#1: DALLAS COWBOYS (3-1, 1st overall)
My mathematical method of ranking teams doesn't jump to conclusions like most power rankings, which are reactive and drop teams because they lost. Because I still, well my stupid method at least, has the Cowboys as the best team overall in the league, even after losing a close one at home to the Redskins. And really, they got dominated in that game, punched in the fucking pussy ass face, but they still only lost by 2 points. Of course, T.O., being a repressed homosexual who never learned no better being raised by womenfolks his whole life, has already flipped out and demanded they involve him more, even though he got the ball a third of the plays in the game. But you could see he was gonna complain, sitting on the sidelines towards the end of the game, rolling his eyes like a sixth grade class clown after being reprimanded. It makes Jerry Jones having Wade Phillips as his lame duck Ralph Wiggum-looking coach even stupider, standing over there on the sidelines looking impotent, thinking, "Man, I hope the coordinators do something to turn this around," and waiting to see what happened like he was simming a game of Madden. They're gonna be lucky to squeeze the rest of this year out of T.O. now, much less another season. And it could strike midnight again on the Tony Romo Cinderfella story again at any time, if not according to usual schedule during the playoffs in January.
Nonetheless, they're still the best in this league of parity. I was surprised at how weak their defense looked against the Redskins, because that d-line is scary. The secondary is suspect as fuck though. We knew Roy Williams was toast, but Terence Newman looked like he might be fighting for a nickelback situational role as well. But they got Cincinnati coming to town this week, which will cure anybody's ills. Ask the Browns.
#2: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (3-1, 2nd overall)
I was way concerned after that first game against the Giants, thinking my beloved Washington Redskins were doomed, being led by a deer-in-the-headlights, anime-haircut new head coach. But after this past weekend's display of smashmouth burgundy-and-gold awesomeness, I am on board the Zen of Jim Zorn bandwagon. He will end up being the Phil Jackson of the NFL, and I truly believe in his naive comments sometimes (like comparing the Redskins/Cowboys rivalry to Raiders/Seahawks, or saying the Skins wore "maroon and black" in his initial press conference) are just an act. He preaches to the players to stay even-keeled, "stay medium" being the chosen catchphrase, and you could see that even after the game, where Santana Moss was all like, "Hey, we got to stay level and just go play our next game." There was no gloating, no mental champagne celebrations for beating the best team in football and your blood rival. This is why the Redskins will be the new Patriots.
#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (3-1, 3rd overall)
You know, I have to admit Jon Gruden must be some kind of coaching genius, because he is 3-1 with the born loser named Brian Griese as his starting quarterback. That's pretty amazing. What happened to Jeff Garcia though? He's already like 38 or something, and now he's just sitting in Chris Simms spot at the end of the bench, wasting his fleeting NFL career away? With as many QBs as Tampa Bay had traded for, I also wonder if Gruden doesn't have a gay QB fetish, and once he's tired of you, you are cast aside like just another slut, except you're under contract so you can't go fuck another coach. T.O. already speculated about Garcia, who does have quite the effeminate voice. You look at any picture of Chris Simms, and it's hard not to imagine him being pretty light in the cleats. And why was Jake Plummer so against going to play there? He knew what was up. I hope one day Jon Gruden can draft himself the perfect quarterback, a young, virile kid with boyish good looks that he can settle down with and build a future together.
#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (3-1, 5th overall)
Steve Smith got himself a touchdown and he gave the ball to Ken Lucas, whose nose he smashed up in a fit of violence during the preseason. When Smith was suspended by the team, they bonded together and came out barnstorming. The Panthers always seem to be at least competitive, and the NFC South is always a clusterfuck, so they could probably run away with this one this year if Jake Delhomey can keep his creole ass from getting crippled again, and the defense stays competent, John Fox will continue his neverending foray into professional football-coaching.
#5: NEW YORK GIANTS (3-0, 8th overall)
You know why Tom Coughlin suspended Plaxico Burress? Because he's black. Getting fined for being late to meetings and shit? Fined because he's black. That's why they ran off Jeremy Shockey, because he liked rap music and hanging out with his negro friends from the U. It's sad that a team that supposedly represents New York City - the vibrant fertile breeding ground of so many proud forms of black culture that eventually spread worldwide - would be such a racist institution, headed by hick ass Eli Manning. It's sad that the backwards, close-minded mentality of Jersey has infiltrated a once proud urban professional football team, that probably didn't hire black players at one point until someone else did and they realized they needed black people, no matter how they smelled, in order to remain competitive.
#6: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (2-2, 10th overall)
That long boring ass game against the Bears proved what every football talking head fuckface has always said, that without Brian Westbrook, they ain't got shit going on. But who the fuck cares about that nonsense. The other football dork talking point is how they are last in the toughest division in the NFL, and need to turn it around quick. Fuck that noise too. I mostly just like Brian Dawkins. Were I to run a camp that trained at-risk youths to grow up and destroy the infrastructure established by The Men, I would hire Brian Dawkins to come give motivational speeches. He seems not quite sane, and is the type of player that I would hope will coach if Jerry Glanville's video game-based football league ever comes to fruition. Also Deltha O'Neal. But not Ronnie Lott. I think he's overrated as a dastardly headhunter, just because he won all those stupid Super Bowls.
#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (2-2, 17th overall)
I read something recently that led me to believe that Kardashian is an Armenian name, which makes me even more disturbed by Kim Kardashian. I love big asses like a motherfucker, ogling them, even hiding in the woods to masturbate thinking about them sometimes. But her's is weirdly overshaped. Now I understand it better, being she may or may not be Armenian. I used to work with some Armenians, and they are a weak breed of human, very fickle and superficial and apt for overexaggeration. Plus lots of hair, but K-dubble probably shaves all that off. I do acknowledge the genocide of Armenians at some point I don't know about by some other people, I think the Turkmen was who done it, because if a culture wants to badger others into admitting a whole bunch of them were killed senselessly in the past, I am down. I want us all to get along and have pot lucks where I bring some good egg-based potato salad while they bring their weird ass Armenian food. Unless that's one of the Euro cultures I don't know shit about that like all those awesome sausages like whitefish sausage and chains of them like Tony Soprano wears around twirling the end of, because I want to get down with that type of culture, at least for like Saturday supper, which is what we folks call your dinner down here.
#8: ATLANTA FALCONS (2-2, 23rd overall)
Arthur Blank is a funny looking little old rich dude, like Mel Brooks somehow even homelier-looking brother. That's all I got this week because I'm tired, don't give a fuck, but wanted to force this out tonight, for my retarded self-imposed deadlines that mean nothing, so that I can get back to laying in the bed and having fantasy delusions of how the Redskins are gonna be 7-1 in a few weeks. That's bad energy to be sending into the cosmos, to jinx up my favorite team, but I don't really know no better.
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