Anyways, the other night, completely out of the blue, I had this weird ass dream where it was like fifteen years from now and I was commissioner of the NFL, and what I had done - all this was laid out in the newspaper I was reading as I sat in the luxury box at whatever the fuck Redskins stadium is called - was expand the league by 8 teams, but they were in two levels like Eurofag soccer bullshit, with 20 teams in level A and level B, and the best 8 teams in both levels made the playoffs, but the 8 in level B play the first round of the playoffs, and the four teams that win get moved up to level A the following season, but then have to play four of the other teams, then those teams play the four who got byes, and blah blah blah... you can figure out the rest of the playoffs. Anyways, there were also four regional leagues of 10 teams each for players from the age of 18 to 25, which had contracts with the major 40 teams for player development. My son (I don't have a son, but an undetermined sex baby coming in January) was a young promising retard special teamers linebacker crazy type on the team from Roanoke. Anyways, I was in the owner's box for a Redskins game, who were in the level B playoffs round trying to earn their way back into level A after what I figured was another 15 years of shittiness continuing on from today, and I was sitting there as the commissioner with Dan Snyder and some other stupid fuckers, some of whom were my assistants or whatever. And the Redskins QB was Michael Vick, like 45 years old and shit, and still trying to do his scramble shit, so they were losing like seven yards every play. And Snyder would be like, "Fuck, they were offsides! Why won't those guys block for Mike? What the fuck!" And Vinny Cerrato was there beside him like a little dog sidekick with a high-pitched voice going, "Yeah boss, why ain't they call that offsides on the defense? They ain't blocking right either, is they boss? You should get some blocking dudes next year boss, that's all you need boss and you'll be the king..." on and on. The Redskins were playing that Orlando team that was on that Coach sitcom, and getting crushed. Dobber was the coach now, and Jon Gruden was his offensive coordinator. Anyways, the Skins are getting crushed, and Snyder and Cerrato and me and my two assistants are the only ones sitting in the box, and they're driving me crazy and pissing me off on top, so I look into my jacket and there's the sickle. So I just stab the shit out of Snyder like 38 times in 12 seconds. Cerrato looks at me worried, then scurries off towards the big wooden exit doors so I fling my sickle like a ninja star and nail him in the back of the head. Just as he hits the floor, the door opens up and John Riggins comes in, and goes in his redneck ass voice, "Gnarly dude." And I guess I'm kinda freaking out when he looks at me, and he comes over and puts his hand on my shoulder and says, "My dad's a CIA agent. He's got an awesome set of tools. I can fix it." And we sit down and he reaches into a cooler under the table and pulls out two Old Milwaukees, handing me one. My assistants are standing there shocked, and as we pop the tops on our beers, Riggins says, "You know, we're probably gonna have to kill these two faggots too," and then we laugh and watch the last few minutes of the Orlando Breakers blowing out the stupid level B Washington Redskins.
Anyways, here's the teams of the northern divisions of the game of the egg professional American league...
#1: GREEN BAY PACKERS (9-1, #5 overall) - You know who's not even remotely fucking funny? That fat stupid Frank Caliendo fuckface. Haha, he does a funny Madden and says "Favre" a lot. That dude has his own TV show now, which is ridiculous to me. It's like the Mexican kid I used to work with who made us all laugh at lunch one day getting his own TV show because of that shit. And actually Chino would be a good show because they could show rap videos and then Chino would yell, "PINCHE CHANGOS!" and then talk about how awesome the goat futbol team is. On the serious tip though, I have convinced myself the Packers vs. the Patriots will be the only worthwhile Super Bowl, and Favre can have his last hurrah as Brady puts him over on the grandest stage, and Favre will go off into the sunset and be an ambassador for catfishing the rest of his life. I bought some chicken livers today to put in the turkey stuffing and every time I buy chicken livers, I think back to high school when me and my boy Chuck would take acid and go catfishing all weekend long. That was good times. Simpler times, where all you had to do was borrow five dollars for gas money from the stupid bitch you were dating so you could make it home, driving drunker than fuck, to sleep in the second bedroom in your dad's trailer, which was where you stashed your weed anyways. And you were probably gonna have to pinch off a quarter bag anyways to sell to some young ass prep faggots so you could have some MGD and Absolut Citron money for the next week or two. Good times man. Brett Favre seems like he knows a thing or two about all that, which is why I can't hate him even now, because that goofy grin he has is not because he's in love with the game of football linebacker mentality love of the game greatest ever or anything, but because I'm sure he thinks pretty regularly, "Whoa... awesome, I'm fucking rich, and I ain't had to really do shit, ever."
