NFL: Preseason Preview Bottom Quadrant

#25: HOUSTON TEXANS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year; 60 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Chester Pitts; there is no real team history outside of ugly ass uniforms and a shitty choice of team nickname, so the big fat black dude who has started every game in team history wins this one by default.
TEAM HOSS: N.D. Kalu; he was a Redskin early on out of college, but never stuck. I always liked him though - a lanky defensive with good third defensive end skills, to spell starters of higher pay range. Twelve years later, he's still playing in the NFLs for the stupid Texans. I'm fairly certain his real first name is Ndekwe, but either because that's too African or too hard for ignorant ass football players to remember, he started going by N.D. Sometimes, I think about telling people I'm R.A. instead of Raven, but rap dork fans on the internet would think I'm biting white rapper style, and real life people who need something other than Raven to say usually go with Roo-roo, or Ruben in hispanic-heavy locales.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: David Carr; I am sure he's probably a back-up somewhere in the league right now, but man, what a suck ass. Remember that bullshit where he shaved his head for some bullshit? That was a great draft year for quarterbacks, led by Carr and stupid Christ-ass Patrick Ramsey.
TEAM ASS: Matt Turk; when Turk was the Redskins punter, I sorta enjoyed his off-kilter personality, out of whack for most punters. But then he just became a douche, breaking his wrist playing basketball or some faggy fratboy bullshit like that. And athletes have stupid enough injuries as it is, but when you're job in the footballs is to drop an oblong pigskin against your swinging leg, don't fuck that up. So fuck Matt Turk. He's no Reggie Roby.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Matt Schaub; living near UVA, it's easy to automatically dismiss all UVA hype as bullshit, and assume Schaub is destined for failure, much like Aaron Brooks and Don "the Magic Man" Majkowski before him. But I think Schaub might actually be good. In college, he was no blue-chip superstar, but more of a guy who worked hard and carved his mark, much like he did as a promising back-up in Atlanta. Still, the Texans are banking on not having a shitty QB again, and Schaub was fucked-up a good part of last year in his first year in the driver's seat.
SENIOR PLAYER: Both Chester Pitts and Fred Weary were offensive linemen taken in Houston's first ever draft, and kicker Kris Brown was signed as a free agent that same offseason, from the Steelers, where he had previously mostly sucked, missing key kicks, but somehow in the obscurity of Houston's expansion team, he has carved a long career out of stupid kicking.
THE RUDY: Team Rudys are gonna end up being long snappers half the time, and the Texans are no exception to that rule, with Bryan Pittman entering his seventh year in the NFL, and all he does is hike the ball for punts and field goals, clocking crazy ass ducats.
FORMER HURRICANE: Wide receiver Andre Johnson, who had a breakout season, fulfilling his promise partially last year, but really he needs to loop a couple seasons like that together to be a legit superstar. Still, if the Texans offense can fire up enough to make noise in the AFC South, he could start getting mentioned in the same paragraph of sportsfag blogs as guys like T.O. and Steve Smith.
VIRGINIA BOY: Well, I'm gonna try to not repeat dudes for teams, and the obvious choice would be Schaub, but in an effort to diversify I will say rookie linebacker Xavier Adibi. That dude was a ball hawking linebacker in college at Virginia Tech, almost like a safety/linebacker hybrid. It will be interesting to see how that shakes out in the pros... well, not really. I don't give a fuck if it shakes out, but he's a black dude named Xavier and he was a turnover retriever in college like a motherfucker. He'd be perfect for the XFL were it still a thing.
WILD SAMOAN: In lieu of actual Samoans, I have to pick defensive tackle Amobi Okoye, who was some sort of super genius who graduated college at age 19. I remember the Washington Post was so sure the Redskins were gonna pick him that they were already running those local paper features hyping you up to drink the Kool-Aid about how he was a brilliant big man who was gonna change the game at DT. Then the Skins drafted Laron Landry, who was basically just like Sean Taylor, which they already had. I guess it all worked out when Taylor got shot and killed though.
THE ICKY: Back-up quarterback Sage Rosenfels.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Linebacker Morlon Greenwood, who very easily could have made his fortune operating boomtown oil derricks and hobnobbing with President Bush's grandpa at the country club over a house specialty drink of gin, tonic, and the blood of pre-teen virgin black children. Haha, I'm just joking. Everybody knows black children have sex as pre-teens.
