I had promised myself I’d do this gimmick every first Monday of every month going up to the election, but my dick has not been hard for internet-tomfoolery this past week or two, much less the incredibly wasted effort of even thinking about politics. Seriously, every major candidate could die tomorrow in plane crashes, and then we’d get a new slew of candidates, and then they could die, and you could repeat that shit like five or six times before next November, and we’d still have nothing but shitheads. That’s why I think the original hashishin assassin cult was such a great idea, because it attached a religious fervor to killing a motherfucker in public, and if people running for office knew that instead of just sitting around doing speaking engagements and collecting fat pensions they might get their throats slit before they finished being a dirtbag politician, we might have better people doing this shit. Or at the least, the child molesting white dude scumbags who make up our politician base would at least try a little hard to leave some a scrap of meat on the bones they throw the rest of us to make us give a fuck once every four years.
Anyways, here are the seven fuckers I’d be most likely to vote for if the election were this week, keeping in mind that I will only actually vote for someone if they end up being on the actual ballot in my pseudo-southern state of Virginia.
#1: LANAKILA WASHINGTON (Humanist Party candidate) - Mr. Washington is still my number one man, and until I’m sure he’s not on the ballot in Virginia, which he never will be, he’ll probably stay here. I like his Nation of Gods and Earths-style pseudo-science combined with the artistic utopia aspirations of a new age cult hippie. In fact, I have taken to, in my slow times, writing Humanist Party pamphlets that I type up to work as tri-fold one-sheet deals that I print up at the local copy shop where this Hip Mama type punk hippie Whole Foods tattoo whore who has a hankering for me works at, and then we fold them up together, sharing happy-eyed flirts and playful squeezes at each other’s hips and thighs, and I take the pamphlets and leave them in public bathrooms. I’ve been meaning to tell the print shop slut I’m a happily married man, but I haven’t wanted to ruin her hooking me up with free copies. And plus, I might want to cheat on my wife one day.
#2: RON PAUL (Republican Party candidate) - Holmes moved up from my last list, and is the highest placing person who actually stands a legitimate shot to make my state’s ballot. I’ve even heard Paul might run as a third party pseudo-Libertarian candidate, although a lot of the polls show him doing fairly well against the lackluster Republican candidates, and he got like a ton of money donated to him in one day. Apparently, paranoid ass Gen X-er fuckfaces (of which I’m probably one, demographically speaking) like him because of his Libertarian antics and wanting to just do shit by the Constitution. The Libertarian Party is like revolution-light for people who really want to question authority but don’t want to mess up their mortgages and nice credit lines they were born into. It’s like pretend revolution where you just go back to those wonderful simplified and romanticized perfections of how America was created, but with modern open-minded societal standards. I don’t know one person who considers themselves a Libertarian who has more than maybe one gun, so they’re not for-real revolutionaries. The fact of the matter is, voting for shit won’t change shit, no matter how many stupid Democrats you fucks elect next year. It’s like dying because all you’ve been drinking is Pepsis, and you go, “Shit man, if only I could drink Coke, I’d be healthy again.” I guess Libertarians are like RC Cola or maybe high fructose corn syrup-sweetened root beer.
#3: GENE AMONDSON (Prohibition Party candidate) - You know, last time I did this shit, I was pretty much downing almost a 12-pack a night, and I think Gene Amondson's funny-to-me website tricked me into not drinking anymore. I only drank half-a-beer the whole month of November, and haven’t touched a drop yet this month. I never really felt like an alcoholic so much as a dude who drank a lot out of habit and nothing better to do (or drink really). I’ve also tried to quit drinking sodas, so there’s not shit to really drink that makes me happy anymore. Luckily, drinking red eyes so much of the time when it’s warm has given me a pseudo-drink as I just fill mason jars with ice, tomato juice, and water, and drink that shit. Since my heavy drinking was mostly habitual attachment to the five or six things I do in life, this replaces the habitual action, although drinking all that tomato juice gives a motherfucker some serious acid belly feelings. If I don’t wanna drink alcohol nor soda, I’ve noticed how fucked I am at restaurants, because those are pretty much your two choices. If I get an apple juice or something, you run the chance of them bringing out a juice box thinking it’s for my kid or whatever. Anyways, I still find the fact a grown dude would think banning alcohol would solve all of America’s ills crazy hilarious, and would ironically vote for this guy seven times if he gets on my ballot, just to see if he does his Grim Reaper outfit sermon from the 1920s schtick as President, and then how he’ll change such a one-trick schtick as he realizes everybody’s already saw that one and he has to do something new or he’ll get assassinated. Then again, that will martinize him. Maybe assassins will go back to that hashishin shit I was talking about before, except they’ll be drunken cults. “Drunken cults”... even though I’m not drinking that much anymore, I can still respect the beauty of such a phrase. I’d join them motherfuckers in a heartbeat. I don’t want to not drink, I’m just trying to cleanse my system out because I could feel the poisons making my mind dull. Once I get my mind’s edges all sharpened the fuck back up, you best believe I’m gonna be drinking again, because nothing is more awesome in my 34 years of life experience than having sharp ass mentality full of kooky literary sounding crazy talk combined with drunken physical inhibitions. That is a recipe for kick ass.
