NOVEMBER EXPERT WHITEBOY ANALYSIS TOP 25 THINGS SORT OF RELATED TO HIP HOP IN SOME ROUNDABOUT WAY I GUESS
(the list is no way any power order nor is this the penultimate list, and in fact we have an EWA monthly Top 100 available by subscription - $5 monthly or $50 yearly by paypal to clubhousebeerfund@dumpin.net - that this is simply a sampler from)
WHO WE ARE:
RM: Raven Mack. Yeah, this EWA 25 is dedicated to all the teachers that told me I’d never amount to nothin', to all the people that worked beside the cubicles that I was bloggin' inside of that called the supervisor on me when I was just tryin’ to make some blogposts to feed my ego. And all the nerdz in the download struggle, you know what I’m sayin’?
MD: Hello, I'm Mike Dikk. This month I am providing you with abbreviated blurbs because I have taken an extended lunch break from life so I don't have time to pull a Mutt & Jeff (that is like a white Step And Fetchit) routine for a couple shut-ins on the internet. I'm sure you'll be ecstatic, because it's not like anyone likes reading anyway.
JD: Nothing is worse than being sick. Last night at about 1 am when I was taking our dog out, I vomited my dinner all over my wife's garden. Raking up upchucked chicken and ribs is mad gross y'all.
KM: Mexican wedding dances fucking rule. I just wish I could've found someone to dance with during the duranguense songs - everyone I knew there refused because that shit's "too Mexico" for the crowd. So I had to sit and watch four couples (one of them danced as if they were having a seizure) go to town. The rest of the time, I was dancing my ass off and having a blast. Oh, and I would like to camp out at an abortion clinic after this month. That shit sounds like fun now. You will agree by the end of this month's EWA!
BWT: I was at the bar last night with my friend, his girlfriend, and her friend who's claim to fame is fucking that Gervase dude from Survivor, and Jeremiah Trotter. Trotter's way of letting her know when he wanted some was to send her an email (in all caps and broken english) asking her if she wanted to go bowling. She also has some STD so there's a good chance Gervase gave Trotter herpes.
1. JAY-Z's 'AMERICAN GANGSTER' CDJD: I DLed this shit a few days ago, and had that dumb folder staring at me for a few days. I then was internet shopping (wink, wink STEALING) and saw another rip of American Gangster with some tracks that weren't in the original leak. Again, I wanted to replace my waste of hard drive with more of a waste of my hard drive, but then I had to DL some fucking password and wait on rapidshare, so I deleted it.
I really don't care what the fuck Jay-Z has to do with an album that is based off a movie I hear isn't even that good. I have become a hateful bastard here, but I think I just set BWT up to say how much he dug it, so mission accomplished. Bye.
BWT: If I had told you - I dunno, lets say a year ago - that Jay-Z was inspired to make an album after watching a movie with Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe, you would have said it would be among the worst ideas you've ever heard. If I had told you - I dunno lets say a year ago - that Jay-Z would make this album based on a Denzel/Russel Crowe movie with P. Diddy and Jermaine Dupri doing 3/4ths of the album's production, you would not only not want to listen to it, you would wonder if the Jiggaman had lost his mind. I can understand why most people wont give American Gangster a listen, especially after Kingdom Come. But you have to follow the Jay-Z trend of every other album being good. I know Jay isn't everyone's dude for any number of reasons, and to be honest it was hard for me to even give him another shot after that video with Budweiser Select bottles and NASCAR drivers all over the place. And that song where he rapped about having good credit. And that song about Katrina where Jay rapped about how hard it was for him as a rich dude to decide how much of his portfolio he wanted to donate to the cause. And that Linkin Park album. And the "Umbrella" song. And pretty much everything he's done since "retirement", not counting some hot verses he's done and squashing the beef with Nas. So forget about all of that. Other than the two Neptunes tracks, this album is great. Not only does it have the best beats on a Jay album since The Blueprint, but Jay brought his A-plus game to prove to all the doubters he was done.
"I got watches I ain't seen in months/ Apartment at the Trump I only slept in once"
The standout track is the second Jay/Nas collaboration and it defecates all over "Black Republican", and I loved that song. It's just that good. Nas has an interesting line that reads like a jab at Jay on his own track - "worst enemies wanna be my best friends/ best friends wanna be enemies like thats whats in". Jay is the ultimate trend guy. Hopping on whoever the hot producer of the day is, working with whatever rapper is in. In this case, he's got on the Lil Wayne bandwagon despite Weezy taking some not so subtle shots at Jay over the years and much like Wayne's other recent features, it's not that good. Why should Lil Wayne be rapping about Brooklyn?
In an updated version of "Ignorant Shit" Jay raps "Scarface the movie did more to me than Scarface the rapper to me" and in "No Hook" he says, "Please don't compare me to other rappers compare me to trappers/I'm more Frank Lucas than Ludacris and I ain't tryin to dis". These are two of the realest things Jay has ever said. Jay is the ultimate businessman, not the ultimate rapper, and it seems even he has come to grips with this fact. And I ain't tryin' to dis 'cause Scarface the movie was one hell of a movie and American Gangster is one hell of an album.
KM: My heart is telling me the last five years of Jay-Z has been deliberately mediocre in preparation for this album. I don't know if this has tainted my response, but when I listen to American Gangster, I like it. It's the kind of album I wish he'd dropped instead of that chancleta bullshit last year or Blueprint 2. Someone got in his ear and found some better beats, and with the exception of "I Know" this is pretty solid.
2. NAS PROMISES 'NIGGER' CDRM: My favorite thing about this is how it was gonna be called Nigga, but then there was big media backlash, so Nas changed it to Nigger. Really, there's tons of white dudes who say "nigga" like it's no thing today. I kinda grew up in an environment where my ass was crazy outnumbered and would've gotten mad mudholed up if I pulled that, so I'm always afraid big scary black kids from my youth will pop out from behind closet doors to pummel me if I say that shit. But really, the "nigger" word is the real insult. I mean, I have been trained to feel uneasy just typing that shit. So I think instead of people saying "the N-word" anymore, we should start clarifying by saying "the -ER word". Because clever-feeling white kids and t-shirt makers already try to circumvent shit by saying "ninja please" or "strictly for my ninjas" and shit, but I ain't never heard of no one saying "ninjer". Although I might from now on, and risk those damn broke ass black bullies from my memories jumping out the closet in the hallway and making a youtube video of my beatdown.
BWT: Since coming over to Def Jam, Nas has really figured out how to get the MTV News headline types talk about his album and that's all in the title. How many times did you see the whole "hip hop is dead" discussion online before Nas made his album? The -ER word has always been a big buzz topic so I only see this as a good thing if it gets people who wouldn't normally listen to a Nas album into hearing him. I would like it if Nas does a song about raps all time greatest niggas and then does a series of coastal remixes like he did with "Where Are They Now?" featuring the likes of Silkk The Shocker, C-Murder and Mystikal on the New Orleans remix.
3. T.I. + GUNS = PRISONRM: So as one of the few platinum rappers left in a depleted music industry, it makes perfect sense to try and buy a couple of machine guns with silencers, except T.I. had his bodyguard do it and failed to have a ridiculously ignorantly loyal bodyguard at that. The feds caught bodyguard in sting buying the machine guns and bodyguard quickly turned around to turn them over to T.I. rather than take the fall. Now T.I. is fucked, but luckily he finally got out on bond so he can record seven albums real quick to hopefully spread out over his reduced sentence to keep him as relevant as a gradually irrelevant rapper can be.
So throw T.I. into the same camp as Michael Vick as incredibly rich products of the ghetto who somehow lose track of the notion that you aim to pull yourself out of bad situations, not use your newfound riches to ratchet up your gulliness. I'm pretty liberal when it comes to my lack of respect for laws of man, but shit man, machine guns with silencers is something I'd like to be left to creepy broken English hitmen like that dude in Cocaine Cowboys, not TRL-friendly rappers.
