Intro: We decided to do this monthly top 25 list where we take some shit we were hyped on throughout the month and write about it. I'm into it because the internet has caused me to have a short attention span, and without a list like this, I'd forget about most of this stuff within days. Once again, it's me (Mike Dikk) and Raven on this project, with this other dude named John. I think his full name is like John D, or John Dawson or something.
(internet simulcast with the Solaris Earth Pipeline blogorama)
MARCH EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS TOP 25 LB. FOR LB. HIP HOP SHITS ON THE EARTH YO
(not necessarily in any hierarchical order, but most def the most deffest shit for the previous month from a crew of whiteboys)
RM: Raven Mack - I am an old crotchetty fucker by internet standards, meaning I'm 28, and I love hip hop like I loved a cheating bitch with big titties in college. My turn-ons are beats that boom plus bap, scary dreams with unreleased beats by the 4th Disciple, and big floppy titties. My turn-offs are rappers with face tattoos that didn't come from jerry-rigged cassette walkmans, Puff Daddy derivatives, and Def Jux derivatives.
MD: I’m Mike Dikk and I get respect. Your cash and your jewelry is what I expect. My turn-ons are food, music by Willie Hutch and buying records. My turn-offs are paying bills, going to work and the Gym Class Heroes.
JD: (John) I am 31 and have been hanging around the net for too long. I am probably more nerdy than Mike and Raven combined. I collect sneakers, comic books, and go to Indy wrestling shows in far away central PA towns once a month. I also love hip-hop. My turn-ons are Torneo Ciberneticos, Nicolay beats, and pizza with whole wheat crust. My turn-offs are Lil Wayne, EL-P, and the B.I.G. Duets album.
#1: The White Rapper Show
RM: I do not have the satellite waves access at my compound, so I only caught a couple of eps of this show at my boy Embryo's house, so Mike and John will lay this one out more in depth. However, I can say from what I saw that, oddly enough, The White Rapper Show simultaneously made me proud of being the person I am yet embarrassed for being a part of the larger group known as white people. It would be great if it eventually came out that rap music was an elaborate sociological takeover plan meant to make white people become as stupid as they possibly could in order to seem cool, but we all know that black people never controlled the business aspects of hip hop, even from the beginning. Even Russell Simmons had Rick Rubin to co-sign the business loan paperwork. In all likelihood, hip hop has been a big joke to make a lot of dumber white people act even more obviously stupid so that the rich jews who actually control the entertainment industry can get even richer and identify the non-chosen white people easier by their oversized Akademiks hoodies. This also would explain Serch's part in this project.
MD: By the time you read this, the White Rapper Show will be over, and I for one will miss it. A lot of legit white rappers are angry about this, but you know honestly, this isn’t nearly as embarrassing to the contestants and rap music as Puffy’s Making The Band. The one with the rap group, not the one with Dannity Kane. Honestly, it’s not even as entertaining, but I still love it. There’s something about getting a bunch of people together that can barely rap to compete in a half assed contest where the person who can barely rap the best wins 100k that gives me hope that someday my borderline pseudo-talents will be randomly discovered and I won’t have to jump off the Corning Tower when I turn 30.
JD: I am doing this post-finale, post-long ass research paper typing, so I will make it short. I am glad the dude who won had bills to pay. If anything that would come out positive from this retarded show, it is some white kid's cell won't be turned off.
#2: Nas "Where Are They Now?" remixes
MD: I don’t like these in the way that I think they are good songs. It’s more for novelty purposes. The 80’s remix is cute, because it’s not like those dudes were doing too much, but the 90’s remix is the real kick in the ass. It’s like Nas is saying “Hey remember when you guys had careers the same time I did? Well, I still have one so here’s $50. Take a day off from UPS and come rap on my song that up to 20,000 people on the internet will hear and forget about within days of downloading it.” I’m really glad to hear Chip Fu on something though. Unfortunately, he wasn’t rapping backwards.