FANTASY JERSEY: One of those alternate butt ass red Texans jerseys, a #91 but personalized with OKONKWO instead of Okoye, because whenever that other football Okoye (Christian Okoye - a funny name) played, I always thought of Okonkwo instead, being an english major who liked the African bullshit I had to read, and Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart is probably considered the African literature classic (although I most liked Amos Tutuola's The Palm Wine Drinkard, but probably because I'm a degenerate), and the main character is Okonkwo. But it also makes me think of Nintendo's Tecmo Baseball where the Philadelphia team's best hitter was named Okonkwo, but in that game if you beamed people and they charged the mound, they were ejected. So you could just beam Okonkwo every time and at most he'd got two at bats before he charged the mound and got ejected. If you could do that in real baseball, Manny Ramirez's importance would be minimized like a motherfucker.

#26: ST. LOUIS RAMS
PERTINENT DATA: 3-13 last year; 75 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Jim Everett; simply because he slapped up Jim Rome. I have, for the first time in a year or two, popped it onto Rome's radio show the past couple weeks a couple of times, and what the fuck? Are there that many retarded fratboys (and I don't mean retarded like "man, they think way differently than me" so much as retarded in the "not completely mentally efficient" way) out there that his show is successful? It's like wacky AM radio sound snippets combined with a non-drinking, non-smoking, goateed fuckface full of self-righteousness host. I just wish Jim Everett had stealthily beaten throat cancer into Jim Rome back then (which I guess he might've and it just hasn't set in yet).
TEAM HOSS: Is Steven Jackson back on the team yet? I'm gonna go with Leonard Little, because drinking and driving is over-stigmatized, especially when you're a happy-go-lucky, drunken, southern black guy who can sack quarterbacks and stop the run. I know plenty of happy-go-lucky, drunken, southern black guy, many with way more DUIs than Leonard Little, and this pick is for them, although to be honest, most of them don't have internets.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: As much as I never liked Eric Dickerson, his sideline stammerings during football broadcasts made him more loveable. There has never been nothing loveable about Kurt Warner, regardless of the arena league grocery bagger stories. Fuck him and his god. Go back to Arenica.
TEAM ASS: For lack of anybody better, I'm just gonna pick Torry Holt since he looks like Sam Cassell's alien hybrid sent here to infiltrate America by secretly polluting all our professional sports athletes with microchips that will eventually cause them to enslave the rest of us for the inevitable soul harvest.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Wow. Super genius Al Saunders landed here, and will have to battle the ghosts of his alternate super genius Mike Martz. Personally, I think the Al Saunders brand of super genius lacks the ego restrictions of a Mike Martz, but doesn't it also lack the Super Bowl rings?
SENIOR PLAYER: Behemoth Orlando Pace was a first round draft pick in 1997 for the Rams.
THE RUDY: Linebacker Quinton Culberson made the team as an undrafted rookie last year, and ended up the season as the starter.
FORMER HURRICANE: Third string quarterback Brock Berlin; I didn't think Hurricane quarterbacks actually played in the NFL since Testaverde retired.
VIRGINIA BOY: #2 overall pick Chris Long, from UVA, is a fucking monster. Having followed UVA football last year, I can tell you it was amazing, because there were like two, maybe three games, that Chris Long directly won. And he's a defensive lineman. He seems to continually improve, and honestly, I expect he will completely overshadow his father's NFL career within the next half a decade. The dude is a fucking monster. Plus, him and Leonard Little hanging out would make for a good reality TV show.
WILD SAMOAN: Linebacker Pisa Tinoisamoa, who is so Samoan he has it inside his last name. Also played college ball at Hawaii, like all good Samoans should, because USC alum are fucking sellouts.
THE ICKY: If ever there was a name for an underground white rapper who does the pseudo-intellectual/petty criminal gimmick, it would be Richie Incognito, starting center for the Rams.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: The weakening dollar helped cause Joe Klopfenstein to sell his mass market brewery to German investors. Now that Russia is power playing with European Union oil supplies and those faggot Euros need our guns, let's see who wants Klopfenstein to grease political palms though. I wager two parcels of pounds he gets some of his brewery stock back cheap, know what I mean?
FANTASY JERSEY: I'd get an old school blue #32, ala Eric Dickerson, but I'd get DICKINSON put on the back, for Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden, but also just to see if motherfuckers even noticed.

