Pabst Blue Ribbon

Yep, I drink the trendiest beer of all, although I guess it was trendy in Richmond when I still lived there 8 years ago and has now trickled all the way down to where when you go to rich kid college parties, the kind with Indian exchange students and shit, even they drink PBR now.
AFFORDABILITY: At my local run-down supermarket, PBR is now half a dollar cheaper than Old Milwaukee even, so unless you want to get into the Milwaukee's Best section of beer, which I think is pretty much reserved for people under the age of 19 or hobos, then it's about as cheap as you can get. 5 out of 5

DESTROYABILITY: All cheap beers destroy you as you pummel them into your liver, so my rating in this category is more for how you feel about it. Pabst does not hurt your innards like other cheap beers may do. Still, it's cheap beer that is unfortified, so you have to get forearm deep into the 12-pack box before you start to feel anything of note. 4 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Pabst Blue Ribbon cans are neat-looking enough, but once filtered through the pop culture memories of how many dumbasses you've seen wearing PBR t-shirts or, worse yet, PBR mesh "trucker" hats, the label loses its luster. 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: PBR is still claimed by the Pabst Brewing Company, but somehow like one of every two cheap beers is owned by the same company, which I don't remember being Pabst, maybe Miller, and like every cheap beer ever's name is owned ultimately by them and just continued so that different regional dumbfucks or national dumbfucks can attach to whichever name they want and drink themselves silly like our grandfathers used to do. 2 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Probably could be higher since bikers and rednecks used to drink this shit exclusively back in the day (as in that Johnny Russell song "Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer"), but of course every anthropology major ever sitting next to you at a cleverly-named college town bar has probably already explained this history to you by now. Not many bikers or rednecks drink that shit anymore, so it's sort of a dead fact, since I don't think if dead bikers and rednecks who used to like this shit are zombified and looking for their brains, they're not gonna eat a bunch of college grad hipster doofus brains because it's soaked in PBR. In fact, perhaps all this is just a long-term marinade plot by such forces to that there's a healthy harvest of brainy PBR-drinking types for when this inevitable redneck biker zombie invasion takes place. 2 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 stars!