Yeah, I did one of these for the NBA when they ended their season, but never posted shit or wrote out remarkings, but the USA team whooped up on the ching-chongs in Olympic fervor basketballetry this morning, so I figured I’d whip this out in honor of those Olympic uniforms with the weird psychedelic watermark background design on the USA uniforms, which I’m sure will spread like wildfire through college basketball much like the Kwanzaa zubaz trim did a decade ago.
#1: San Antonio Spurs (79 points) - Not surprising they ended up at the top of this list, using my retardematics, because they’ve been consistently present near the finals every year, albeit as the team with questionable heart (or the dirty team, depending on how they whomp the other teams that season). I think they should full-on that whole good guy image and start wearing throwback John Stockton shorts. But I would also guess with the way the NBA is micro-managed, all teams have to wear the big baggy deals now, which is funny because it seems like tons of players wear those spandexy biker shorts (or compression shorts, as homos who wear that shit will describe them) underneath their size XXXLs. They should just start rocking those instead, biker shorts and Under Armour tank tops.
#2: Detroit Pistons (64 points) - The Pistons have been pretty consistently present towards the end of the season out of the Eastern Conference as well, and all without a real bonafide superstar. I attribute this to Rasheed Wallace’s white spot, meaning he was touched by God. He is a chosen player, and it wasn’t until in Detroit was he mature enough to not rebel against this role.
#3: Los Angeles Lakers (59 points) - It’s hard to really be a Lakers fans (much like the New York Yankees in baseball) being they have so many millions of fair weather fans that, when the team does good, are quick to point out how they’ve been down with the team since the days of Kareem and Magic, even though three-quarters of those people were either Bulls fans or didn’t give a fuck about basketball in most of the decade and a half between Abdul-Jabbar and Kobe Bryant. Also, Kobe is kind of a fucking schmuck, and I thought that before the whole hurting a white girl with his monster black penis in Colorado thing. In fact, the worst thing about that whole scenario (other than the questionable antics on his part) was him throwing everybody else, especially Shaq, in the NBA under the bus for secret indiscretions. Apparantly Kobe’s international upbringing with seven languages to whine and complain in kept him sheltered from the philosophy of no snitching.
#4: Boston Celtics (34 points) - Right after they won this year, I found one of those fancy NBA jerseys with the stitched numbers and name for Paul Pierce, in black, with some stupid alternative shamrock logo on the front, at the Goodwill for three fucks. I’ve been rocking that thing too much. I’ve been afraid of the tank top accelerating my white trash wigger look too much, but since shaving my dreads off last Thanksgiving, my hair’s just now grown out to that wispy Euro-trash/budding metalhead length ala Adam Morrison, and the combo of an alternative high dollar basketball jersey (albeit by way of the Goodwill) and bad upper arms tattoos (some shop-bought, some homemade, but no “THUG LIFE” in scratchy India ink letters like a hardcore wigger would have) and the unkempt greasy hair is really a good look for me I think. It makes me wonder how those dudes keep that same Euro-trash/budding metalhead length hair though, because it has to grow longer, or get cut shorter. Seems really fucking fruity to me to actually go out and pay to have your hair cut to look like you haven’t cut it, but they must do that shit to keep it looking just like that, and I guess it shouldn’t surprise me people do that. Still, it makes me do that Redd Foxx hand gesture for gay people.
#5: Miami Heat (31 points) - Let the Dwayne Wade/Michael Beasley era begin. I give it three years before Dwayne Wade is traded to like Toronto or some shit. I have never been convinced Wade was a legitimate top tier NBA superstar (a lot like Gilbert Arenas), but he played the role well when Shaq was in town. I can’t see Beasley/Wade making it happen for the Heat on a major level, although if it does, you can bet Pat Riley will come out of retirement to “coach” them to a title and get another ring to try and keep up with Phil Jackson to keep his fragile ego stroked hard.
#6: Dallas Mavericks (21 points) - I would talk shit about the Mavs like I do everything else, but Mark Cuban seems like the one pro sports owner who probably actually reads really obscure blogs in his office (instead of getting blowjobs from buxom secretaries like old school rich dudes would do), and he might read it and buy my entire town and trade me to some shithole in Rhode Island for a box of football cards from the early ‘80s.
