#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-0; #3 overall) - Brett Favre is resurrected from last year's interception-prone washed-up old greedy fuckhead, back to his earlier stereotype of smiley love-of-the-game quarterback with a linebacker's outlook, but now he has the noble highlights of greying hair. And conventional sports analyst talking point is "OMG! Packers defense is the shiznit, which allows Favre to be comfortable he doesn't have to force things and he can let them develop. And then BAM! You've got the ghosts of Curly Lambeau and Vince Lombardi and Bart Starr (is that dude dead?) smiling down upon the frozen tundra, which of course is no longer frozen because they have heated wires embedded under the turf that keeps the ground from freezing. In reality though, the NFL is probably fucking fixed like all other popular forms of sports entertainment, and this Favre last hurrah (which may or may not run into next year, depending on how many $80 Packers sweatshirts they move at nflshop.com this fiscal year) has two possible outcomes, both of which involve the passing of a symbolic torch to a young QB. First, this could be a set up for a rematch of the Packers/Patriots in the Super Bowl, where Favre would in video flashbacks relive his greatest moment as Super Bowl QB (complete with hilarious Where Are They Now? segments with Desmond Howard, who probably runs an auto body shop in Detroit now), and then the Patriots would stomp on the Packers and Tom Brady would take that mojo for his own. Although, Brady's already considered the new Joe Montana, so that might be unnecessary. Which could mean this is a set-up for Peyton Manning to return to the Super Bowl and beat Favre and the Packers, which is much more vainglorious than beating Rex Grossman, but it would also establish Peyton as the next Favre, which would instill in all of us reverence for the touchdowns records and shit that Peyton's easily gonna break in a number of years, and we will be programmed to put some heavy air beneath that stupid fucking recorded number, which of course, I liked much better when it was Dan Marino - 420, which meant every time the Dolphins scored, I could smoke a bowl. Now, with Favre having the record, what the fuck do I do? I guess I could go catfishing every time the Packers win, but football is a cold weather sport and that doesn't jibe well with prime catfish season. Stupid fucking Brett Favre.
#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (3-1; #9 overall) - I tend to hate really popular teams, but it's always been hard to hate the Steelers. Back when I was young, they had wacko nutjobs like Jack Lambert and Mike Webster. Then you had the Slash era, and even the Steelers when they won the Super Bowl, I couldn't really hate them. They play football the way you're brainwashed into machoistically thinking football was sposed to be played. And I feel the same thing now with Mike Tomlin as their coach. Look at the dude on the sidelines next time they're on your TV - he's young as fuck and basically looks like someone who used to smoke blunts with Pete Rock. If my Pete Rock & CL Smooth He's the DJ & I'm the Rapper audiocassette hadn't been eaten by my thrift store dual tape player component this past spring, I bet I could play that shit and that one song where for like five minutes Pete Rock goes, "Darius Walker's in the house... Chuck Chillout turns it out... Derek Anderson in the mix... Heavy D's in the mix," I bet he shouts out Mike Tomlin. So mostly I root for the Steelers, and sometimes I even wish, when they have their heads turned the right way, that their helmet was nothing but black with the yellow center stripe. Fuck logos. That's one reason the Browns are awesome, because I don't know if they have a logo and they have a blank orange helmet with stripes. Sometimes less is more. Actually, always less is more, unless you need like more money to pay your electric bill or keep your cell phone or something, and then less is not more, unless losing all the internet/TV/telephone distractions allows you to scheme up new more foolproof ways to con money out of motherfuckers, then I guess it is more, eventually.
#3: DETROIT LIONS (3-1; #12 overall) - Haha, Matt Millen thinks he's cool. Here's the deal... I'm a Redskins fan, and as much as I like to naively pretend we're gonna be awesomer than God and Muhammad tag teaming the Buddha's wife while he's dancing with Shiva downstairs, the Redskins sorta suck, and even me saying sorta shows what a fanboy I am. If the 3-1 OH SHIT! LIONS! lose to the Redskins this weekend, then they suck just as bad as ever. And even if they win, well shit, I can kick a retard's ass in chess, but it doesn't mean I should throw away the checkers because I'm not a loser anymore. (I love the levels of dual use checker/chess boards, where some had the red and black squares, meaning this was a shitty checkerboard, but you can play chess if you're some sort of egghead fucker; or you had the black and white checkerboard, meaning it was probably for chess, but they included checkers in case you couldn't handle it or you wanted to play something you could beat your 8-year-old kid at; the classiest is the wooden board with black squares, so you don't have to decide either way, and those bamas usually have those off-white faux-ivory checkers instead of standard red, like for a backgammon board, and you can't stack them easily when you get a king, because it lacks those nifty interlocking ridges like old checkerboards had... well not real old, because real old checkerboards had like acorn caps and ginger snaps as the two sides, and you'd sit around playing checkers with your homeboys and however wasn't playing would pick the git-fiddle or the dulcimer or just stand around stoking the fire, literally.)
