#1: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-4, #15 overall) - I have a new NFL hero in Jared Allen, the QB-sacking flicktard who has helped fire up the Chiefs defense with his high-powered goofy awesomeness. He had to serve a substance abuse violation suspension early in the season, and that's when the Chiefs straight up sucked (Larry Johnson was out, too), but then when he got back, all of a sudden they were stifling motherfuckers (up until last week against the Packers). Allen rocks a mullet haircut, and in an interview he kicked it like this (paraphrasing, because I ain't looking it up, but I read it in the newspaper the other day, and everything in the newspaper is absolutely true) - "Look up here (pointing at his forehead), this says 'success'. But look back here (pointing at his mullet), this says 'party'. Which one are you gonna get? You don't know." And this was his explanation as to why he's leading the NFL in sacks right now.
#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (4-4, #19 overall) - Again, allow me to reiterate how mediocre mentality gets deeply entrenched into a Norv Turner team. This is why the Chargers look like they could beat the All-Time All-Madden team one week, and then lucky to score a touchdown the next week. Wild fluctuations and lack of living up to potential, that is their destiny for the foreseeable future. I love how people were hyping them up as the 3rd best team in the NFL at 4-3, and then they let that Adrian Peterson kid run for like 1000 yards in one game. Dude earned his rookie incentive bonuses already because of that game.
#3: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (4-4, #21 overall) - What the fuck is up with Shaun Alexander sucking? And why do I always think Mike Holmgren is just Andy Reid with hair and walrus DNA injected into his ass? Also, I recently made mashed potatoes with sweet yams, and my kids asked what it was called, and I said it was lofa tatupu.
#4: ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-5, #24 overall) - You know what? I already could give a shit less about the Cardinals, but when you make their star player stupid born again grocery bagger Kurt Warner, then I will care even less. I had a Jesus dude stop by my house today, as my kids were playing in the back yard. They came running into the house, "Daddy, someone's here." I figured it was the stupid old dude who holds my mortgage coming to bug me because I hadn't paid my mortgage this month yet, acting like I'm his kid or some shit and bugging me with his old ass tales of insurance payments and the wife having asthmatic pneumonia. But no, it was Jesus people. Dude goes, "We're just stopping by everybody's house asking about their relationship with God," or he said Bible or Jesus or some shit. I cut him off, "We're content in our spirituality," which unfortunately intrigued him since he said everybody else was indifferent, so he asked me about us and the bible and I explained we weren't Christians but definitely spiritual and started talking about how many different texts we use for morality and we understand there are unexplainable bullshits and all, and I started talking about some of the Zulu Nation's 7 Infinity Lessons, and the dude was genuinely intrigued just to discuss religion. I think he was shocked anybody gave a fuck about religion. I cut him off and had to roll though because I knew our discussion wasn't gonna lead to drinking together by the river in a fun way, and he didn't look like he had any good kook pamphlets in his hand, so I was done. I had half a fried egg sandwich left in the kitchen to eat.
#5: DENVER BRONCOS (3-5, #25 overall) - One day, the Broncos team plane will actually crash into the Rockies and I'll feel bad for having wished it and even made little Pedro Serrano-esque curios for that effect, but until then, I will wish daily during football season that the Denver Broncos' team plane wreck into some mountains, hopefully with John Elway on board. But not Bill Romanowski. That dude is awesome and really, if my mentality ran the entire world, he'd be a well-paid motivational speaker for corporate events.
#6: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-6, #28 overall) - Sometimes, without cable, I will be watching bad sitcoms like Girlfriends or some shit really late at night, and one of those commercials where some hot slut talks about how she's staying in to talk to people on the phone because she's a slut comes on. Instead of wanting to call one of those phone numbers, I usually google image search something like "hirsute big naturals" or "40 inch ass white bitches" or something awesome like that, and masturbate the fuck out my dick. It amazes me that somebody would actually spend money for phone sexiness nowadays. I guess there's still tons of fucking losers in this world.
#7: OAKLAND RAIDERS (2-6, #29 overall) - The fact Sebastian Janikowski is still kicking for the Raiders makes me hate illegal immigrants. Also all the degenerate transplanted Mexicans who have married beautiful white women and made little mixed babies to further corrupt our pure American society. Even taking government jobs from hard-working multi-generation Americans. I mean, the blacks are okay, because they built this country more than anybody. But the Mexicans? Fuck them. Used to be when they cut the grass on the side of the road here, it was some American people for VDOT who had an agreement they parked their tractors in our side field and would bush-hog it for me as well. It was a neighborly agreement. Now, they hire contractors, and the stupid Mexicans who work for every sub-contractor in America now chopped our giant yucca plant at the edge of the front yard down, which was surrounded by blackberry bushes that had grown wild. We got like two gallons of blackberries off them motherfuckers this year. No more blackberry pie for my children, because of the stupid Mexicans. I thought those motherfuckers ate yucca plants anyways... why would they cut my shit down. I put up a plywood sign though that says "NON! PINCHE PENDEJO MEXICANO PUTOS!" but with those awesome upside down exclamation points at the beginning as well because the Mexican language has retarded punctuation.
#8: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-8, #30 overall) - Steven Jackson is back from his compressed vertebrates, behind a patchwork offensive line, to probably get paralyzed. He was the first dude my fantasy team auto-drafted since I don't care enough to sit around online picking people and shit like it's something important. He was on some sort of no-cut list, and I never could figure out why I was gonna be stuck with that fucker until after I benched him a week and he came off the no-cut list, when I dumped him immediately. Fantasy football is some retarded ass shit, and the fact there's like 3000 TV shows and radio programs with experts answering questions like, "Okay, I have Kevin Jones, Brandon Jacobs, Marion Barber, and Cedric Benson. Which two should I start?" Who the fuck cares enough to sit around and wait on a phone to ask somebody some stupid throw-a-dart-at-the-wall bullshit like that. And who the fuck is so convoluted and pretentious as to consider themselves an expert at bullshit like that? Fucking secret homos.
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