RM: This is one of like seven thousand things I’ve meant to download, but my internet is powered by goats who spin old truck rims attached to stolen coaxial cables, so if I started downloading these tonight, I’d be able to listen to them in two days. And it’s never worth that much time. Well, I guess psychedelic African music from the ‘60s was, and maybe even Bronze Nazareth was too, but still… I am on internet welfare and when you internet fucks talk about all this shit you lovingly steal with ease, I feel like that old lady that lived upstairs from J.J.’s family on Good Times who was making meatloafs out of cat food. My shit freezes up if you attach a jpg to an email.
#3: Lil Boosie's voice
RM: Yes, southern rap is stupid (though not nearly as stupid as Fat Joe suggesting rappers “switch your style up, go southpaw,” but the nursery rhyme sing-songy nature of it reminds me of my younger days, when in first grade, our teacher was married to a dude who owned Ernie’s Disco in Farmville, and we had a field trip where we went to a cinderblock country disco club and just danced under weird lights. It was awesome. Now that place is called Fever’s, and it doesn’t have a website, and when I was in high school, if you were a white dude, you’d better know a somebody or two to walk through the doors. I imagine all this southern shit is popular there on the weekends.
Now, Lil Boosie, the latest entrant in the Lil Rapper/Young Rapper sweepstakes. One of the things I love about southern rap is how ugly and stupid you can be but still get pussy. Boosie is not a very pleasing fellow to look at, and on top of this his rapping voice sounds like a comedic crackhead’s voice trying to sell you a paper bag full of stolen porn DVDs for ten bucks outside the gas station where you can’t actually walk inside where the candy and beer is, but you have to tell the lady working there what you want and she walks around and gets it and slides it into that big metal bin. The fact that a guy who sounds and looks like Lil Boosie could not only have a record, but be fairly successful thus far, and in all likelihood be getting wild punani for his efforts, it makes me proud to be a southerner.
MD: I don’t even know which one Lil Boosie is. I used to be really up on this type of stuff, but the Lil Young Rapper Movement has completely left me in the dust. Personally, I would never name myself Lil Boosie, because that’s one letter away form being Lil Boobie, and Lil Boobies are never a good thing.
RM: I jacked off to some “retro” porn the other day… actually, I’m lying. This afternoon, on VHS, free of cookie computer entanglement. I got it labeled some other shit so no one is suspecting, plus labeled as some shit no one but me would care about, probably like JAPANESE ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER DANCIN’ OUTLAW SCHOOLBUS DERBY or some shit. Little titties are awesome. We’ve been spoiled by modern surgerionics.
#4: Brother Ali "The Undisputed Truth" CD
JD: I am one of those dudes who enjoy Slug, so Brother Ali caught me right from the jump. With the availablility out there to steal music and I have seen the advance all over the place for this, but I am avoiding it. It isn't really a moral thing because I will eventually steal it from somewhere, but I want to go into this with fresh ears. I think Brother Ali and Rhymesayers get a bad rap because they are in the same vein of Def Jux except EL-P is not involved, and if it does not have EL-P it is already starting out with at least three internet white guy points from me.
MD: This doesn’t come out until March, but with the internet these days, release dates mean nothing. When his first CD came out, I remember a few of my friends hyping it up, but I never got around to listening to it, maunly because those were the same friends who liked Mr. Lif and Slug. I don’t really have a problem with those dudes, but it’s just not my thing. Brother Ali is bringing Da Rill shit on this CD though, even if the last few tracks get a little too emo-rap for my tastes. Brother Ali is also helping me cope with my irrational fear of albinos.
#5: "snitchin'"
RM: When I came home from work the other day, it was like two days after my birthday, my 3-year-old daughter came running in wearing a green tutu and sunglasses and said, “Daddy, mommy ate part of your last piece of cake,” before even saying “hello” or anything. My wife just looked at the kid in amazement, and the kid ran back in the other room to fight pirate ballerinas with a dollar store hobby horse. I had to follow her in to explain to her how you don’t ever tell on people. Ever. Then I went to make sure I still had some motherfuckin’ birthday cake left.
