So at another blog I had last year, I attempted to do weekly rankings of NFL teams according to their divisional alignments, and it was great fun while it lasted, but I quit. I am going to attempt it again, and in all likelihood quit again. I am a Redskins fan lifelong diehard, so when they become useless, my excitement over football dissipates quickly.
I have a stupid formula for ranking them, very basic, no super-nerd shit like figuring out punter’s formula or what right guard ranks the best or whatever. Basically, I start them out ranked by who has the best odds for winning the Super Bowl, and then you get points added or taken for who you actually beat. I don’t go beyond that, so it’s highly mathematical, but pretty damned simple-assed at the same time.
This year, during the preseason weeks, I will attempt to lay out quick previews of the teams as well. Nothing too fancy, just a quick take on the individual teams, then representatives in 12 categories, to give you an overview of the stupid teams. Those categories are gonna be listed below right about now, to explain them for the three people who come here, so that when I start this shit, you won’t be like, “WTF?”
ALL-TIME GREAT: This is pretty self-explanatory, but also will be taken from my frame of reference (I was spat upon the earthball in 1973, so came of age football-wise in the ‘80s), with me picking the one person who no longer is with the team who, for me, represents the greatest aspect of this team’s nature.
TEAM HOSS: Basically, this is the same shit as above, but for a current player.
ALL-TIME SUCK-ASS: Not to get all 5%ery with you, but being we are all made of molecules with protons and electrons in constant opposition, it is easy enough to metascientifically deduce that we all have good and evil in us (if you accept the completely fantastic notions of “good” and “evil” that is). So these guys will be the dudes who represent, for me from my completely biased point of view, the penultimate shittiness of the franchise in question.
TEAM ASS: Again, same thing as above, but a currently active player.
SENIOR PLAYER: This will be the dude currently on the team who has been a member of this team continuously for the longest time. A locker room elder, if you will. Sometimes, looking that shit up is pretty sad in this age of free agency.
VA BOY: I am a lifelong resident (outside of wandering excursions) of the state of Virginia, and even though there’s not a whole lot to truly be proud of in this state, living towards the North Carolina end like I do where your inferiority is fairly obvious fairly regularly, I like to maintain pride in former Virginia athletes who have gone on to bigger and better things. If I lived nearer to Maryland, I’m sure I’d have no problem feeling superior over that shithole state, but then again, if I lived near Maryland, I’d be living in the worst shithole parts of Virginia.
FORMER HURRICANE: U. of Miami players have a swagger about them that’s sorta out-of-hand a lot of times, but they keep together like a fraternity of highly-paid college athletes who share the experiences of your pick of Luther Campbell strip club whores and South Beach club tab hook-ups at an underage level. (I will also plug in people who went to the far less football-prestigious Miami University in Ohio if applicable.)
WILD SAMOAN: I just read an article in the Washington Post Sunday paper about dudes growing up in American Samoa obsessed with football as their only means of escaping the meager homeland they were born upon, and how like 15% of the high school boys there end up going to play football in America at the college or junior college level. I will attempt to find that article and remember to link it, but the Washington Post is a dick about linking shit, and I’m forgetful. But this spot will be for each team’s resident Wild Samoan, since I assume pretty much every Samoan dude alive is either related to Afa & Sika the crazy tag team who were WWF champions when I was a kid, or to the Boo-Yaa Tribe. (If the team is racist and has no Samoans, I will use some other foreigner hopefully.)
THE ICKY: This superlative player will be the guy on the team with the funniest name, to me at least. Most likely, my reasoning will be completely juvenile and insensitive, but whatever. This is the internet. Shit like that goes on around here all the time.
THE RUDY: This will be the best player on the team who came aboard as an undrafted free agent, basically either getting signed after not being drafted right out of college, or perhaps some former UPS dude or Canadian football player or illegal immigrant from Australia or something, who makes the team in working class fashion. Well, working class by the standards of people who make at least six figures a year for playing a game using an oblong ball.
JOCK GENIUS: This will be the super-intelligent you-must-respect his football know-how dipshit dude coaching or managerializing or something within the organization. There seems to be a ton of ego-driven coaches in recent years who think they’re ability to blitz with the strong safety makes them some sort of Poindexter Einstein the IV.
FANTASY JERSEY: This will just be me pretending I’m some retarded dude on MTV’s Cribs with like 7000 football jerseys that I rock in trademark pure homo style.
So there’s the explanation. These first four rankings will be in the above manner, then after that during the regular season, it’ll just be regular ranking type shit with commentary so I can pretend I know something about football because I listened to the Tony Bruno Show for an hour once a week. It should also be noted I do not consider myself any sort of fag expert on football. I sit on my ass like everybody else and watch a lot of it, usually while dripping Herdez mild salsa on my shitty faded Darrell Green jersey.
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