I've actually devised a half-assed method of calculating this shit, which is complicated by a drunkard's standards, but fairly simpletonesque for actual online football dorks. And even after one week, I've noticed certain flaws in it, but fuck it, I'm a muleheaded fuckface and I'll stick by it till the end of the year.
So here's the first one, the two conferences' East division teams ranked, with their records and overall rankings according to my half-assed supreme mathematics included, you know, for your information and shit.
#1: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (1-0; #1 overall) - If there was ever a reason to think a team gets favoritism, it would be the Patriots. Every year, there's something beyond BELICHEK THA GENIUS explanations that need explaining. Like, how the fuck last year did Lawrence Mauroney drop down to them in the draft. Seriously, that'd be like Adrian Peterson dropping down till the Colts picked him this year. And then there's the Randy Moss shit this year. He just gets to go to the Patriots? There's nothing I hate worse in pro sports than some washed-up over-hyped vet pouting and stamping his feet until he gets to play for a contender, but lucky for me that usually is reserved for the fixed outcome confines of stupid NBA, which is a sport geared for wrestling fans who are too old to be wrestling fans. But this Moss to the Pats shit, and Adalius Thomas, who was like the premier defensive free agent, going to them too, it's like the shit gets stacked in their favor. And Tom Brady's running around impregnating supermodels while assistants are using cameras to steal signs from the other team and Bill Belichek runs around pretending the Cleveland Browns thing never existed. And then you look at Romeo Crennel who's getting the same early coaching genius failure build in Cleveland now that ol' dirty sweatshirt master motivator gameplanner god got back in the day. If ever there was a team to make me think this shit's fixed, it's the Patriots. If we go to war with Iran this winter, then I'll know the Patriots are gonna win the Super Bowl and Pat Tillman will be honorary captain and they'll beat the Saints to remind us that national tragedies aside with FEMA failures and shit, we kick serious international ass with our high-powered offense and cybertronic defense.
#2: DALLAS COWBOYS (1-0; #7 overall) - Oh man, Tony Romo looked like Mr. World Staubach 2.0 against the Giants on Sunday night, didn't he? Too bad he doesn't get to play a shoddy half-crippled Giants team every week at home. If there is one team that is early smoke and mirrors this season, it's the Cowboys. Their defense was suspect and their offense has T.O., who is as bound to flare up and leave ugly marks on the team as my genital warts are for my penis. Plus, if ever there was a pro football coach who looked like Ralph Wiggun all growed up it'd be Wade Philips. Jerry Jones might as well have hired a marionette to coach the team.
#3: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (1-0; #15 overall) - I will let it be known for those of you who are unfamiliar with the ridiculous prejudices that I proudly flaunt, I am a lifelong Redskins fan. The first year I can cognizantly remember was Joe Gibbs' first year his first time around, when they won their last six games to finish 8-8. I think I was 7 that year. So I lived through the glory of the '80s, and then the endless suffering that's been the Dan Snyder era. It's hard to have hope when you can't be like, "Oh, I hope they get a good running back or linebacker," but you just want the owner's helicopter to wreck into the Potomac River so the dude dies and somebody who's not so meddling takes over. However, this year seems to be slightly different. They have some oddball characters on both sides of the ball, old school types who fuck the cheerleaders and seem apt to end up wrestling professionally one day. Still, all they did was beat the stupid Dolphins at home, so even though they're #3 in the eastern divisions, they're right in the middle of the pack in the entire league.
#4: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (0-1; #20 overall) - What the fuck happened to Donovan McNabb? The Eagles seem to have abandoned him completely, not just by drafting a young QB, but the whole football media meme of "This is Donovan's last chance." Isn't that dude only like 29? And he didn't he play at Syracuse for like seven years? Why is he considered done and moving quickly into next year's Air McNair veteran black quarterback to a middling contender to give them enough viability to sell jerseys position? I do like the whole storyline of Andy Reid: Coaching Genius with Delinquent Sons though. It's a harsher version of the Tony Dungy kid's suicide story, more geared for a for-real white coach, and I can only hope the Eagles make the playoffs so I get to hear seven thousand stories about how much he's overcome this season in his personal life, what with drug-addled kids getting raped in jail and shit.
#5: NEW YORK GIANTS (0-1; #21 overall) - It is not just my Redskins fandom that makes it so, but there are few teams where it's harder to find the biggest piece of shit on the team than the New York football Giants. I mean, for obvious starters you have Jeremy Shockey, who has all the mouthiness of a former Hurricane running back wrapped up in the under performance of a former Hurricane tight end with the goofy thickhead longhair of a Carolina Panthers linebacker. But then you also have the shitty camp-skipping pussiness of Michael Strahan, with his overblown "don't know if I want to still play" schtick, finally coming back all stubbly faced to look aged and philosophical as opposed to melodramatic football diva he actually is, in all likelihood a trick he learned in phone conversations with his homeboy Brett Favre. And then you've got Tom Coughlin, who I remember reading would only sign devout Christian free agents in Jacksonville. I mean, Joe Gibbs is a staunch born again destroyer of satan, but he also understands the locker room benefits of kooks and crackpot characters. Coughlin seems like some sort of Promise Keeper appliance store owner trying to make his salespeople read Pat Robertson tomes. However, Eli Manning getting injured makes them an even worse team, and they weren't that great to begin with. They backed into the playoffs last year, which was probably engineered by NBC to give Tiki Barber more luster on their panel of Sunday night analysists; and this year should prove to be a comedy of tragic incidents.