#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (7-3, #10 overall) - I like how the Steelers one week will look like the only team as good as the Patriots, and then the next week they'll lose to some shitbag collection of scab players like the Jets. Roethlisberger is like a more extreme Neil O'Donnell, taking them to higher highs (a Super Bowl trophy) but able to drop more depressing low marks, although with far less completions to the wrong team, to his credit. Two dudes I used to roll with and live together with and shit during some very creatively-formative self-abusive years were both Steelers fans, so I kinda took them in as my favorite non-Redskins team. I wish they'd rock the throwback helmets I've been using in these write-ups though. That shit would be tight with their road white jerseys, and then they could rock the black jams at home in the black jerseys. I don't like how the NFL is only concerned about merchandising all the time. Like teams will have seven different alternate jerseys in five different colors, but where the same gay-assed helmet every week, all because people don't buy helmets.
#3: DETROIT LIONS (6-4, #11 overall) - Shit man, Thanksgiving games, ever since Barry Sanders retired, have sucked because it's gonna be a shitty Lions game followed by being forced to watch the shitty Cowboys and senselessly root against them to no avail yet again. This year though, the Lions/Packers game might be fun, and actually has playoff implications. The early game's the only one I really catch though, in glimpses as we cook up some shit in the kitchen. By the time the late game comes on, we're playing records half-drunk with everybody arguing over gravy recipes and shit. Gravy is some stupid shit. I like just filling a coffee cup with turkey grease from the big pan and put a spoon in that bitch and serve up some turkey grease coating for whatever I think might need some liquidous assitance into my fucking gluttonous intestines.
#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (6-4, #13 overall) - Wait. Wasn't Romeo Crennel a defensive coordinator under Belichick or do I have that shit backwards? Because the Browns are nothing but offense. It's good to see The Soldier Kellen Winslow Jr. is finally having an impact in the NFL, too. Cleveland seems like a shitbag place where all the small-town superstar dirtbags from across the top and eastern half of Ohio congregate towards to try parlay their life into being a small dirtbag in a big cesspool that I just can't get behind Cleveland actually being a successful football team. They seem like the background to about 7000 Charles Bukowski-wannabe short stories rather than the building blocks for a great contending football team. I actually heard some dude on the radio say the other day that he thought the Browns would be playing for conference championships in 2008. Hopefully, that's not as stupid as it sounded to me, because some Belichick/Crennel coaching family drama might actually be fun to watch.
#5: CHICAGO BEARS (4-6, #16 overall) - What kind of piece of shit Kyle Orton must be to not be included in the Bears' scrap heap quarterback rotation. The Bears building of a powerful offensive line blocking for shitty quarterbacks, an underachieving running back, and a receiving corps led by a second-rate Keyshawn and a fourth-rate Willie Gault, seems kinda backwards and shit. Still, as shitty and hodgepodge as they are, they're almost at .500 in today's NFL. I know the goal is parity and all, but fuck, all this shitty football is gonna start to wear thin after a while, and make the NFL as boring and useless as the NBA. I mean, seriously, if you took the Patriots away from the league, would there be any teams really worth being all like "Oh shit, that's the motherfuckin' team right there!" Then again, we've also had weird uneventful Super Bowls like Tampa Bay vs. Oakland and Baltimore vs. the Giants in the past decade. Call me old school, but I kinda like the idea of teams building up levels, becoming a playoff team, then a contender, then championship material. Not this 14-2 one year, 6-10 the next, or every team actually having a chance amidst the overall clusterfuck of competition through free agency. I think salary cap should be suspended for players you draft, and the draft should go back to 12 rounds. That way when your player wants to test free agency, if you want to, you can overpay him more than any other stupid team without it affecting your salary cap. I mean, fuck, you drafted him, he's yours. Players have too many rights nowadays. They should be slaves, beaten into each other for millions of dollars that they waste on shiny things until they are concussed into uselessness, all for our entertainment.
