ranking time #4) YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TIRED OF!?!? THE STUPID "BEN ROETHLISBERGER ALMOST DIED SO NOW HE'S ALL STOKED TO JUST BE ALIVE AND LIVES EVERY DAY LIKE IT'S SPECIAL VIGNETTES!! For fake god's sake, stop this shit already. And isn't it pretty much a tradition that Super Bowl teams end up sucking somewhat the next year because of free agency and how all general managers have a touch of Dan Snyder to them and go, "Oh shit, that dude won a Super Bowl ring as second string middle linebackers last year, and now he's a free agent. We should totally give that dude a 7 million dollar signing bonus to come get fat here. That's the last piece we need to put us over the top." I am also sick of Troy Polamalu's hair. I love fuckin' longhair, on me at least, but damn, he must be stupid not putting that shit in a ponytail or a braid. It was only a matter of time before somebody did him like Larry Johnson did with the wispy lock takedown from behind.
#6: Cleveland Browns (1-4)
(last ranking time #6) It's hard to even talk about the Browns, they are so far off my personal radar. Cleveland has to be the most hapless sports town as a whole that I can think of. How long before Lebron James has like two season-ending injuries in a row, then goes and signs with the Knicks where he wins like five titles in six years? Look at Kellen Winslow Jr. That guy was a soldier, and then he gets his leg broken, wrecks a motorcycle getting hyphy with friends, and here we are three years later and the man that was supposed to make an impact and change that offense entirely is just now starting to catch some passes. They are doomed, which is great, because it means those guys who wear the fake dog faces and sneak kegs into the stadium will just get drunker and more belligerent as the years go on, which hopefully will make NFL crowds more like soccer thugs.
#7: Green Bay Packers (1-4)
(last ranking time #7) Watching Favre and the Packers is just sad, and sad because I've always liked Favre, but it's hard to watch some guy be all past his prime, but use his position as Personal Jesus to a Franchise to squeeze far more playing time out of a team than he should. Favre should've went to some shitty place like San Francisco or Arizona and been a Kurt Warner-type who is past his prime, but squeezes far more money out of desperate teams than he should. As it stands, he's just ruining his legacy in Green Bay, and they may not name a side street after him if he keeps this shit up.
#8: Detroit Lions (1-5)
(last ranking time #8) It's stupid how close I was to ranking the Lions #7 above the Packers. But I didn't. Matt Millen should save his money well, because I doubt he's gonna get too many more general managership jobs after this gig runs out, whenever it does. He must be fellating one of the old Ford great uncles or something to have stayed on as long as he did. Seriously, how often does the general manager of a consistently shitty team get to throw a couple of head coaches under the bus? Usually, you get one of your own choosing, and if things still suck, then you're gone. Fucking Matt Millen and his little fake-ass John Madden wannabe color commentator ass.
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