Man, I had no idea how to really go about doing my final bullshit NFL weekly post, because no retard science can really interest me in this game. A few weeks back, I was in first in some local classic rock station's stupid contest to win a flat screen DVD bullshit set-up, but the Giants caused me to flame out, meaning I will never have a $1200 TV now (because I ain't spending that much money on some shit I just sit there and stare at like some zombie faggot, like I got real shit I could be doing other than fucking my own brain up happily at a high price tag), so it's still my shitty old school 32 inch motherfucker from 1990-something that my bro-in-law gave us for free as a present, which will be our TV again for another few years. (Oh yeah, some other dude gave us a nice non-new flat technology TV, but it was too big for the wardrobe cabinet my grandfather made that we use as our TV cabinet, so I gave it to some other folks who didn't have no TV at all... trickle down economics man. Fuck a tax rebate, they ought to just make rich fuckers put a bunch of stuff outside their gated communities for middle class fuckers to have, and then middle class fuckers could put all their old shit at the strip malls for poor people to get bused out and have. And then the poor people could burn all their old useless shit in abandoned buildings and the government could provide beer, those little cheap ass "drinks" that come in colors not flavors in fake ass plastic barrels with aluminum foil tops, and slimy red hot dogs by the dozens.)
But finally what I decided, not only to make a chickenshit salad post out of a chickenshit attitude towards this Super Bowl game, is to list out who I was pulling for and against, as individuals. I had thought about doing that same old corny Top 8 list with the helmets like all year, but what would I do? Offense, defense, special teams, and coaching? Man, that's fucking played. Every two-bit newspaper cockhole is doing that shit for Sunday's paper as we speak, so fuck that noise. I got my two lists of ten, each spot is either negative or positive points for my rooting ability, and by the end of this fucker I guess I'll figure out what I'm pulling for. I'll start at #10s and work up to #1s, and we'll let positivity start over negativity because I've been listening to a lot of Guru lately...
#10 DUDE I'M ROOTING FOR - GIANTS DEFENSIVE END OSI UMENYIORA. He's obviously by his name some sort of crazy foreigner who probably slow-cooked goats in his dorm room in college, and then John Dawson hipped me to this story of some chick talking about how ol' Osi likes to shit on chicks as a sexual kick. Man, in this time of everybody being all jaded and cynical about being American, what with wars and full of shit politicians running amok on cable TVto get our "vote" like two years from now or whenever that shit actually finally happens, it's good to just remember the American dream. Here's some African fucker who probably twisted scrap lead wire into toy cars as a youth, sniffed jenkem as a teenager, but made it to America, where he makes millions of dollars for chasing whiteboys with balls around, and gets to shit on full-grown American women for his own slimy pleasure. It's not only a slice of the American Dream, but it's a tale of African comeuppance as well. God bless motherfuckin' Osi Umenyiora. I hope he shits all over Ghiselle Souvilihana or whatever that model slut's name is that's got Brady sperms in her urethra. (Plus one point for the Giants, putting me at +1 a Giants fan this Sunday)
#10 DUDE I'M ROOTING AGAINST - PATRIOTS LINEBACKER JUNIOR SEAU. When Junior Seau was the only Samoan dude other than Mosi Tatupu in the NFL, and he played in San Diego where it was sunny and California and you could easily imagine the Boo-Yaa Tribe and all of Afa & Sika's nephews hanging out in the parking lot, lifting weights and giving each other tribal/cholo tattoos, Seau had this certain gangsta ass appeal as the crazy linebacker dude. But now that he's been playing for 29 years, including three or four in his latest post-retirement stint, hoping to clutch at a Super Bowl ring, and every NFL team seems to have like five former WAC players with names long on vowels and short on hard consonants, Junior Seau just seems like an old fucker who won't go away. I could give a fuck less how great a linebacker he was, there is nothing less impressive than old superstars riding some young players' collective jocks for a professional team sports title. I hope not only that Seau doesn't get his ring, but he tears his ACL or some shit and can never make another half-assed "Let me play like seven plays but get 39 camera shots standing around on the sideline being an intense veteran leader" attempt at a ring. Fuck him. (Minus one point for the Patriots, putting me at +2 for the Giants.)
#9 AGAINST - PATRIOTS COACH BILL BELICHICK. I don't really loathe Belichick like I have loathed other NFL coaches, I'm just sick of hearing people talk about him. It's gotten boring. I mean, I hated Bill Walsh and Jimmy Johnson far more than I could ever probably hate Belichick, but at the same time, that whole genius sweatshirt monotone interviews puts everybody on the injury report shit is getting tired. He should switch up his schtick and like want to wear suits on the sideline next year, but wear really flamboyant ass suits that Bryan Cox picks out for him, and do his media engagements in a fake British accent. (Minus two points for the Patriots, putting me at +4 for the Giants.)
