#1: ARIZONA CARDINALS (5-3, 8th overall) - This is the year the Cardinals will celebrate finally living up to their potential. Except it's been like ten years promised to be coming. Also, they have almost as many wins as everybody else in their division combined, but they are just barely over .500 themselves. This is like winning the special ed spelling bee, and once they make the playoffs, even in this year of mediocre clusterfuck parity, they will be dispatched rather abruptly. And probably in front of a less-than-sell-out crowd, unless somehow they are playing the Cowboys, whose fans will fill the stadium like usual.
#2: CHICAGO BEARS (5-3, 9th overall) - The Bears are also leading a clusterfuck division, which really could turn into anything in two weeks time. I have internet Bears fans galore, and it's really amusing to see the Bears having to go with Rex Grossman for however long they have to go with him. It's like you are in a race and then Imaginary God decides you have to have cancer that could become full-blown suckiness at any second for one long ass length of the race. You just kinda hope you can coast through it and the cancer doesn't blow the fuck up, ruining your chances completely, before you go back to normal. Also, recent stories have come to light how Kyle Orton is a drunken underage womanizer galore, which explains the dirtbag beard, which of course, I completely endorse and respect. At first, I thought, "Awesome, Kyle Orton is a degenerate millionaire, sneaking teenage girls into clubs." But then I sort of realized that's basically what Kerry Collins used to be, and Kerry Collins is the most untrustworthy weasel-like human being in football. Seriously, he looks like the elder dirt dog of a roofing crew, the guy who gets to drives the work truck when the boss has to go to court. That is Kyle Orton's fate, and it's creepy. But maybe he won't ever quit and he can be a drunken degenerate forever. Or rather than go the Kerry Collins route, he could also pull a Kenny Stabler, trade in his debauchery after its peak for a trophy wife or two, and settle down and be the color commentator for Purdue football radio after his playing career is over.
#3: GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-4, 17th overall) - I had a best friend growing up who was a big Packers fan, probably just to be difficult with everybody else, and we ended up having a falling out as adults because he was a terrible alcoholic (like the completely unfun kind who would get belligerent or who you'd call and say, "Hey, I'll come by to pick you up in two hours," and when you get there he'd be passed out on the couch with the back door wide open and an empty fifth of Jim Beam on the coffee table). Plus, he told people back home I had the AIDS, which I have no idea where that came from. Although I also had three girlfriends of his in a row proposition me at various times while involved him and he was passed out or in the bathroom or I was giving them a ride home. I never fucked none of them, because I am an honorable man, and even though this friend was barely a halfway decent friend, I could not violate that trust. Which is ridiculous of me, because basically nothing really matters. I lost out on a lot of pussy with my retarded moral compass, and what do I have to show for it? Anyways, usually when I think of the Packers, I think of watching them play and their stupid funny-talking fans with cheeseheads on, and I think of Pete, who now has a real estate license in Richmond, which seems pretty appropriate. I imagine all Packers fans to be the same sort of seemingly upstanding but secretly impossible types of filthy human beings. That's why they loved Brett Favre so much, because he's cut from the same cloth. I feel bad for Aaron Rodgers, because not only does he have to battle the cult of Favre, but the overall slimy shithead nature of Packers fans. I hope his soul is not compromised in the process of attempting to fulfill his football dreams. Some things just aren't worth it.
#4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (4-4, 18th overall) - How the fuck could Gus Frerotte lead the Vikings back to the brink of NFC Central leadership? As a Redskins fan, I once sat through the longest most painful game I've ever seen in my adult life, a Monday night game if I remember correctly, where Frerotte was QB for the Skins against the New York Giants. It was the night he infamously headbutted a padded wall and knocked himself out the game. It was also a 7-7 tie after overtime expired, a long boring affair. Me and my man Born King ended up drunk as fuck at this chick Jenn's house, cut on her house alarm to her sister's annoyance, and then we went drunk driving through Church Hill, wrecking her car onto a cobblestone sidewalk, but limping it back home. It was a great time back then, but seems like centuries ago. I am still a little off, but a settled hard-working half the time family man all the time, looking to carve my mark on this World. And here's Gus Frerotte, still stumbling around, same blank deer-in-the-floodlight expression, QBing in the NFL. I am not impressed by these career NFL back-ups, just waiting to ruin some young guy's job with mediocre old guy efficiency. If stupid NFL teams would go back to having veteran QBs with young back-ups who, no matter how high a draft pick or profile they have, sit behind the vet for two or three years, to cut their teeth and learn the ropes (double cliché action!), instead of this new style where you throw some young dude to the wolves like shit on the wall (more double cliché action!) and hope he sticks, with some cagey veteran fucker holding the clipboard wearing a baseball cap on the sideline, just waiting for a chance to grab his helmet and look like he’s ready, even though he hasn’t taken a snap in a regular season game since 2003. It’s almost better career-wise to fly under the radar like a Frerotte or Todd Collins than to be a first round bust like David Carr or Patrick Ramsey, both of whom could probably stand around and look like they’re ready just as good as a Frerotte or Collins.
