Coors

AFFORDABILITY: Okay, for some reason Coors, Coors Light, Budweiser, and Bud Light like to price themselves as if they are some sort of actual great beer, when it’s the same shit taste as any other cheap can of beer, except not so cheap. However, they both run mad commercials, therefore causing stupid fucks to identify with the brands. Coors is over $8 a 12-pack, which for a shitty beer, is ridiculous. Tecate was the same price and I was about to get that instead today, but the new light yellow boxes of the Coors 12-pack confounded me, as I save my empty 12-pack boxes for other endeavors (siding the insides of a couple “found” campers I have on my property), and the yellow is a purty color. Still though, $8 for a shitty 12-pack? 1 out of 5.

DESTROYABILITY: Like any cheap beer, it’ll get you drunk if you drink fast enough. It promises 5% on the can, which I guess is slightly higher than regular cheap beers that aren’t iced up, but I don’t know. I don’t remember it fucking me up more than other shit like Old Milwaukee or PBR. But I’ll trust the can. 3 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Here’s where Coors shines. Soothing yellow can, mountains and some gangster ass crest-worthy lions in silver, plus a little catch phrase of “A brand that has stood the test of time…” with an actual (or maybe pretend) Coors dude’s signature behind the quote. That’s class for a cheap beer. (Note: couldn't find a picture of the newer cans, so had to use one of an old can that was crushed for some reason, which is what I thought about doing with a can to fit on my scanner, and then I realized that's where I hide my favorite porn mag in the house since my wife never scans anything.) 5 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Figured it’s Coors, which were probably Nazis smuggled out during Project Paperclip to the mountains of Colorado, because first dude’s name was Adolph Coors, and plus there’s mad neo-nazis and crazy supremacists out in Colorado. However, label brags upon some company called Banquet, which is probably just some new name they gave themselves when everybody was caught up in what Nazis they were (which also is probably why they couldn’t be available on the east coast – with all the Jewish influence – before a decade or two ago, because if you remember Smokey & The Bandit, them dudes were smuggling Coors back east). Still, you can’t drunkenly wreck your car into a convenience store without hitting a Coors poster, so they’ve got some corporate clout. 3 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: When I was a kid, my folks ran with a bunch of longhaired hippie redneck good ole boy fuck-ups who told great stories. One dude who had the biggest beard when I was a kid that I saw regularly – Harold – he drank nothing but Coors. That makes it awesome. Few years back, I was laid over in the Roanoke bus station and Harold supposedly lived there, so I looked him up and called and he was on disability because of breaking his back in some forklift accident, and his son who I used to play with and fight with all the time, he was now the assistant manager of a Red Lobster, and it was all too real, and depressing. Harold told me he didn’t drink anymore, which means he didn’t drink Coors anymore, which means when this guy you never met named Harold was awesome in life, he drank Coors all the time; and then when life sucked for him, it was probably because he didn’t drink anymore Coors. 4 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 and 1/5 stars!