dudes I might maybe vote for

I had sort of half-assed plan to try and get on the ballot in the state of Virginia for President in 2008 since I'll be 35 by then, because I figure it would be hilarious to have "finished 11th in 2008 Presidential General Election" since not too many wackos actually get on the ballot in a state and it'd be pretty easy to finish in the top 12 or so. Except I don't actually have a resume because I'm a fucking housepainter. Also, getting on the ballot in Virginia requires getting a lot of signatures from chump asses, and also some money I don't have. I didn't really care about the rest of the country, just my home state, having a stoner-brained idea of how wacky it'd be if like fifty fuckers all got on the ballot only in their home state, just to generally disrupt things, except out of those fifty fuckers, at least forty-five of them would be stupid fucks or Jello Biafra or Tela Tequila or some shit. So it wouldn't really be worth any of the trouble. But I figured since we're gonna be bombarded with this shit for a long time, the first Monday or so of every month up until the election next year, I'd lay out my top seven candidates I'm most likely to vote for. Understand that I only vote for people actually on the ballot in my state, because I'm not trying to even ask that old lady who checks my name off the big computer printout from 1987 about doing a write-in vote, and they'll probably just throw that shit away anyhows. I remember before all this "anybody but bush" bullshit, we had like six dudes on the ballot for President one year in Virginia. Now, they got motherfuckers brainwashed back into that Democrat or Republican shit where if you vote for anyone else, you're actually voting for your worse enemy, which is the stupidest logic ever. Anyways, here you go with the first one of these with a WHOLE FUCKING YEAR TO GO...

#1: LANAKILA WASHINGTON (Humanistic Party candidate) - At this point in the Presidential Election cycle, everything's a giant cloud of wannabe contenders and oddball outsiders. So in my searching for candidates that best represent my desires in life, it's a real shot in the dark at this point. But I wouldn't have expected a Nation of Islam looking cat from the Bronx to be the initial frontrunner for my heart. But Lanakila Washington is. His name, given to him by Hawaiians, means to be victorious. He aims to create a more creative hippie-ish society, but in a kooky pseudo-scientific and partially militant way. Basically, it's like I would be voting for myself. I may actually volunteer to try and get this dude on the ballot in Virginia, so long as volunteering doesn't mean I have to do a whole bunch of shit I don't feel like doing.

#2: DOUG MACDUFF (Thermodynamic Law Party candidate) - This is obviously some Discordianism or Church of the Sub-genius type bullshit, but still, I'm a sucker for crap like that. Not so much the Sub-genius shit, but I could kick it with some Malaclypse the Younger all day long. Some of MacDuff's tenets make a lot of sense to me though, like reinstating the Kingdom of Hawa'ii. And plus, Kelvinian Meditation has been scientifically validated, according to their website, which is more than the Bush administration ever double checked things.

#3: RON PAUL (Republican Party candidate) - I will only allow one actual candidate from the Republicrat or Demohican parties on each list, because fuck this just being a list of the same fuckers you hear about all the time anyways. None of those fuckers care about people like you and me. But if I had to pick one of them to vote for, at this point it would be Ron Paul. You know why? Well, I'm glad you asked. Two reasons - first of all, he's all retarded against his own party because they've lost their way. Dudes like that remind me of Billy Jack or old Joe Don Baker movies, so I support them. Second reason is in this past year's 4th of July Parade in Scottsville, he had a pick-up truck in the parade in support of his candidacy, and basically all it was was some posters and a bunch of kids with goats. A bunch of kids riding around in a pick-up truck with goats is far more important to me than fucking illegal Mexicans or abortion or any of that type of shit. I guess that would be a textbook example of "plays good in the sticks" though. I'm cool with that. I ain't ashamed to be a simple-assed bastard. In fact, after the parade I looked up Ron Paul and was sorta disappointed to see he was an actual member of the Congresses already.

#4: GENE AMONDSON (Prohibition Party candidate) - The Prohibition Party's basic belief is if you get rid of alcohol, then America will be awesome again. I am currently in a non-drinking mode (I switch back and forth depending on how self-destructive I've been lately), so I can get behind this. Gene Amondson's preacher gimmick basically is performing a speech done during the actual Prohibition era by some preacher named Billy Sunday. Sunday's speech was so moving that bars would shut down in towns the day after he spoke, and the liquor industry offered to pay him a million bucks to have him shut the fuck up back then, which in today's dollars is like A-Rod money, and Billy Sunday turned it down to try and save people from the crime, despair, and hopelessness that alcohol leads to. To his credit, Amondson is a respectable kook in his own right, most notably protesting beer sales outside Anheuser-Busch headquarters in St. Louis while wearing a Grim Reaper outfit. That alone would get my vote if he got on the Virginia ballot. And if I remember correctly (I usually try to keep up with what 3rd party candidates get on the actual ballot in different states), the Prohibition Party does get on the ballot in two or three states each Presidential Election, especially Colorado.

#5: WAYNE ALLYN ROOT (Libertarian Party candidate) - I have probably identified more with the Libertarian Party than most others, but so have child molesting urban hipster fedora wearers who know a lot about Japanese pop culture, so I try not to claim that up so much anymore. Plus, those random older dudes who sit outside the stupid rip-off health food store trying to get you to sign every fucking Libertarian petition ever, those dudes are fucking annoying as fuck. Nonetheless, what man could better lead this country into better times than a dude born a broke ass who gambled his way to prosperity. Seriously, I used to make illegal photocopies of Root's bookie sheets for a sleazy redneck salesman wrapped up with some sort of Richmond's notorious Oregon Hill's resident Dixie Mafia-esque crew, complete with secret entrances and floor safes and shit. The sleazy salesman dude would always slip me an extra fifty bucks for doing so, which was nice, because I had a newborn baby, and when you have a newborn baby everything seems fucking trifling and you'd like to rob the world of every dollar it had to give to your newborn baby, so innocent and pure and so deserving of other people's hardly-earned wealth. I wonder where Root stands on punishing crime? And also it'd be awesome if he got elected because he could talk about the issues at hand and give over/unders for how he thinks Congress was gonna vote on shit. Watching CSPAN would be like watching harness races at the off-track betting parlor.

#6: BARACK OBAMA (Democratic Party candidate) - The only reason I choose Barack over the other mediocre field of born second fiddles is because I think it'd be great if one of the dudes who dated Lisa Bonet on the Cosby Show became President. Remember when Barack, Cliff, Cliff's three father-in-laws, his dad, and two of their old man friends from Ghana broke that really nice vase playing cricket in the living room? Man, Claire was pissed on that shit wasn't she?

#7: FRANK MOORE (Just Makes Sense Party candidate) - Mr. Moore is just another stupid assed self-described "performance artist" from the secluded "open-minded" stomping grounds of a college locale (Berkeley in his case) who wants you to write his name in as some sort of ego-stroke for himself. Of course, he's all about welfare and health care for all but with less taxes. But I needed a seventh dude for this first list, so he's the one, because I bet he drives some sort of art car, and I just watched a documentary on those types of cars, and wanted a reason to mention The Button King, who is who I want to be when I'm old and senile and crazy.