#27: BALTIMORE RAVENS
PERTINENT DATA: 5-11 last year; 75 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I was torn. I wanted to overrule Tony Siragusa as the big oaf white dude because of his sideline nonsense on CBS telecasts, but the only real alternative I could think of was Trent Dilfer for being the most unloved Super Bowl winning quarterback ever, but he's on ESPN this year, and seemingly full of import, much like a Joe Theismann v.2.0, so I guess I'll stick with Siragusa.
TEAM HOSS: Ed Reed is a menacing bastard, with the heartless contempt of a linebacker, but the interceptional abilities of a former high school player relegated to defense with a fragile ego.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I am breaking my rule of picking former players just to pick Brian Billick. That guy was the most self-important piece of shit ever. I knew a tool ass dude who was part of the Ravens media team at one point, and he told me some stories about Billick that made me cringe. I don't remember any of them, but I know it made me solidify in mindstone my opinion that Brian Billick is a first class piece of shit.
TEAM ASS: Ray Lewis; stop your fucking dancing, you old gorilla-jawed accomplice. His pre-game dance wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't so out-of-date. I know he's worked hard to rehabilitate his image, but he might want to work in a private meeting or two with Luke Campbell's dancers to learn some new steps.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Ozzie Newsome - general manager extraordinaire; even if Joe Flacco ends up sucking, Ozzie Newsome is such a straight up dude that he'll get love. Although, I guess if they ran Brian Billick off, he's probably next if the Ravens continue to be shitbags.
SENIOR PLAYER: Kicker Matt Stover was with the Baltimore Ravens back when they moved from Cleveland, who didn't have a team for a while, then got an expansion team with the old name of the Browns that they retained. Do you remember all that shit happening? Yeah, it was a while ago. Matt Stover played on the original Browns.
THE RUDY: Starting linebacker Bart Scott, who started to make a big name for himself last year, was an undrafted kid out of college at Southern Illinois, which I think crazy ass Bryan Cox went to as well.
FORMER HURRICANE: Well, since I've already mentioned Hurricane notables Ray Lewis and Ed Reed, let's go with Willis McGahee, who somehow got himself drafted with a half-broken leg from that one game, did good enough to get traded in high profile fashion, and just had his knee scoped or some nonsense, but it's not supposed to be serious. I don't know... dude missed his first year of football because his knee was fucked, and then just had it scoped. "Scope" is a serious term from where I rest my head.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie wide receiver Justin Harper, who never lived up to his potential in college at Virginia Tech, but is somehow magically expected to do it all of sudden when he's an overpaid fuckface in the NFL. Granted, he was a 7th round pick, which might make him the Marques Colston of this year.
WILD SAMOAN: Defensive end Haloti Ngata; a 340 pound end, not nose tackle, just doesn't seem right. But he's pretty fast to be so fucking huge, and also likely to have a heart attack by age 40.
THE ICKY: In the time I've done the funny name bullshit, I never would've expected to pick somebody over Samari Rolle, since he sounds like a piece of sushi, but I'm going to right here, with wide receiver/kick returner Yamon Figurs, which sounds like how you'd describe being rich in the West Indies ("Man, fuck that wrecked Carrerra... I got yamon figurs; let's go get some 14-year-old sluts.").
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Prescott Burgess, an outside linebacker, also built a minor fortune from Chesapeake Bay harvests of crab, oysters, and assorted flavors of fish. Pollution, namely farm run-off, has carved that industry down to next-to-nothing, but hopefully the fake reef projects, from which they used the old concrete of Memorial Stadium, can help build it all back up. Think globally but eat locally. (Haha, they had some "don't pollute" ad on local TV stations here in Virginia, about not polluting so that you didn't kill all the crabs, so that you could eat them later. I like that line of thinking.)
FANTASY JERSEY: I'd roll with a black #20 REED jersey, with no qualms.

#28: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
PERTINENT DATA: 5-11 last year; 80 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I pretty much hate all 49ers, as they are my most evil team just behind the Cowboys, so I guess I pick Bill Romanowski because he does drugs and hates black people yet blames others for these problems, much like a lot of my friends from back home.
TEAM HOSS: When I had my little composition book out and was making these lists, I put down Patrick Willis, who's a starting linebacker, but I have no rememberance of why I chose him. I guess he won by default.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Jerry Rice cannot be confined to enough wheelchairs to make me happy.
