#1: TENNESSEE TITANS (6-0, 2nd overall) - Really, the only thing you have to say to show how fucking mediocre the NFL has become, where anyone can beat anyone and nobody is allowed to stockpile players or build dynasties, is that the starting QB of the only undefeated team left in the NFL right now is Kerry Collins. Kerry Fucking Collins. The recovered alcoholic. The dude of questionable uses of epithets towards his own wide receiver in Carolina. The fucking douchebag fratboy-faced fuckwad who was previously known for gunslinging interceptions like AFC West running backs sling fertile sperm into various womenfolks. Kerry Collins. And Vince Young is an afterthought all of a sudden - the young darling of the NFL who was on Madden's cover last year. He is a mentally unstable ignorant (at least according to his wonderlickings) young black dude who may never be the same, because the game has used him the fuck up, sold a ton of $78 jerseys with his name on it, and tossed him aside. Shit, he should've started a dogfighting operation too, to at least get something out of his short stint as future superstar face of the NFL. I would bet, even in prison, Michael Vick gets his pick of the man-pussy.
But let's be for-real here... there is no way a team led by Kerry Collins is gonna win a Super Bowl. And also, it was funny as fuck to see LenDale White have that long ass run last weekend, looking over his shoulder like "What the fuck? Somebody catch me before I have a heart attack."
#2: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (5-2, 4th overall) - It looks like Jon Gruden's giving Jeff Garcia his locket back, and they're going steady again. They're so sweet. I remember last year when I was in Algebra II with them, and sat between them in the same row, and Jeff was always passing notes forward to Jon, and I'd have to pass it with it under my sneaker, sliding it up under Jon's desk and tapping him on his back. It happened so often that he didn't even look back when I tapped eventually, just instinctively reaching down discreetly so that mean old Mrs. Dumminger didn't catch him. But I give him credit, he truly is an offensive genius. He had made some Chinese ninja throwing stars with razor notebook paper and gave them to Jeff before class one time, and she actually caught the passing note, and mean old Mrs. Dumminger opened it up and started reading it, "Dear Jon, Do you like me to be under your center this Sunday? Check one. Yes. No. May..." and before she could get out that last syllable, double razor notebook paper Chinese ninja throwing stars into her eyeballs by Jeff Garcia. He's ambidextrous, you know.
#3: CAROLINA PANTHERS (5-2, 6th overall) - In the Redskins shittiest era (aka Jack Kent Cooke had just died and Norvell Turner was coaching), I had actually contemplated abandoning them for the Panthers. That's how down I was on the Skins. But I never could do that shit. Still though, I have always liked the Panthers at least casually, and them having Steve Smith on their team has just made it better. Although that suffered a setback this week as I heard him on Jim Rome's show, and it kinda ruined it. First off, curses to the local other AM sports radio station for having local suckasses from noon to 3 pm, who actually repeat themselves over and over and over every hour, so that if you listen for more than 30 minutes, it's just a re-do of the same bullshit. It's because of them I even have listened to Jim Rome lately. And other than being forced to out of extreme boredom and desiring sports radio's soothing babble to make the hours disappear at work, I cannot fathom why anyone would listen to Jim Rome. It was bad enough years ago when I listened to him last, but now it's like wacky morning show FM DJ sound bites over and over that I guess is supposed to be funny, except they are against drugs, so I guess you have to be handicapped and into sports. I had no idea there were that many special olympians on the earth though. Anyways, Steve Smith was on there, giving financial advice, being noble by refusing to talk to the media about breaking his teammate's nosebones, all that. And then came Rome talking about how "epic" the interview was and reading 19,000 emails that said "Steve Freakin' Smith". God that shit is so fucking predictable. It would've been much better if they had talked about what airbrush dude did his shoes up every week, or ask how Rae Carruth was doing or something. Fucking white ass Jim Rome.
