Down to the final three weeks, and mostly we know what we need to know about all teams, so it's just time to gorge ourselves on material gluttony while the regular season wraps up, and get down to the quality one-and-done goodness of the playoffs come January. I have hit a second wind and am stoked for the football again. It's helped that the local shitty classic rock station has run one of this pick-every-game-and-win-shit contests on their website, and I'm currently in first for the season to win some fucked up flat screen home entertainment theater set-up bullshit, and even if it's generic ass cheap shit where the LCD stands for lead cancer disease, it's gonna be an upgrade from my old ass 32-inch that is not digitally equipped (I have one of those romulators or whatever hooked up to my DVD machine to make that shit work) and I actually go outside the house in my old man sandals to twist the metal pole running up the side of the house to aim the antenna-ish contraption on top towards whatever direction makes it snow less and the sound come out clear enough to understand. Actually, I'm a second place, but first place is one of their DJs and I'm assuming that fucker can't actually win the prize, so I'd win by default being in second. Either way, I'll pass that fucker, although I think I karmically jeopardize it by mentioning it on the internet. Oh well, I've never been a smart man, and have a hard time keeping all my superstitions straight, which is why I've always been cursed in life. Nonetheless, here's our last swing through the East division teams for the year, with futuristic prognostication included, because it's obvious I know what I'm talking about since I'm some faggot on the internet...
#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (13-0, #1 overall) - A lot is being made of this Jets/Patriots blood feud showdown where the Pats are expected to score 137 points to rub the Mangenius's face in his own cowardly complaints to the NFL about how the Patriots cheated like every motherfucker has always cheated in the NFL, making all the mark ass fans be all like, "Ooh, they cheated, Spygate, I'm a huge fucking twat sitting here watching 17 hours of football-related programming every Sunday and I'll just regurgitate everything they fucking tell me, stupid Belichick." A lot of football talking head chatter a month or so back revolved around whether the Patriots were running the score up on people, and the consensus talking head meme opinion seemed to be, "Hey man, this is the NFL, so if you don't want them to run the score up, stop them, play some defense and don't get completely fucked up." Now I love football as much as anybody else, but ever since the year the Ravens won the Super Bowl, it was pretty obvious to me that the NFL was a more updated and less reactionary sports entertainment form along the lines of wrestling, but more geared towards engineering public consciousness as opposed to mirroring it with demon voodoo dudes or evil rich guys. And the Patriots rise to dominance in a post-9/11 world has seemed to not be any accident to me, what with Tom Brady being a previously unheralded 6th round draft pick from Michigan (which has a large CIA program on-campus, according to this old John Birch Society fucker who used to run a bookstore near me), and Bill Belichick being a Navy man from his youth when his dad coached there. Brady sitting beside the first lady during Bush's State of the Unions that time or two is no coincidence either. These motherfuckers are two key ingredients in a football-style Manchurian Candidate MK:Ultra master-plan meant to get us Americans - the only ones to watch the footballs we watch - to feel better than the rest of the World, when they watch our Super Bowl in massive numbers to see the commercials and shit. But I've probably ranted about all that before. How does this relate to the Patriots running up the score, you may ask? Well, it is the nuclear option. We have refrained as a country from dropping tactical nuclear weapons ever since Hiroshima and Nagasaki got knocked the fuck out in the '40s. But don't think them motherfuckers doing the cash grab right now before American prominence drops aren't toying with the idea of busting that bold move out their bag of tricks. And it is pretty obvious the Patriots have run the score up on people, and that - up to this point in NFL history - has always been a shitty thing to do. Yet this year, suddenly, the talking head consensus is "fuck it, they're good enough to do that shit." It is conditioning to instill in us, as fat useless Americans who watch the aforementioned 17 hours of football-related programming on Sundays, to not be shocked or awed when they drop a nuke on Iran or Pakistan or wherever. The thing that fucked this up for the Patriots is Iran not having nuclear weapons anymore, according to the newspaper article I didn't bother to really read beyond the headline the other day. (It should be noted first Patriots Lombardi trophy was the year war in Afghanistan started, second was the year the war in Iraq started, and the third was probably thrown in to keep us gung ho.) Without any need to drop a nuclear weapon or twenty on Iran since American troops (aka broke ass fuckers born into locales with no hope signing up to try and catch a carrot in they mouth) spread thin, the need for the Patriots to beat people by 40 points every week is not there. THE FUTURE for the Patriots is very simple, and I'll throw out my "this shit is fixed" attitude for a minute. They are going to lose one game this year, guaranteed. Longshot chance the Jets could do it, just to throw us all a curve, or maybe the Giants win that last week in a second-string showdown where neither team really gives half a fuck since their spot in the playoffs is secure. But if the Patriots run the regular season table, I would fully expect them to either lose in the AFC Championship to the Colts or in the Super Bowl after feeling they had it locked up from superior AFC, getting shocked by the Packers so Favre can retire in style and be given a token Arena League team as well to further the NFL's ultimate desires to make that a NFL minor league spring organization for player development.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (12-1, #3 overall) - You would think as a Redskins fan, I’d be hating on this year’s incarnation of the Cowboys, but oddly enough I’m not. I guess it’s because Tony Homo so royally fucked up last year’s playoff appearance that I’m not convinced he won’t be convinced he’s doomed to do it again. Also, with T.O., it’s like the team could blow up in full terminal franchise cancer within weeks, although I think they’ve done good enough this year, it’ll be next year. This is kinda like the year the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl and lost, and T.O. was on the sidelines waving his towel around with his broken ankle and all was good, until the next year when shit went buckwild. THE FUTURE for the Cowboys is just that, probably next year, when shit goes buckwild. I mean, you’ve got T.O., who has never been happy ever since he denies himself the satisfaction of his true inner-sexuality; and then you’ve got Romo who is all twinkly-eyed and hot bitch-associated just like Jeff Garcia was; all led by an interim coach at best in Wade Phillips. It is a recipe for eventual hilarity, and I am anxious to make fun of it.