#4: JOHN TAYLOR BOWLES (National Socialist Party candidate) - Some of the pieces of the platform Bowles is running on really speak to me. Namely, the elimination of all credit debt and abolition of the predatory credit system that is undermining America’s future, as well as the monthly stipend for all unworking Americans. These are things as the richest nation on Earth, we should want to provide for each other. My biggest gripes with Bowles are probably related to his deportation of all non-whites from America and no longer allowing non-whites to live here. But at the same time, it would be neat if somebody could do like a mini-segregation experiment to see what happened. Like that would be a good reality show. The greatest thing about John Taylor Bowles and the National Socialist Party, and at the same time what makes them seem even less credible than they already are with their outlawing of non-whiteness in comic sans font, is the fact they are actually dressed just like those dudes in The Blues Brothers in those little Hitler/Boy Scout den leader combo outfits. That’s some funny shit, and it makes me imagine Bowles riding around South Carolina in a little red stationwagon, campaigning outside of rural flea markets to get on the ballot in his home state.
#5: JOHN EDWARDS (Democratic Party candidate) - In all the hullaballoo about there being a prominent black dude and woman dude running for Demorican nomination, it is lost that it's a sweep of multicultural horizons about to be shattered as there's a gay dude running too in John Edwards. Now, I would never vote for a Democrat ever, because if I had to choose between one of the two major parties, I'd much rather choose some God-ordained retard Republican who will make gallops towards armageddon as opposed to pussy Democrats who prefer the two-step Bojangles shuffle towards armageddon. Edwards is my least favorite of probably every candidate ever, but I wanted to give him some gloss this month, and I would vote for him probably right now, because I find it hilarious his whole "Ah'm just like y'all... mah daddy was poor just like you all... he worked in a shitty factory that shut down just like y'all did... ah can feel you all's pain," then he hops into his limo with his little weasel lawyer ass to suck a Puerto Rican's dick before going back to Marriott where he meets his wife for dinner in the Presidential Suite. Check this out John Edwards... I was born a doomed broke ass too, and am probably the most successful member of my extended family in this generation as I am still married to the person I’ve made children with and I sort of own my own business even though I keep it off the books like The Beatnuts to scam earned income credit workingman welfare. Like five years ago, my dad stroked himself to death mostly because fortysomething men shouldn’t be drinking a fifth of vodka daily and spend their weekend time staying awake snorting crank. After we buried him, someone took a picture of me, my two sisters, and my two step-brothers in front of the dilapidated Plymouth Arrow pick-up truck my dad had spray-painted an American flag on. You know where we all are now John Edwards, Mr. I’m Just Like You and Know Your Southern Gothic Pain Together We Can Get ‘Er Done? Well, I told you about my shady shit, but I sort of quit drinking I think, though it could just be me freaking out about having another kid next month and by this time next year I’ll be a fortified wine-crippled hobo claiming F.T.R.A. and killing crusty punks for fun. One sister is a little too much like my dad, but could turn it around, she’s still kinda young. Other sister had a brief spell of meth addiction while emotionally attached to a crackhead boyfriend who tried to kill them both by crashing their car into some bullshit one night. She’s straight now and doing good, promising career as a waitress in a small town pizza joint. One step-brother I talked to this week, he’s in Charlotte now, working in a fast food joint, and is in the National Guard and was supposed to get shipped to help guard the southwest border, but he couldn’t leave the state being out on bond, so he’ll get shipped to I think Iraq next summer if he beats his charges. Those charges stem from the other step-brother who robbed a convenience store after hours and got his brother implicated somehow, but now is unimplicating him apparently. That step-brother’s been in the regional jail since June because no one bloodline related to him (I was till death do us part, and like I said, my dad died, so fuck them people) can afford to bail him out, being his mom works at Wal-Mart and has her own pending charges from getting mauled by her new fiancé’s daughter. I was thinking about going down there to visit him on Monday (that’s visiting day) and put $20 on his books, because I used to work with a lot of guys on work release from there and I know you can’t even get an aspirin for a headache if there’s no money on your books, it being a privatized jail working for profit not rehab. What I’m getting at Mr. Edwards is fuck you and your “I’m just like you” bullshit. I have never hated a candidate in my life as much as you, because usually them fuckers don’t try to pull that hokey shit like they can relate to me. They just write me off, rightfully so, as dirty blooded white trash doomed to not vote, not care, and procreate just enough to keep the drywall hung and carpentry carpented in the subdivisions they build to rip off the middle classes with. Although I guess with the illegals in full effect at a lower wage and without all the complaining like this rant but at a jobsite about other bullshit, you fucks will probably phase us out now. But fuck you Mr. John Edwards. You ain’t winning shit because nobody believes your bullshit and none of us shitty hopeless southerners believe you give half a shit. You’re a lawyer in a suit, so no matter how twangily you talk and how many country diners you get a hamburger steak at, you might as well be a fucking bagel-stuffed Jew from Boston, you fake ass piece of shit. Also, we can all tell you’re a fag. Just because you claim North Carolina instead of Tennessee - the traditional southern homosexual enclave state - doesn’t trick us, because we all know by now that whole triangle Raleigh/Durham area has mad gay shit going on.
