I used to every year in my zine The Confederate Mack do payroll per victory for baseball teams and rank them, because I find it amazing how much player payroll is spent per winning game. It seems impossible to me that anybody could make money owning a pro baseball team, excepting those few teams who have like 3000 different styles of their baseball cap worn by fans and urban youth galore. So I did it again this year, and here are the worst 14 teams, if you consider worst being spending the most money per victory achieved. I count post-season as well as regular season in this nonsense.
#1: New York Yankees ($2,349,231.20 per victory) - The Yankees have pretty much always finished worst on this list ever since they took over A-Rod, and before then they always finished second behind the Rangers, who has a high payroll and still sucked. I used to frequent this dork message board where there was a prominent guy who was a Yankees fan and he’d call anti-Yankees fans cockroaches and shit, acting like they were haters. But come on man, fuck the Yankees, buying up everybody they can. It’s so ridiculous that you know it won’t work, and this past season where they didn’t even make the playoffs, yet like half their starting line-up got rich enough to buy other Major League Baseball teams, it’s too fucking funny. Then stupid assed Junior Steinbrenner gets all bitchy about how the playoff teams are decided, acting like it’s not because they didn’t make the playoffs for the first time in a while but because he cares about the sport. If the Yankees cared about the sport, they might try to not drive up the price of every player who might be halfway decent, thus rendering most teams unable to sign a high profile free agent. Then they all end up in the Bronx, where they are poisoned by the cancer of contentedness, knowing they’re not just a baseball player anymore but in NYC, and could end up fucking Madonna (like A-Rod) or Mariah Carey (like Jeter) or something. I can understand it being hard to give a fuck about playing a stupid game like baseball when you’re trying to score some pretty famous notches on the gold-trimmed mahoganey headboard of your king-sized bed.
#2: Seattle Mariners ($1,928,958.72 per victory) - They weren't that good either, outside of Ichiro Suzuki, who must be making a bazillion dollars in order to explain this hefty payroll.
#3: Detroit Tigers ($1,860,610.76 per victory) - The Tigers, not too long ago, were one of those young scrappy teams that made the playoffs with a relatively low payroll. Instead of sticking to their secret genius plans and dumping off all their good players for hot prospects, to keep cycling in unknown talent and compete, they actually resigned all their good young players, as well as a few high profile free agents. This has led to absolutely nothing but false hopes and finishing third on this nefarious list.
#4: New York Mets ($1,548,240.18 per victory) - As much as I hate the Yankees and their fans, it's just as fun to laugh at the misery of the Mets, who don't even have all those World Series rings to flash at me to justify their ridiculousness.
#5: Atlanta Braves ($1,421,745.60 per victory) - The Braves have come back to earth, finally not having like 3 of the best 6 pitchers in the game at once, which carried them to a decade's worth of Divisional titles, but only one World Series ring. My dad always liked the Braves, and I grew up a Giants fan, so I've hated the fucking Braves forever. Pulling up their Triple-A team from Richmond, which was a good afternoon place to go get drunk in the sunshine, even though I didn't do it hardly enough, makes me not like them even further.
#6: Los Angeles Dodgers ($1,347,597.00 per victory) - Had a pretty good run after getting Man-Ram there at the end of the season. I was actually rooting for them in the playoffs, as I like Manny Ramirez. Baseball players are such full of shit assholes, it's nice to see some guy just be like fuck it, which of course is an affront to the purity of baseball to the types of assholes who obsess over it. If he ends up signing the contract the Dodgers offered him, I would expect them to be far higher on this list next year, regardless of how well their season goes.
#7: Chicago White Sox ($1,346,548.13 per victory) - Really, the only thing good about the White Sox was Ozzie Guillen's wacky ass antics, but after hearing that "psssh" soundbite about 3000 times in the two hours of Jim Rome I've listened to this year, I don't even like him. There are people out there who excitedly listen to the Mike & Mike show in the morning, and then Jim Rome in the afternoon, and they think all of it is smart and funny. I hope all those people get the bird flu.
#8: Boston Red Sox ($1,320,693.42 per victory) - Honestly, being they consistently have the second highest payroll, by far, in Major League Baseball, the fact they are successful enough to fall as low as 8th on this list is impressive. I really don't mind the Red Sox, as they used to be funny that first time they won the World Series with a bunch of longhaired freaks and closet degenerates. Now, they've moved more towards that clean cut whiteboy image which probably matches their fan base better, but doesn't seem as probably to win another ring. And man, I can't tell you how much that Papelbon kid freaks me out, with his mouth always looking like an anus.
#9: Chicago Cubs ($1,220,060.13 per victory) - I enjoy seeing the Cubs curse continue year after year, because it's so comedically perfect to see baseball fans suffer. Also, I am in full solidarity with goats, so not letting a straight up regular acting bro bring his goat to the baseball game is an unforgivable offense, and they are right to never win a World Series again for as long as stupid baseball is played professionally.
#10: Los Angeles Angels ($1,180,359.73 per victory) - Being not a baseball fan except extremely casually, the Angels are off my radar. I know they have a few really good players, really ugly ass red uniforms, pretend they are from L.A. proper, and used to be the team of The Black Jew Rod Carew. Beyond that, fuck ‘em. Oh yeah, Bobby Grich too, which used to be my rap name.
#11: San Diego Padres ($1,169,485.97 per victory) - This will surely go down once they dump Jake Peavy for minor league scraps.
#12: St. Louis Cardinals ($1,158,423.83 per victory) - The Cardinals and Cubs being blood feud rivals is interesting to me, because I would not be too bothered if both team planes crashed into each other in the sky. Then again, there’d be a bunch of corny assed black patches on baseball hats and jerseys and all sorts of dorky remembrances where pretentious dicks like Peter King and Rick Reilly and Bob Costas wax melodramatically about it all.
#13: Toronto Blue Jays ($1,137,138.37 per victory) - I am not sure in the translation of dollars with the world economy in a shambles, but I would figure since the Canuck economy has not gotten retarded with speculative lechers destroying it like in American, that maybe this figure may not be perfectly correct. Although, I guess all the info I found was in straight up U.S. dollars, and they can convert that shit however they want. Were I to hit the lottery this weekend, I’d buy gold bars and machine guns, and hire a bunch of Mexicans to hang out on the bottom of the mountain I buy with the machine guns, keeping the riffraff out. Mexicans are loyal as fuck, and hard workers to boot. That’s why I won’t hire a white dude anymore.
#14: San Francisco Giants ($1,063,812.50 per victory) - Haha, Barry Zito. I was more than glad to abandon the Giants as my team last year when the Nationals rolled out at a new team full of crazy negroes like Lastings Milledge, Dmitri Young, and Elijah Dukes, in a new stadium that wasn’t even completed yet. When I was 8, the first little league team I played on was called the Giants and I thought if I was good enough, I would move all the way up to the pro Giants. Man, I was a naive little fucker then. That Giants thing got me to trade for tons of Giants baseball cards back in the day, including a Dave Winfield card when he was with the Padres to this kid named Jay who was a Yankees fan for 25 random Giants cards. The Barry Bonds years really tested my tacit approval of a team in a sport I barely follow outside of the newspapers, but I stuck with it because I’m one of those fucking dorks that puts some sort of pride in being blindly loyal to teams you have absolutely no fucking physical attachment to outside of your own retarded emotions. But fuck them now. I’m a Nationals man. Well, at least once in a while during the summer when I need to halfway care about something to read in the paper’s sports section when there’s still 15 minutes left in my lunch hour... Who am I kidding? I’m self-employed. I regularly take two hour lunches, and still bill motherfuckers for it. Hahahaha.
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