(1982, Elektra Records)
This is honestly one of the greatest records ever, and it sucks that thrash metal vs. glam metal became such a divisive theme in hard rock music, because it's left shit like this in a limbo where it doesn't get it's propers from delinquent shithead dirtbags and it gets overlooked by douchebag dipshits who think "Girls, Girls, Girls" is the ultimate Crue. (Apparently, my keyboard doesn't have that satanic double dot thing. Someone should make satan wingdings, pronto.) I have very vivid memories of playing this shit in my bedroom as I would talk for hours on the phone with the girl I lost my virginity to when I was 13. "Piece of Your Action" really drives those memories home strong. Man, she was hot as fuck, and my penis wasn't hard and I hadn't seen enough Hustlers to really know where the vagina hole was, perhaps trained to into the hairy mound and not paying attention to the entryway, so I was poking my limp little dick into the wrong area with this girl, and it sucked for her and sucked for me, but it was my first time and god motherfucking bless it.
Anyways, I was at my mom's house last weekend, looking at the local paper. The girl I lost my virginity to had only had sex with one other dude, a guy like five years older than us who was her neighbor and obviously running older redneck rooster teenager game on a young budding redneck slut with fresh breast buds. Looking at the local paper, there was a picture of a girl who had gotten honors for something or some sort of scholarship and was going off to college, and it listed her parents and all. First off, her step-dad was a dude I used to run with, and I thought, "Wow, Alex's step-daughter be old." But then it listed the girl's father as the same guy who was my first's actual first. Which meant I was sexually related to this girl's dad (which you can't really let yourself start thinking about because it gets you all fucked-up in the head, especially with Facebook around nowadays to make it easier to have visuals for the freak out). That made me feel old as fuck, even though I'm only 36.
An odd aside, that girl I lost my purity too, before we ever hooked up, she was googley eyeing me at the Five County Fair while I was rolling with a friend of mine. My friend's uncle, who was like ten years older than us, was all like, "I think that girl wants you, Raven," and I was young and blowing it off, thinking that was the cool thing to do. It ended up me and her hooked up, my first ever. And even weirder, the friend's uncle ending up being that girl's first marriage, which of course ended in unmarriage. Shit, for a redneck slut who would have sex in all sorts of freaky ways, she never tolerated heavy drinking, much less using drugs. I found that sort of odd. Like I'd rather my kids smoke weed and drink beer than have sex every fucking weekend of their adolescence. I guess I could hope for them to not do either, but if you read through this blurb this far, you can probably guess I didn't exactly grow up in a place where hope runs rampant. Going on with the show though.
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