Yuengling Black & Tan

AFFORDABILITY: Yuengling products are the cheapest of the “good” beers you can possibly buy, with 12-packs of bottles ringing up for less than 12-pack cans of shit brands like Budweiser and Coors in many places I frequent with my rapidly disappearing credit limit. So if you’re looking for a glass to grip instead of a can to clutch, there is nothing better than Yuengling beers. And the Black & Tan is usually on the cheaper end of their varieties. I would’ve bought Porter, but I was being a Jew that day in the store and this was a dollar cheaper per six-pack than the Porter. 5 out of 5.

DESTROYABILITY: Black & Tan will fuck you up, but I have also found in my extensive research that it’ll hurt your brain to if drunk in quantities enough to make you hilariously drunk. This does not bode well for tomorrows. And I always have this fear that the type of alcohols that put a piledriver on your brain are also the ones that secretly double dropkick your liver at a more impactuous level. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Pretty gay actually, with an eagle and a banner proclaiming “America’s Oldest Brewery” as if that mattered to 34-year-old drunkard Raven. The one time I went to Pennsylvania to see a dirt track race there, the car that won the late model class was sponsored by Yuengling and painted up like the Porter label and it was pretty nice. A car painted up like this label probably wouldn’t win many features, or if it did, it’d look chumpy doing so. 1 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Yuengling seems to be one of the few major brands not made by major assholes. I’m sure in actuality they’re distributed by Bohemian Grove Freemason Man-boy Love Association Local 666, but if I don’t know about it, then it’s all good by me. 5 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: The Yuengling brand is linked to many an adult memory of drunkenness for me, however the Black & Tan variety is the least linked to that. I still hold them all together (actually, just the Lager and the Porter and the Black & Tan, because nowhere around here really has Lord Chesterfield’s Ale, probably due to political sensitivities towards the black community, and why the fuck would I buy a light beer when beer belly allows me to zen buddhist tantric 69 with dreadlocked chicks?) in my mind, but Black & Tan is also known to me as the one that causes me to need Goody’s headache powder the next day, which I never buy because instead I just drink a big jar of water, which doesn’t help either so usually I just lay around on the couch hoping something good comes on my three stations, which it doesn’t, which means I drink more beer out of boredom. 3 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 and 1/5 stars!