And then you have the story of Prodigy getting 3-and-a-half years for gun charges, and him encouraging the hip hop police legend by saying they were gonna drop charges on him if he'd help them plant illegal weapons on 50 Cent. I don't know how much of that buy if he copped down from five years to 3-and-a-half, I would expect one of the conditions would be to not run around and say there's a conspiracy against hip hop and shit. However, as jaded and cynical as I've become, it would be perfect if shitty robot rappers were pop culture's most revolutionary force and the shitty government was tracking them with inept police forces. Sometimes I think the only reason we, as Americans, are the major super power left on earth is because the whole world is retarded. Or maybe all my news sources are filtered and fixed and meant to brainwash me. Shit, I probably didn't even think this out the way I wrote it but they made me think it differently.
MD: I had originally written a lot of "Evening at the Improv" style one-liners about this a few days ago, but I had to delete them because company was coming over and I knew I wouldn't finish it. I figured I'd remember all of them when I had to rewrite it, but I don't. I do know paying a 3 million dollar bail is ridiculous. I don't even understand how one acquires a 3 million dollar bail. I guess America does not fuck around when it comes to illegal gun sales. Let that be a lesson to you, kids.
4. HIP HOP HONORSJD: These things have continued to be more and more painful because after the first two shows, are there really any more people that need to be "honored"? This year they honored New Jack Swing music. Where was I when this shit was an actual facet of hip hop? Sure, "Rump Shaker" was a big hit, but that was more because of the dope beat than anything else.
I think the two big things that stuck out from this years show was first, T-Pain. How this dude released a whole album blows my mind. When he had to actually sing without his voice being ran through 16 different machines, it sucked. VH1 even caught on and lowered his mic so low his vocals couldn't even be heard. Second, the condition of Phife from ATCQ. Not to sound too morbid, but he looks a lot like Dilla did right before he died. The lines about being the "funky diabetic" were true as it seems that he is really suffering from the diabetes. Which is sad. I wonder if Phife has enough money to pay the doctor bills off of his ATCQ career? I bet the whole group got screwed hard in the mid-to-late '90s, signing their first deal when the group was 18-19 years old.
Oh, finally HEY LUPE FIASCO I KNOW THE LYRICS TO SCENARIO. Jesus dude.
MD: This year's Hip Hop Honors is what I was expecting from last year - a total shitty trainwreck. Last year's was actually really, really good, but this one was pretty fucking awful and I don't even know if there's some sort of legit reason as to why. T-Pain not singing with a vocoder was the definite low point for me. The internet getting butt hurt (second butt hurt reference this month) over Lupe Fiasco not knowing the words to a Tribe song was pretty funny. Not to make this about me, but I have performed around four thousand shows (really like a hundred or so) and I don't think I've ever gotten my own lyrics 100% right ever. If I had to cover a rap song, I would not know what to do. Good for you Lupe, I don't know any of the words from "Reasonable Doubt", and I plan to keep it that way.
BWT: The best part of this was Harvey Keitel coming out putting over Snoop Dogg like he was some modern day Robert Frost or some shit. I'm still pretty sure the only reason VH1 does this is that some rich jew executive is behind this knowing that if you keep having a rap awards show, eventually someone is going to get shanked. This is what the 3rd or 4th year of this? I'm calling it right now, next year one of the members of Kriss Kross gets it in the spine (the knife-welding Jermaine Dupri henchmen thought it was his stomach) after Mac Daddy or Daddy Mac complained about royalties backstage while the Young Gunz are preforming a tribute forgetting half the words to "I Missed the Bus".
KM: You know, I watched this, but I don't remember much about it. I like Eve, so that was okay. New Jack was bigger than Teddy Riley. Getting some dudes who probably haven't gotten checks in a while on stage to perform would have been more interesting than Teddy Pederast and there are easily a dozen acts who'd fit that description. Fuck, Bobby Brown and the rest of the New Edition guys would have been perfect. It's relevant to hip hop since people like Heavy D and probably Kane and I think Kool Moe Dee were busting out on that shit just like the R&B people. It wasn't grimy, but so the fuck what? The Whodini wound up being better than it looks on paper. The Snoop thing was decent, dunno how Harvey Keitel relates to anything there on any level. T.I., B.G., Daz and Ice T is a good lineup, but where's Kurupt and Nate? Warren G's ON VH1, call his recently thinner ass up instead of Bow Wow? I will fess to marking out when Busta hopped up for his "Scenario" verse and not paying attention to Lupe Fiasco because I don't know all the words to that song either. Prediction for next year's honorees (aside from Kriss Kross, good looking out BWT): TLC, Jay-Z, Too $hort, Eminem, Slick Rick and Outkast. Maybe someone will decide to throw some random shit like DJ Screw in just to be weird.
5. LITTLE BROTHER'S 'GET BACK' CDBWT: Leaking your own album to the intarweb... oh how rebellious. Is this the way they're getting back at Atlantic? Pretty lame if you ask me. I'm a Little Brother fan not in the way that I buy into the whole saviors of rap hype shit, but I've enjoyed them a lot. This is easily the most boring stuff they've ever done as it's just really not interesting. I'm struggling for anything to say about it at all and I think they had that problem too. 11 songs is really short and the whole thing is just empty. I didn't think the loss of 9th Wonder was really going to make that much of a difference and while it still sounds like a Little Brother album, its just there. I wasn't in love with The Minstrel Show but at least it had a direction. On that album I remember shots at those R&B ballads that every rap album seems to have and well this whole album has a big R&B feel to it to the point where I think it's some big inside joke. The 9th Wonder produced song with Lil Wayne is a just one example of the sound but I have the feeling they paid Lil Weezy's feature price to make a fool of him. And even Weezy is on cruise control. I watch a lot of shitty boxing and I listen to a lot of shitty rap. I can't really defend being a fan of either at this point but I couldn't sleep last night so I put on the hip hop Comcast station they have and I kept it on for some Bobby Brown/Gorilla Zoe song. A Bobby Brown/Gorilla Zoe song. My taste in boxing isn't much better as I watched the Jamel McCline/ Sam Peter fight and they have a lot in common. Jamel McCline punched himself out knocking Peter down 3 times in the round trying to become the WBOWBCABFIBCECP heavyweight champ. Weezy has punchlined himself out after 39 mixtapes and 140 features over the past year trying to become the heavyweight champ of rap. Both guys fighting over a crown that ain't what it used to be. As for Little Brother they need to squash whatever beefs they have with 9th Wonder and get him back on the team ASAP, after all having the D12 guy who did "P.I.M.P" and "Stunt 101" making your beats isn't good for your backpacker image.
JD: I am nearing the end of my second time around of college, and hopefully by this time next year, I will be teaching. The college I go to is big on making you jump through hoops and pushing their agenda on you. One such thing that is pushed upon us is, "don't teach to the test", and "fluff isn't bad". Fluff is the educational equivalent of bells and whistles. It is dressing up like George Washington when teaching a lesson about him, and I think fluff really has it's place in the classroom when it is used right. Dressing up like Julius Ceasar and teaching about the Civil War makes no sense because the kids will miss the point. What does this have to do with the LB album?
It is all fluff. The more and more I listened to the album, I looked for the message under the songs about clothes and girls, but it wasn't there. It was all fluff. The beats, like BWT alluded to, would have sounded better done by G-Unit and not an underground group. Knowing the paranoia of Phonte, I am sure he will post something on the Justus League message board about how everyone is hating it because they hate LB, and how no one "got it". I was really disappointed by this album, and I haven't even had the desire to listen to it again since listening to it for this write-up. In the meantime, I hope Phonte takes the criticism this album will get and not take it personally, but see what this album was - 40 minutes of bullshit.