#9 FOR - PATRIOT KICKER STEPHEN GOSTKOWSKI. Adam Vinateri was considered the most clutch stupid kicker ever, and maybe the first ever to get in the Hall of Fame (I think there ain't no homo ass kickers there right now, at least not dudes who were kicking specialists but probably some old school fuckers who were like linebacker/wide receiver/kicker), so when he got allowed to be a free agent fucker in Indy, the Pats went out and drafted this kid. He has done pretty well, and I like the fact he has one of those corny ass ethnic white person last names. You don't see enough of those anymore, what with rap music causing us all to fuck betwixt the races. Plus, half the kids nowadays take their mom's last name. It's nice to see a spunky little white dude named Gostkowski kicking extra points for the Patriots. I also think, again because of rap music, I have an affinity for guys with "-owski" names, because it used to be slang that a dick was called "Jimbrowski" or "Jimmy". UVA, back then, had an offensive lineman named Jim Dombrowski, and being I was young, I assumed he probably had the biggest dick ever. And I guess any time a football player is named Someshitowski, to this day, I assume he's packing a Haitian Special Police baton third leg, and what guy isn't stoked for another dude who's dragging such a sexual specimen around between his thighs? We would all have one if we could wish for it. (Plus two points for the Patriots, making it +2 for the Giants.)
#8 FOR - PATRIOTS WIDE RECEIVER WES WELKER. Stupid looking, average build white dude becomes superstar, just by being meticulous about doing what he's supposed to do with the Xs and Os. He ain't fast, flashy, or flamboyant. He's a stupid white dude still playing wide receiver in the NFL in 2008. It might be an unconscious deeply embedded racism within me, or it could just be the same contrarian asshole nature that loves black punters, but I will always be stoked for a white wide receiver in this day and age. Except Joe Jurivicius. I hate that fucker. (Plus three points for the Patriots, putting them ahead +1 in who I will apply my cosmic energy towards.)
#8 AGAINST - GIANTS OFFENSIVE LINEMAN CHRIS SNEE. To be honest, I just don't like Snee because he's Tom Coughlin's son-in-law. What's the fucking chances you'd get some chick pregnant whose dad is an NFL coach, and then end up being NFL caliber enough to play for that team? Slim and none, that's the chances. There's some athletic illuminati bullshit going on behind all this, and I can't really think of a lot more to it because I have yet to buy an old copying machine from a surplus store where the machine came from NFL headquarters and inside on the glass was a detailed flowchart and description of how NFL power structure since Bill Walsh powered his way to the top of the behind-the-curtain hierarchy shapes up, and where Coughlin fits in this, and what '70s NFL team coach or executive Chris Snee has lizard bloodlines to. (Minus 3 points for the Giants, making it +4 the Patriots.)
#7 AGAINST - GIANTS COACH TOM COUGHLIN. See above. Also realize that Coughlin is a born again holy roller who was as hardcore about his players being born again in the spirit of Jesus themselves as he was about them being five minutes early to meetings in Jacksonville. I doubt that's changed entirely since he went to New York, though the big storyline is how he changed so much this year, became so much more easy-going and shit. I guess either the zionist influence of Jew York weakened his will, or just the overall devilish influences of such a Babylonian metropolis did it, but whichever way, it would be funny if God (haha, I capitalized it like it not only exists but I should revere it) smote him down. Although his red ass face in that Packers game was funny, like he went skiing with goggles on and got sunburn everywhere except around his eyes. (Minus 4 pionts for the Giants, making it +8 for the Patriots.)
#7 FOR - GIANTS KICKER LAWRENCE TYNES. Damn, two kickers on the For list. Tynes is some sort of white foreigner (meaning either Norwegian or Australian, but I can't remember which), and he got into drunken fistfights as a Kansas City Chief. The ONLY way a professional football kicker can be awesome is if they are a drunken foreigner. Bonus points if you never played American college football (which I don't think Tynes ever did), and double bonus points if he's violated the NFL's drug policy by using recreational pharmaceuticals (which I have no idea whether Tynes has done, but I'm sure if he hasn't violated the test, it's because they weren't asking his piss the right questions.) (Plus 4 points for the Giants, cutting it to +4 for the Patriots.)
