You know, I almost actually bought this at the grocery store back when this was on the magazine rack at the grocery store, because it had this weird rust-colored ride with pinstriping and shit, and I was intrigued by the fact someone did a faux rust finish, which seemed all sorts of awesome to me. But I think I bought some sliced turkey breast with that four dollars instead. Which was a good call in the long run, because I found it for free eventually in a box of what is basically trash at the dump. A lesson is to be learned from that - fuck buying new shit because it's only the feeling of newness you really crave. If you wait, you'll get that shit eventually, and have everything you need plus a bunch of shit you wanted, just you wanted it a while ago. But fuck it.
The rust finish thing was far less impressive when I saw that EVERY OTHER FUCKING PSEUDO-ROCKABILLY DEVIL DUDE'S HOT ROD IN THIS MAGAZINE HAD A FAUX RUST FINISH! It went from awesome to played the fuck out forever by page 32. Also, my contempt for tattooed hot rod dudes in college towns cannot be contained. As someone with class issues, I have even more severe hatred than my unexplainable hatred for rich people to lay upon people who are basically born rich, but like to slum it up as fake white trash or fake workingman dudes. They always have full sleeves of tattoos, really gay short hair, and wear work shirts with someone else's name on it. Being born and cursed as a poor fucker from birth, I am genetically inclined to do really stupid and self-destructive things at times, mostly just to see if I can do it, but also for laughs, even if the laughs are only eventual after time has allowed me to filter the experience into a funny story. When dudes with full sleeves of tattoos try to talk me out of doing such stupid things, it shows that they are full of pussy DNA never meant to be a broke ass like me and they're whole pseudo-culture of hot rodding and half-naked Betty Page wannabe bitches is a sham. Then again, they're probably afraid while doing something stupid I'll break their gay-assed collectible Ed Roth toy car from Japan they got on ebay.
Anyways, other than it sucking, the most notable thing was the bitch on the cover, who is your regular hot rod doofus dude rockabilly Betty Page wannabe slut with the ugly face of a 1960s diner waitress, a bunch of goofy tattoos with far too many bright colors, and a continuous pout of her lips and poking out of her flatland ass cheeks. But she had a cursive letter tattoo on her lower belly that said DIRTY SOUTH, and as ugly and unattractive and obviously annoyingly stupid as she was, I still wanted to eat the fuck out of her pussy. Used to be belly button rings did that shit, but that style for chicks got played out like rust finished hot rods, and means nothing to me now. But obviously, trashy cursive letter tattoos have replaced them in my retarded mind as triggering a strong desire to perform cunninglingus like only a stupid white man with repressed penis size issues can perform. So if you are that retarded model, understand I would gladly eat the fuck out of your pussy (hopefully not literally though, because I would be sad if your pussy ran out of fuck), but I will probably also end up grudge fucking you in the ass as well. And why the fuck did you have to bring PBRs? Fucking mix in a six-pack of Yuengling or something. Not everybody wants to pretend they're a redneck in 1972 southern Illinois.
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