#6: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4-6, #21 overall) - Adrian Peterson, super destroyer of the NFL at a rookie's age, has his knee tweaked out in a way usually putting people on the shelf for like six weeks, but insurance salesman Brad Childress keeps acting like it's week-to-week, him being the same guy who had tried to not pay a wide receiver because he went home to his mom's funeral or some shit like that. Brad Childress is awesome. I hope he forces Peterson back in too early and like his leg snaps in half and in the post-game press conference when the shocked and awed reporters are all like, "Do you think it was bringing him back to early that ruined his career?" asking their stupid reporter shit to try and coax the obvious answers out, but Childress just shrugs and is like, "Fuck it, we still got Chester Taylor. That Peterson kid was kind of a punk bitch anyways. Did you ever see the car he bought?" and then he does that Fred Sanford hand gesture for people of questionable sexual orientation. Well, I guess it's not so much questionable as not the answer you feel most comfortable with.
#7: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-8, #25 overall) - At the beginning of the season, there was some contest to help design an end zone celebration for Ocho Cinco, who has ended up playing like it was him and not Vince Young on the cover of Madden '08. T.J. Houshmanzadeh has done pretty well though, having scored a touchdown in every game up until recently. The Bengals should start marketing him instead of Johnson, doing bad stereotype publicity photos of Houshmanzadeh riding elephants around in some Johnny Quest's homeboy headgear. Chad Johnson, when he rocked the blonde mohawk and gameday gold teeth, was pretty much an evil gang member from a Jackie Chan movie, so fuck, they might as well do it with T.J. too. They could make their team marketing campaign Hot Latina Sluts Suck Raven's Dick Daily and I'd still hate them for one major reason - Cris Collinsworth. First off, I guess if his parents had him spelling his very-regular name in such a douchebag way as a kid, I probably can't blame him entirely for ending up such a pretentious shithead. Still though, this motherfucker is on the football TVs FUCKING CONSTANTLY, all smiling like a Republican Congressional candidate, and making his whitebread wisecracks, and basically ruining all halftime reports, pre-game shows, and post-game wrap-ups he takes part in. And see, that's the problem right there - I'm all hahaha at some Hindi dude on an elephant or an ignorant ass black dude with a gold mohawk, but the real threat to my peace of mind is the seemingly normal yet asshole-by-nature white guy, sitting right there all along.
#8: BALTIMORE RAVENS (4-6, #26 overall) - The Ravens have really crumbled nicely this year, playing far below what their record would lead you to believe. Shit, they lost on phantom recalled field goals last weekend. I think the fitting end to this season for them would be for Ray Lewis's friends to stab Brian Billick to death in a Baltimore gay bar, then Bunk Moreland deems it self-defense since him and Ray Lewis used to go to the harness races together. I'm not sure if they have harness racing tracks in Maryland or not, but outside of National Bohemian beer, Maryland has always seemed to me like the biggest piece of shit state ever, full of all the homo shit that the forty-five mile long truck stop that is Delaware won't allow, so I kinda figure they must have harness racing there. What kind of failed human being do you have to be to end up being a professional harness racer, sitting in one of those low rider chariots getting dragged around competitively by fucking horses for a living?
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