KM: The Listening was a good debut. I was one of those people that fell in love with LB after that, and I ate up all the mixtape shit and thought Minstrel Show truly was an underrated gem. I distinctly remember thinking all those folks saying they're just some wannabe Native Tongues throwback act were all full of shit. Hell, I STILL like Minstrel Show. This is one of those times when John and I were on the same tip. That said, I checked out Get Back and goddamn, that was boring. Phonte (not to be outdone by Nas's album idea) decides to overdo the "nigga" shit. Okay, the joke's not that funny. I liked "Good Clothes" and that's about it. It's not all that, but I guess it's a thing where I kinda relate to that? Or whatever. That shit with Lil Wayne song was wack as fuck, maybe 9th was lacing them with shit to pay them back. Phonte's into sucking his own dick on wax and it shows. This album isn't abominable, but to someone who really genuinely liked them it's sofa king disappointing.
6. PLAYAZ CIRCLE 'DUFFLE BAG BOY' SONGRM: Wayne's lower back lifts away from the chair cushion like a slow motion spasm as he ejaculates into the unnamed girl's mouth. He looks down calmly, pulling his hand from her weave as she smiles up at her famous conquest, wiping her forearm across her lips. The effects of pills and liquor have taken their toll, and that last bit of orgasmic energy drained from Wayne causes him to drift towards sleep, the tattoos on the back of his eyelids becoming visible.
Baby calls from the other chair in the hotel suite. "Can I get some love too, honey?" She walks over and undoes his designer jeans and starts repeating the process. Baby is looking down at her, and her mouth wrapped around his shaft, trying to suck it to stiffness, is odd and grotesque, like some sort of anteater ass bitch trying to look sexy in slut clothes. He tries to concentrate on sex by closing his eyes and thinking of much hotter bitches sucking his dick, and this works to get an erection working for the anonymous groupie's mouth to slurp at, but he's not even close to finishing this. He opens his eyes and looks back down at her, still looking fucking busted out. He looks over at Wayne, sleeping in the high-backed cushioned chair, his pants still down at his knees and his white tank top pulled askew to show the tattoos on his lower belly. They've come along way together. Baby starts looking at Wayne's flacid penis and thinking about it in this bitch's mouth, where his dick is now. He starts thinking about his and Wayne's semen mixing together, and how it'd be great if they could do this to a pussy and have the baby and raise it together, Wayne and Baby's kid, but with Baby being Wayne's daddy, it'd be like his grandson too. And they could call it Grandpa just to be funny. Raise him together away from the mother since it was mostly both of their DNA that was the strongest in the boy. It would have to be a boy, and yeah, during group sex, Baby figures DNA all mixes. It's not one sperm in one egg, no matter what faggot scientists think. They don't understand how the streets are. He thinks about him and Wayne growing old together and raising the boy together, sending him off to Grambling where he'll be starting tailback for Doug Williams.
At about this point, Baby comes in the girl's mouth without warning. She spurts a little out the side of her mouth and looks up happily. Baby is disgusted by her, and halfway scowls accordingly. "You can wash up in the bathroom baby, and then head downstairs to the lobby and my driver will take you wherever you need to go."
She leaves like they all do, and Baby wants to go shake Wayne on his shoulder to wake him up, but his pants are down, and it's just them in the room by themselves now. "Wayne. WAYNE! Wake up, motherfucker."
Lil Wayne groggily opens his eyes back up, mumbles, "oh shit," and pulls his pants back up and straightens himself.
"Wayne, let's go get some food and then call up the studio."
"Yeah, alright man. Let me find my bottles," and he rummages through the new clothes piled up by the trash can for his pill bottle and liter of spring water. They go eat seafood together and then go to a local recording studio, where Wayne jots down and whips out a four-line sing-song hook to some random ass fuckers' song. The hook doesn't seem to relate to their lyrics at all, and their connection to Wayne is monetary at best, yet somehow, stumbling through another night, Wayne gives some random ass motherfuckers their money's worth.
MD: Wow, Raven really killed my momentum going into this one with that fan fiction shit. Anyway, I have heard this song with enough frequency that I now kind of like it. I just like Lil Wang's singing part. That is basically like the best Lil Wang chorus ever and I don't even know it means. I'm assuming Duffle Bag Boy refers to some sort of low level dude in the drug game, but I guess I should rewatch The Wire to make sure.
Also, theres a Young Buck song that has had the same effect on me, but I don't remember the name so I didn't want to make it into it's own separate blurb. It's something about riding a car or something, I don't know. Fucking Shady 45 already poisoning my brain.
BWT: While everything Raven wrote in his Lil Wayne Baby fan fiction probably is more truth than fiction, this is still a great song and video. I've thought about how I would react if Lil Wayne were to tomorrow become the first openly gay rapper and how this would affect me as a fan. I think I would be cool with it if only to see how they would approach the subject in songs. Would Weezy do a freestyle over that gettin some head beat about how much dick he gets from Baby? Would Weezy do an updated version of alphabet bitches?"'Leon wearin neon I got off then he got on" etc...
Back to the song - man, am I proud of these Playaz Circle dudes 'cause when I heard "Brown Paper Bag" I said to myself the rap world will never be able to make a better song about how they carry money in 2007. And then this came out a few weeks later and egg was all over my face. I can see someone coming out with a song about a Dickies backpack or something in a few weeks so I can only hope this trend has legs. Oh, and how could you not like a song that has a salad dressing reference?
KM: I didn't expect this to get its own blurb, but okay. No clue about that shit Raven's on - are we sure this month counts as crack free? I can dig it, sucka. After months of saying how I'm fucking tired of Lil Wayne's Adderol-laced rapping, I finally hear some shit I like. Granted, he's doing the hook but he kills it. This song is fucking nice! The organ/piano beat works wonders. I realize the MCs on this aren't even rapping about anything phenomenal, and cannot even justify my irrational love for this song with anything other than, "It sounds good, man." Kinda like Rick Ross "Hustlin'" you know? I have a feeling this one would make a good jack for some better MCs on a mixtape, but at the same time I know deep down that Joe Budden or Saigon would just waste the opportunity to jabber about how NYC isn't dead and also how they are the king of New York. If I had to make a fantasy league line-up for a remix that actually omitted Playaz Circle in order to house better talent, I would probably toss Bun B, Crooked I, Z-Ro and hmm... maybe someone East Coast. If Talib promised to not suck, I'd say him. Keith Murray would be more interesting, probably. Since one of Playaz Circle actually did the beat (according to Scratch), I think they have some potential for growth.
7. DONK MAG IVRM: It is fun to follow the high-riser custom car movement as it speeds along to a fading fad. And I think it could've had some legs if the basic premise was low riders but jacked up with giant shiny rims. Except, first of all, you have donk dorks all hung up on whether you can call something a true donk or not, and then wanting people to respect where it came from like four years ago. The second thing is this stupid fucking idea to have themed cars of the worse commercial themes. Like, in all my years of occasionally getting Low Rider magazine, there might be weird theme cars here and there, but never ones attached to a stupid brand name, much less an obscure one. There was a featured car in this Donk magazine where the car was colored like Nerds, the candy, and had that shit's logo stitched into some ostrich leather on the inside. Hunh? What the fuck is wrong with people? Even if you're doing it to get sponsorship so you can have that extra half a thousand to get 28-inch rims instead of 26s, why bother? If you have to have Yoohoo candypainted on the side (yes, that's for real), then why the fuck even would you want to do that? That's like wanting to get both arms done up in full sleeves of tattoos, but you can't afford it, so you take on a sponsor whose logo fills up the center part of your forearms. Hey, that gives me an idea... I think I'm gonna dig out my cassette recorder seven sewing needles tied together backyard tattoo rig and tattoo and nice block style donk on my side, with the word "CHEVRELLE" underneath in cholo font, as filtered through a whiteboy's handwriting, writing with needle holes full of india ink into his side, looking at it upside downways.
