NFL DORKERY: Western Division Teams Ranked

[Again, I'm a day late on last week's weekly rankings, so pretend yesterday never happened, just like I plan on doing with my stupid Redskins. I plan on getting back to the weekly track this week, though I doubt anybody but Mavpa reads this bullshit, and he probably doesn't even read it. HAPPY ANONYMITY, INTERNET WASTELAND! Hi, mom.]
#1: Denver Broncos (6-2)
(last ranking time #2) The western divisions are sort of lackluster, or maybe it's just the NFL in general, but it allows a guy like Jake Plummer to be the AFC's answer to Rex Grossman and kind of slip through a good season even though he's prone to games where he completely fucks everything up for everybody. Such teams are terrible to be a fan of come playoff time. Mike Shanahan is one of my least favorite coaches, and I've always hated the Broncos ever since ol' horsehead was their QB, because he was a big ol' bitch who refused to play for the Colts who drafted him out of college. I guess I should make a practice to hate Eli Manning for the same reasons. Primadonna fucks.

#2: San Diego Chargers (6-2)
(last ranking time #3) The Chargers starring LT v2.0 are a slightly better version of the Detroit Lions starring Barry Sanders, in that they have the greatest fuckin' player going, but haven't made a whole lot of noise ever in the playoffs. Maybe this year is their year. Then again, maybe not. The dude that won my stupid email football pool last year is a Chargers fan, and he gloats a lot about stupid shit, so I sort of root against the Chargers just because of him. Though I don't outright root against them, I like to see them succeed enough to just barely fail. Marty Schottenheimer is the perfect coach to make things like that come true, with his bad luck bridesmaid grumpy old ass.

#3: Seattle Seahawks (5-3)
(last ranking time #1) The Seahawks are really lucky they play in the NFC West, because it tricks people into thinking they are any good. Shaun Alexander sure is tough, ain't he? I imagine he and T.O. will one day adopt a Chinese girl so they can raise a kid together. Hopefully they make a reality show out of that one, and hopefully it's on a cable channel that I'd never see being all I have is an antennae, and it goes for like three hilarious years before I ever hear about it, and then everybody ever tells me it's the greatest show ever, so I can get all three seasons off Netflix and watch that shit all at once for like two weeks.

#4: Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)
(last ranking time #5) Herm Edwards can coach quality just-above-mediocrity out of any 54 players you give him. He has made a career of doing so. Larry Johnson should get a nickname because that's a pretty stupid name he's got. No one's ever gonna hire him to do Pepsi commercials or even United Way ads with an every day moniker like that.

#5: St. Louis Rams (4-4)
(last ranking time #4) Hey, let me let you in on a big secret - the Rams suck. They always will because they are a stupid dome team. They struck lightning gold in bottles flash that two-year period where arena league Jesus blessed Kurt Warner was possessed by God to bring arena league-style speedy high-scoring football to the NFL, but it was short-lived, and they won't be shit in St. Louis for a few years to come.

#6: San Francisco 49ers (3-5)
(last ranking time #6) Alex Smith is the new Jake Plummer. After suffering through the 49ers success of the late '80s/early '90s, I can't see enough of them sucking it up. I don't even remember who their coach is... I think it's that fuck who used to be with the Giants maybe. Or is it some college guy? They do have Vernon Davis, who likes to cry and is not gonna do well with more stringent drug testing in the NFL like they're talking about. That dude looks like a black He-Man, and is the latest in about six years straight of the "tight end of the future" style tight ends, all of whom suck more than Chris Cooley does.

#7: Oakland Raiders (2-6)
(last ranking time #8) Poor Art Shell, coming back to this. I imagine Warren Sapp and Randy Moss going out to seafood buffets together with Shell, and just complaining and complaining and complaining about every fuckin' little piece of shit thing they can complain about, and Shell having to sit there and listen because Al Davis instructed him to placate the faces of the team. I also imagine Robert Gallery playing a lot of video games, by himself, while high, and listening to Motley Crue.

#8: Arizona Cardinals (1-7)
(last ranking time #7) Hahaha, Denny Green thought he could make the worst team in professional sports not be the worst team in professional sports. The NFL could give the Cardinals Peyton Manning, LaDainlian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, and Champ Bailey, and they'd still be lucky to go 4-12. Denny Green, who was hyped as this great super coach who deserved a second chance other than the Vikings and it was a sign the NFL might be racist he never got interviewed for every shitty coaching job ever, and then he finally got hired in Arizona, which I think is a bigger sign of racism than him not being interviewed in other places. Seriously, you got two new black coaches these past few years, going to Oakland and Arizona, where they are doomed. Somebody's setting up the black man to fail.