I ain’t even suggest this one, but I’m the only one who wrote about it. I’d like to tell you whether Mike or John was the dumbass who put it on the list, but I wasn’t raised that way.
#6: Talib Kweli - "Lie a Lot"
MD: Talib has now released like 3 separate good things in a row. This track is him rapping over that “This is Why I’m Hot” beat. I don’t even remember the dudes name who does that song, but his version sucks a bag of dicks. Talib has been on fire as of late and he tears this track up. I’m almost starting to believe his upcoming full length won’t be completely terrible.
RM: They did a ragamuffin remix of that “This is Why I’m Hot” song, which isn’t nearly as crappy because it has dudes sing-rapping in ways I can’t understand, plus those loud horns are going off like a riot’s about to take place in Puerto Rico because Ox Baker and Abdullah the Butcher are carving Carlos Colon up with a fork. The original song is so bad that I thought the rapper was from Atlanta. Talib Kweli is proof positive that some rappers should be relegated to singles, because he has done a ton of awesome songs in his career, but they never seem to be lumped together on one CD.
#7: Sean Price "Jesus Price Supastar" CD
MD: I downloaded this and I haven’t listened to it yet, because I’m spoiled. My roommate said it’s good and I think he even has plans of buying the legit copy. He does silly things like that if it’s something he wants to support. That’s the only reason I even bothered to download it, because it must be decent. I’m not too into Sean Price’s past work though because he tends to rap too much in third person like a rappin’ Ricky Henderson.
JD: Of all the Justus League/Boot Camp collaborations this one works the best. Price is good when he avoids going into his gruff scream-like rhyming, but the production on this is top notch. It doesn't suck, which is alot to say about a hip hop album in 2007.
#8: Ozone magazine
MD: I’ve done zines that look better than this magazine. This is the only magazine I’ve come across that is too Bush League to even do subscriptions. A really ugly white girl is in charge of it too, and there are myspace pages that are more informative. With all that said, this is still a quick look through since it will make you legit LOL at least 28 times.
RM: Hell yeah you can get a subscription, because I got one fool! I love Ozone because it is worse than a zine, but on glossy paper and in 7-11s. And the interviews are exactly what you’d expect from like a teenage punk grrl’s fanzine, which is awesome because it’s rappers answering the questions and not stupid punk asses.
But mostly I love this “magazine” because of how every rapper is on a solo independent quest to “grind” and “hustle” his music to a higher level, complete with cheap screenprinted t-shirts that look like talented pre-schoolers drew the graphics for them, and gaudy logos and record company names housed somewhere like 168 N. 3rd Street, Monroe, LA. And also every issue of Ozone is a theme issue like The Drug Issue or The Sex Issue or Those Coming Up. If I could ask the obsessive internet for one thing, it would be a website that had a list of every name of a rapper or producer mentioned in Ozone magazine. That shit would be mad funny, especially if it had myspace links to everyone too.
#9: Haystak posse anti-White Rapper Show backlash
MD: I could have told you some white rapper would try and profit off of the white rapper show by making a diss track. I wouldn’t have guessed it would be Haystak though. He is like *The Worst* white rapper. So bad, he could compete on this show and you wouldn’t notice that he’s a real rapper. This dude beefing with reality show rappers is like a competitive eater starting shit with a NASCAR driver for not being a legitimate athlete.
RM: I find Haystak amusing, almost to a tolerable extent, but I grew up watching Hee Haw. Usually the only thing that makes not enjoy Haystak is when I actually listen to him. Still though, I quite enjoy a Haystak and boys beef against Serch, because no one will care. Except whiteboys. And not even most of them will care.
#10: SLAM! magazine
JD: I remember being like 22 at the weed dealers crib playing Dreamcast and he had this magazine with Keynon Martin on the cover looking thugged out as shit. I picked up the mag and it felt like I was smacked in the head with an anvil Bugs Bunny style. The mixture of hip hop culture and the NBA was all right here for me, dripping off every page. This is the only magazine that could take a "Where are They Now?" article about Jack Sikma and drop two motherfucks and a reference to Positive K.