KM: Well, I may as well tell you anonymous reader people what's new with my pre-donk. It's not like I know too much about real donks, and these shits won't write themselves. The 1987 Crown Victoria, my boo, has had her annual Shit Goes Wrong (Because I'm A Bad Car Owner) phase starting in October. I could set a watch to this, really. One year, I got stuck in San Angelo because of a blown hose the week before Thanksgiving. Another time, I got a pair of expensive tickets shortly before giving her a year-and-a-half vacation. This year, it's started with a 1-2 punch of my headlight going out and also a ticket for not having insurance on me. Tonight, in the Fun Halloween Cold, my mom and I tried to get a lightbulb screwed back in - almost a flawless victory but we had to resort to baling wire since we couldn't get the screws in. My boo has a lot of baling wire holding things, truth be told. And so on my last trip of the evening, I return to find the driver side door handle is now broken. I am now one of those guys who has to crawl in the passenger side. You know what though? I still fucking love that car, she is my beautiful tank and one day I will be able to fix her up proper.
8. WU TANG "SAMPLES" THE BEATLESBWT: The novelty of sampling the Beatles sure has been shot to death after the Grey Album, but I enjoyed this song a lot even if it makes no sense. Why bring in Erykah Badu to sing on it? Why not just use the George Harrison vocals if you're paying god knows what for the beat? Why even bother bringing in the dude from the Chili Peppers to play guitar? Erykah Badu is not needed on this. Dude from the Chili Peppers is not needed on this. It's a Beatles song with fucking Eric Clapton why would you even pay for the song if you're going to chop it up? What a waste. I assume they're doing this to create some buzz over the album but you would think that the first Wu Tang album in six years would be enough buzz. I guess they're doing all of this to get that all-important blurb in Entertainment Weekly. I like the song itself pretty much just for Ghostface's verse as he raps about a trip to PathMark getting violent. Method Man's verse is pretty good too and he seems like the only one of them who's comfortable flowing over the beat. Anyway, I hope the fat check RZA wrote to the Beatles is being put to some good use like helping Paul McCartney cover up some of the nastier details of his marriage to Heather Mills. Makes no sense that he would let someone sample them now if he wasn't in need of some cash so I'm just going to guess it some serious shit like he used to shove her prosthetic leg leg up her ass while high off peyote.
RM: From what I heard, the wack ass guitar on this is George Harrison's son, which I guess owns that part of the rights to the song, which is how they circumvented clearing a sample because it's a cover song as opposed to sampling it, or some zionistic legalese bullshit like that. Nonetheless, the song is wack as fuck. In fact, everything I've heard so far for this impending mega-super-greatest shit ever Wu Tang record has been crap, and once the initial memory maker thought of "Oh shit, Wu Tang!" wears off after about seventeen seconds, it's just overhyped bullshit. Ghost's new "Celebrate" song makes me a thousand more times excited than this Wu Corp crap executively produced by RZA. In fact, I'd bet if Ghost's soul album with no cusses comes out, that shit's gonna be three thousand times hotter than the Wu Corp's 8 Marketing Angles CD.
KM: Fuck The Beatles. This song is boring, its source material is boring, the only Beatles I can get down with is when dudes like Stevie Wonder or Al Green injected talent into a song and made it better. For a point of reference, I am fairly certain I read Irv Gotti talking about how Ja Rule (or whatever the fuck he's calling himself now) is also planning to include a Beatles sample on his comeback shit. That right there is a match made in heaven - a rapper I don't care about pulling some expensive music I don't give a fuck about and making a single that will maybe bury him as a footnote on Wikipedia. My only hope is that the internet is predicting incorrectly and that Wu Tang's new album is actually a burner (with one boring Beatles beat.) I could get behind that.
9. DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER IS A BIG FAN OF NAS' NEW ALBUM TITLERM: So Dog the Bounty Hunter Jr. got hooked on the brown sugar, and apparently Dog hisself is basically like any other long-haired leather vest-wearing bounty hunter - he hates black people. Not all of them, just most of them, especially the soulless scum ones, which I would assume is what he thinks of those he rounds up for pay.
A couple things about this are real fucking stupid though, beyond the obvious Dog shit. First off, dudes like Dog come a dime a dozen, and have no power in this world. They are losers just like the soulless scum blacks they hate. A bunch of losers all pushing and shoving each other over scraps and pieces. The real people who actually think "nigger" but never say it and engineer all this shit, Dog is as much of one as any street thug black kid. They don't give a fuck.
Secondly, I have always operated under the impression you don't snitch, and you don't put a hoe before a bro. I would assume your dad would be your bro, especially if he's hooking you up with a cushy ass job as part of his million dollar hustle he's got going with the TVs. But taping your dad on the phone and shit? That's fucked up. At least with Dog's liberal use of racial epithets, I understand where he stands and can react accordingly. But some dude taping you on the phone without you knowing to embarrass you and ruin your shit, and it's your own dad? That kid is a piece of shit. And he's only been dating that black chick for seven months. She must have some hellafied pussy.
MD: I don't have much to add to this except I hate looking at Dog the Bounty Hunter so if he gets kicked off of TV for this, then great. Also, I am really hoping this makes way for "Dr. D" DAVID SCHULTZ THE BOUNTY HUNTER, which would be an infinitely cooler show. I met David Schultz in bounty hunter mode when I was like 12 or 13, and he was still a pretty scary looking dude. I used to have his autograph, but it was just on a ripped up piece of paper, so I lost it. Dave Schultz is scary (maybe not anymore because he's mad old now) but I could never be scared of Dog the Bounty Hunter. He just looks like the most exaggerated version of some muscle fag at a gay bar.
RM: In case your brain is not filled with every detail of professional wrestling history, "Dr. D" David Schultz is the old WWF wrestler who slapped up that little asshole John Stossel from 20/20 and left his stupid ass deaf in one side of his prejudiced brain. Also, David Schultz, like Dog and most other bounty hunters, is a crazy redneck racist with a giant gun and basically a license to kill motherfuckers since they jumped bail. And yes, a Dr. D the Bounty Hunter show would be three million kinds of awesome.
KM: The irony part of this (the Enquirer getting ahold of him saying "nigger") is hilarious. What he said would happen pretty much did... perhaps Dog has psychic friend potential. The whole thing isn't that shocking, however. Did anyone watching this actually think he's some kind of haute couture white guy? Dude's Ted Nugent with the hick factor ramped up. Considering how some of Nugent's favorite shit to sing about in Texas is "Learn English Or Get The Fuck Out Of America" it's an apt comparison. The shocking thing is how they managed to keep everyone from using it on the show. A&E's reaction to that shit almost makes one think Dog's crew had kept that shit in check or else someone would've already gotten in trouble behind it.
10. THE NECRO WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY INTERVIEW (click to download)RM: Mike linked me up to this interview, and I used my internet welfare dial-up to dl it because I was bored after watching the end of the first season of Footballers Wives. And it's funny, because the limey dude is basically the epitome of what we mock when we say we are Expert Whiteboys full of analysis about the hip hop. Although, to some extent, we are also mocking dudes like Necro. I tell you what, one thing Zionist conspiracies overlook is how many Jewish people are not in those roles of prominence, and when you run across some shithead dirtbag jewish kid like Necro sounds like in this interview, that's the type of dude you never trust. Most dirtbags are the type to just steal your shit, but those weird urban jew dirtbag dudes are the type to hang with you, fuck your girl in the ass, get sick and explode like ebola all over your bathroom's tile floor, come out and act like nothing's up and be out real quick, and then you find all the mess to clean up. But at least they don't steal your shit (which is probably because they already secretly own it).
MD: I don't even think Necro is being that funny. He's being a real jerk though. I just like how butt hurt the English guy gets at the end. It sounds so ridiculous that I thought it might possibly be a work (that means "fake" for non-wrestling slang dorks). Plus, I now have this amazingly hilarious idea of what a white dude from England who's into hip hop sounds like. I kind of want to go there just to hear people like that talk to me.
