Now, for the final installment of draft dorkery 2008, I'm going to painfully relive the top fourteen overall picks in the draft executed by the Washington Redskins in the past 11 years of NFL drafting the rights to athletic specialists of the football variety. As I am a lifelong Redskins fan, and they have done nothing but cause me pain and suffering the past decade (at least), I'm sure this will suck...
#1: LaVar Arrington (linebacker, 2nd overall pick in 2000) - Had some decent years, concussed Troy Aikman's stupid ass out of football, but never really lived up to his potential as the real-life equivalent of Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I have a LaVar jersey my wife got me for my birthday one year, and I was sad because I knew LaVar didn't mean for his jersey to be merchandised. He just got tricked by his agent into signing a bad deal. But I kept that jersey, and it was pretty shoddily manufactured. So I can see where LaVar was coming from.
#2: Chris Samuels (tackle, 3rd overall pick in 2000) - Big stupid Chris Samuels has made the Pro Bowl a few times, but damn, dude is like a false starting machine, and always looks like a mongoloid. I still refuse to consider him awesome, especially being he was the third fucking pick. The Redskins had two of the top three picks in a single draft, and they get LaVar Arrington and Chris Samuels. I don't give a fuck how many Pro Bowls Samuels ends up making, it's impossible to consider that a good deal as a Redskins fan.
#3: Sean Taylor (safety, 5th overall pick in 2004) - Sean Taylor was really starting to shine as a natural ballhawking gamebreaker on defense, as Gregg Williams had installed a defense around his skills last year. It sucks we weren't able to see how that turned out in the long run.
#4: Laron Landry (safety, 6th overall pick in 2007) - Man, Landry started looking good as the season progressed last year, but he was picked to be a one-two punch of super destruction with Sean Taylor. Now he's gonna have to be the man now, dog. Also, he's a sixth overall pick, which we learned earlier this week is a doomed pick.
#5: Champ Bailey (cornerback, 7th overall pick in 1999) - Trading Bailey straight up for Clinton Portis is hard to hate on, because Champ, when he was getting a new contract back then, was hoping for wide receiver money, because his thinking was he stopped them from scoring, so he should get the same as Randy Moss. I remember thinking that was retarded, and I think the NFL maybe came around on it, but I never did. Also, there is no hating on Clinton Portis. That guy is my all-time second favorite running back ever, only behind John Riggins. I know this is football in the 2008 and no one stays around because it's business, never personal, but I'm gonna be bummed whenever they force ol' Clinton out of D.C.
#6: Carlos Rogers (cornerback, 9th overall pick in 2005) - Busted his knee up last year, and has not performed up to his superstar promise, although he hasn't been that bad. I don't hate upon him, but it does seem the less help he has, the more he gets hung out to dry, and he was supposed to be the new shut-down guy after Champ Bailey left.
#7: Rod Gardner (wide receiver, 15th overall pick in 2001) - Man, in Madden '03, I won like eight Super Bowls in a row with Gardner. In real life, he sucked.
#8: Jason Campbell (quarterback, 25th overall pick in 2005) - I still have plenty of faith in Jason Campbell, and I hope he lives up to it, because really, he's my only hope right now as a Redskin fan. If he ends up really fucking sucking and regressing this year, we're fucked for another five years.
#9: Patrick Ramsey (quarterback, 32nd overall pick in 2002) - He ended up really fucking sucking, and fucked us for five years. He was very much a Christian though. Even married his high school sweetheart. Basically he was like the goody goody guy from North Dallas Forty, except he didn't win for shit.
#10: Rocky McIntosh (linebacker, 35th overall pick in 2006) - Fucked his knee up, but was showing promise last year before doing so. Seems that's all we ever have anymore is promise and injuries. I am thankful for Sam Huff and Sonny Jurgensen doing the radio for the games, because nothing makes a shitty favorite team more tolerable than a couple of old drunks calling the games.
#11: Jon Jansen (tackle, 37th overall pick in 1999) - I still like Jansen; he's a classic old school knucklehead butt ugly whiteboy offensive lineman. He was playing with two broke hands at one point. It's hard to hate on somebody like that. I don't even like walking around after getting a splinter in my hand.
#12: Taylor Jacobs (wide receiver, 44th overall pick in 2003) - Thanks Steve Spurrier for picking your boy right out of college. The Patrick Ramsey/Taylor Jacobs era turned out real well, didn't it?
#13: Fred Smoot (cornerback, 45th overall pick in 2001) - Smoot is awesome, and will always be awesome. He never belonged in Minnesota, having strippers on lake boats and shit. And even as fucked as this franchise is with Dan Snyder and his boytoy Vinny Cerrato fucking everything up worse and worse each year, with wacky characters like Fred Smoot and Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley, it's hard to not still be a proud Redskin fan. What the fuck does that mean though? I sit around and watch them and become emotionally attached to something completely beyond my control. It's fucking retarded.
#14: Stephen Alexander (tight end, 48th overall pick in 1998) - I vaguely remember him as a decent ass tight end. He's has no Chris Cooley type character though, which is why I probably vaguely remember him.
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