RM: I almost bought one of these the other week because of John’s recommendation, but then I realized it was about basketball, and pro basketball mostly, and I remembered that the only great things about pro basketball are Gilbert Arenas and the last two minutes of like one of every twelve games. So instead I bought the new copy of Perfect 10.
#11: medium-sized city ghetto flea markets
RM: If we had done this in a hierarchical order, I would’ve been a mad crazy bitch to make this number one. I went to Richmond’s scenic dilapidated southside the other Saturday morning, just wasting some time before work, and hit the flea market in a shopping center that was probably the epitome of consumer style back in like 1959. I mean, it’s beyond the Big Lots/Goodwill phases of rundown strip mall, which is why it houses the flea market now. And man oh man, the beauty of the shitty ghetto flea market.
I should clarify, when I say “ghetto”, I don’t mean like almost every other fuckin’ person means when they say “ghetto”. You know how a 19-year-old girl will call the car her parents gave her “ghetto” because it’s a 2002 with stock wheels? Not like that. I mean beautiful come-together in the morning to sell shit ghetto, where the smell of popcorn and incense mixes with the sounds of the bootleg man’s boombox and mariachi music from the far corner tienda. There were so many things so amazing to take in, as I hadn’t been to the ghetto flea market in a few years. Bootleg graphic t-shirt style has come a long way in that time, as now I could conceivably style myself in almost every Hanna-Barbera character imaginable making bugged letter references to how much cocaine he’s selling. My personal favorite was Droopy Dog with birds in hand, so to speak. There was some dude selling his beats – his actual beats – at “affordable prices”, meaning he was hoping some random dude who wanted to be a rapper was gonna walk down the aisle of the flea market and drop a couple hundred bones on an original beat. But the best thing I saw was a framed picture of Biggie and Tupac on stage together, and then there was like a little box inside the frame that had a chrome toy pistol and a couple of I guess not-real $100 bills, and then there was a little plate marking their born and death days and saying “HUSTLE HARD”.
The parking lot was no different than the inside. Weird rasta dudes that have all that oddball face jewelry and beads in their beards and an Explorer with strange airbrushed bug guards, donks in various stages of pimpedness, not to mention your standard bass-bumping smooth like Big Daddy sedans just going in circles for no reason. I had quite the time there, and all I bought was some incense and a couple of pupusas, but that was because the stupid bootleg man didn’t have shit but a couple of Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy mixtapes.
JD: The flea market used to be the spot for the morning post-heavily drinking to sober up before coming home to face the parents, but as I got older and married, it became the place to find a cheap set of wrenches or a belt. There is not a sweeter feeling in the world than rolling up to some older couple wearing straw hats sitting in a lawnchair in front of a cardtable and finding that issue of Flash #200 that used to belong to their kid, or getting season 4 of Seinfield for my wife at $12 from that one person who has every DVD, PS2, XBox, and CD ever made on the cheap. Respect the flea market.
MD: Oddly enough, I live in a city with no real flea markets/swapmeets. I’d go to them all the time in Connecticut. They had them in New Haven and Bridgeport. It’s a great place to go and buy baby pitbulls from some dude who is keeping them in a storage bin. In the same trip, you can buy a knife set, 50 lighters for $5, and a pair of sneakers that are so bootleg they aren’t even trying to be a specific pair of sneakers. They’re just called “Air”.
#12: Mike Jones - "Mr. Jones"
RM: Mike Jones is so much fun because he’s so stupid, always saying his name and giving out his number. I have been brainwashed by this song because, one, it’s Mike Jones, and two, it makes me feel so much better than all the other crap they play on the southern pop rap power hour shows. Also, I find it absolutely hilarious that once the second hook kicks in, instead of just having a ringtone separate you can buy of this song, Mike Jones just has the ringtone in the song over top the regular beat. It’s the first time I’ve ever thought of buying a ringtone in my life. Mike Jones, if nothing else, is a master salesman. And also Mike Jones is like the one dude that’ll drive indie-minded white rap fans insane. They love to go off on big tangents about what a dumbass Mike Jones is while Binary Star or Aesop Rock is bumping in their ipod earpieces.