#3: NEW YORK GIANTS (9-4, #6 overall) - Internet porn has ruined everything to where we are all inundated with several hundred thousand naked bitches images to the point we are desensitized like you used to have really dedicate yourself to being, and even then it would take a long lifetime's of drunken Bukowski-isms to really attain such a point in life. Fucking 14-year-olds are like that now though. This has created in me a strange fetish lately where I get really excited - not just like, "Ooh, she's hot," but straight up hard dick excited - when I see a cute girl with nice normal-sized non-enhanced breasts, all perky and shit in a regular shirt, with like some normal jeans on, maybe hanging low enough to show a nice contour of ass flesh but nothing crazy low or no scrawny hungry ass starving white bitch sexy physique like the glossy magazines try to push on us. And I've been looking for websites than have like sexy women in clothes, or chicks in one piece bathing suits or shit like that, but to no luck. It's all naked sluts sucking 19 dicks in a row. The Giants red alternate red jerseys are kinda nice, except I've never seen any red in their uniforms my whole life, except I think that red stripe on the helmet, but I'm not sure that's always been there or not. They act like the red jerseys aren't weird for the Giants though, like it's a Sunday night specialty that's always been that way. New York City, as awesome as it is to most of you fuckers probably, represents to me part of my two-fold godless fuckthisitude (along with Berlin, Germany) in that people are all like, "Everything is going on there," but I just to think to myself whatever fucked warped shit you could think of, like gay sexual kiddie scat clubs for example, probably exist in both NYC and Berlin, and there's probably down-low alleys with like four clubs for gay sex kiddie scat fetish exploration within like two blocks somewhere in those cities. I'm not down with that shit, regardless of how much awesome shit it has to go with it. This is also why the internet creeps me out at times, because I have children and I feel like the internet is a cybertronic porthole into NYC and Berlin's godless fuckthisitude, right in the comfort of my kitchen, so one second my kid is looking up Christmas wish list stuff at americangirl.com, and the next thing you know, some 300 lb. S&M freak named Heinrich is IMing my kids pictures of oblong penises. THE FUTURE for the Giants is oblong penises in back alleys in some dark corner of Brooklyn, all the young players turned onto fetishized non-female sex by Michael Strahan.
#4: BUFFALO BILLS (7-6, #13 overall) - Yesterday as I was riding home, some dude was in front of me at one of those left turn yields on green stoplights, and I was sitting there looking at his truck window and he had a bumper sticker, along with a couple of Marine ones, that said "HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LOADED WEAPON POINTED IN YOUR FACE? KEEP HONKING". Of course, this made me honk my horn impatiently on purpose, even though I wasn't impatient (and it also made me glad I never hooked up my Dukes of Hazzard horn, because you can never take that horn for anything other than a sign of "What's going on y'all?"). Dude driving looked to be one of those young pseudo-Italian American mutt Toby Keith with shorthair type redneck yankees you see all around these parts. I honked a couple more times, and he responded by waving an emphatic middle finger out his window (it was a nice ass day yesterday), and since my window was down to, I just laughed loudly and kept honking. Dude looked back and then screeched his tires into a left turn on red, peeling the fuck out and almost getting hit by a car running the red light in the opposite direction. It was hilarious. But if you're gonna be running around with a bumper sticker like that, you mights care old ladies and shit, or make your goomba closet fag friends laugh when they're following you to the sports bar to watch a bowl game over some overpriced chicken wings, but I'm gonna call you on that shit. And guess what? You ain't gonna do shit. And if you did, whatever, I don't give a fuck. I wish I'd die a lot of days because I get bored with this bullshit, but I don't really want to die, so I do ridiculous reckless things, which never kill me but give me crazy lulz to share with others at later times. The Buffalo Bills, right now, are this hearty team performing well beyond their expectations of late. But like that pussy marine dude in front of me yesterday, once they are actually called on this by a true NFL team, they will crumble. That may happen this weekend against the Browns, or they may continue to work their trickery, but if they were to play a real team at some point were they to make the playoffs, they'd be peeling out of the stadium looking like faggot chumps just like Mr. Semper Fi did. THE FUTURE for the Bills is not so good. I mean, their two-headed quarterback is two guys who aren't really that great, and one of them looks like a stoner. Really the only notable player of any awesomeness they have is Marshawn Lynch, and I somehow don't foresee a gold-toothed hyphy-dreaded slang-slurring bad ass going over too well in the long-term in a place that usually has two feet of snow and only 37 black guys in the whole city who aren't current or former members of the football team. I see Marshawn Lynch being a free agent superstar in a couple years, or dumped off at the end of his contract like Willis McGahee was this past year.
