#1: CLEVELAND BROWNS (4-8, 22nd overall) - This is the only team on this week's list not in the bottom eight spots of my ranking formula. There were a handful of teams that were close to each other for the last spot, but it was sort of easy to pick the Browns as a bottom-rung team (over other 4-8 teams like San Diego or Jacksonville) because they are in a shambles. The Derek Anderson/Brady Quinn QB controversy is over for now, as both are out, and Ken Dorsey will be your starting Browns QB this coming Sunday in Tennessee. It is not unimagineable that the Titans bloodthirsty defense could knock him out as well, and then Bruce Gradkowski, just signed this week, might end up in the game for Cleveland. Their star offensive weapons are Braylon Edwards (more dropped passes than anyone else a couple years in a row now) and Kellen Winslow (who not too long sort of demanded to be traded after having to cover-up his staph infection, which was like the team's 8th such infection in a couple of years). Their defense is beyond shoddy, and Romeo Crennel is already getting thrown under the bus by management. Ahh... remember when Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel were the two under-geniuses to Bill Belichick getting their own coaching gigs to expand that coaching tree? That one turned out not so well, hunh? Really, the Browns are perfect with the rest of these teams in this bottom fourth of the league, because it's gonna take a lot more than one or two high draft picks to turn it around. They need an expansion team's amount of draft picks to even try to get back on the right track. I guess the offensive base might be there, if they can calm The Soldier down and pick up a running back a little younger and less worn than Jamal Lewis, but beyond that, it's going to be back to the drawing board, probably with a new coach I would imagine.
#2: ST. LOUIS RAMS (2-10, 26th overall) - Funny how the Rams hulked up under Jim Haslet to get two big wins over the Redskins and Cowboys, and then went back to being the Rams. Having seen him in college, I stand behind the prediction that Chris Long will end up being a monster presence in the NFL, but Stephen Jackson doesn't seem to quite be living up to his role as the New Marshall Faulk. Marc Bulger is a second-tier quality NFL QB who is getting long in the tooth by NFL QB standards, considering there's been no real sign of success in St. Louis with him at the helm. Being better than Trent Green a couple seasons back does not quite equate to taking the Rams back to that Next Level. I haven't heard whether they've given Haslet the keys to the kingdom yet, but I would doubt that to be the case.
#3: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (4-8, 27th overall) - When you are in the top half of your division yet still one of the worst eight teams in the league, then you are a proud member of the NFC West - the most shittiest division in all of American pro sports. The 49ers already have installed their coach-of-the-future in Samurai Mike Singletary, who made headlines at first for all the reasons you probably don't really want a coach to get known for. But the 49ers do seem like they might be headed for something better. They have the pieces for a rock solid defense, and if Singletary can infuse his laser eyeball intensity into that unit, it could carry the team along the lines of the Ravens teams of previous years. And even if they make a good run to finish out the year, they'll still have a pick in the top half of the draft to try and get something to help out their struggling offense. And unless Singletary has had some sort of secret magical encounters with Alex Smith since he's been on IR, I would guess they're gonna try to get a new QB of some sort. I'd really like to see Donovan McNabb flame out the rest of the year in Philly, just to see teams like the Vikings and Bears and 49ers cum all over themselves trying to bring him in, as the missing piece for success.
#4: OAKLAND RAIDERS (3-9, 28th overall) - Until Al Davis dies, the Raiders are doomed. The most amazing thing to come out over the course of the last year is Warren Sapp admitting that The Cryptkeeper in a Jump Suit would call down to the sideline DURING THE GAME to command the offense to go for the bomb. I wonder if Al even has any hint of a notion that he's become a joke, as has his beloved Silver & Black? Outside of Rich Gannon's miracle year and the infamous Tuck Rule making Tom Brady a Superstar, the Raiders have been completely irrelevant for a decade now. But I can't wait to see who ol' Al drafts next year. Who will join Robert Gallery, JaMarcus Russell, and Darren McFadden on the most explosive vertical offense in the NFL?
#5: CINCINNATI BENGALS (1-10-1, 29th overall) - Remember when Marvin Lewis was a defensive Einstein and the black coach for eternity? A few short physical years later, which made Lewis look about 23 older visually, and you would imagine he's run his course in Cincinnati. Except they've tended to be loyal to people beyond their usefulness in the past. How many season-ending injuries can Carson Palmer sustain before people stop hyping him as potentially as good as a Manning? And Chad Johnson's contract year probably played him out of millions. (Hopefully, Dan Snyder reads this and realizes not to automatically pay Ocho Cinco quadruple what he's worth just to get the deal done.) I am about to miss the playoffs in my stupid fantastical football league, so hopefully the retarded leprechaun Ryan Fitzpatrick can at least toss a few TDs to T.J. Houshmanzadeh this week, for my sake at least. Houshmanzadeh is now playing the role of Incredibly Intense Veteran Figure Who Hates Losing for the Bengals. He's contractually obligated to another couple of years of that, too, I think.
#6: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (2-10, 30th overall) - Mike Holmgren has always been one of my least favorite coaches, so watching his final season go down like a housefire has been great. The Seahawks have also always been one of my least favorite teams. Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God and that I am also the center of the universe like I often imagine, and my blinding hatred for the Seahawks caused God to make Jim Zorn be the Redskins head coach to ruin my pro football life for the coming decade. You see, God already used the secret Dallas Cowboy angle with Norv Turner, and he got tons of laughs out of that one (the sound of thunder is really just God laughing at you for being a dumbass).
#7: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (2-10, 31st overall) - The Chiefs have a ridiculous 15 rookies on their roster, plus traded away most of their greater players for more future draft picks as well. Eventually, if the team lets him, in a couple of years it will be nothing but Herm Edwards and an entire roster born after 1985. The Chiefs are part of a large cluster of second-tier NFL teams that I root for when they suck, might still like when they get good again if they have dudes I can dig (like Glenn Dorsey for example), but most likely will just playa hate on when they get good and root for other second-tier teams I have no emotional attachment to. One reason I love pro football is that I actually have a lifelong favorite team, because the aforementioned fairweather contrarian attitude is pretty much how I always root for NBA or MLB teams.
#8: DETROIT LIONS (0-12, 32nd overall) - Really, what better exclamation point punctuation to the utter failure of Matt Millen would there be than for the '08 Lions to go 0 for 16? I really like Calvin Johnson, and would hope for better for him, but really, it's kinda funny to see it happen. Thanksgiving football this year fucking sucked, with blowouts all day long. The early game is usually on the backburner where you don't really pay attention until after halftime and grandma's got the turkey out of the oven, cooling down to get sliced the fuck up, spooning turkey drippings out the aluminum roaster pan to be making some gravy with. But shit man, that early game this year was over before I even got back from the store with ice for the beer on the back porch. The Lions host the Vikings this week, and the Williams Twins 700 pounds of run-stopping bulkage is suspended for drug violations, so maybe - just maybe - the Lions can get Daunte Culpeper's gimpy hand jiving ass to not fumble hand-offs up the middle, mix in a few out patterns to Calvin, and steal a win to avoid the historical failure of joining the infamous '76 Buccaneers, who were so bad the team eventually had to abandon the fucking uniforms they were wearing. If the Lions have to do that as well, I vote they go for black helmets with a silver outline to the blue Lowenbrau lion logo, which would be lavendar now, black jerseys with the same style numbers, lavendar pants. Home white with black pants, and they could go lavendar jerseys with the black pants for alternate Monday night uniforms. Lavendar is a very manly color when worn right, although it might conflict with the Vikings. So the Vikings should switch to red because fuck the Vikings.
No comments:
Post a Comment