11. EMINEM'S NEW CRAPPY 'UNTITLED' SONGBWT: Oh my, Eminem has a new song. What is the bigger surprise here, that the song sucks or that he makes outdated references? I doubt Fear Factor is even on anymore so of course Eminem has a line about Fear Factor in this. He has a line about Vanilla Ice in this. Vanilla Ice is arguably more relevant than Eminem in 2007. Vanilla Ice was on one of those VH1 reality shows with the midget from Austin Powers, Chyna, the guy from Smash Mouth who started that lame soul patch trend, Ron Jeremy, and Brigitte Nielsen. Eminem was... yeah forget about arguably more relevant, Vanilla Ice is more relevant. Eminem has a line about Michael Jackson. I don't watch Jay Leno but I doubt Jay Leno is making Michael Jackson pedophile jokes in 2007. The only interesting part of this song is when he gets all defensive over that whole incident where he said "nigga". Did anyone ever even care about that? Eminem is even making outdated references about himself. I figure it's 2007, if DJ Khaled and Fat Joe can say nigga, why can't Eminem? Maybe it all comes down to how well you're spitting. Eminem is sub-Fat Joe in 2007, and while I've never heard DJ Khaled spit anything, I will take a Runners beat that DJ Khaled put his name on over anything Eminem ever produced. If this song were an Eminem parody song it would have been close to being spot on but we really needed a Christopher Reeve line, a line about Monika Lewinsky, a line about Triumph the insult comic dog, and a line about Ja Rule.
MD: This song sucks. It's like half of a song and it's obvious Eminem doesn't care about rapping anymore now that he has gajillions of dollars.
On a related note, 8 Mile is in the trilogy of unintentionally hilarious movies about realistic rap life along with Get Rich or Die Trying starring Em's bed partner 50 Cent and Hustle & Flow starring DJ Qualls. Despite how horrendous it is, if I'm flipping through the channels and 8 Mile is on the part at the end with the freestyle rap battle, and Eminem is about to tear into the evil rap gang, I will leave that shit on. "My Motto, fuck lotto, I'll get the 7 digits for a dollar from your mother tomorrow". That whole last 15 minutes is like the White Rapper Rocky.
12. ANDY REID'S PESKY KIDSBWT: Andy Reid's kids are pushing some serious weight. This has replaced that whole Amish teens drug scandal as my new favorite most random Pennsylvania religious background drug bust. At first I thought this was one of those rich kids using their rich folks money who got a little carried away stories, but man stuffing 89 pills up your ass is some trapstar shit. I guess he wronged the wrong people in some deal and this was his only option. I'm looking forward to a few things. The inevitable Real Sports interview with Reid where Bryant Gumbel gets him to tear up and the first time that someone uses Garrett Reid as a rap punchline. Seriously, "I push G Packs like Garrett Reid's asshole" is going to make my year. Here are the odds: Joe Budden 3/2, Fabolous 4/1, Lil Wayne 4/1, The Game 5/1, Lloyd Banks 10/1, Hell Rell 12/1, Max B 25/1, Styles P 50/1, Masta Ace 100/1, MC Shan 250/1, Tupac Shakur (via modern super computer technology) 500/1.
JD: When I first heard about this, I wasn't really shocked. I don't think anyone pegged Andy Reid as father of the year, and the life of an NFL head coach seems to be horrible. Their season doesn't seem to end as even once the regular season and/or playoffs (NOT LATELY FOR THE IGGLES, AMIRITE B?), they prepare for the next season, get ready for the draft, and are pranced around to appearances. So with Reid not being home and a wife who is probably lunching at the Country Club fucking Danny Noonan, the kids get ducats thrown at them to get out of everyone's hair.
Let's see... rich - CHECK, unsupervised - CHECK, assholes - CHECK, bored - CHECK, and I think this all adds up to one heroin-doing motherfucker.
I think B missed my favorite for the Garrett Reid line, Cam'ron. I am guessing the line would be something like this:
"Pussy Grindin'
Moved up from small-timin'
Made my last bundle of cheese
Pushin weight to Garrett Reid."
13. CRACK FREE MONTHRM: I've got my third kid coming due around the end of January, so I figured it was probably best to just swear off buying crack anymore, even if it was just a minor leisure habit. So I don't buy it anymore, at all, only doing it when other people offer it to me for free. It's hard, coming up in the "OMG! The Wire is the greatest shit ever" meme times to not romanticize sitting around with an older nappy-headed stank-ass black dude, smoking some crack and scheming up wacky plans for financial glory. But it's hard to just hang out and not be kicking in on the illicits. I have found though, that aging inter-racial dating women, meaning kinda hefty white girls in their mid-30s with two kids that stay at their mom's house, the initial rebellion against their racist and abusive fathers has wore off over the years, and the fact that they tend to be attracted to abusive black boyfriends because of that father figure they grew up with, they kinda get burned on black dudes from time to time. So they enjoy the company of a solid white dude like myself while they smoke crack, and they'll share it with me. But I won't fuck them, I'm a happily married man. Though if they pass out, I will masturbate over top of them imagining what they look like naked. That's kind of a fetish of mine, standing over unconscious women with their clothes in, jacking off thinking about what they'd look like with their clothes off, but never taking their cloths off, and being careful to orgasm into my left hand so I don't get it on their couch or anything, and then kinda doing that penguin walk to the bathroom holding my pants at my lower thighs and cupping my seed in the other hand to wash off in the tub. That weird water/semen glue composite might clog up a sink, especially with a bitch's long hair all jammed down the drain already, so the tub is the best bet.
You'll also have to forgive me if I come across a little more asshole-like... not being able to indulge like I'd want to sometimes frustrates me and causes me to lash out at things I have never taken the time to understand. It's a very common psychological defense mechanism.
JD: Wow, I would really like to congratulate Raven on his crack-free month. Good show son. I mean doing coke is a cool thing. Fuck, look at Pookie from New Jack City. That was the coolest dude on the block.
I hate to burst your crack-free bubble, but I am going on 32 years crack-free. I know, I know - I am mad pussy for never smoking rock or hanging out in a crack house with fat bitches, but it is hard. I am a child of Reaganomics, I know crack is the ultimate sign of being a successful dude, and sometimes instead of paying bills or putting gas in my car, I want to be Joe Cool and get some rocks. Alas, I have managed to stay away. One day when I am all settled down with kids and our own place, I PROMISE you I will be cracked out with the quickness. Dumbass.
14. NAPPY ROOTS 'GOOD DAY' SONGRM: Nappy Roots released an internet-only release called Innerstate Music last month... which reminds me of the seventeen different rappers I've heard in the last couple weeks talking about how they're tapped into the future of album sales because there won't be mom-and-pop stores anymore, so they're gonna sell shit on the internet... that shit's funny to me. Future sounds old to me, especially if they think this is gonna stop thievery, because I stole this internet-only shit. And to be honest, beyond the first two songs, there's only a couple of other tracks I dig, but that second track - "Good Day" - it's a great song, complete with kids singing and sunshiney ghetto tales over a happy assed piano beat that just makes you want to hang out at the car wash and drink some Smirnoff Ice, hoping somebody shows up with a fat blunt. This song is so great it made me add Nappy Roots to my retarded inner checklist of Great Southern Acts that if they could separate themselves from the ridiculous tomfoolery of the rap industry and do what was in them to do they could make the greatest album ever known to man, but they never do. Current tenants on that list as well are Devin the Dude and David Banner, and previously members were Three Six Mafia and Cee-lo, but since both of them got popular, since I'm a contrarian hipster expert whiteboy faggot fool, I can't expect too much from them no more.
MD: I can't even remember why I hate Nappy Roots, but I think it had something to do with me mistaking them for Field Mob, and I really liked that first Field Mob single way back in the early 21st century that they have seemingly erased from their history in order to accomplish baller status. I think maybe Nappy Roots had an album around the same time and something happened and now I hate them.