TEAM ASS: Alex Smith, who along with Aaron Rodgers, is hoping to unseat the Patrick Ramsey/David Carr draft as the most stupidest for starting quarterbacks.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Bill Walsh is dead (or so they tell us), but this team will always live in his shadow. Mostly, they will be trying to relive the glory years for the next two decades, and it's not until all those guys are dead and gone and the team can move on to whatever football is at that point, will they move beyond it. Unless Mike Martz institutes a professional version of the A-11 offense this year.
SENIOR PLAYER: Both back-up linebacker Jeff Ulbrich and long snapper Brian Jennings were drafted by the 49ers in 2000. Technically, Ulbrich was drafted first though.
THE RUDY: I was so set to put former starting linebacker Brandon Moore - an undrafted Oklahoma Sooner - that I didn't even write down a second name. But he got released and like nine teams were battling to sign him and I don't feel like looking up anybody else, being any other undrafted college kids they have on their team came from other teams originally. Stupid fucking 49ers.
FORMER HURRICANE: Frank Gore, the man; leading rusher (by yards) and receiver (by receptions) two years in a row.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up/longshot linebacker Dennis Haley, signed off the Baltimore Ravens practice squad, where he sat for two years.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting defensive end (at 325 pounds) Isaac Sopoaga, who beats out projected starting guard Chilo Rachal because Sopoaga played at Hawaii while Rachal played at USC. Also, Chilo Rachal seems like a name of questionable ethnicity.
THE ICKY: Linebacker Tully Banta-Cain, with a wrestler's first name, and a hyphenated last name that sounds like pain medication.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: J.T. O'Sullivan helped institute the Bay Area shipping infrastructure, building vast wealth overseeing Asian imports arriving at the western half of America once cheap Chinese labor (haha, yellow slaves) built the railroad coast to coast. He also apparently might be the 49ers starting quarterback this year.
FANTASY JERSEY: Red 49ers home jersey Joe Montana jersey, which I'd wear to go suck dicks.

#29: DETROIT LIONS
PERTINENT DATA: 7-9 last year; 80 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: No doubt about it, Barry Sanders. Had I a son who watched did the footballs with me, I'd be all like, "Back in my day, Barry Sanders fucked dudes up, running circles around fuckers," while smoking a peach blunt full of blueberry weed with the boy.
TEAM HOSS: I know Matt Millen drafted like nine shitty high profile wide receivers in a row, but Calvin Johnson is gonna be the man if they ever end up having a QB to throw to him.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Again I'm breaking my "only players" rule, but this time because I can't really think of any Lions I hate. They've always been a team I passively tolerate at worst or actively root for so long as the Redskins aren't involved. But I'm picking Wayne Fontes because, as much as he was that loveable loser, he rode Barry Sanders coattails, and never did shit with it. He's like a more quotable Norv Turner.
TEAM ASS: Stupid Jon Kitna with his Eskimo last name and Bible studies bullshit. Openly devout Christ-kissers should not be allowed to be prominent players on football teams, although they are easily tolerated as coaches, because usually Christians have learned to abandon their retarded fundamentalism by the time their old fuckers.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Oh Matt Millen, who would've known that one clip of you falling on your face coming off the field, then taking a bow for the laughing crowd when you were a player, would be a euphemism for your entire general managerial career. Does he have proof of how the Ford and Chevrolet families are holding back alternative energy vehicles until they've squeezed every dime they can out of fat Americans or something? Wasn't it like three years ago fans were marching around the stadium in protest? I think they've given up by now and Millen will just steer this team into the complete abyss. Too bad there's not a second and third tier NFL and they have relegation, so that Detroit would be in the C-league by now, in the same division as Rochester, the Quad Cities, and Columbus, Ohio.
SENIOR PLAYER: Kicker Jason Hanson has been a Detroit Lion since the draft in 1992. I was in my freshman year of college back then, just starting to date a crazy ass big-tittied Italian chick with brain damage that she would partially transmute to me through sexual trickery for another year and a half.
THE RUDY: Tight end Casey Fitzsimmons, sixth year undrafted dude out of small-time Carroll College, though it is rumored this training camp may be his last (meaning he might be gone if you don't read this for a couple of weeks).
FORMER HURRICANE: Lacking a Hurricane, we go for the next best thing in linebacker Ernie Sims, from Florida State, which like Miami is a top-notch college program with questionable ethics in a severe downward spiral.
VIRGINIA BOY: Linebacker Paris Lenon was undrafted out of small ass University of Richmond, but fought his way into the NFL doing that special teams bullshit, and now, seven years later, has clawed his way into the starting line-up, albeit for a shitty ass team.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting guard Edwin Mulitalo is a ten-year vet, but young buck DE Ikaika Alama-Francis has a hyphenated last name and played at Hawaii.