#6 FOR - GIANTS WIDE RECEIVER PLAXICO BURRESS. That "guarantee" interview thing from this week was the biggest non-story there ever was. Like, if that's bulletin board material, then the Patriots ought to just start sharing peanut butter pie recipes on the bulletin board too, because they're obviously over-sensitive faggots. Plaxico didn't say anything really shitty; he just straight up had confidence in his team, like you would want somebody to do. I guess Brady made a huffaw at the fact he only said the Pats would score 17, but he said 23 to 17. It's not like he said, "Man, those guys suck. We should be up by 3 touchdowns at halftime, and coast through the second half, flirting with dancers on the sideline. Get your popcorn ready." I also like it because I don't think Plaxico has practiced all year long, because of an ankle injury he's been nursing every day of the week except Sunday. You gotta respect a cat who's got his hustle together, doing as little as possible to stay paid, but doing just enough to keep from getting replaced. (Plus five points for the Giants, putting them back ahead +1.)
#6 AGAINST - PATRIOTS OWNER ROBERT KRAFT. I have read enough Howard Zinn essays on Industrial Age barons to know not to fucking root for guys whose last name is things that are in the store (or the store itself). Those types of old rich white dudes would gladly rape my children as they ate fancy hard crackers with a pate made of my ground brains. I know I cannot trust a guy named Kraft, and the fact that I think the previous owner was from the Gillette family makes it even worse. You know it was some Trading Places dollar bet bullshit, but instead of the wacky negro and the straight-laced innocent pawn white guy getting their comeuppance for feelgood movie shenanigans, Gillette and Kraft had Billy Ray Valentine and whatever Dan Akroyd's name was fellating each other for rolls of quarters that kept falling through a grate underneath them, but they would just fellate each other harder, hoping to get something. And old Gillette and Kraft were laughing it up, and Gillette goes, "You were Robert old pal, those two really do enjoy giving another man's penis a waxing, here's the Patriots." But then Kraft took care of tipping the caddies at the country club the next morning on their golf date. (Minus 5 for the Patriots, making it +6 for the Giants.)
#5 AGAINST - PATRIOTS QUARTERBACK TOM BRADY. It has been said to not hate the player, but rather hate the game. Except I rather love the game of football, so due to these special circumstances, I am required by personal oath to hate the player in this instance. There is nothing glowing that hasn't been already said about Tom Brady somewhere, and there is nothing hateful that you haven't heard one of your drunk ass friends who is a Jets, Dolphins, Colts, Raiders, or Steelers fan already say. So I will just leave it at I am actively rooting against Tom Brady, for the rest of his life. If he becomes a politician, I hope he loses. If his children play little league baseball, I hope they lose. If he plays shuffleboard in Florida upon retirement, I hope he always loses. If he gets skin cancer, I hope he loses then too. I want him to lose, all the time, forever. (Minus 6 points for the Patriots, so now it's +12 for the Giants.)
#5 FOR - FORMER GIANTS LINEBACKER LAWRENCE TAYLOR. If the Giants are in the Super Bowl, that means the real L.T. is gonna be around, circulating amongst parties, hopefully getting all coked up so his ultra-gacked up white eyeballs are popping out of his dark sweaty face, and he gets crazy Arizonan lingerie models sexed up. And if the Giants win the Super Bowl, that extends L.T. time by a couple of weeks. He'll be celebrating, even if by himself, until at least St. Patrick's Day. And as a kid who came of age in the '80s, L.T. represents a certain ethos of that time - flashy car and dangling earring, drugged up yet able to hold it down, and heading to the top only to crash back down about halfway back to where you started, which is still way above what you were back in the day, and plus you have awesome stories from your uber-decadent time at the top. I like that, and I like L.T. because of that, and it gives me hope that one day I can have sex with conjoined twins while we're all on E. (Plus 6 points for the Giants, and they are running away with it at +18 now.)
#4 FOR - GIANTS LINEBACKER ANTONIO PIERCE. Pierce played for a couple of season in Washington for the Redskins, and he was the no-nonsense, offensive schematic-reading, reverse quarterback style middle linebacker that today's gimmick-ridden NFL defenses require. Except most linebackers are protein-fed halfwits. Not Antonio Pierce though, and that time the Redskins decided not to even make a meager match to the Giants offer, being Pierce was a restricted free agent or some shit at the time (or maybe he just wanted to stay in Washington, I can't remember), that is one of about a thousand times I dreadfully remember every morning I wake up the fan of a team ownered by Dan Snyder. (Plus 7 points for the Giants, making it +25... a blowout.)