Anyway, I do like this song. I'm not about to listen to their whole record or anything, But they have moved from permanent expulsion to long term suspension in my brain's musical reserves.
15. MEMPHIS RAP MONTHMD: This month the world was blessed with new releases by Project Pat, Lord Infamous, and the Prophet Posse that will no doubt help wash down the sour taste the new Three Six Mafia will leave in our mouths in December. I mean, I'm as big a fan of Three Six as anyone, but I have serious doubts about this new record.
The new Project Pat is pretty good. A lot of folks I know on the internet and in real life are saying it's better than Crook by Da Book, but I don't know about that. There's no "What Money Do" on Walkin' Bank Roll. There are a good number of dirty songs about cocaine, drugs, and hedonistic sex though, and I feared anyone associated with Three Six would have to calm down on the cocaine songs so they don't lose their squeaky clean reality show image.
I've only listened to the new Lord Infamous once so far and it's pretty decent. He's really missing actual Three Six produced beats, but the guys he got assimilating Three Six beats could do much worse. I'm still not sure why he's not in Three Six again since he doesn't hate them or anything.
I haven't listened to the new Prophet Posse yet, but since it's a bunch of Three Six castoffs, I expect maybe two good songs and then a bunch of mediocre shit. Either way, it's still a good month to be a person like me who likes borderline bad rap music.
RM: Yeah, probably far more than anything else, the success of Three Six made me sad in the long run, because once they were Hollywood, there was no undoing that, because if they drop three flops of an album with no commercial success in a row, they're always gonna be that rap group that won an Oscar to the blue bloodbergs that run entertainment industries many tentacles. But the beauty of Three Six was always how fucked they were, including all the fringe members. I mean, Crunchy Black, even in promo pics all airbrushed up to look good, looks like a sketchy ass bitch, no matter how you touch it up. And Gangsta Boo and La Chat, there is no doubt they beat their children in the grocery store for grabbing shit they ain't supposed to be grabbing at. That drug-fueled broke-ass piece of shit lot in life type music is what I always loved about them. I'm glad the castoffs are keeping that spirit alive, and hopefully Three Six will continue to be successful by blue bloodberg bottom line standards, which will in turn justify this castoff cottage industry of Memphis music to continue, which will hopefully encourage Mike to do a Best of Three Six-Related Bullshit megamix for me every couple of months, to keep me up to date and weed out all the unnecessary stuff.
16. BOYZ N DA HOOD 'EVERYBODY KNOW ME' SONGKM: I figure since the other song I've been cranking in my spare time ("Duffle Bag Boy") was on the list, I could jabber a bit about this one. There are four other dudes lined up to hate it - Raven's got a jones for it and this is most likely not the kinda shit Mike or John would bump by choice. On that note, I heard this about two weeks ago on the radio and thought someone had thrown in an old No Limit joint in their mix. Then came Zoe. This shit is totally a No Limit tribute/cover to me, and frankly I like that a lot. It reminds me of a time when I could hear awesome New Orleans rappers like Fiend and Mia X burn a mic with 4 or 5 other okay-to-awful MCs on a posse track. Zone 3 and those other cats hold their own and that's more than enough if you're talking about something like this. It's made for cars, for getting buck in rush hour or maybe at the club (I don't do that shit, I'm a fucker not a fighter). BITCH, NO. YOU MY FAV'RIT BABY DADDY. Gorilla Zoe is seriously growing on me. I'm not sure if that's a good thing but it's happening.
RM: Listening to this shit on my computadora, it is intriguing enough I will add it to a mix of other shit to move into the truck stage of listening. Things sound different coming through a robot and coming through speakers in a car, this is why internet sites always jock the same flim flam bullshit. I am not sure I'm gonna like this enough to care about in four days after listening to it in the truck, as Gorilla Zoe grew on me a long time ago and this is one of my least favorite shits I've heard him on, but anything coming out of Atlanta that leans more towards the Pastor Troy style of rap as opposed to shitty tinny snap crap $10 beers at a shitty strip club sound.
17. R.I.P BIG MOERM: It is not exactly shocking that a 300 lb. dude who drank cough syrup leisurely had a heart attack, but still, every time one of the for-real Screwed Up Click dudes dies, I am saddened. I understand with this being the internet and a record got leaked last Sunday on thedicegame, then was all over on Monday, that hit the stores on Tuesday, peaked at #1 on the Billboard charts and fell completely out the top 100 two weeks later, and now no one even cares about other than the hot remix of that one song featuring Akon, Lil Wayne, and Puff Daddy, so you are probably hung up into the hyperspeed matrix where shit like screwed music sounds retarded to you. And I can respect that. I spend a lot of time at a picnic table in my backyard, and were I to replace that time with a cubicle or monitor in front of my face, I'm sure I'd feel differently. But I move slow so the slow shit makes sense to me. And I was sad for Big Moe's death because fuck, it seems like Hawk just died. "Purple Stuff" is one of my all-time favorite screwed songs too, one I always put on mixes to try and get normal-minded people hooked on the screwstyles. Although, when Mike threw up that rip of the "Purple Stuff" 12-inch, I got confused when I listened to it at first because I had never heard it in normal speed, which is fast speed to me, because I am slowed, normally.
KM: This seriously bummed me the fuck out. Hawk dying really sucked when you read the circumstances and realize the guy was taken before his time, it's tragic but I didn't have as much of a musical attachment to Hawk. Don't get me wrong, I've heard a lot of shit I liked but it didn't hit me as hard and I don't know why. At first, I hated Big Moe because this dude I worked with wanted to roll to it and I was all in my OOH RAWKUS IS THE ONLY HIP HOP mode of 2000-01. "Barre Baby" used to get on my last fucking nerve. Years later, I gave it another chance and found out it's not that bad at all. In fact, Big Moe does what Nate Dogg wishes he could - put out whole albums with sing-songy hooks that doesn't suck a dick. Moe had the S.U.C. to draw from for guest spots, Nate had a shattered Dogg Pound. I have never had any drank, narcotics fuck with my stomach but I concur that Moe sounds better slowed down. In the last year or two, I wondered when Moe would come out with another album or mixtape. Dude would hop on a song and make fun of people saying he was dead from a heart attack or how it takes him an hour to shower thoroughly or whatever. Maybe that had some karmic consequences, but at the time I laughed too. It was like 2Pac only with cholesterol and drank. There's no denying if you're 300 pounds and drink that shit, you are feeding your life expectancy into a blender. Despite all that, I still wish he was not dead.
18. ESTEVAN ORIOL - CHOLO PHOTOGRAPHERRM: I got some gay ass documentary about current artists called The Run Up, because my netflix plan of attack is to get on like once every three months late at night while drunken and just act like netflix is a really shitty google and add 49 things to my queue. Then I never check it for three months so I keep getting retarded shit I never heard of. Tonight I watched a flick starring Warren Oates and Lou Gossett about some whale hunters saved by eskimos who corrupt the purity of eskimoness. It was awesome, partially because I had never heard of it. Anyways, I go The Run Up in a similar manner, and every artist on it - mostly "street" artists, meaning recovered graffiti fuckers trying to scam a living out of the art industry. The only saving grace of this flick was Estevan Oriol (as well as his main man Mr. Cartoon). Oriol used to be road manager for Cypress Hill and got into taking pictures and has probably done stupid rap promo shots or car pictorials in goofy mags like Mass Appeal that you've seen. But the dude also just takes photos all the time, of cholos and L.A. gangbangers and cars and just about anything ever that crosses his path. And he has a natural ability to find a good picture without explanation, and I can't explain that shit. Most art photography looks formulaic and artsy for artsy's sake to me. But there's something to Oriol's shit. Plus, he's a funny assed dude. If by me being white means I'm gonna eventually be rich and have everything I could ever want because I was born into that, then one of the first frivolous things I'm gonna get is a nice Oriol print, in one of those fancy dining room mantlepiece frames.