MD: I am a huge defender of Mike Jones’ first LP, as being one of the only full length records worth a shit in the New Wave Of Southern Hip Hop (NWOSHH). I’ve heard this song once so far and I think the beat is a bit too serious. The rapping and chorus suggests a goofy beat, but that’s not what you get. I’ll have to give this more of a chance before I denounce it. I might have to wait until the summer to get this CD though, because the last one was such a great summer CD, and it is far too cold right now for me to be in a cheerful mood. What? A cheerful mood. What? A cheerful mood.
#13: 50 Cent vs. Dipset 21st century technology battle
JD: The really funny thing about this is it seems like such a work, and no one called either of them out on it. Dipset are not the crew it seems to turn down publicity, no matter how small it may be, and 50 is quickly in danger of becoming a bump in the mainstream hip hop road. What is the solution? To wage a war over youtube. Youtube can be an extremely frightening place, but this is some really funny shit going on. I am not sure of what 50 is doing to combat Cam's wrath, but Cam made a video which had clips of him in some Indian deli making a cheesesteak. Game, Set, Match Dipset.
MD: The actual beef is lame. The amazing part is that there’s entire dis VIDEOS within the span of a week because of that crazy goddamn internet. There’s also www.cuurtis.com to keep you up to date with everything, and fucking A, the internet has made hip hop beef so convenient for me. No more waiting upward to two months to hear an answerback. If I hear a dis track, and I don’t hear an answerback within a few days now, I know you aren’t serious about your beef.
RM: I read the hype before spending two hours waiting for the stupid radio show clip to come up on my youtube connect. I was disappointed. When Cam’ron got shot in D.C. last year because somebody was trying to steal his Lamborghini, no one cooperated with the police. I understand the “no snitchin’” mantra, but that’s kinda silly. At least make up some shit to tell the police. Like if black people wanted to exact racial revenge, whenever they don’t want to snitch, instead of not talking to police, they should just always describe a white dude, about 5’11” or so, with short brownish hair, in like khaki pants.
#14: Lil Wayne's ghostwriting staff
RM: When it comes to mainstream rapping, either on originals or on remixes or guest spots or mixtape moves, Lil Wayne is pretty popular right now, and definitely has mastered a nice combo of cadence fluctuations with his weird voice. But with southern rap having become so MTV-friendly, I am 100% sure these dudes aren’t ever writing their own shit. (Besides, how would every other rapper who comes out really be the unknown platinum ghostwriter he claims he is if this wasn’t true?) I often imagine that there’s like a little office space somewhere in New Orleans where there’s like four or five dudes who just sit around writing rhymes for Lil Wayne while he and Baby cavort at island Marriotts, and these four or five dudes make like $15 an hour under the table, and Baby will show up with sterling silver chains with cubic zirconium chains that all feature some sort of thugged up Cash Money logo. And then every couple of months one of the four or five dudes will get hip to the fact that his lyrics are like all over an MTV video with Fat Joe and Lil Wayne throwing twenty dollar bills at the camera, and he’ll have a friend’s uncle who has a record label who will give him a solo deal and that dude will leave the office space and do some Lil Wayne diss tracks that nobody hears, and some other hyped up kid takes his spot at the office space and Lil Wayne and Baby just keep on flying to Miami to have threesomes with Trina.
JD: If you go out and check the illegal music downloading channels there is a Lil Wayne mixtape out there about every two weeks. He has a ghostwriting staff? Never would have thought it. I like the picture Raven painted of an office pumping out Cash Money rhymes. I am guessing it would probably be inbetween a temp agency and an insurance company in some little office park in Oklahoma somewhere and is staffed with every 17 year old who ever sent a demo to Baby wearing one of those goofy hoodies and wearing an aluminum Cash Money chain.
