#1: Indianapolis Colts (3-0)
I am starting to hate the Colts much like I used to hate the 49ers… except the Colts have never won a Super Bowl. Peyton Manning is the most over-exposed fuck from the NFL in recent memory, and it makes my stomach turn to watch him over-emphatically calling audibles like a fuckin’ hick jock with suburban rebel yells and mime movements before EVERY FUCKIN’ PLAY. Fuck Peyton Manning. I hope they go 16-0 and then lost to some wild card team like the Ravens in the divisional round.
#2: Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1)
The Jaguars are like the polar opposite of the Colts, being a low profile solid team with no superstar face for their team. Jack Del Rio has done pretty good with the Jaguars in his time there, other than setting up the punter to try and chop off his own leg. Isn’t Jacksonville like the size of most college towns? How the fuck do they support a football team? I guess they were only expanded into existence like a decade ago, but a good team in a town where they cover up a big chunk of the stadium with a tarp to pretend it’s not empty seats – I don’t know, seems like a good fit for Los Angeles. Or too bad it’s not like the Madden game and they could move to Tijuana.
#3: New Orleans Saints (3-0)
Playing in the Superdome, where people got raped, left behind, and that one guy even left his dead mom in a wheelchair out front with his cell phone number attached because the National Guard was making him get on a bus. Katrina was a terrible tragedy and all, but the Saints aren’t great because of any karmic goodness. They have always seemed to be one of those bridesmaids teams that never get beyond the wild card hump during their best years, but with a pair like Drew Brees and Reggie Bush, who knows, they might even win a divisional title this year, which would be like a Super Bowl championship for a team known for fans who wear bags over their head.
#4: Atlanta Falcons (2-1)
Michael Vick is a dynamic quarterback, because he allows the Falcons to run for like a thousand yards a game. But the doom factor for a strong running team is when you fall behind and have to turn to the passing game. Vick is a mediocre passing QB, and doesn’t have much in the way of deep threats on top of that, as the meat of the Falcons passing game is the shorter dump-off and pick up yards type shit. So the Falcons are doomed, eventually, though fun to watch, usually.
#5: Carolina Panthers (1-2)
Seems like the Panthers alternate years between under-achieving and over-achieving, just never able to maintain consistency. Probably the first non-Redskins jersey I’d want to buy were I financially-endowed enough to waste money on overpriced crap like that would be a blue Julius Peppers one though. If Steve Smith healths up though, they’ll be strong through the year. That little dude is the textbook definition of a most valuable player.
#6: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3)
Holmes got his fuckin’ spleen ruptured. His spleen! A team whose quarterback is getting ruptured spleens and then they’re gonna start a dude whose name sounds like a late ‘80s slang term for penis… I don’t know, doesn’t look good. Even the Cadillac hasn’t shined that much this year. But I’m sure GENIUS COACH Chucky Fuckface will turn this ship around… eventually, through free agency and sheer luck and coasting on his one Super Bowl victory he had.
#7: Houston Texans (0-3)
The Texans got crushed by the Redskins, which as a die-hard Redskins fan who has watched most every minute of preseason and regular season this year, tells me the Texans aren’t worth a shit. The only thing that will keep the NFL from having an 0-16 team this year is that the Texans and Titans get to play each other in a home-and-home.
#8: Tennessee Titans (0-3)
Jeff Fisher has been coaching the Titans since Earl Campbell still played for them, and has only made one Super Bowl, but somehow still gets to keep coaching. Steve McNair has a better shot at a Super Bowl ring now, at age 53 playing for the Ravens, than he ever did with the Titans. I’m sure Vince Young is gonna turn out just fine getting started early in his rookie season for a bad offense on an even-worse team. Fisher is engineering him to be the next Patrick Ramsey, but slightly cross-bred with a more mobile loser like Akili Smith.
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