MD: I miss the days in movies when there were no Mexican actors, so they would get olive-skinned white dudes to play Mexicans. My favorites being that red-haired dude from Colors, and the guy who played the Mexican gangbanger in Sleepaway Camp III. I don't hate Mexicans or anything and can't stand to see an actual Mexican play a Mexican, it's just funny to me that there was a point in time where Hollywood came to the conclusion that white people were superior at playing Mexicans than Mexicans were. It's like that Ben Kingsley guy who is famous for playing middle easterners and the white guy who was Charlie Chan. Hollywood is fucking great.
19. Y SOCIETY'S 'TRAVEL AT YOUR OWN PACE' CDJD: I am the dumbest motherfucker ever. Not dumb, but fucking gullible. I blame all of you out there. You fucking douches jocking this and jocking that. Some dickbags actually had the balls - THE BALLS - to compare these two dudes, or three dudes, or however many Lord Fauntleroy's are in the group to the NEW PETE ROCK AND CL SMOOTH. As I listened to this, I became enraged. They even did some sort of Pete Rock "tribute" track in which they emasculated a Pete Rock beat.
This is the same weak ass shit we all complain about listening to and which I swore to stop listening to. But I ran back like some pathetic fool to listen to the album. Dicks. The whole mess of you.
MD: I don't know what Y Society is, but I don't think I'd download it because the name Y Society sounds like some fancy feminine cleansing product or something, or at least a cheap brand of whiskey. I just can't not see Y Society written in cursive letters with a flowery background so there's no way I'd download this. I kind of quit downloading new shit anyway, because there's no point anymore.
20. RISING MURDER RATESRM: I am no gangster wannabe whiteboy - I avoid conflict whenever it's easy enough to do so. And I don't wish ill shit on anybody unless they really annoy me, but let's be honest, art imitates life and back and forth and shit chicken and egg nonsense. And let's also be honest, this hip hop muzak AIDS awareness fashionista pseudo-conscious hip hop has really gone too far. I would guess, from the sounds made by the artists, that Chicago has become pretty nicely gentrified in recent years, where bi-racial people mingle together over drinks in a falafel/sushi joint and philosophically interface so open-mindedly about all the shit they hate about whosoever they deem ignorant. And I guess if I was the type to wear giant round sunglasses and drink on some liqueurs with my homies to get us geared up for a rousing night out sucking on some dicks, then all this Kanye/Consequence/Lupe/Common/prod. by J. Dilla next level Eurofag version of the Native Tongues would be great. But man, that shit is not great for me. And judging by how grimy the grimy gonna-save-NYC rappers sound, I'm guessing NYC has been cleaned up more than I've even been led to believe by people who say they hate it now.
And that's where the rising murder rates come in. Because where people get murdered, people live in fear of getting murdered or become desensitized to life. You mix in drug abuse (not drug sales - that shit's played out too as a gimmick) and some good rap music is gonna come out of that grimy compost of a shit neighborhood environment. And then when you have dudes from there go and get like three semesters of schooling at a state university (just long enough to steroid shoot their vocabulary and outlook on life), they come back and make the type of conscious bullshit that's actually conscious. Or at least for me I guess. Maybe the world is full of faggots. Which makes me hope the rising murder rate is not about people being faggots, because even if I use that word, there's nothing that bothers me more than when a murder is a hate crime. Hate crimes have no place in our modern liberated multi-racial society. Only senseless violence makes sense.
MD: I've read Raven's blurb a few times now, and I still can't figure out if it doesn't make sense to me on purpose, or if it's because I drink waaaaaay too much cough syrup for recreational purposes. Last night at the bar, I decided I would rather drink cough syrup than have to drink one of those fag liquors like 99 Bananas and Pucker. I won't lie, I love fag liquors, but you just get more fucked up drinking cough syrup and it's the same shitty taste so why even bother fucking around with the some 30 proof shit when a bottle of Robo DM is like $4 and all you have to do to get codeine is get insurance, go to a doctor and tell them you have a lung infection. They won't even check anything on your body because it's some sort of undetectable shit, and they'll just hand out the codeine. Word.
21. SIRIUS SATELLITE RAP SHOW TALKRM: Ahh... Friday nights, when the local community station used to have a decent mixshow, but then I guess local ass DJs with global-sized egos had conflict, so it's these shitty ass dudes, one of whom is called Pimpin' Ass John and seems to be a white dude talking with a clump of cotton in his mouth like chewing tobacco. So to the universal airspace beamed satellite radio is where I go, which also usually sucks, always playing the same shit, but on Friday nights, Lord Sear does his extended drunken mix from 10 to midnight, which is always good. And then at midnight, two channels down, and there's DJ Premier, usually with Big Shug in tow, playing only new shit, and mostly all the type of shit you'd expect him to play. The best is when Premo and Shug get to talking about football too, because it's like listening to two homeless ass old dudes who gargle with throat-eating acid rasp at each other for fifteen minutes about how awesome the Patriots are, peppered with urban slang. They should have their own football show.
MD: I finally have access to the Sirius Satellite and after two days of the Sear and Jude show, I'd have to say it's not as good as the Stretch and Bobbito show, but not as horrible as Rude Jude's appearances on Jenny Jones. Also, they do call-ins, and it's always great to hear dudes who seemingly have no connection with the internet hip hop world and have opinions staked deep into the early '90s, but not in a musical taste sort of way. More in the way that there has been no progression in their opinion developing skills. It's like taking a time machine back to when having a dual casette recorder was cool, except you have to listen to 8 Shady Records/G-Unit affiliated artists every hour.
22. THIS MONTH IN DIPSETBWT: CAM IS BACK!! I have been waiting for the return of Cam'ron almost as long as I have been waiting for someone to use the Sopranos song (this is what it is forever called now) for a sample. Too bad they both sound horrible. Cam sounds like he's really really sick or something. Maybe Cam has AIDS. I mean he did make a song called "Suck It or Not" with Lil Wayne. I hope the rest of the mixtape is better than these two songs 'cause they're both trash. Where is the Jim Jones diss? I would really love for Dipset to take an nWo wrestling-style split with dudes choosing sides and having a never-ending mixtape battle that only rap dorks like myself would enjoy. Bring on the Max B vs. Rugger Rell battle!
In other Dipset news, Jim Jones is coming out with a mixtape called THE REAL HARLEM AMERICAN GANGSTER with Dame Dash hosting it. While I love whenever Jim Jones goes after anyone, every time Dame Dash gets in on the action it feels like a bitter ex-girlfriend who makes sure to go to the same bar you're at with her new squeeze. Dame Dash is a loser Jimmy, you shouldn't be hanging with neverwas's like him.
MD: Oh man, it was a great month for Dipset since Cam has come back and his new double CD mixtape is dropping any second now. Judging by the two songs that have been released, he's stopped taking himself so seriously like he did on Killa Season and has gotten back to the silly ridiculous raps. Unfortunately, he's still not affiliated with the ROC, so he's going to have to work with shit beats again, and we can only hope they keep the "Get 'Em Girls" soundalike beat remakes down to a minimum, since every Dipset release has two of those per album and it's getting dumb.
Also, Jim Jones signed some deal with Sony, which will most likely be a big mistake on Sony's part. I will admit that "Ballin'" was a big hit but the rest of that record was a shit sammich, but maybe Sony will throw him enough money where every track can have a Lil Wayne feature or something.
23. THE BLAZING ORANGES OF AUTUMNRM: Great time of year as the leaves are changing and fall squash is on harvest markdown, so you can get butternut squash cheap as fuck. You peel that shit and dice it up and do the same with a couple of sweet potatoes, set it in a glass pan with some olive oil and slices of garlic plus salt and shit, and roast it at 350 until soft, man that's some great hip hop food. And save the carvings from the Halloween pumpkins to get the meat and cook it down to keep in the freezer, or just buy a couple of sugar pumpkins for the sweet vegetable meat inside, and hook up a pumpkin pie for dessert. That's a motherfuckin' gangsta ass meal, especially with maybe some rosemary chicken breasts... oh man. Fuckin' hip hop.