#4: BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-2; #15 overall) - Brian Billick is the most mediocre dude to ever have won a Super Bowl as a coach and then proclaim himself a genius forever and a day. It's starting to look as if last year was about the last two thousand miles anybody was gonna squeeze out of "Air" McNair, which is sad because he's a likeable guy, but also means Kyle Boller era pt. 2. I could see the Ravens season getting very ugly, especially considering some of the shit they've already shown, which would be funny because there's a lot of dudes there I absolutely hate (Ray Lewis, Billick... I guess just those two). The Ravens also bother me because every time I tell somebody I never met my name, they go "Hunh?" like I was clicking my name like a Kalahari palm wine drunkard or some shit, and I have a rotating array of answers, "Raven like the poem," or "Raven like the football team," or "Raven like the bird," which I vary depending on the chump ass I'm talking to. I hope one day some stupid son of Rainbow Gathering polyamorous lovers who grows up with a similar name can say, "Raven like that stupid fucker who wrote a bunch of stupid shit on the internets and died broke with more credit card debt than his shitty budget life insurance policy could pay off, so his family buried him themselves about two feet below the ground back in his goat pen where he'd always sit and drink beer and lift weights and listen to Kreator tapes on a shitty boombox."
#5: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-2; #20 overall) - What the fuck? Charlie Frye gets shipped the fuck out of town, and some dude I've never heard of (and I peruse those ultra-dorky Lindy's NFL Preview mags toiletside for like three months each year) takes over, supposedly as the middleman between Frye and the ushering in of the Brady Quinn NFL Legacy, but instead, all of a sudden the Browns are scoring more points than an arena league team. I think it's more of NFL free agency mediocrity parity smoke-and-mirror awesomeness, and eventually the personal Catholic priest style handing of young, virile Brady Quinn over to fat fuck Romeo Crennel by fat fuck Charlie Weiss will lead to more playoff home game wacky fan camera shots of those fat drunk dudes wearing dog masks in Cleveland. Then again, I don't actually believe that at all; I just wanted to make allusions to both former New England Patriots super-genius Bill Belichick's former ballyhooed coordinators somehow both having molested Brady Quinn, as if all the Bohemian Grove get-togethers and Jon-Benet Ramsey sex murders and Patriots being Super Bowl perennials ever since 9/11 and that gay dude who had White House press credentials who was apparently a victim of the Finders cult that Hunter S. Thompson was about to expose, including the boy auctions held in Washington, for charity, just two years ago, right before HST got suicided, and all that was connected to football and the Belichick coaching genius family tree. But it's not, so most likely, the Browns will always suck, but maybe they can snag a wild card this year, miraculously, and be everyone's favorite underdog come January.
#6: CHICAGO BEARS (1-3; #21 overall) - The Bears defense is starting to be injury-riddled, which ruins their season since their basic plan is to have awesome defense and special teams that scores more than their shitty offense. But I think there's more to it than all that. Lovie Smith seems to be one of the more outwardly Too Black Too Strong afro-americano coaches the NFL has had, and you know beyond Donovan McNabb getting set up, there's tons of behind closed doors bullshit the NFL's old guard still thinks about black quarterbacks. I think Lovie knows exactly how many more years he can squeeze out of this defense (perhaps eternally if he continues to draft well on that side of the ball), and he just wants to run through a steady stream of shitty shitty shitty white quarterbacks for the time being. I mean, for real, Rex Grossman has set a new level of ineptitude at the starting quarterback position, and he went all the way to the Super Bowl with it. The dude didn't just suck, he fumbled snaps... regularly. And Brian Griese comes in and looks like the career clipboard-holder he really was born to be. The latest rumblings are that Kyle Orton is mad improved and deserves a second chance at success. Which I imagine he'll get, and he'll suck it up. This all leads to Lovie getting himself Donovan McNabb next year, and they'll win two Super Bowls in a row, establishing the black quarterback as mentally equal to any white QBs (the aura of Doug Williams sorta gets ruined whenver you hear the dude talk, where he sounds like he's got a mouth full of barbecued tofu - I actually wanted to say hamhocks since he speaks with a thick southern accent, but I figured some stupid sensitive fag would think I was talking shit racially, even though if I remember correctly, eating hamhocks was a hilarious stereotype portrayed on the Beverly Hillbillies because white trash and oppressed southern negros tend to eat the same crap most of the time, so I changed it to barbecued tofu because if you live in a college town or some hip gentrified part of some city and there's one of those soul food/health food restaurants that are supposed to be so great but really aren't, the barbecue tofu is the first crap stupid fuckers try to convince you that you just have to try). Personally, the whole black quarterback thing is outdated and boring to me. I'm more concerned about black kickers as a sign of how racist the NFL really is. Can't we start up a Reggie Roby foundation or some shit? That dude invented the concept of hang time, and they have a little timer on the screen of every punt of every football game on any television station ever nowadays.