#4 AGAINST - GIANTS QUARTERBACK ELI MANNING. I am sick of the Manning family. I am sick of Peyton, obviously, but also sick of Eli's coming of age at the end of this season, and I am double sick of down home Archie Manning interviews about his boys. I'm sick of knowing Cooper Manning is an insurance salesman. I'm sick of hearing that Eli Manning has some girlfriend that he treats like a peasant, forcing her to sit in the crowd with everyday NFL fan riffraff (like myself). I'm sick of looking at Eli's face in the paper or on the TV screen and thinking, "Take Peyton, make 12% younger, plus 4% more Down's syndromey." I am fucking sick to death of Manning brother hype and hyperbole and over-exposure. With Peyton gone, Eli gets all my Manning hate, plus a little extra for being stupid ass fucknosed Eli Manning. Oh man... if there's ever a Colts/Giants Super Bowl, I'm gonna rent a Ryder and Tim McVeigh the fucking pre-game festivities in hopes of putting a stop to it, or at least having me jailed deep in a dark building where I don't have to witness any of it once it happens. (Minus 7 points for the Giants, shaving it back to +18 for them.)
#3 AGAINST - PATRIOTS LINEBACKER TEDY BRUSCHI. You know what, I understand dude had a stroke and had to re-learn how to talk and walk and all that. My real problem is why did he have to learn to look like such a goomba fratboy cocksucker again too? I have never been a big fan of the Overachiever label when it's applied to a player on a team full of guys who all want to come there just to win... it seems so hokey and contrived. And Bruschi seems contrived too. I mean, I know he's got kids and a family and risked destroying their lives if he had come back and gotten brain dead from being a stroke dude who wasn't ready for full contact football, but it all worked out. Which further makes me think there's Illuminati football shit going on. How the fuck can a guy have a stroke and come back to play in the Super Bowl as a contributor? Don't tell me that's how much heart he has, because I remember Hulk Hogan having that much heart, and his heart wasn't really that much in the for-real ways. The whole Patriots schtick seems so contived and Vince McMahon-esque, although the Giants build-up as super underdog who can't lose on the road ever since they shut down the Redskins on the goal line that game forever back seems just as contrived. Like Tiny Lister rolling in as this unstoppable force but Hulk Hogan legdrops his ass into submission, and then they blast patriotic songs and people wave American flags and buy things on their way home. (Minus 8 points for the Patriots, making it +26 for the Giants.)
#3 FOR - GIANTS RUNNING BACK AHMAD BRADSHAW. Seeing this nobody late round draft pick rookie running back busting through motherfuckers in Green Bay, the paint actually chipping off his helmet it was so cold, that was some old school ass shit. The thing is, this guy was supposed to be a can't miss prospect, except he's been a chronic fuck-up. He came to UVA (near me) as a blue chip recruit, but they cut their ties with him because he was a hood. He transferred to Marshall, moving down in college status, and was a small town superstar, but even there, he was about to get into some shit for stealing games or something trifling like that out of somebody else's dorm room. I mean, how the fuck do you get into trouble at Marshall on their football team? That's where Randy Moss went, and I think he used to rape chicks on the regular back then. So Bradshaw left Marshall after his junior year of eligibility, with two children already paternity tested to him, and took a shot at the NFL draft, hoping he could get paid and not just end up like every other broke ass shoulda been brother with multiple kids working construction part-time until they decide to sell drugs and then go to jail in towns everywhere. It is a sad cycle. Except the Giants took a shot on Bradshaw, and he's come in late this year and fucking kicked ass, mostly because his style is a lot like Tiki Barber's, but without all the corporate voice coming out the smiley mouth, and excess baggage of being the veteran leader on offense. Bradshaw has made a name for himself in the past two months, and I'd love to see him blow up Timmy Smith style in the Super Bowl, win the MVP, and get paid out the ass because of it. Then we can all enjoy his native hoodlumism shine bright on a national stage. (Plus 8 points for the Giants, so they ahead +34 points.)