I realize this is not hip hop to many, which saddens my old school heart. But your blaze orange sneakers with lime green souls and shiny silver tongues looking like robot socks on a pussy-faced youthful human, that shit's not hip hop either. That's anime foot fetishism.
MD: I originally wrote the word "hippie" over and over again in this spot, but Raven said my shit was weak, so now I have to make jokes.
Anyway, I really don't like when Raven is on his Cool Hippie Guy gimmick tip, like he's some host of an imaginary PBS show where he walks around the woods droppin' knowledge about nature but peppering it with expletives so people like me don't immediately cut that shit off. Then Bob Vila would stop by, and they'd build a homo treehouse together and eat butt squashes and collect leaves and frame them with a little tiny label that tells you what kind of stupid fucking leaf it is. They sell those things in Pottery Barn for more money than I make in a week, and Raven sits around all day making shit like that for free with Bob Vila, then they frolic over to Yan Can Cook's house and present one to him as a housewarming gift and he hooks them up with some sweet shit he has been cooking in his wok. Then they set up the karaoke machine in Yan's house because every Asian is required to own a karaoke machine, and Raven kicks some of his bobo ass freestyles to end the show and the credits roll while the theme from Dukes of Hazzard plays under them, but it's Raven so he added a boom bap beat under the theme and then had someone screw and chop it.
24. STATIK SELEKTAH'S 'SPELL MY NAME RIGHT: THE ALBUM' CDRM: A couple of songs into this, I was all ready to go and declare, "Hey! Finally a good ass hip hop album," but by the end of a couple of listens, I was jaded again already. But don't get me wrong, this is a really good CD, with quality guests and definite old school head smile-making beats with familiar interpolations and more boom and bap than blip and snap. Still though, it becomes far too obvious a mixtape by the end of it, and I miss the days when someone could make an entire CD, with an actual unifying concept of some sort to tie it together, so that instead of just hearing some guys fire me up on a track or two, you can hear what the fuck someone has to say on a variety of tracks in a variety of styles. Everybody's become one-trick ponies and CDs are just a collection of recognizeable names doing their one-trick all together and that's supposed to make it special and worth me shucking out my hard-conned money for. Shit, that's just as much a reason for the rise in illegal downloading as just people being able to do it. The record industry has ripped people off for decades with shoddy artistic creations and expect us to just keep on doing that shit. And people who make music now have grown up in that and think a brilliant concept is having a wacky anime cover to the CD. Fuck.
Nonetheless, if when you think of Tha Rill Shit, you think of shit like Premier and Diamond and such, this CD will probably be a welcome respite from all the computerized shiny-things-are-awesome crap you've been force fed for more than the past the decade which has caused you to think stupid shit is good simply because the other shit is so godawful stupid actually does seem good.
JD: Raven is such a cynical fuck. In our secret lair, we talked about how this might be an album that gets a positive review from us. Then Crack Mack had to jab the album with complaints about no unifying concept? Fuck man, I think every album since Prince Among Thieves hasn't had any sort of unifying concept. I feel we are just chomping at the bit to hate on something and we have to pick out any tiny detail and shit all over it. But I ain't doing it.
This album is on the Funkmaster Flex/Tony Touch deal where a mess of artists who respect the dude hosting it spits a verse or two making the whole album. So I think there is a concept here.
Seriously, this is good, and I have a problem saying anything negative about it.
RM: Yeah man, not smoking when you really want to smoke can instill some disgruntlement in a motherfucker. I did give it a backhanded compliment for the most part though, but I suffer from faggot whiteboyness where I believe there's this fantastical ghetto neighborhood where all the children either sing in happy hook unison or maybe the one hard-looking kid knows how to flip a razor blade with his tongue in slow motion while sitting on his bike, and the black guys who rap rap great things in great ways and when they die from shooting each other over minor squabbles they all go to gangsta heaven where the Newports flow freely and there's endless white pussy that can never make a baby, no matter how hard you don't use a condom.
25. KIM KARDASHIAN'S REALITY SHOWMD: Kim Kardashian, aka the hottest woman on earth, has her own reality show just like everyone else now and I tried to stomach an episode (which honestly wasn't too hard, because I really enjoy staring at Kim Kardashian) and from what I gather, she has like 20 sisters. I'm not sure how many are real and how many are fake, but there's some younger ones who are teetering the line of becoming sluts, then there's some more around the same age of Kim who are far less attractive and attempt to be sluts but are ultimately jealous of how hot and slutty Kim is.
Then she has a fake dad, who definitely wants to fuck her, and he's always saying stuff like, "Kim has to watch what she does" and then mentions some slutty thing Kim has done in the past, and I'm not a psychology major, but I know well enough that when every time you bring up your step-daughter, you also mention how she's a dirty little sexy slut, that usually means you want to stick it in her.
Lastly is Kim's real mom, who is like a total slut and you can see how Kim is being swayed into being a slut by her mom. It's all real weird shit. There's this whole perverted family of sluts and closet sluts and a dude who wants to fuck sluts, but when it comes down to it, Kim is the only one hot (or old) enough to be a serious five tool slut and they all live vicariously through her sluttiness. God bless America.
BWT: I guess Kim Kardashian is hip hop since her ass is straight up ridiculous and she blew Brandy's brother. I haven't seen this show but I have seen a youtube clip where her young sister who looks to be about nine is pole dancing and I guess stuff like that isn't a big shock in 2007 but I was floored. I guess they probably teach pole dancing in some 3rd grade gym classes now 'cause this girl brought it on the pole like she was a pro. Having a show on A&E or E! or whatever this is on brings in the money and that's all that family gives a fuck about, so I'm sure they wont mind the sex tape the young pole dancer makes with Hurricane Chris in a few years as long as they get a cut.
RM: I tend to be contrarian over a lot of shit, just because I hate people. Thus, I don't think Kardashian is like the uber-hot Ms. All That others do. But Mike is Italian and has a punjab pussy fetish, so she sort of fits his ideal look. I mean, don't get it wrong, I'd fuck her like mad if I had the chance, but shit, I'd fuck the fat chick working the register at the Dollar General, so that's not saying much.
Anyways, all this slut talk and pole dancing 3rd graders makes my head ache. I have two daughters, the oldest 8, and a third chillun on the way. We thought we had lost that bama and don't have insurance so we went to the Planned Parenthood clinic to go get a ghetto-priced ultrasound (meaning free). There were anti-abortion people sitting on the sidewalk out front, which bugged me, because those fuckers are always protesting bullshit and I wasn't even trying to murder my unborn baby. They should chill. But you can't confront them people because they think they got God on their side, plus they got the law on their side too. So I just took that shit to the next level.
They sit out front of the abortion clinic by a main thoroughfare with big signs about killing babies and shit and how Jesus loves babies, and you can't fuck with them. But you can set up like ten feet down from them on the same sidewalk with big signs that say "I'M WITH STUPID" and an arrow pointing to them, and just hang out quietly like they do. I've been doing that four or five afternoons a month since the day we had to go get an ultrasound, and it's been funny as fuck. One day, they had one of those uber-righteous blank-eyed dudes who was like the Jesus Camp kid growed up, and he got all up in my face about me being a devil or some shit, and I just answered, "Hey man, I'm just with stupid. That's all." He must've called the cops because a cop showed up, eyed my signs, and then talked to the dude with a lot of shoulder shrugging and then left. It's been a lot of fun. Did you know that pro-life protesters a lot of times aren't reading the Bible when they just sit there protesting abortion? I was shocked. So I've taken to reading the Bible while sitting there with my "I'M WITH STUPID" signs all set up, because that just confuses them fuckers even more. Plus, the Bible has a lot of fun shit in it. Revelations is like Immortal Technique on opium and honey t'ej.
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