RM: I heard Lil Wayne in an interview on the radio machine the other night. He said he wanted to “kiss and make up” with Jay-Z, to end some beef I never heard about before. The influence of X on rap will be interesting once more and more rappers go beyond the thizz face and start fucking other guys and wearing leather chaps and shit.
#15: Waxpoetics magazine
RM: Sampling/crate digging magazine, sort of, in that it explains the history behind certain old oft-used tracks or record labels and artists. Motherfucker’s like 8 bucks, which always caused me not to get it, but I got the one with the cover story on James Brown, and it had a long ass article on “Planet Rock”, plus there were ads for labels putting out 7-inch 45s in the year 2007, which amazed me, and excited me. I have an old jukebox that I like to keep filled with strange shit… it’s kinda like my ipod except I can’t move it without someone helping me push it across the room, and it holds 200 songs, unless one side of the 100 45s has more than one song.
MD: One day, I aspire to buy this, but the cover price is $8, and that’s kind of a hard sell for me, since that’s the average price I like to pay for actual books. After Raven was blabbing about it, I went out to go buy a copy but of course it was the one time Border’s didn’t have any copies. The one time I came close to buying a copy was the one with the dope ass P-Funk claymation cover, but I think I ended up buying some other dumb magazine that was $4 and most likely not even worth the $4. Sometimes I hate being such a bargain shopper.
#16: saying "CCCCUUUUURRRRRTTTTTIIIIISSSSS!"
JD: Not once have I never felt it necessary to say “Ballin'”. But I do mentally diss someone by their first name, CCCCURRRRTTTIIISS style on a daily basis. The kid at the grocery store who lets my pack of vegetable soup mix go under the conveyor belt thing, the guy who runs the sub shop in town running out of bread, they all get the long, drawn-out first name treatment. I am not sure in this day and age in hip-hop there could be a bigger diss than calling some dude by his government name continuously on a track. Again, winner Dipset.
MD: Check the Dipset vs. 50 Cent entry. Cuuuuuurtiiiis is the new Baaaaallin. There’s even a www.cuurtis.com.
RM: I think the important thing here too is when someone is playing themselves off as super-cool and they have a stupid name like “Curtis”. 50 could’ve said “CAAMMMEEERRROOONNNN!” and it wouldn’t have had the same impact. But Curtis is a nerd name. I also suspect most people who would actually say “BALLIN!” are worse off than a dude named Curtis in an argyle sweater playing internet chess while fingering Erykah Badu’s dreadlocked pussy.
#17: all-over print skull t-shirts
MD: The full name to this entry is: Hip Hop artists successfully (and miraculously) making those all over print skull shirts you get from Spencer’s Gifts fashionable. It’s been marinating since the “Stay Fly” video a while back, but now it’s commonplace to see dudes in the mall rocking these. I fully expect the following things to get clout from the hip hop scene now: Boob Pasta… Hats that say “Over The Hill”... Greeting cards with really fat ladies in lingerie on them and cheap rubber dolls that either pull down their pants, fart, or hump stuff.
RM: I’ve seen these things on people. I don’t find it as amazing as like the weird ugly zip-up hoodies that are like green with yellow dogs on them or some shit like you’d see young and funky mother types buying skirt prints of at the Goodwill.
#18: Taylor's bail bonds commercial
RM: So the Richmond radio station has their average 10 to 11 pm mix show, and when the commercial breaks came on, I hearded the most amazing commercial ever. Had that “Locked Up” intro jail cell slamming shut, then that old school “I’m in jail… in jail… in jail without no bail,” followed by a pay phone sounding voice saying “Yo, you gotta come get me outta here man, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” and then finally some local rapper raps a verse purposely written for this commercial, about Taylor’s Bail Bonds being the best in town to get you out quick and with the best rates, though I always thought bail bondsman rates were pretty much the same everywhere. I’d hate to think motherfuckers are shopping around for bail bondsmen.
The commercial is hilarious because of what it’s about, and also because rap has become so commonplace that there’s talented enough lyricists to write stupid verses for local radio commercials nowadays. The possibilities are endless.
