NFL WK 12: AFC South & East teams

#1: TENNESSEE TITANS (10-0, 1st overall) - Usually the Madden curse has only affected players physically in the year they grace the cover, but apparently it has taken a strange Ringu-style PG-13 horror flick psychological turn on Vince Young, who is now crazy and despondent and doesn't care any more about the game of the egg. Kerry Collins still creeps me out. Trent Dilfer as a QB who didn't fuck up just enough to let a strong defense win the Super Bowl didn't bother me, because Dilfer looked like a decent enough dude to talk at and chill and drink some beers and take some shrooms and shoot at crackheads with an air pump BB gun and all. But Kerry Collins looks like a roofer. Roofers are the lowest rung of construction site society, like the filth of the salt of the earth. I can accept good ole boy Super Bowl QBs (ala Brett Favre, plus anyone before 1979), I can accept uber-Christ Super Bowl QBs (ala Kurt Warner), or Super Bowl QBs who got that surgery that fixed their cleft lips (like John Elway), even a gay (like Steve Young or Joe Montana), mongoloid (like Peyton Manning), or black Super Bowl QB (Doug Williams, plus 1/8th of Mark Rypien's blood). But I will never accept a fucking roofer Super Bowl QB. America, as fucked as it is, cannot have fallen that far from grace.

#2: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (6-4, 8th overall) - Peyton and the boys have creepy crawled their way back into playoff relevance, except gangsta ass-looking/corporate-voiced and named Bob Sanders might be injurious again, thus fucking up the Colts ability to not allow teams to outscore their old ass offense. But they will probably still make the playoffs, mostly because the NFL and Roger Goodell would like to engineer some marketable and well-known ass players into the mix, so as to increase ad revenue. This shit is all fixed. Next year, new mulatto President, war in Iraq phased out for more important showdown with persnicketty Iranians (which has been in the Bilderberger works since at least 2001, when the Twin Towers plane landings were faked), Tom Brady will have "recovered" competely and the Patriots will again fill us all with patriotic fervor. The rise of the Manning bros. has been nothing more than a couple of good Southern characters that we can all trust to do the job and lose to Tom Brady's pretty face, thus making him seem like not only the pretty boy us Joe 30-packs see him to be, but a regular straight up bro who can get the job done. God Bless America.

#3: NEW YORK JETS (7-3, 11th overall) - Being he is about the only superstar on my shitty fantastical football team, I wish the ol' gunslinger would stop leading his team to rushing TDs in their glorious rise to AFC prominence. I often mock guys like T.O. or Jeff Garcia or Chad Johnson or Shaun Alexander for having the twinkly-eyes of the repressed homosexual, but in the coaching ranks, there is no more obvious a repressed gay pervert than Eric Mangini. I would not be surprised if the Mangini/Belichick conflict arises from that very fact, as I could see Belichick having wet dreams during the two hours he sleeps on his office couch during the football season about big, hairy, bald men, but with Tom Brady faces.

#4: MIAMI DOLPHINS (6-4, 13th overall) - You know, the Dolphins rise from the dregs of the NFL is commonly attributed to the alleged brilliance of Bill Parcels, but there's a lot more at work here. We've sort of moved away from astrology since the '70s, it seeming like a joke to our 21st century science-fellating mindframes. But when you break down the Dolphins roster, there's about 37% Sagittarians, which is a ridiculous zodiac majority, considering there are 12 signs in all, and this year has been a phoenix-like year of rebirth for Sagittarians. Long-term, it doesn't look as good though. Astrologically speaking, they should peak even higher next year, then maintain a modest consistency the following 2010 season, but that will be about it for this cycle of the stars. I wish NFL dork websites had birth sign data, so I could investigate whether Bill Parcels is truly a sports scientific genius, or just an astrological nut, who works his magic according to how the planets are aligned. That'd explain his short-term work history, which always seem to be successful.

#5: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (4-6, 21st overall) - It always seemed odd to me that Big Pun, the Puerto Rican rapper, tried to play it off he was a gangsta of some sort, which I guess was expected of any rapper at that point. How gangsta can a 400 pound happy-faced dude really be? I bet he loved kids, and would bounce them on his knees, which he probably didn't really like to stand on, being his weight broke them down at an early age. A little-known internet factoid is that Pun was a seventh round draft pick of the Jaguars back in their inaugural year, when Pun was a nose tackle for Syracuse.

#6: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (6-4, 22nd overall) - I used to not believe in a God. But I have to admit, it became cliche to want to smash stupid fucking Boston types in the face with empty 40 ounce bottles, mostly because travelling throughout the northeast a couple of times showed me that Bostononians were the low-rung of New England society, contradicting that whole Blue Blood tradition. But then the Patriots and Red Sox and Celtics all started winning championships left and right the past decade, causing stupid Boston cartoon caricature true flesh and blood humans to be even more outlandishly retarded, thus causing me to pick fights with them again. My passionate hatred has been rekindled, and only a caring and observant God could have seen fit to cause such a thing inside of me.

#7: BUFFALO BILLS (5-5, 24th overall) - The Bills will nary be successful with those hideous Eurotrash soccer uniforms. If Marv Levy had any sense, and I think he's still the Dictator of All Affairs for the Bills, he'd dump this shit they're wearing now, go back to the old school ones like they wore when O.J. was stabbing defenses with the thrust of his powerful legs, except be all bitchy because of the O.J. bullshit, and change the shitty flag blue to powder blue. Powder blue jerseys with that block-style red bison on the white helmets, that shit would be pimp. Then you might get more than one awesome proud oversized black man like Marcus Stroud to come play for your franchise, thus relinquishing the necessity to trust habitual child molesters like Darryl Talley and Bruce Smith with your franchise's success.

#8: HOUSTON TEXANS (3-7, 26th overall) - Back to the bottom with your stupid asses. You can throw all the Steve Slatons and Andre Davises you want on this team, they are doomed perpetually. Stupid post-9/11 uniform choice, combined with the stupidest team nickname of any major pro sports team of the past twenty years. Although I just watched the video for "Brooklyn Zoo" four times in a row, and if they could somehow incorporate that happy-go-lucky successful-against-all-odds crackhead energy of ODB, perhaps with a slowed down DJ Screw soundtrack, complemented with their stupid logo given a cracked mirror photoshop effect on their helmets, now with like a glitter candy flake stupid blue instead of the regular blue, or better yet a color changing helmet that gets purple looking at night under fake lights but still dark blue in the sunshine, they'd get over as fuck. I'm sure there's some crazy rich Arabs who have color changing silk you could use for the uniforms, too. Those motherfuckers be building islands in the shape of fetishes, so I bet they got clothes using genetically modified silkworms.