#7: Cleveland Cavaliers (18 points) - I feel for the Cavs as they have the pre-eminent superstar of Lebron James, who’s also a local boy, yet it still seems inevitable he’s either gonna go to the New York Knicks or Brooklyn Nets when his contract runs out. What more could they do for the guy? I guess so long as the Washington Wizards still are playoff contenders though, the Cavaliers will be able to have mild post-season success in the Eastern Conference.
#8: New Jersey Nets (18 points) - Jay-Z is partial owner and I guess I either read or dreamt or something that the ultimate goal is to move the Nets to Brooklyn as part of the revitalization of that area (aka making it so white people with money live there instead of broke ass minorities, who will all move to somewhere else and make that the new shithole). That’ll be fine by me, because all the New Jersey teams part of the greater NYC metropolitan area in most sports are just second fiddles to the NYC-proper teams anyways. Man, imagine how Giants and Jets crazy people are gonna get when they start playing in the actual city limits again? Jay-Z as visible owner of the Nets is funny to me, but he should watch himself. Look at how they’re doing Kwame Kilpatrick in Detroit. Hip hop police, bro. Hip hop police.
#9: Phoenix Suns (15 points) - The Suns and Mavs have always been irreplaceable in my mind, which is even funnier when they end up playing each other. Shaq being a giant, useless weight for the Suns is as funny to me as Mark Cuban is as snide, little dork owner. For some reason, I am really annoyed by the Phoenix jerseys with airport code PHX in big letters, probably because I’ve never ridden on an airplane. It was a promise I made to myself years ago that the first time I went up in a plane, I would come down not in the plane, and I plan on holding to that. But also, it seems stupid to me. But I guess bright orange jerseys with airport abbreviations appeal to today’s text messaging generation more than bouncy basketballs with burning sun rays shooting off of it.
#10: Indiana Pacers (11 points) - Will Ferrell’s Semi-Pro was a pretty shitty movie, but it at least taught me that the Indiana Pacers were originally an ABA team. I probably had read that in a sports almanac of some sorts when I was a kid, but it was more fun learning it by watching a really good Saturday Night Live digital short when Outkast were musical guests stretched into a shitty movie than it was reading ESPN’s Sports Information Now! 1993 book.
#11: Utah Jazz (9 points) - It is surprising that ultra-conservative, ultra-white Utah has kept supporting a basketball team, even after the league moved to hip hop mode and Molester Stockton and Cowboy Malone hung up their sneaks. Yet it does. Every major sports team and the local media work the public, where the beatwriters only write positive stories, unless they are engineered by higher-ups in management to start writing dissent against particular players or coaches, so the Utah Jazz relationship with the Salt Lake City press must be on some hardcore 33rd degree Freemason level to have kept the team in good standings with the public-at-large. I’m not even talking about strip club-hopping, tatted-up NBA players either, as I’ve always understood it that Jerry Sloan is about the most drunken, belligerent bastard there is involved in the NBA. The fact he’s looked at as a hard-nosed but loveable Ward Cleaver is amazing. Props to Salt Lake City and the Brave New Basketball World it has created. I’m sure Deron Williams will lead you to a title one day, even if Molester Stockton/Cowboy Malone never could.
#12: Minnesota Timberwolves (6 points) - Not that many NBA teams made scores in my method, and this one must’ve been from years ago, but with Kevin Garnett gone, the Timberwolves should be completely irrelevant for the foreseeable future.
#13: Philadelphia 76ers (6 points) - These guys are irrelevant to me as well with no Allen Iverson, though I guess they have that black guy with the European sounding name who’s supposed to be this undiscovered talent about to blow up like the World Trade. But this is Philadelphia, and they always wanna act like they got the basketball team to beat, kinda like the Knicks, though to their credit, the 76ers are probably closer than the Knicks are right now, which isn’t really saying much.
#14: Sacramento Kings (4 points) - Peace out to Chris Webber. Your legacy is solid, bro. Heart of a Champion, with puppy dog eyeballs.
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