Legend Lager

AFFORDABILITY: As I have been accumulating larger sized cappable bottles for homebrewing purposes, Legend bottles have showed themselves the best. Their lager is the cheapest of their fancy man's swill, still just under three dollars a thick-bottled double deuce, which is cheap by my now standards, but the memories in my mind scream, "You fucking fancy assed fuckface." An ashamed 3 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: It's a good tasting swill that lays the groundwork for super destruction. I'm not sure how many of these I'd have to drink to get there, but it seems to give my stomach those initial feelings of butterflies like I was about three weeks away from getting an unexplainable hard-on watching my 27-year-old science teacher bend over to pick up her chalk in fifth grade. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: The center shield of some goofy Euro-looking label has a unicorn with a golden mane breaking free from chains. That would conceivably make it awesomer than fuck, except they wrap that in the standard Legend label of piss yellow background and stupid old english letters. An almost-had-it 2 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: They are mastered by themselves, and have a spot in Richmond where you can eat samwiches and drink their shit. It is a part of the industrial wasteland of southside Richmond, like four blocks over from where you might get robbed. Such a fine walking of fancy assed and impenetrable terminal poverty is a tough one to walk, but they do it. 5 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: It's okay, but for some reason Legend beers make me think of this stupid hippie chick I used to live with in the Fan district when I was in college. We had a neighbor who had no voice, I'm not sure what was up, but for some reason his vocal chords were plucked out, and he had a Tim Kaine for city council placard in his yard, which I blocked with my shitty '75 AMC Matador which didn't work, and I had to push it around into a u-turn whenever they cleaned the streets, hoping they cleaned the other side first so I only had to move it once. That car did many a u-turn while never starting, and Tim Kaine is now a superbly upward mobile Democrat in Virginia politics. That hippie bitch is somewhere in Washington state I think. I am happy as fuck in the country with three wild assed cool daughters and an old lady who never stifles nor staples me. And Legend is in my belly again, reminding me of some stupid shit. 3 out of 5.
TOTAL RATING: 3 STARS!