#19: "This promo belongs to Matthew Snyder"
MD: El-P’s advance of his new CD contains personalized Advance Copy warnings. So basically, some dumbass named Matthew Snyder decided to leak his advance copy and now every person who has illegally downloaded El-P’s new CD has the same leak with the “This promo belongs to Matthew Snyder” warning going on throughout the CD. That is fucking brilliant advance copy protection, and I have to tip my hat off to El-P and Def Jux for not only keeping those advance warnings annoying, but now making them personal so we can all e-point and laugh at specific people.
RM: I would expect El-P and Def Jux, with their robotic Philip K. Dick lyrics and beats like the children of Kraftwerk having sex with Motorola camera phones, to be on the cutting edge of robot dickishness. I’d like to defend Matthew Snyder here, but that faggot likes El-P a whole lot seemingly, so how can I?
#20: Throwback Thursdays mix shows
RM: I’m surprised old school shows on the radio aren’t more common by now. I mean, seriously, it’s 2007. Can’t we dump the Sunday afternoon Quiet Storm format for an old school mix show? Hip hop is a pretty organic music form in that shit gets stuck in your head pretty easily, but also black folks tend not to be material accumulators of every album ever like white people are (I think it’s are genetic inclination towards control), so it’s not like Mr. Average Joe Blackman has his old copy of “Treat ‘Em Right” or EPMD’s “Golddigger” in the cassette collection anymore. Thus the mix show illicits grand feelings of “OH SHIT! THIS WAS THE JAM!” I don’t think any other form of music has the power that old rap jams have, but that might be because they don’t play that shit on the radio enough.
But when I can turn on a radio and happenstance upon “Passin’ Me By” mixed into “I Got a Man” and so on, that’s good shit. Much better than those stupid Puerto Rican riot horns in “This is why I’m hot! I’m hot because I’m fly! You ain’t because you not!”
MD: I’m one of the few people that like those Puerto Rican riot horns. Madlib and J Dilla use (in Dilla’s case, used) them all the time. Once I actually find a sound clip of the riot horn, I am redubbing all my music with the WA WA WAAAAAHHHHHHHH sporadically placed throughout the song.
#21: "trill"
JD: I am not sure what trill is. I know it was the name of a couple of Bun B things, but outside of that, I tend to avoid any hip hop from south of North Carolina like the plague. I never got it. Maybe it was growing up in the northeast, maybe it was none of the people I associated with who dug hip hop liked the stuff coming out of Texas, but it isn't my deal. I guess trill is an adjective, and I will leave it like that.
RM: You so untrill, John. I bet you still wear yellow gold and ain’t never seen a Swarovski crystal.
#22: Hip Hop Woodstock in Vegas
JD: Hip Hop and Woodstock? What the fuck? Apparently Pac-Man Jones and Nelly brought $100,000 in singles to a strip club as "prop money" to throw around and when one of the strippers grabbed some of the loot, Pac-Man beat a stripper’s ass and one of his posse shot a bouncer leading him to paralysis. Only the fucking moronic sports media today would have the balls to take something that, although flawed, was positive like Woodstock and mix that with the new Freaknik, the NBA All-Star weekend.
RM: I hadn’t heard that combo of terms, but I also try to avoid sports media a lot of times, unless I’m on a sports radio kick. I feel sorry for ESPN guys like Dan Patrick and Stuart Scott and even that one little black dude who was like Malcolm X B. Free Columnist dude who annoyed everybody, because they seem to act like they feel they are down with hip hop, but they’re pretty much hip hop for white fratboys who wear those button down striped shirts that aren’t flannel but aren’t dress shirts and tuck their shit into khaki shorts in the summertime. Jim Rome is like that, too. In fact, he’s the worst. That guy can’t go to enough prison and get raped by enough black dicks to make me stop thinking “War Romey going to prison and getting raped by black dicks.”
The “prop money” thing is like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Can Pac Man Jones be that dumb to not know that’s what strippers are there for? I mean, he went to college briefly in West Virginia where they have full nudity by full-blown drug whores in the clubs. He ought to know the deal by now.
