Icehouse

Oh man, I bought a 12 of this last week for the box (artfag shit), and drank six of them and the others got relegated to the back of the fridge behind the crock of fermented sauerkraut, which is where I store cheap beer we use for making beer bread for dinner (cheap quick bread recipe that uses a can of cheap beer as replacement for yeast). However, I didn't want to drink all my wife's random beers, so I figured I owed it to her to drink these.
AFFORDABILITY: Icehouse is not expensive, but it is the most expensive canned ice-style beer gotten at regular stores. Thusly, 4 out of 5.

DESTROYABILITY: It's an ice beer, so it fucks you up. That's the name of their game. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: I think most ice beers are required to have mountains on them in some way, but it looks like Icehouse decided to filter this mountain motif through the type of tribal design that Marine dropouts who like to use the word "milf" would get tattooed around their upper arms. 2 out of 5. (Note: image used for this post is their old bullshit.)
CORPORATE MASTER: It says Plank Road Brewing Company, but because this is in every motherfuckin' store from here to Sacramento... I went to the Icehouse site to figure out who really owns them, and you have to do flash shit to put your birthdate, and then there's a label that says "0.0%" for alcohol content that loads up to the 5.5% they have on their label, which might be the most brilliant thing I've seen on the internet in months. Oh wait, no, now it's loading content, which means that was just loading spyware and tricking me into thinking it was something hilarious. I never did find out, but for it to be everywhere, it must be owned by people Kurt Saxon would want me to throat slit. 1 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Not very good at all, though at one point in my life, I got a job painting on this crew, and it was me, the crackhead black guy foreman, the child molester old pervert painter, and the other guy who was the real complete loser on the crew even though he had no addictions nor child perversions but he also had a wife who hated him and didn't live with him who he depended on to get rides to work. Well, loser guy and child molester guy were buddies at work, and black crackhead didn't like them, and I went to work and we smoked some work real fast, so crackhead foreman sent them home, he bought a 12-pack of Icehouse and asked me, "Whatchoo want to do, mane, go back to tha shop or sit here and drink on some Icehouses, gettin' paid for it?" I, of course, opted for the getting paid choice, because I grew up listening to Too Short. 3 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 2 & 4/5 stars!