#1: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (3-2; #6 overall) - The Seahawks rank, according to my dorkery, the best of the West, and they got stomped by the Steelers last week. I mean fucking stomped. They barely had the ball the second half, which is funny because I hate me some Mike Holmgren. In fact, the Seahawks seem to be a psychological experiment in putting together shit that sucks to me. I mean, they already had the worst uniforms with their old joints, but they somehow made them worse with the darker more Euro-somber style they kick now. Holmgren is a dickface, and Hasselbeck is one of those averagely successful quarterbacks that play forever and you just wish would get cancer or something. Shaun Alexander is the most obviously homo player the NFL has ever had. Shit, the only good thing they had going for them was Mack Strong, who has ran with the best active name in the NFL for over a decade now, and he just had to retire and shit the other day, so now that's gone too. I always made a point to get Mack Strong on my Madden teams, and he may not know it, but he's won like 18 Super Bowls in Redskins uniforms, with a slew of computer generated Hall of Fame quarterbacks, like Dale Beck and Chris Elway. So now the Seahawks are just the stupid Seahawks without Mack Strong, so there's no reason to like them. I guess that Lofa Tatupu linebacker dude is okay since his dad's name was fake foreigner talk on The Simpsons one time, but he should be playing for the Bengals or some shit instead.
#2: ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-2; #13 overall) - Haha, the ongoing soap opera of Socal Prettyboy vs. Jesus Dude was just heating up, with Prettyboy Matt Leinart complaining about having to share QB time, and then he's out indefinitely. Like they haven't even said how many weeks, just indefinitely. You know Warner's into some voodoo Jesus shit and made that happen. How the fuck else does an Arena League loser win NFL MVP, then suck his way out of that job, but still be poking around five years later? Seeing the Cardinals succeed is hilarious too because it shocks them more than anybody. In fact, I would guess most of the country could give half a shit about the Cardinals, but they get all stoked up like, "OH SHIT! Beating the Steelers at home was like our Super Bowl!" And then, "Oh shit, then we barely beat a team that hasn't won a game yet this year on the road. We are SOOO awesome this year, and SOOO totally not the Arizona Cardinals of every other year ever since like 1928." And since the NFC West is so weak, they might even win a playoff berth, which would be the greatest because for that first week we'd get 7000 BIRTH OF A NEW ERA IN ARIZONA stories, and then they'll lose like 43 to 10 to a wild card team at home.
#3: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-3; #18 overall) - What the fuck is a Brodie Croyle? I think that dude was captain on the debate team in high school. Or wait, Damon Huard was the captain on the debate team and Brodie Croyle was the redneck dude who drove the extra-uplifted Silverado with like 19 No Fear stickers all over the back window. Remember when Larry Johnson was just breaking through the Priest Holmes legacy and doing Roc-a-Fella hand symbol (all credit to Diamond Dallas Page) after touchdowns? Yeah, me neither barely. I bet Larry Johnson thinks about those days constantly, wishing for Dick Vermeil to be back saying he needed diapers. Maybe I'm forgetful, but I don't think there's ever been an actual great player from Penn State in my lifetime of watching the NFL, just overrated dumbasses who end up being nothing more than minor memories for hardcore fans from their team's shitty years. Like, in ten years when the Chiefs are wherever they are at that point, people will look back to this Herm Edwards stint of interchangeable indistinguishable QBs and crappy defense and go, "Man, Larry Johnson was alright though. If only we could've ran him more."
#4: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (2-3; #19 overall) - The Chargers beat the Broncos so now they are back! Yeah, whatever. I'm sure we'll get more sideline shots of Norv Turner's pizza cheeks held in solid worry mode, and hopefully a few more suicide watch press conferences from L.T. as well. Of the eight teams in these West divisions, the Chargers are still probably the best when it comes to potential, but with two new coordinators and an uninspiring shiftless head coach, I doubt we've seen the full embarrassing decimation of Super Bowl aspirations just yet. In fact, it has always been Norv Turner's modus operandi to continue to give hope and give hope, but just barely, but still giving it, and then it all ends, kinda like hanging yourself with a rope just long enough for your toes to touch the floor, so instead of just dying, you dangle and tapdance your way slowly towards the end for far longer than you'd like in the end. You'd rather just go ahead and die as opposed to being tortured by false flashes of promise then crushing realizations of season over, far below initial expectations.
#5: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-3; #23 overall) - With Trent Dilfer at the on-field helm now, the 49ers are built a lot like the Ravens Super Bowl winning team on offense - one that will scrape together around 10 points a game and not do a whole lot of anything, but won't turn the ball over. The only problem is the 49ers' defense sucks, losing a couple key dudes, and that Nate Clements motherfucker who got like 30 billion dollars to play there, well, he's one dude, and one that hardly anybody had heard of before he got 30 billion dollars unexplainedly. I kind of like shit like the 49ers though, because you have people who like the high-powered offensive shit, and then old schoolers who want smashmouth football, but slow plodding boring teams like the 49ers don't really satisfy either of those people, which is why I find it funny. I wish I could get a tape of that 49ers/Ravens game, because I'm sure it's a masterpiece. I'd like to watch that shit in one of those NFL network every play of the game but with all the middle shit chopped out ways, and with DJ Screw playing over top the audio.
#6: OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-2; #27 overall) - The Raiders have shown glimmers of hope to be honest. This game this weekend should be interesting, not only because it's standard Chargers vs. Raiders nonsense, where people tend to get stabbed or pissed on in the parking lot during pre-game drunken beatdowns, but because you have a team that was supposed to be awesome that kinda has sucked so far this year hosting a team that was supposed to be the worst shit ever that's squeaked out a couple wins already. I mean the Raiders may be the first team in the Super Bowl era who had a first pick in the first round of the draft that they hadn't sorta lined up a deal for them to play beforehand. Who the fuck has their #1 pick of the entire draft hold out? And beyond that, they're pretty much a hodgepodge of a team, but somehow, they've pulled together a couple of victories. Then again, there's so many sub-par teams in the NFL right now, it's ridiculous. Even with all that AFC is dominant over the NFC talking point you hear everywhere, if you took away the Patriots and Colts, then maybe the Steelers and maybe the Cowboys, the NFL is just one giant sludgefest of mediocrity right now.
#7: DENVER BRONCOS (2-3; #28 overall) - Watching the Broncos suck gives me great joy. I hope all their offensive linemen get ACLs torn doing chop blocks, and though I'm sad for Travis Henry's 16 children that he can't play the game of the egg because of substance problems, whatever distress the Broncos can have is good by me, regardless of how many children are hurt in the process. And why does Mike Shanahan look like a fucking wax sculpture sitting outside on a hot day all the time?
#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-5; #31 overall) - I played dork fantastical football this year, and it did auto-draft for me since I wasn't paying attention, and my #1 pick (and #2 overall in the league) was Steven Jackson. That turned out good. Now, they don't have an offensive line anymore, benched their good QB for his own good to play Gus Frerotte (who played for my Redskins back on their '83 Super Bowl team), and just sort of do whatever to get through the season. I don't have the schedules in front of me, but I really hope both them and the Saints suck real bad but play each other in week 13 or so, but The Superdome caves in because Bush hates black people still, so they end up playing the game in Houston's stadium, and there's like 3000 people there to watch two 0-12 teams play. I love those games between two hopelessly shitty teams. It makes me feel better about my hopelessly shitty life.
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