#1: NEW YORK GIANTS (11-2, 1st overall) - Seems the Giants are playing the role the Patriots played last year, as impending champion. Nobody really seems to be giving anybody else a shot, which leads me to believe they can't do it like that. The NFL is fixed by an exclusive panel (currently at 78, with this past year's addition of Bill Cowher, plus Joe Gibbs returning to the seat he had to leave when he decided to play the role of Redskins coach to give their team more monetary value to reach a certain selling point for Dan Snyder to remove himself at a comfortable spot), and the goal is merchandising. Giants merchandising is through the roof already, especially by the jettisoning of Plaxico Burress, making all the jerseys the league sold in his name the past 11 months obsolete now, and needing replacement in the closets of well-branded fans. The odd thing is I am not sure if the NFL will go for a Steelers/Giants showdown, which are two storied and strong franchises. You would think the league fixing panel would give a new team a spot in there, and the Panthers always seem to be close to the top every few years, so maybe it's them. I don't know; but I would not expect the Giants to win any Super Bowls to punctuate this season. Unless they set up a Manning Bowl, but I would expect the league to wait until close to the end of Peyton Manning's career for that one.
#2: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (10-3, 2nd overall) - Mike Tomlin is my favorite NFL head coach right now. He looks like the most chill dude. He also played college football at William & Mary in Virginia, which at one point was the college with both the highest rate of suicide and highest rate of gay students of all state universities. Being Tomlin has those doe eyes, looking like a cross between Omar Epps from Juice and Pete Rock's cousin, you know he got crazy experimental white college girl ass back then, which I would assume would be even higher than at most colleges at one full of suicidal gay kids. Seeing Tomlin all jacked up as the Steelers pulled off the win against the Cowboys... it was refreshing. Seems like he might take the captains out for beers at a Japanese steak house after the game, or one of those Mongolian barbecue joints, somewhere that's classy, but not classy like rich people go there but classy like people new to money see it as an impressive way to spend more than they probably should on one meal.
#3: TENNESSEE TITANS (12-1, 3rd overall) - I just don't buy the Titans as championship material yet. I mean, they've been doing pretty good with their two-headed running attack, but come on? Kerry Collins? Jeff Fisher is a high-standing member in the NFL Illuminati I mentioned earlier though, as part of the Bill Walsh clique, which is why he's been a coach forever and only made it to one Super Bowl, which, granted, they were like two yards away from winning. But still, they've been more promise than delivery most years. I have a real hard time believing in Kerry Collins though. He's too much of a former racist alcoholic to successfully pull of the Trent Dilfer role as mediocre QB leading a defensively stout team to a title.
#4: CAROLINA PANTHERS (10-3, 5th overall) - A lot of times, like now, I don't give half a fuck about writing these things, so I put it off, even though I give myself fake deadlines, just so I can go the whole year with my bullshit opinions in cyberspace, so I can feel like I've accomplished nothing, when actually, I'd be better off just settling down by the fire and reading some more of Blue Highways by William Least Heat-Moon, which I've been reading forever, because being a dorky fucking wordsmith at heart, when I read like four pages that I really like, I re-read them over. I really have been enjoying that book, and he hasn't even gotten back across to the east coast yet.
#5: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (9-4, 6th overall) - I am bummed that the Colts have resurrected their season. It was such a promising beginning of the year with Tom Brady out for the year and the Colts dropping their first two. Peyton Manning is my least favorite football player going, probably having passed Joe Montana after his last round of commercial endorsements, but he's still a Super Bowl or two away from topping John Elway. So he's #2 for quarterbacks. I am not sure where he stands in comparison to Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith, because I have a hard time comparing different football positions as I lay around in my winter hammock making these arbitrary lists of hatred.
#6: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (9-4, 7th overall) - Last I heard as I write this (which is Sunday night, but I'm gonna pre-date it and pretend I said all this on Saturday) was Jeff Garcia was questionable for the game against the Falcons. He and Gruden must've had a little holiday tiff, making things less than fabulous in Pirate Land.
#7: ARIZONA CARDINALS (8-5, 12th overall) - The Cardinals have finally broken through this year (meaning the Seahawks finally suck enough some other half-shitty team from the NFC West gets to go to the playoffs), with a one-dimensional offense led by a crusty old born again QB. Edgerrin James got second-tiered for rookie Tim Hightower to take the lead. Except Hightower did better as a second RB than the feature back, so now perennial underachieving high draft pick J.J. Arrington is getting more carries. It will be funny to see the Cardinals make the playoffs and lose a home game the first weekend, which will be before New Year's this year, which will help continue a longstanding Cardinals franchise tradition of having the season all wrapped up before the end of December.
#8: DENVER BRONCOS (8-5, 16th overall) - They are on their 8th string RB, yet still bound for the playoffs, which just goes to show how ingenius Mike Shanahan is. He actually had a white feature back for a while, which was an NFL first for this century. I am hoping for the Ravens making the right wild card spot to go play at Denver in the wild card round, because that would be a funny combo of styles. Plus, hopefully, Ed Reed or Ray Lewis could break stupid Jay Cutler in half. He looks too much like H-SC fratboys who I used to rip off on bags of weed when I was in high school who would try to kick my ass for bedazzling their imported vaginas with my oddball stylings. Fucking assholes.
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