#1: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (8-4, #8 overall) - Oh good, Shaun Alexander is back just in time to help the Seahawks flame out - no pun intended - in the playoffs. They did alright there while he was out turning into a Madden-like offense with Hasselfuck spreading the ball amongst his large array of cast-off wide receiver second-level superstars. But now Alexander is back to help the team have it’s proper pussy bitch-when-punched-in-the-face reverse smashmouth personality so they can suck it up against a wild card team in the playoffs. THE FUTURE for the Seahawks involves winning their weak ass division, then getting dogged at home in the wild card round, probably against the Giants. Although Mike Holmgren’s part of that Bill Walsh freemason illuminati coaching tree, so they might get automatically advanced into the divisional playoffs to lose to Green Bay in a symbolic Mike Holmgren vs. Brett Favre ceremonial game to help Favre have memory-laden playoff luster for his run this year.
#2: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (7-5, #11 overall) - I have pointed out time and again this year how magically mediocre Norv Turner is, and it’s hilarious to see it play out just like that. The Chargers, one of the best three teams in the NFL without doubt coming into the season, now barely above .500 and only guaranteed a playoff spot because they play in the AFC West where every team is one more key injury away from getting next year’s first overall pick in the draft. I feel sorry for Chargers fans because fuck, you have Antonio Gates and L.T. together, and Philip Rivers is serviceable enough to handle distribution without fucking it up too bad, and you don’t have two great offensive players like that on the same team for that many years, and this is another one the Chargers are squandoring. But what do you do? On one hand, they fired Schottenheimer after what... 14-2 last year, so the precedent is set to fire Turner. But you can’t fire a dude after on season who makes the playoffs, even if they backed into it by beating out an impotent division. And who do you get if you do dump Norvell? The point is, if you are a Chargers fan, you are fucked for a couple of years with this deal, and that’s a couple of years of L.T.’s career wasted away. THE FUTURE for the Chargers will be the playoffs, and there’s no way they can go into Indy or Boston and win in January, but honestly, they most likely will get the Jags in the wild card round and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them suffer another heartbreaking home loss this year. And next year, more heartache and pain.
#3: ARIZONA CARDINALS (6-6, #18 overall) - The only thing stopping the Cardinals from running their inside track to the final playoff spot in the NFC is the fact they are ultimately the Cardinals. It’s not like that franchise has a history of delivering on it’s potential, and when you throw in the exclamation point of fumble-happy Kurt Warner at quarterback, it only makes it worse. But they do seem like they might have the easiest path to steal that last spot. Of course, this means they will probably lose to the 49ers because of a safety or some retarded 1957 type shit that never happens nowadays. THE FUTURE of the Cardinals involves more failed graspings at high expectations, regardless of whether they make the playoffs or not. They are the Cardinals and play in Arizona, meaning nobody gives a fuck, not even their own players.
#4: DENVER BRONCOS (5-7, #21 overall) - The big news this week from the Broncos was how Travis Henry beat his drug suspension using mad science to prove how it was second-hand reefer smoke that caused him to fail. In all the sports radio/internetting talking on this subject, everyone makes comedic mention of how he has nine children by nine women. Even though most of these talking heads/sportswriters would have you believe they are as open-minded as a homosexual unitarian in a gentrified neighborhood, there is inherent racism in them complaining about this, because you can sense the “what a nigger” just below the surface, and I’m sure all these fuckfaces wish there was a really derogatory word that wouldn’t make black people so angry that they could use to describe black people who do what they deem as stupid shit like Travis Henry. I, for one, stand against that. I wish I had nine children by nine women. Childbirth has been a beautiful experience for me both times I was there to see it, as animalistic and emotional as sex, but on the other end of the spectrum. I would love to share that wonderful DNA bond with a plethora of beautiful women, of all shapes and colors. Like lately, I’ve been into skinny chicks with puffy nipples, and that type of scrawny chick looks really stretched out when full of a baby, and it’s a hot ass look for them. Obviously, they’re much hotter without the baby because I’m always afraid I’m gonna poke the baby in the head when trying to knock the bottom out of that shit with my six inch grinder. You never want a breached birth because of the dangers involved, but I know I wouldn’t feel as weird if my dickhead was thrusting towards a baby’s foot than a baby’s head. I think it’s weird how people get so uptight about making babies with a bunch of different people, as if making babies was some precious emotional contract. Shit man, we’re animals and the best way to survive is make more animals. The more I spread my genetics throughout the genetic pool into as many different corners as I can. (I’m assuming the genetic pool is a rectangular Olympic-style pool as opposed to a kidney-shaped one without corners, or it would be like that joke about how do you confuse Jackson Pollock? You take him into a round room and tell him to piss in a corner.) Props to Travis Henry. I hope he makes a new baby with a new baby’s mama to celebrate his newfound not-suspendedness. THE FUTURE of the Broncos? I don’t know. Running backs getting thousands of yards behind a cheap shot offensive line, and ratface Mike Shanahan attempting to hide his NAMBLA membership card behind his weak ass scowl. Plus a lot of horseface Elway retrospectives about their glory years those two years when they didn’t lose the Super Bowl yet again.
