#1: Seattle Seahawks (3-1)
(last ranking time #1) The Seahawks are without their punk ass running back superstar for the time being, but in the western divisions of the NFL, and this is no east coast bias, that don't mean shit. They should still be able to coast to a divisional title, because ain't nobody believing that St. Louis Rams hype. Seahawks success is bad for one major reason - it guarantees the misrepresentation of Mike Holmgren as something more than an overrated piece of shit for another couple years.
#2: Denver Broncos (3-1)
(last ranking time #4) The Snake and The Rat have combined to make for a formidable early-season foe, but you have to remember that Jake Plummer will always be nothing more than Pat Tillman's bong buddy, so eventually they'll fuck up, especially if they go like 15-1 and then play the Colts in the play-offs. I will never believe a Broncos team that doesn't have Horseface Arena Fuck as their QB will ever do anything more than hang out on my TV early in January before the real games go down where my gay friends pretend to care so they can watch the commercials.
#3: San Diego Chargers (3-1)
(last ranking time #2) The Chargers have everything going for them - a pair of great running backs, a gamebreaker tight end, a quarterback developing into something not worth hiring Brian Griese or Jay Fiedler to be his back-up, plus a solid defense led by an evil monster linebacker. Everything adds up to success. The problem? Marty Schottenheimer. That guy's father must've made a deal with the devil or something, because Marty cannot get over that hump. In five or six years, we will all think of Tony Dungy as the epitome of bridesmaid great football coach instead of Schottenheimer, but for now, Marty-ball is the scapegoat for near-success.
#4: St. Louis Rams (4-1)
(last ranking time #5) I don't believe the hype on these here Rams. First of all, they play in the NFC West, which is the shittiest division in football. Second of all, they've won some nailbiters against some rather shitty teams like the Lions and Packers. I don't dig the new 32-team schedules where a team will play all four teams from the other conference's division (which makes sense, and is traditional) as well as the four teams from a division in their own conference. This year, the NFC West plays the NFC North, which means the Rams have two games against the 49ers, two against the Cardinals, and one each against the Lions and Packers. Even a mediocre team should be able to coast through a 5-1 record in those six games. So fuck the Rams. Even if their smoke-and-mirrors don't dissipate before the end of the year, they are smoked come play-offs.
#5: Kansas City Chiefs (2-2)
(last ranking time #7) Damon Huard comes from obscurity to be this year's Gus Frerotte. I don't often cringe at things, being hardened by both the modern internet as well as early '90s Mexican murder scene magazines, but that picture in the paper today of Larry Johnson's head getting twisted like an action figure... that shit was fucked-up looking. Bet he won't be making no diamond signs with his hands after that one. I have always liked Herm Edwards, just because he's a funny motherfucker at press conferences and in interviews. It's like a belligerent drunk sobered up real quick and became an NFL head coach.
#6: San Francisco 49ers (2-3)
(last ranking time #7) One week, crushed. Next week, crushing. I don't think I could name four players on the 49ers right now. I think a great karmic retribution would be for Parcells to just outright cut T.O. for being such a T.O. about everything, and the only team that would sign him would be San Francisco, and he could wind down his career in obscurity, throwing hissy fits and acting an ass, and living in San Francisco, where he could secretly, on the down-low, admit to his true sexual orientation and make super-athlete babies with Mike Piazza.
#7: Arizona Cardinals (1-4)
(last ranking time #3) Hello Denny Green and Edge James and Matt Leinart. Welcome to the desert, where murder victims get buried and NFL superstars get lost. It seems they have all the ingredients, but it just doesn't mix up right. Because they are the Cardinals. Bill Bidwell must've molested children in his past or something, and the Cardinals are doomed by whatever God is in charge this century to lose just like whatever God was in charge last century made them lose.
#8: Oakland Raiders (0-4)
(last ranking time #8) The Raiders have self-implosion, bad quarterbacking, and a clueless coach (which I'm sad to say, because I've always liked Art Shell). They have yet to win a game and are just going to have tougher games coming up. Seriously, it's hard to imagine any team winning all their games or losing all their games, and you gotta figure the Raiders will steal a win somewhere just out of sheer luck, but damn... they don't look too good. A team with both Randy Moss and Warren Sapp and a pirate for their logo should be selling far more merchandise than they do, but they just can't get enough prominence to hit that lick right. Poor Ed Turtle and Harpo Garza. At least the A's are still all up in that ass.
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