#4: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (3-3, 8th overall) - I guess the Jaguars are still supposed to be considered a good team, but I say fuck that noise. They've had as many people get arrested as the Bengals the past few years, just more quietly in Jacksonville. Shit, their best player all-time, Jimmy Smith, was a perennial cokehead. And Matt Jones just got busted with coke. Who the fuck gets busted for coke in the NFL in 2008? I think it all goes back to Jack Del Rio, who looks more like a family man caught up with bad influences on an old episode of Miami Vice than any other coach in any sport ever. He looks the part so well that you know he lives the part, to an extent. They are a lawless team, where motherfuckers used to chop a chunk of wood in the locker room with an ax, and a reserve O-lineman got shot the fuck up so badly earlier this season that he lost a leg and is paralyzed for life. Gangstas man. Gangstas don't win Super Bowls as a unit. You can squeeze a couple gangstas into the mix, most successfully at linebacker, but you can't just have a team full of Tupacs in Juice and expect to continue on the upswing. I think what we are seeing is the last gasps of a gangsta ass crew that's about to implode, send Jack Del Rio on his merry way, and go back to being a shitty team. Hopefully, Pete Carroll will take an NFL job and Del Rio will get offered the gig at his alma mater - USC, and they'll turn into a college gangsta ass team, like Miami was, which of course will eventually ruin USC's football program, like Miami's sucks now, because they'll be forced to actually make kids go to classes and not get paid openly and shit like that.
#5: ATLANTA FALCONS (4-2, 10th overall) - Oh man, spirits is high in the ATL as Matty Ryan has done far better than ever expected. But wait till that shooting star crashes back to the earth, once the NFL parity curve catches up to Atlanta and their new offense featuring Michael Turner's fast little ass. The Falcons will always suck, because they abandoned those pimp ass red uniforms, and double cursed once they replaced the simple flat falcon for that semi-cybertronic looking ass thing perfect for the XFL. Call it the curse of White Shoes Johnson's Wobbly Legs.
#6: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (3-3, 22nd overall) - Watching the Colts suck is so fun because I hate me some Peyton Manning. It will be funny because his career will basically be broken into three parts: the first 8 or so years - couldn't win the big game, that one year - won the big game, the last 8 or so years - didn't win the big game again. Jokes on you, you fucking goober.
#7: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (3-4, 24th overall) - I would say, without doing a lot of research or reading or know-it-all pontification, that the biggest problem with the Saints is that I can name about 9 offensive skill position players they have, and beyond that dreadlocked dude Mike McKenzie who used to play for the Packers alongside Al Harris as the most dreadlocked pair of cornerbacks ever, I couldn't tell you a defensive player for the Saints. I read recently that head coach Sean Payton and QB Drew Brees are great homies, going out together to see movies or bang trannies and shit, and that's all fine and dandy I guess, but when you see those clips of Brees all conniption fitting the team into motivation before games, it seems kind of weird. Kind of like when you have a boss and most everybody doesn’t want to do shit at work because you know, we’re American so fuck it, let’s look at shit online instead, but there’s like that one dude who’s down with the boss and they go to lunch together and pound Budweisers at a BBQ joint, and that dude tries to rally motherfuckers to give a shit and go hard until quitting time. Fuck dudes like that.
#8: HOUSTON TEXANS (2-4, 26th overall) - Man, that game a couple weeks back that Sage Rosenfels single-handedly lost to the Colts was amazing. I mean, the feeble Texan fans had already turned on Matt Schaub, and here ol’ Sage had led the team to a near-defeat of the dreaded Indianapolis Colts in a sign of validation for this young team with horrendous uniforms. Then, just like that, he gave it back, lost his good credit, and is back to being a back-up, and will probably never start a game again anywhere except during family reunions. Just like that. The Texans are one of the most obscure teams in the NFL. I know they have players, and I know of some of the better ones, but they could have like a great LB that goes into free agency and the Redskins pay a jillion dollars for and I’d be like, “Who the fuck is this guy?” I feel kinda bad for Mario Williams too, because he was getting all that Big Draft Bust publicity, then he started playing good and the team faded into the NFL background. At least when he was a failure, he was noteworthy. Now, no one knows who he is. I think the best thing for the franchise would be for TV Johnny Dang to buy them, put diamonds in their face masks, and just be the most over-the-top outrageous team in the NFL. With Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton, they’re already partially equipped to navigate such territory. Really, if they could just pick up Vince Young from the Titans and run an option offense called Super Bling, and then run a wacky reverse bling defense, always in at least nickelback coverage, but with extra strong safeties to blitz and spear motherfuckers, that’d be some great shit to see happen. But I’m just dreaming... dreaming away my last blurb.
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