#5: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (5-8, #14 overall) - One of my favorite kids is this 10-year-old son of this lady I've been working a barter deal with. She teaches my wife plant voodoo and I do fancy-assed interior design seven colors in one room painting of her house in exchange. Her son is a funny ass kid though, and he's a big Eagles fan, so I always pick at his little wise ass about it. He talked his mom into getting me to paint his bedroom the Eagles colors, green with a silver strip around the top. I keep telling her we have to do it before the end of the season, because he used to be a 76ers fan too, but when A.I. went west, he started being a Nuggets fan, and I told her (and mocked him) that the Eagles will get rid of Donovan McNabb and then he won't like the Eagles anymore. It has her scared it's true, and he's all non-chalant, "Y'all are retarded" rolling his eyes about it because he's ten. So she calls me and leaves messages on my voice mail to try and set up me coming over to do that shit, but I haven't returned the call. I'm a busy man. I'm painting some shit before Christmas for a dude who I'm fairly certain used to be C.I.A. I've worked for former C.I.A. dudes before, including an old guy who lived in a house that James Madison's brother built or some shit and had wacky framed medals with pictures of him meeting Saudi looking sheiks or some such nonsense. Usually when I work for dudes like that, I get myself through the mindless boring nature of housepainting by imagining at any second ninjas on dirtbikes will pop out over the hill, coming to raid the house, but someone will have set up a razor wire between two trees to decapitate them. THE FUTURE for the Eagles does not involve three things, in domino effect: no more playoffs, no more McNabb, and no more Andy Reid. It might take another year or two for that last one to fall, but it's gonna fall.
#6: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (6-7, #21 overall) - It almost pains me that the Redskins still have a shot to sneak into the playoffs, because they don't deserve it to be honest, and if they did make it, it's not really an honor because then they'd just get punished by someone who actually is good. I have come to a point where, after he did that double time out shit against Buffalo at the end of the game, I don't think I want Joe Gibbs as my coach anymore. But he's definitely done good to accumulate perhaps the strangest collection of football players that an NFL team has collected in probably the last five or six years and maybe more. They have a team full of wacky ass motherfuckers. It's like North Dallas Forty, but for the free agency era, and free of whatever drugs they can actually test for according to collective bargaining bullshit. The problem is, if Gibbs goes, stupid Dan Snyder will not be smart enough to just promote Gregg Williams, who I think has earned that chance even if he did suck as a head coach in Buffalo, but Snyder will put out an all-points search for whatever overrated fuckface he can throw $7 million a year at, like Bill Cowher. How many decades did Cowher coach before he won a Super Bowl? Fuck that shit. Stay the course, but get a dude who's young enough to remember you can't call two fucking time outs in a row at the end of a game. THE FUTURE for the Redskins is to cause my ulcer to grow, so cheap macrobrewery beer leaks its poison interntally, creating early death for me.
#7: NEW YORK JETS (3-10, #30 overall) - Poor Chad Pennington's starting quarterback luster looks to be over, so I guess it's not too much longer before he's back off to Lord Pennington's summer estate to rape the Spanish housekeeper while her familia is mulching the fruit orchard, the symphony of sounds from their gas-powered garden tools drowing out her muffled cries of "Ayudarme... por favor," from inside the guest bedroom. Their new starting QB, Kellen Clemens, sounds like one of those dudes that the Madden game makes up for you to draft in the third round out of Hofstra or Utah State or some shit that has like one NFL player in the last 30 years but that's enough for Madden to have like four fake guys from there in every fake year's draft. My favorite is when you get black quarterbacks from Ivy League schools, like that shit's ever gonna happen in real life. Or white wide receivers from SEC schools. Or white guys named Jabbar. THE FUTURE of the Jets involves tons of shut-in losers who talk funny booing a bunch of stupid shit and getting all pissed off about the Jets sucking as if they haven't always sucked for most of these people's lifetimes.
#8: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-13, #32 overall) - This game against the crumbling Ravens will probably be the Dolphins last chance to not go O-for-the-season, and it leaves me in a tough position. On one hand, I'd love to see a team go winless, especially a team I have as much love for as tha Dogg Pound does for hoes, but it'd be just as great to see Brian Billick's eternally bloodsucking shitty ass get the wooden stake to his career hammered in a little bit deeper by losing to the Dolphins. THE FUTURE of the Dolphins is a #1 draft pick that I bet they draft an overhyped quarterback who performs mediocrely at best, and perhaps leading to a couple of wild card berths five years from now if Ronnie Brown is not broken in half by then.
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