#6: JONATHON SHARKEY (Vampire, Witches, & Pagan Party candidate) - He is a fortysomething fake ass vampire from New Jersey who, of course, refers to himself as The Impaler, so automatically everything about him makes me cringe. Yet this early on in the field of outlandish retards who decide to "run" for President, he's about the best one we've got. It is a common stereotype to mock these vampire pagan types, but have you ever really met some? When we were pregnant with our first baby, we had Bradley method birthing classes with a pagan couple, and man oh man, they were wacky. Like, I'm a wacky dude, believing some fucked-up shit and living my life by strange and unproven codes that probably only make sense to me, but there's a humor in my beliefs and life. I can smile and interact with most other people of any walk of life. The whole vampire pagan types seem to be first class misfits who attempt to make their misfittery into some sort of undiscovered genius cool kids club, but then they even kinda hate each other because they realize what a bunch of fucking losers they're hanging out with, and that makes them question themselves even further, causing more black velvet dresses to be worn and celtic runes to be cast over trivial psychological dramas. Just in case someone googles this dude and is some sort of vampire pagan fucker, here is what I can tell you. We all are ugly people, plus stupid. The trick is to accept your stupidity and chill with it enough to find funny shit in how stupid you are, because if you laugh at your own dumbass, it takes the edge off of others doing that shit. Also, flaunt your ugliness in tricky ass ways to make it sexy. I'm a big goofy motherfucker, but I got mad bitches double taking at me and flirting like sluts, because I carry my shit with enough confidence to trick them into thinking I have a large enough dick to create orgasms that don't involve a tongue on their clit repetitively like you always have to do.
#7: RUTH BRYANT WHITE (no party affiliation) - Fuck Barack Obama and his bi-racial ass (he's bi-racial, right?), because the for-real candidate for multi-racial aficionados is this Ruth Bryant White chick, who’s from Colorado or Utah or somewhere out there in just-past-midwest-wasteland-but-not-quite-west-coast, married to a white dude, and she looks kinda like she’d be the uglier sister of Craig’s mom from Friday. She is my #7 candidate right now, and would probably jump at least two spots if she’d just go ahead and make up some sort of party name for her candidacy like every other local oddball who has no legitimate shot always does. She should be larger in our consciousness though, because while everybody’s all “Whoa, we could have our first black President... or even our first woman President,” we could just all vote for her and kill two birds with one stone. Also, apparently, she was the first person to declare her candidacy for this 2008 election. (And actually, upon further review, it looks like Ruth’s grown her hair out or gotten a weave or something, and she’s looking better now, good enough for me to want to make sexual euphemisms using “her oval office”, but I’m kinda busy right now gearing up to masturbate while taking a shower. I just can’t figure out which of my friend’s wives to think about fucking, so I’ll probably go for a New Year’s Eve party, me and two drunk wives the last ones awake in the basement “Hey, let’s play a game” ending up with me fucking this big-tittied from on top while the other one licks my ass fantasy. But no fingers up my ass. Fingers in my ass feel like that scraping tool dentists use, and only stops all sexual feelings in me and makes me want to smack the shit out of everybody in the room. I am not the type that has that add to my sexual fantasy, although I did try to masturbate to that once, but I had to make a sexy woman cop come arrest me to finish the fantasy in a sexually exciting way.)
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