THE ICKY: Tackle Gosder Cherilus, who I think was an evil benefactor in some sort of Dickensian knock-off.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Artose Pinner helped bankroll Henry Ford's model Gs through Ls.
FANTASY JERSEY: Alternate black Lions jersey #20 SANDERS.

#30: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 100 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Derrick Thomas, as the free roaming linebacker/defensive lineman hybrid who crushed QBs, was ahead of his time.
TEAM HOSS: Glenn Dorsey will be a far more marketable, amusing, and well-rounded monster than Jared Allen. Plus he's #72, which is like the penultimate defensive end number there is.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I hate Joe Montana so much, he's my least favorite Kansas City Chief ever.
TEAM ASS: Larry Johnson did a lot of bitching and whining when Dick Vermeil was coach and Priest Holmes was ahead of him on the depth chart, and now that he's been the starter, he's been able to flash a couple of Rocafella diamond hand gestures at the crowd here and there, but for the most part, he's been like any other great Penn State running back - an overhyped disappointment. I mean, he's no Ki-jana Carter, but that doesn't make him great or anything.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: I loved Herm Edwards when he was in New York, because he talked wacky, like you would expect a guy that looks like him to do. In Kansas City, I think he's more buried in midwest obscurity and can't be the quote machine he used to be, but Herm is instituting a rebuilding process out there, and it will be his retarded mulatto "for the Gipper" style player-friendly motivational techniques that will decide which direction they move long-term.
SENIOR PLAYER: Tight end Tony Gonzalez, first round draft pick from 1997.
THE RUDY: Potential starting center Rudy Niswanger came undrafted out of LSU in 2006.
FORMER HURRICANE: Lacking a former Hurricane, I chose defensive end Alfonso Boone, since he's one of the few NFL players, much less starters, who came from the junior college ranks, which means his academic prowess is on par with your average Miami Hurricane.
VIRGINIA BOY: Two potential rookie starters from my home state in former UVA tackle Branden Albert and former Virginia Tech cornerback Brandon Flowers. I remember Flowers more than Albert, but also, neither one is shit compared to Macho Harris, Virginia Tech cornerback who will be fucking up shit starting next year.
WILD SAMOAN: Defensive end Tamba Hali.
THE ICKY: Brodie Croyle is a goofy ass name. Sounds like either the nemesis to a skater kid in an '80s movie, or a brokeback mountain-derivative character.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: I don't know what industries be making Kansas City a booming metropolis back in the olden days, but pretend I do and stuff Tyler Thigpen's name in there.
FANTASY JERSEY: A #81 VANOVER for Tamarick Vanover, who was Dante Hall in KC before Dante Hall was, but then Vanover fucked up and went to prison for cocaine distribution. But why fault an NFL man for diversifying his momentary wealth? Average NFL career is only like seven years according to the constantly referenced meme I always hear.

#31: MIAMI DOLPHINS
PERTINENT DATA: 1-15 last year; 100 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: Larry Csonka, who is the all-time leading rusher for white guys. John Riggins is ahead of him, but he's half-Cherokee. Also did color commentary for the original American Gladiators.
TEAM HOSS: I think Joey Porter may be the only disgruntled veteran that Bill Parcells hasn't run off, probably because Porter is very Bryan Cox-like in his mouthy competence. I mean, Porter's not as good as he was as a Steeler, especially after getting shot in the ass (with bullets, not HGH), but he's Joey Porter, and that adds swagger to a team. Much more so than vanilla ass Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas did. I imagine those guys were great at causing chess games to break out inside the locker room. Or canasta.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: Dan Marino, with his Isotonered, non-Super Bowl going, boring pre-game bantering ass.
TEAM ASS: Taylor and Thomas were easily the recipients of this award, but Parcells ran them off, so, by default, Ted Ginn gets the award, for being an overhyped, undertalented fuckface from Ohio State. I hate Ohio State. They're not even the best football program in their own state (that being the Mount Union Purple Raiders), and they act like they're fucking USC or Miami or some shit.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: Parcells; he will either make chicken salad from chicken shit again, or he will flip out ala Pat Riley and declare himself coach, or he will have a heart attack. Really, any of the above will be entertaining.
SENIOR PLAYER: Well, even though he's enjoyed a stint in Canada and a couple of suspensions, Ricky Williams has technically been on the Dolphins roster since 2002.