MD: Calling the NBA All Star Weekend the Hip Hop Woodstock is like calling the MLB All Star Weekend, the Wattstax of Metal. I mean, couldn’t they have at least called it the Black Hip Hop Woodstock so the statement could have blossomed into full retardation?
#23: Apathy's "Baptism by Fire" CD
MD: When I first heard Apathy, I really thought he was going to be the next Eminem. I’m not saying that just because he’s a good white rapper. There are a lot of good white rappers, but he was actually on a major label. I don’t really know what happened. I just think the mainstream is over good hip hop, and even if good hip hop came along and fucked them in the ear and blew the load right on the tip of their nose, they still wouldn’t get it.
This new CD is a bootleg of sorts I guess. It’s mostly new material, but it’s not on a label or anything. It’s worth your time if you’re into clever, punchline-y rap.
Apathy is also from CT, which is where I’m from, and the last notable rapper from CT was Stezo, so I have to support.
JD: I have this sitting on my desktop and haven't yet listened to it, but I am guessing it is good. Apathy is one of those hip hop guys that are better in mixtapes than on an actual album. His first bootleg album along with the mixtape, Where's My Album, were tons better than the actual LP he put out. He also has someone in his posse called Emilio Estevez. If he didn't have so much Celph Titled on his songs, I would say he may be the best white MC out there today.
#24: legally free mixtapes
MD: If you didn’t hear, the RIAA came and busted DJ DRAMA DRAMA GANGSTA GRIZZZZILLLLS in some sort of attempt to scare people out of making mixtapes. So now most mixtapes are legally free, so the RIAA can’t say shit. Of course this just mean there will still be bootleg copies to be sold at flea markets for the less internet saavy and rappers and DJs will see all of the money from copies they actually bootleg themselves, without the RIAA hassle. The consumer won’t feel morally wrong about downloading something that’s free either, so everyone wins. Except the RIAA, who are total fucking assholes, and I’m not just saying that because I enjoy stealing music. I won’t get into it here, but I’m sure you can google “RIAA + total fucking assholes” and get some good reading material on the subject.
RM: My favorite thing is if some shitty CD gets illegally downloaded 75,000 times, the RIAA is all like, “That’s 75,000 copies that the artist loses money on,” when in actuality, about four-fifths of the shit I’ve ever downloaded, I never would’ve thought of buying. Never. But also, mixtapes were always labeled “for promotional uses only”, so it was kinda weird when you’d see that shit in Best Buy for sale like a regular CD.
And record labels basically fuck the people sign fairly regularly, as your average record label isn’t a company footing the bill for your artistic endeavor so much as someone giving you a guaranteed loan investment into you recouping their money with your artistic endeavors. It’s not like they care about the artists making money so much as they care about filling their fat Jew bellies with kosher t-bones.
#25: computer love
JD: The internet can be a pretty awful place. Luckily where this list came from is not that. So far there are no internet beefs with other message boards, no outages, and no threads asking me if I want a bigger dick. It is a rare thing in 2007 to find a nice, cozy part of the internet like that. No homo.
RM: Well shit, now that you said that, every fuckface who checks Mike’s blog is gonna sign up now and ruin the shit with gay-assed internet beefery. The internet is basically a word-based role-playing game version of Grand Theft Auto where fucks build these elaborate fake worlds, and all day long when they’re trapped by their regular real life world, all they can think about is going back to the word-based role-playing game version of their life so they can LOL and troll and mock all the stupid faggots of the internet world. It makes them feel better about being a stupid faggot in real life. And yes, I realize what a stupid fag that makes me for explaining that. If my dad was still alive, I’d be embarrassed as fuck if he found out about this.
MD: I can’t really speak on this because talking about our super secret nerd message board on our nerd blogs is way too meta for me.
RM: Meta is like 80% metal. Then again, metal has sucked for longer than hip hop, and didn’t even wait for the internet to get ruined.
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