#2 FOR - PATRIOTS RUNNING BACK LAURENCE MARONEY. I am always a fan of running backs like Maroney or Edgerrin James or Marshawn Lynch who look like they would be original members of the Boot Camp Clique. But a few things make Maroney even more enjoyable than the others. Right off the bat, he spells his first name in a classy black guy way like Laurence Fishburne does, automatically making him seem better than the rest. But most importantly, dude is obsessed with Kool-Aid. He has Kool-Aid tattoos, a Kool-Aid pendant, all because his nickname is Kool-Aid, but fuck my name is Raven and I don't have that shit tatted up on me and in diamonds on my neck and shit. And Kool-Aid is some broke ass kid shit. I lived on that stuff forever (my recipe was, oddly enough, just like Maroney's when asked on media day - "water and sugar"), and the only thing more ghetto than Kool-Aid is those generic Kool-Aid packets which never really mixed right like Kool-Aid does and you'd get weird little clumps of shit in your drink that tasted like some Sweet Tarts had taken a shit like a fish does. The fact that a major NFL running back drinks Kool-Aid... I don't know, it makes me happy. Though I think I read he customized his car with the Kool-Aid man too, and I seen a few of those themed donks on the Donk magazine, and they are stupid wack. I hope he doesn't have stitched ostrich skin Kool-Aid men in his ride. Although, to be honest, even if he did, just having some retardedly customized nonsense like that in a tricked out car would make him better than most other football players with their very uncreative hood-rich ways. (Plus 9 points for the Pats, cutting it to +25 for the Giants.)
#2 AGAINST - GIANTS DEFENSIVE END MICHAEL STRAHAN. Strahan is such a chump, and I think most people realize this. Whereas previous awesome future Hall of Famers like Reggie White would sometimes come across as odd, you'd still have people in real life explaining to you how they were the greatest ever. Not with Strahan though. Everybody kinda knows he's a full of shit chump ass. Even reading the paper today, the columnist guy I was reading referred to him as a "potential Hall of Famer". You'd think him being the all-time sacks in a year leader after Favre laid down for him that one time, he'd be a definite. But his laying out of training camp because he's a lazy fucker gimmick has grown tired, as has his "let me do a really stiff-legged soul train dance line routine whenever I'm near a quarterback who falls down" celebration bullshit. Even his fucking ex-wife suggested he might be a homo. The sad thing is he's already done a couple years of "my team is not in the playoffs so let me sit in on the pre-game show" interning already, so he'll probably STILL be on the stupid television every week even after he stops being an annoying closeted football player. (Minus 9 points for the Giants, down to +16 for them still though.)
#1 AGAINST - FORMER GIANTS QUARTERBACK PHIL SIMMS. Phil Simms is the epitome of boring. He could make redneck guys holed up in the middle of a week-long meth binge fall asleep. I'm not sure who has the Super Bowl this year, but I sort of almost hope it's CBS so he and Greg Gumbel can bore America to death, and then hopefully the Giants will get crushed, forcing stupid Simms to abandon his feigned non-bias, and he'll something really flagrant and out-of-line, execpt nobody will notice it because he will do it in such a quiet condescending voice that it will sound like a gay man's description as to how to properly need a homemade loaf of rosemary olive oil bread. I feel sorry for Chris Simms, because you know he catches a ton of shit - and probably always has - for being Phil Simms son. I mean really, is there a more pretentious fucker who analysists the football than him? (Minus 10 points for the Giants, making it only +6 for the Giants.)
#1 FOR - PATRIOTS OFFENSIVE LINEMAN LOGAN MANKIN. Mankin is a mainstay on my fake ass Madden franchise of the Saints, because he is a giant fu manchu ass wispy haired white offensive lineman. He looks like the type of guy who would've been an MMA fighter back when MMA was more the dream of guys who trained in meat warehouses (talking on the early days when Tank Abbott and Oleg Taktarov were stars) and it seemed like something a good Clint Eastwood movie could be based on, not this pseudo-sport Brazilian dudes rolling around holding each other and then slipping around and one guy quickly taps out in violently homoerotic fashion. But, as if Logan Mankin wasn't already awesome, being such a white boy, and from Fresno state, where you can only assume academics were secondary to beer bongs and blowjobs, he's now, as part of some sort of Unabomber code of solidarity with the other O-linemen, sporting a giant beard that makes him look like a cross between homeless Vietnam veteran and Nordic warlord. The only thing better than rooting for Logan Mankin, is hoping he pulls a Barrett Robins and disappears the night before the game into Mexico for a drug-fueled romp to ruin his career. Except I would expect Mankin to not be a punk ass like Robins and claim the made up psychological disorder of bi-polarity, and instead Logan Mankin would just become the leader of some village where he runs a human smuggling business, a cockfighting arena, and sips on expensive champagne at his VIP table nightly at the donkey fuck show. (Plus 10 points for the Patriots, putting them over the top by +4. Except fuck that. I could care less about either of these fucking teams, or this game. Luckily, the satellite sound system in my ride with detachable robot box to plug into house speakers is broadcasting the game in like 10 different languages, so I'll probably just sit in my truck in the yard, getting blasted, and listening to the Super Bowl in Korean or some bullshit.)
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