#5: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (4-8, #27 overall) - Outside of the power mullet prowess of Jared Allen, this has been a horrible year for the Chiefs. Luckily for them, they play in the shittiest division in the AFC, so they could at least have that quick run where they were in first by default and could pretend they were like one or two key players away from a Super Bowl. Such nonsense thinking will probably buy Herm Edwards another year. And what’s up with mulatto people always getting referred to as black? Herm Edwards’ mom is like a thick-faced German lady, as white as can be. Can’t I call Herm a white coach? Or can we finally just give up this black and white bullshit and just call mulattos mulattos? Or is that derogatory too? I guess it is, because I’ve read “bi-racial” in the same fruity magazines that say things like “permafrost” and have allegedly witty cartoons with Dick Cheney eating babies while shooting his friends in the face outside a Wal-Mart. THE FUTURE for the Chiefs is to continue to be mediocre with like three or four awesome players, like always, who are never enough to make them a great team, but just enough to keep them relevant enough to fill Arrowhead Stadium with a bunch of dumb midwesterners who think you should barbecue the already tasty meat of a cow. Everybody knows that barbecue sauces were meant to make the devilish flesh of a pig sweet or tart enough to taste good with some cole slaw as a hamburger-style sandwich. Barbecued ribs... what the fuck? Next thing you know, you’ll try to convince me that it’s somehow better to use dry spices instead of an actual sauce. Fucking hick ass idiots. Thank God I’m from the South, where we have actual black people and universities more often than every 200 miles through cornfields.
#6: ST. LOUIS RAMS (3-9, #28 overall) - Hard to believe the Rams were right there with the Dolphins at O-for-the-season last time we went through this shit. They’ve whipped up three wins, and Stephen Jackson is doing fairly well even though the offensive line is all sorts of fucked up right now. Shit, if Frerotte hadn’t fumbled away that one game, they’d have won four in a row (or four out of five... I ain’t looking that shit up, and if you know I’m wrong, then congratulations, you know your football numbers trivia good). THE FUTURE for St. Louis is hard to say. I mean, they kinda sucked this year, but they had injuries. But their coach, who is not Mike Martz, has not really proven himself. But they’re also in the NFC West, meaning if they ended up scoring a gamebreaker linebacker in the draft or free agency, and they could squeeze another year out of their 200-year-old wide receiving corps, they could be NFC West champs next year. But just as easily, they could only be better than the 49ers next year.
#7: OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-8, #30 overall) - Jamarcus Russell has finally played. My stupid fantastical football team has not had a good running back all year, so I’ve been doing the scrap heap thing for the most part (which has helped me be #1 mothefuckers), and the past couple weeks my Earnest Graham, Chester Taylor, and Justin Fargas of the Raiders RBs have been my best performers since I got screwed by auto drafting Deuce McAllister and Stephen Jackson in the beginning. I have no idea who the fuck Justin Fargas is, and he sounds like he could even be white, which would be great. At one point, I was researching out all these stupid top 40 lists to do on a blog (because I’m a numbers nerd) and two of the ones I was gonna do was NFL’s all-time leading white rushers, as well as NFL’s all-time leading black passers. With Mike Alstott retired, there’s no real white running back who gets yardage beyond the normal concussion-happy fullback mode of “here’s the boy go pound yourself brain first into that two thousand pound pile of humanity ahead of you” left in the NFL. So I will pretend Justin Fargas is a white dude. THE FUTURE for the Raiders, if they get even mediocre and wild card contendable behind Russell and whatever they land with their high draft pick this offseason, is astronomical jersey sales. Those black jerseys are classic material and would sell easy as fuck if anybody knew anybody on the Raiders, and those alternate grey jams are even hotter. When I was buying the markdown fuckers at the outlet store earlier this year, I passed up the alternate grey Lamont Jordan for some fucking number 23 bright blue alternate UCLA jersey, because I didn’t really have any super bright clothes. I got on a kick where everybody around me was either one of those alt.country recovering pseudo-hippies or straight up rednecks with minor hippie tendencies, and both of those types of people wear earth tones almost exclusively, and I wanted to be contrarian. I’ve actually been wanting a bright purple or lime green stocking hat for the wintertime, but seriously, the only single-color jams I have found are black or blaze orange. Everything else has some goofy Von Dutch or OC Choppers bullshit embroidery or patch on it. I don’t want patches and embroidered shit, just a blank hat. If I want something embroidered on it, I’ll take my single-color bright purple hat, and have my wife hand embroider a gold star on it, with maybe - in bright purple thread with lavendar thread underside embossing - GOD’S HAT in a nice freehand bubble font.
#8: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (3-9, #31 overall) - In my lifetime, the Miami Dolphins and San Francisco 49ers played in a Super Bowl. No shit. THE FUTURE of the 49ers, you would think involves crazy success, because their coach wears a suit. If ‘80s movies taught me anything, it’s that dudes who wear suits are mad successful. I would imagine if he drives a Delorean with those spaceship Lambo doors, and wears some high dollar aviator sunglasses during practice, the 49ers are even more bound for success.
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