I am not a molester of children, but if I were, I would almost definitely drive this van. The white van is played out anyways for abducting children, especially after that D.C. Sniper bullshit.
The last time I went past the junk car used car lot in Gold Hill, this was the one at the end of the line of new fucked cars the dude must have acquired. You probably can’t really see from an errantly scanned Polaroid, but there’s a line of equally impressive forty-plus rustmobiles in the background, above his left shoulder. Also of note is the piece of twine hanging from behind the bumper up front. I must have worked on this car at some point. My wife’s car (a ‘97 Subaru Legacy Outback) has some weird problem with the solenoid terminal connection where it stops working for no reason, so I’ve actually changed the female connector like five times in the past four months. It’s to the point I keep a pair of pliers, more female connectors, and electrical tape in her car, because we can jiggle it a few times but then it’ll just stop and I’ll have to change it, and for some reason it’ll work again. I cannot figure out the logic behind this, but it’s true. Also, her ball bearings have been clicking pretty bad, and the cover to the boot has been cracked ever since we had it replaced years ago, and I stopped by the local gas station/service shop to try and get them to shoot some grease up in the thing, but they were like, “Hahaha, you’re just wasting time. You’re gonna need to spend four hundred dollars blah blah blah I’m a cocksucking yankee in a southern town blah blah blah I’d love to rip you off,” so I bolted to the Federated Auto Parts, got myself a four dollar can of grease, came home, and fingered that bitch full of grease. I use skin irritants all the time as a housepainter (I had aluminum roof paint splatter into my eyes yesterday as a matter of fact, and it’s really hard to put thinner in your eyeballs), but this grease, with the prerequisite warning I didn’t heed, was no shit, because I could feel the nerve endings on my fingers getting wonky after a couple of minutes. So I went ahead and washed my hands with soap for once. Usually I just wash them with lavendar oil. No wait, that’s what I masturbate with. A great lubricant, and leaves you smelling floral afterwards, rather than all powdery like baby oil does or sweaty like spit will.
This former VDOT dump truck from years gone past sits directly across from the military school which is technically a high school, and lays claim to having created more NFL players than any other high school in America, except really it’s a military school and blue chip recruits who are too stupid to get straight into college after regular people high school will go there for a year to play on the exclusive football team and do shady things to get their academics right to start making money as a Division I football player. Some dude whose kid I coached in soccer a few years back, he’s a crazy Christian who thinks women should be subservient, but he also sells good free range chickens at the farmer’s market and will even bring us chicken feet to make chicken stock with when we ask, we saw him at the county fair the other night, and I guess he works there now, so his only son can go for free and is on the wrestling team at the middle school level. That’s a great opportunity for a kid raised by fundamental wacko Christian people always trying to testify at your ass in a sly manner. I wonder how many professional wrestlers Fork Union Military Academy has produced? Actually, my buddy Clever Star was forced to go to FUMA (like many delinquent rich kids in Virginia are, to shape up or get out for good) and I’m fairly certain Darren Drozdov went there around the same time. He played for the Broncos, then played for the WWF, then was paralyzed and now he’s probably one of those weird wheelchair dudes with goatees and lots of leg tattoos and band stickers all over their wheelchair buying 12-packs of Tecate cans and PBR bottles at the grocery store.
It’s funny I just talked about the one Christian people whose kid I coached, because the same year there was another Christian kid I coached, and her parents are even ca-razier, and they live on a hill behind the used car old man where this car came from. They have a corner of their hill that faces route 20 as you come into Scottsville, and they used to have creepy plywood signs about supporting Bush or Jesus or both that were written in their children’s drippy handpainted styles, and it was kinda bothersome. Well, they didn’t do it for a long time, but tonight I saw they had a “VOTE MCCAIN” piece of plywood up. Weird thing is, their oldest daughter is already driving and she seems like a friendly, motivated, smart young lady, who always is excited to talk to my wife. But you never know with those types, because they might be befriending you to drop some Jesus on your ass when you least expecticate it. I want a plywood sign that says “VOTE FOR THE BLACK GUY” because I know that would be fun in my area. I have also always wanted to have a bumper sticker that says, “Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote.” Also, after seeing a few too many of those “Freedom isn’t free” bumper stickers, I want to make one that says, “Freedom isn’t free, nor is it dumb, isn’t that weird when you can take two words with definitive meanings and put them together and it makes something completely different? AMERICA!” That would obviously have to be an oversized bumper sticker.
No comments:
Post a Comment