#6: NEW YORK JETS (0-1; #22 overall) - I know it's football dork meme to be all like, "whoa, Jets fans are harsh, cheering for Pennington to have a broke leg or whatever." But let's think about it - most Jets fans are from where? Most likely either white dudes from Queens or white dudes from Jersey. And most of those dudes are piece of shit Americanized Italians, or Gentilized Jews. So when some pretty boy kid named Chad Pennington (total '80s movie star prep star quarterback nemesis to the loveable loser skater kid type moniker) hasn't given you five Super Bowls in seven years, when he sprains his ankle on a play against your arch-nemesis team who's geared up to kick your ass, yeah, you're gonna cheer. Because, whatever his name is holding the clipboard over there has got to be better. "And Wayne Chrebet. That dude was the sickest. They need another Wayne Chrebet." Jets fans love Wayne Chrebet because he was a loser white fucker who made good in the NFL, and in him, they all see themselves. Still, I expect the Jets to move up within the East teams this year because Eric Mangini is the genius son of a genius and the NFL will give him, being in NYC, all the genius coach push they can give him.
#7: MIAMI DOLPHINS (0-1; #25 overall) - Poor Cam Cameron, inheriting an impotent offense and a defense led by two dudes (Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas) that are a thousand years old by football standards. What I noticed most watching them blow every chance they were given to beat the Redskins last Saturday was that they have two Samoan rookies on their starting offense - a bushy longhaired center whose name I can't remember because I could never read it under his shaggy hair and I'm a visual person, and a starting fullback named Reagan Mauia. The fact some Samoan family whose kid was born in I'd guess around '85 or so named their boy Reagan, that's a feel good story. I bet the dad works in a sugar factory or he does construction and the mom stays home and takes care of the seven children. I actually read a long-winded article in the Washington Post this past preseason about Samoan football players and in American Samoa, which is not for-real Samoa, there's four high schools and each team has like 75% of the boys in the high school go out for the team. They practice year round because they're not stifled by homo full-on American educational athletic limitations, and they play on fields with hard chunks of lava all over the place. Plus, like 80% of the starting seniors end up playing in mainland America (or Hawaii, which is where both of the Dolphins rookies came from) for a DI or lesser school, all of them stoked to get off the piece of shit island. Those that don't go pro end up forming gangs in L.A. Actually, that's another funny little thing I read recently. In Los Angeles County, there's more people who claim Samoan heritage than actually live in Samoa. I think the same can be said for Koreans and one other minor non-black-and-white ethnicity, but only the Samoans I can remember for sure. That's because of professional wrestling, which taught me at a young age to always be wary of Samoans.
#8: BUFFALO BILLS (0-1; #28 overall) - Here's the deal... the Bills suck. They have a starting QB who sounds like a 1920s industrial tycoon, and Marv Levy is their new general managerish brain, him being the guy who masterminded them losing four Super Bowls in a row. They had a dude get paralyzed in their first fucking game. Like, you have to be terrible, like mid-'80s Lions or early-80's Patriots, to have a dude get paralyzed on your team. You never have a Super Bowl contender have a wheelchair player, ever. It's always loser teams, to encourage you to feel sorry for them even more. However, the Bills have a new face with that Marshawn Lynch dude. If ever there was someone who looked like he came out a David Banner video, it was him. And being from California in college, you gotta figure he was an accused rapist or gang member or some nefarious shit for him to have not ended up at USC where everybody else who is good on the west coast goes to college. In all his promo photos, he's got that dog baring teeth but a human man flashing his gold grill look going on, combined with the dreads and weird finger arrangements with everything pointing in four different directions in ode to something the rest of us don't know about. So the Bills are gonna be better. But not soon, because thinking about old crusty ass Marv Levy with a QB named J.P. Losman is like thinking of Ted Knight in Caddyshack, and Marshawn Lynch upsets all that, but instead of Rodney Dangerfield, it's O-Dogg from Menace II Society, but full of Chris Rock's first HBO stand-up special jokes. I can't wait for Marshawn to drive his donked out '72 Caddy with Lambo doors into Levy's stupid 30 foot wooden yacht. Man, that scene in Caddyshack when Rodney Dangerfield is losing control of his boat and that black dude does the bug eyes before jumping out his john boat while fishing, not only is that a great moment in cinematic history, that's also the last sighting of a sambo-esque black man in major Hollywood releases. That's sad, because regardless of how fucked up racial stereotypes are, that black dude flashing big white bug eyes real quick before diving into the water out of the way of fellow bug-eyed man Rodney Dangerfield... that's some hilarious shit. Far more hilarious than imagining a gold grilled dude getting paralyzed in a football game, which I don't think the back-up tight end guy was like. But imagine some dude flashing gold teeth like an upset pit/lab mix, and then being all laying there helpless, with gold teeth in his mouth, ironic as fuck. That's terrible to think about. But... hahaha... that dude doing a double take with his eyes all bulged up at Rodney's boat coming at him... yeah, I feel better now. About everything.
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