#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-3; #22 overall) - Apparently, after that game the other Monday night, Marvin Lewis just flat out chewed his team out about how selfish they all were. The whole "lol half the team has been arrested" thing is well-known by now, and that's gonna make your team shitty in the long run. You can mix in one or two guys like that (Dexter Manley is a good example from my own personal frame of reference as a Redskins fan), but you can't have a whole team full of questionable cats. I guess Carson Palmer and Chad Johnson were having a nice little T.O./Jeff Garcia display on the sidelines before halftime. Ocho Cinco is someone that a lot of hipster doofus internet faggot types have taken on as their cutting edge "dude is awesome" contrarian character this past year or two, because dude is over-the-top. The thing is, he's basically like an 80% T.O. He's not as good as T.O., and probably not as secretly homosexual as T.O. either, which is not to say that Chad Johnson is not really good and really gay in real life. But he's not gonna be shit anywhere else either, as he'll eventually chew up any good thing he has going with his own selfishness. I liked him better when I had no idea who he was and he did wacky things like pull signs out of snowbanks. Now that I've heard him talk in his fake smart guy way too many times, I realize he's just another dumb ass making a lot of money to play sports. That T.J. Housemuzeyaha guy has better numbers this year, by far, thus far. And he tends to be the one that makes the necessary catches. The sad thing about this is the Bengals were like the opposite of the Bears, in that they have shitty defense and try to compensate for that with an offense that'll score 40 points a game. But now that's gone. So what do they have left? The legacy of the Bengals, that's what. Welcome to the impossible Marvin Lewis. They should completely change their colors like the Buccaneers did, to move all the way away from their past, like be green and gold Bengals from now on. It seems that no matter how wackily they alter the striped uniform motifs, they're bound to suck.
#8: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-3; #28 overall) - I don't really have anything to even think about the Vikings, so instead I'd like to talk about how much I'd like to fuck Britney Spears, in a sweet loving fuck type of way. I mean, I used to hate her with her little go-go shorts on the cover of Rolling Stone sitting on a tricycle - it was straight up child molester imagery. But the longer she goes along and the more fucked up she gets, the more I love her. Her slightly chunkier figure is a plus (fuck all that noise about how she looked fucked up at the MTVs, although I didn't watch it, but motherfuckers get too hung up on how someone's fat sometimes who ain't even fat; that's why bitches like Nicole Ritchie feel fat), her drunkenness is a plus, and all the stupid shit she does just makes her more outlaw woman redneck bitch attractive to me (which also shows my own deficiencies in my environment growing up). She's just like the crazy redneck slut you live with for five of the best years of your lives, drinking and fighting and fucking and sucking, and you drop her off at the bank in the morning where she's a teller and you go to your construction job, but usually you knock off at lunch and go get drunk by the river, but pick her up, and she at least makes enough money to keep things straight (since she doesn't have the car during the day to leave like she wants to), and it's just good ass times, fucking like beasts while Motley Crue plays unironically really loud. The only difference between this and Britney is she's already rich, so she doesn't have to work, but I don't either. So we can just be stupid together. Which is why I respect that Kevin Federline dude so much. He played his cards well. Britney, if you happen to read this while drunkenly googling yourself to improperly attempt to gain self-confidence through the views of others, let me tell you, we can get the jacuzzi room in some shitty hotel, and I will lick that pussy until you feel good about yourself again, so long as you let me fuck you in the ass. Except grow some hair on that thing first. I ain't no child molester and I ain't licking no shaved cooch. You're 25, not 12.
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