THE RUDY: Linebacker Edmond Miles made the team last year with special teams specialism, and might even get into regular rotation this year on running plays.
FORMER HURRICANE: Starting right tackle Vernon Carey, who must be king of the South Beach strip clubs, having played college ball there and moved straight to multi-million dollar pro contracts without having to relocate.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie defensive lineman Kendall Langford came from small-time, all-black Hampton University (which has been turning out the pros the past couple of years). He's a shade under 290 pounds but can run a 4.7 40-yard dash.
WILD SAMOAN: The Dolphins have two Polynesian punishers in their second year out of the University of Hawaii - starting center Samson Satele and starting fullback Reagan Mauia. I give the edge to Mauia, because he's named after Ronald Reagan, and because he's famous for running through walls, literally.
THE ICKY: Linebacker Boomer Grigsby sounds like a swell cat to kick it with.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Even with the addition of Chad Pennington, I still have to say middle linebacker Channing Crowder sounds like the type of guy who'd be a 33rd degree Freemason, orally molesting children at a Bohemian Grove ceremony.
FANTASY JERSEY: An aqua-blue #32 WILLIAMS, because I'll support Ricky forever and a day. Once he's gone, we'll all miss him.

#32: ATLANTA FALCONS
PERTINENT DATA: 4-12 last year; 150 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
ALL-TIME GREAT: I have the words "White Shoes Johnson" tattooed about eight inches from my dick, so without a doubt, Billy "White Shoes" Johnson is my favorite. Not that I want him around my dick in real life or anything; I just like how randomly strange those words are self-tattooed in scrawly upside down letters.
TEAM HOSS: Michael Turner should, by all means, be the fucking man.
ALL-TIME SUCK ASS: I'm gonna go with Jamal Anderson (the former RB, not the current DE), because he disappeared completely from the earth rather suddenly, but before he did, I saw some bullshit thing where he had human breast milk frozen in his freezer as his secret device for awesomeness. Dude, I'm all for breastfeeding, where kids are okay to breastfeed up to like age four (no doubt, I believe that). But grown men should not have breast milk in their freezers for their own use, especially if it's a black dude and milk from a white woman's breast.
TEAM ASS: As long as Joey Harrington's on the roster, he's got the award. That guys is like a hard-working version of Ryan Leaf, in that he came from a Pacific Northwestern Pac-10 school and really sucks at the pro QB-ing. But Harrington keeps scrapping together jobs at lesser teams whereas Ryan Leaf had the presence of mind to go ahead and shift gears into selling insurance for a living.
TEAM TRENDSETTER: It's still Michael Vick. He's still listed on their official roster on NFL.com and I guess he's staying in shape by playing against Burt Reynolds in prison, so until he comes back out and all that hoo-ha is resolved, he is their future.
SENIOR PLAYER: Linebacker Keith Brooking was a first round draft pick out of Georgia Tech in 1998, which means he's lived around Atlanta forever. I wonder where he weights in on the T.I./Shawty Lo beef? Personally, I side with Shawty Lo, but that's partially because I've always held a grudge against T.I. for dissing Lil Flip so strongly. T.I. never made a song as awesome as "Sunny Dayz". There really should be a whole genre of happy-go-lucky, ghettotastic good times tunes like that, preferably screwed, but not necessarily chopped.
THE RUDY: Punter Michael Koenen, undrafted four years ago out of Western Washington.
FORMER HURRICANE: Rookie free agent Glenn Sharpe, who is still on the roster as I type this, but a longshot to remain there until the start of the regular season.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up fullback Jason Snelling (from UVA) is the best after the post-
Vick purging of Virginia Tech secondary members. (Both Jimmy Williams and DeAngelo Hall are gone, and were proud wearers of FREE MICHAEL VICK airbrushed t-shirts.)
WILD SAMOAN: Starting guard Kynan Forney played at Hawaii and sounds like he might be Samoan. If not, my apologies to his ethnicities, and thoughts and prayers to his innocence.
THE ICKY: Ovie Mughelli might be the best name in football right now.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: If Montavious Stanley didn't use illegal slave labor to grease the wheels of agricultural industry in the decades after the Emancipation Proclamation was proclamated, then I don't have questionable bumps on my dick.
FANTASY JERSEY: I'd get an old school #81 "White Shoes" Johnson deal, but personalize it to say WHITE BOY. Or try to sneak a #7 MEXICO through the NFL no fun league personalization filters.