#1: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (4-1, 1st overall)
It appears that at least for this year, free agency-based league parity has set in, and we are in for some January Madness. And yes, according to my completely faulty mathematical calibrations, the Steelers are the best team in the NFL, at least for this week. Their offensive line has looked susceptible though, and poor big ole Ben Roethlisberger has taken a beating - not as bad as helmetless brain skids along Pennsylvania country roads - but nonetheless, the average dude's body is not inclined to stand up straight-right after getting pretzeled into nice grass every Sunday afternoon. And the funny thing is they've got Byron Leftwich backing him up. Remember when that guy was gonna be the greatest thing ever? Man, that one didn't pan out too well. Willie Parker returns to ignorantly yet stylishly start mad dashing for crazy yards again this week, and if they can keep their shit together, they might be able to make a run at home-field advantage in the piecemeal AFC. Of course, shit seems to go awry weekly when you pretend to prognosticate this type of pro football bullshit this year.
#2: CHICAGO BEARS (3-3, 11th overall)
And yeah, the Bears are ranked second. Really, with the NFC East and NFC South being such thickly contested divisions, the NFC North, traditionally referred to by talking head faggots as the Black-n-Blue division, is like a quagmire of mediocrity. Someone might rip off like a three-game winning streak and end up dominating the pack in doing so. Seriously, I would be surprised if the eventual winner has a winning record, as none of the teams are really consistent. One thing's for sure though, Kyle Orton is about a thousand times better than Rex Grossman was. It's a shame that Lovie Smith has decided to fill-in as resident retard when it comes to making stupid snap decisions, and fucking up another year of the Bears allegedly great defense, which I think is actually on the downcline this year and probably last too. And good god, fuck a Brian Urlacher. That stupid faggot should just go ahead and play for the Patriots or Cowboys so he can be surrounded by the appropriate level of gay assed pretentiousness deserving of such a overrated jarhead douchebag.
#3: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-3, 17th overall)
Remember when the Vikings season was over? Shit, fans thought it was over last week when it was 2-0 at halftime. When Gus Frerotte can salvage your team's season, in 2008, that's a pretty good sign that there's too much NFL. Maybe the league will downsize during this new depression to like half the teams, or better yet just make 16 A-league teams, drop half the league to a B-league, and create another 12 teams, and the B-league teams only play regional schedules and can't make the playoffs but can move up or down over the course of years depending on their performance. Then maybe the NFL network can have more actual games to put on their channel, which I don't get anyways. But I like Rich Eisen. He seems like a fun guy to have a beer with; I'd totally vote for him. Unless he was running against Bob Odenkirk. In that case, fuck a Rich Eisen. Isn't Eisen married to that slut-eyed Suzy Kolber chick too? I don't know why I ask all these questions to nobody when I should just google it up, but I'd rather not now to be honest. It's fun not knowing things, especially in this day and age when every mother fucker thinks they're an expert about anything because they read about it for 45 minutes inside the internets one night.
#4: CLEVELAND BROWNS (2-3, 18th overall)
Derek Anderson staved off the ushering in of the Brady Quinn era for at least two more weeks with his sudden Madden-like performance against the Giants this past Monday. Braylon Edwards remembered how to catch the ball and Jamal Lewis ran like he hadn't even been to jail yet, and everything was right for the Browns in their throwback uniforms. I found that odd, as basically it's always looked like they've had the same uniforms for a hundred and nineteen years. It must be hard to figure out ways to drum up that extra alternate jersey revenue when you have a boring ass history like the Browns, that you have know-it-all fuckers be like, "Man, they were the pre-eminent franchise back in the '50s." I have found in my short circles upon the surface of this earth ball though, that I enjoy the company of Browns fans. They seem like good people on average, unless you get them riled up upon the Steelers. But even then, it seems like Steelers fans like to shit on Browns fans more than Browns fans really care. They just want to get drunk and win a fucking football game. Who can't get behind that?
#5: GREEN BAY PACKERS (3-3, 21st overall)
Aaron Rodgers has been floating some of the prettiest ass long ball tosses the past couple of weeks in highlight reel material. I haven't seen the whole games, so I can't speak on his overall competence this far into his first year as the starting young gunslinger for the Packers, but he certainly has had some nice Sportscenter moments. Brett Favre has gotten buckwild too once or twice, but he's still throwing interceptions as often as ever. So maybe T-dubble and M-dubble were right in running off ol' Wrangler britches. Really, who the fuck cares though? Their defense, which is supposed to be their Samson's hair, is all matted and fucked-up right now. But remember, this is the NFC North, where not much is gonna be just enough.
#6: BALTIMORE RAVENS (2-3, 24th overall)
Not too much time between being one of the last shockingly undefeated teams left in the NFL, at 2-0, to being yep, that piece of shit Ravens team we expected. Joe Flacco, after looking like he might be a sudden gem at first, is starting to look more like a shitty Division I-AA rookie QB. The defense is still good, but older. I mean, Ray Lewis can still piledrive and cripple motherfuckers (that second string RB dude for the Steelers got fucking CRUSHED by Lewis), but he's one funky pre-game ritual away from having a career-ending torn groin. I'd like to see Ray Lewis become a head coach though. Maybe they should just make him defensive coordinator right after he retires, and he could keep doing his pre-game funky strut for years to come. Ever since he no-snitched (or did he? I can't remember) on that Atlanta stabbing a few years back, he's really settled into Mr. Serious Football Dude Who Doesn't Show Up In Uncle Luke Porns pretty well. Nice adjustment, Mr. Lewis. You should pull that ankle-length white fur back out with the matching hat for when you get inducted in Canton.
#7: DETROIT LIONS (0-5, 30th overall)
Nice move after dumping Matt Millen for the Lions to somehow con the Cowboys out of half of next year's draft. What is it about overhyped Texas kids in the NFL being the basis of ridiculous trades? There was Ricky Williams, who I've always meant to spend an hour googling up the bullshit to see who exactly was drafted with all the picks traded for him in both New Orleans and Miami. Now Roy Williams goes to the Cowboys for a 1st, a 3rd, and a 6th. What a chump move on Jerry Jones end, and also bound to escalate T.O.'s craziness. But I am not hear to gloat over the impending doom of the Cowboys, but to talk upon the shitty Detroit Lions. Man, having your QB take a snap and just run out the back of the end zone like it's no thing, that might have been the funniest and stupidest thing I've ever seen in a pro football game. It is highlights like that that make me think they could possibly do the opposite of last year's Patriots and have a perfectly miserable 0-16 season. But just in that one single trade this week before the deadline, whoever the fuck their new general manager is has outdone everything Matt Millen ever did. He should just trade all their good players and have like 40 draft picks next year and go buckwild, fielding an all-rookie team.
#8: CINCINNATI BENGALS (0-6, 32nd overall)
I kinda hope that Carson Palmer is done for the year so that Bubby Brister Jr. (aka Ryan Fitzpatrick aka Born Loser) can finish out the season, and the Bengals can be completely shitty. On one hand, I feel bad because T.J. Houshmandeeznuts is on my fantasy team, and he only plays good on weeks where I have given up on him and bench him. He is in a contract year, so a shitty season like he's bound to have with a retard Irishman QBing the rest of this sinking ship of Marvin Lewis's head coaching career is not gonna help him get paid. But then again, maybe Vinny Cerratto will throw like a billion dollars and seventeen draft picks at the Bengals to get him on the Redskins roster, although with their high-profile acquisitions of Jason Taylor and Shaun Alexander, I don't think Houshmandezlaa is gay enough to become a Redskin.
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