#5: ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-6, 24th overall) - I like how the Rams hulked up for two weeks when Haslet took over, then Steven Jackson got gimpy again and they’re shit as a team. On a completely unrelated note, I do not know where the Rams play now, but I guess they must have a new stadium, because that annoying ass Greatest Show on Turf era bullshit astroturf is gone and replaced by the nicest looking grass I think I’ve ever seen in football. Seriously, if that’s fake grass or real grass or whatever, they have a nice looking field. I let my yard go wild because my wife makes voodoo tinctures from a lot of things (in fact, used a goldenrod oil made from the flowers to help my seized up neck and shoulder muscles go back to normal just yesterday and today) that pop up, so we’re far from Round-Up types. In fact, I usually never have all my 2 acre yard cut because we are letting parts of it go for this or that. There’s still a tall patch beside one side of the house because it has some werewolf plant my wife wanted to let grow and harvest but didn’t because it brings drastic change to your life when you handle it intensely like that. So I can appreciate a nice looking grass field for a sporting event. Props to the Rams field crew. If they do such a thing, they should send them dudes to the Pro Bowl.
#6: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-6, 29th overall) - I have a buddy who is seemingly a respectable member of society, selling medical supplies, but secretly is a degenerate pervert. He had tons of those Leg Show magazines with women’s big dirty feet stepping on dude’s dicks and all, and we joked about getting him a Laotian boy for his birthday one year and he was all like, “Cool!” and we weren’t sure if he was joking or not. He is a Seahawks fan, which always seemed odd to me, because even when they are the best they’ve ever been, like a few years ago, they really weren’t a legitimate threat. You knew Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck were probably gay with Mike Holmgren playing the part of the wizened old bear showing them the ropes of underground S&M culture in liberal Seattle back alleys. And now they are back to being complete shit, with little glint of hope to move out of it. Maybe they’ll change their uniforms again. But it seems to fit my friend’s personality - secret pervert who wants to feel unworthy and abused. I would imagine most adult male Seahawks fans are like that.
#7: DETROIT LIONS (0-8, 31st overall) - You know, I’m kinda sad because I don’t think it’s possible the Lions will go 0-16, even with the tough schedule they have. I wish Dan “Safety Dance” Orlovsky wasn’t injured and they weren’t running with gimpy retread Daunte Culpepper this week, because I think if the Big O was still under center, they would’ve upended the Jaguars this weekend. They’ve kept it close a number of games, and are bound to crack one open at some point. Shit, just by releasing the giant crushing worthlessness of Matt Millen, they’ve probably guaranteed themselves two victories this year. Now maybe they can draft something other than a wide receiver with their first overall pick.
#8: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-6, 32nd overall) - Man, we’ve all been waiting years for Samurai Mike Singletary to finally eyeball his way into a head coaching job. But good god, what the fuck. He’s acting like he’s trying to turn around an underachieving high school team, mooning them, sending a main offensive weapon to the showers well before a game was over. I love the idea of crazy coaches and all, but I think you’ve got to be one of the boys crazy like Jack Del Rio as opposed to the “I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T FUCKING PLAY HARD YOU FUCKING PUSSY!” ways of early head coaching Singletary. Although he might just be remembering his own playing days and secretly sabotaging the rival 49ers from within, kinda like how Norv Turner did to the Redskins. He’ll fuck the franchise up for like five years, rendering them even more ineffective than ever, get fired, and be the D-coordinator for the Bears for like ten years after that. You’d think he’d want to ruin a division rival though, but I guess the Lions are already pretty impotent, and the Vikings and the Packers are too smart to hire Singletary to coach their team into submission.
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