100 VINYLZ: #58 - Apocalyptic Raids EP by Hellhammer

(1984, Noise Records)
Celtic Frost has the thrash metal respect from the past, but I’ve never liked anything Celtic Frost did as much as this Hellhammer EP. Tom G. Warrior sounds menacing, but is nothing compared to the stage name Cryptic Slaughter. I had this on tape from a school trip to NYC as a young high school kid where me and another dude bailed out on everybody and everything and went to Times Square area to buy bongs and music. But a while back, my man Ryan Muldoon (I hope you google this of yourself bitch) had this gimmick where he was giving me old metal albums with old wrestling magazines tucked inside whenever he saw me. It might be the most amazing continual thing that happened, giftwise, for me. But the All-Star performance of such an All-Star gesture was the time, I think in Fredericksburg at some shitty ass wrestling show, where he handed me Apocalyptic Raids on vinyl, with a Pro Wrestling Illustrated with David Von Erich on the cover inside, while we were drinking beers in a parking lot that was tall grass with a mesh fence. We were with wrestling nerds, the both of us, so mostly we did the drinking while they did the reminiscing of things Japanese or Murdochian or whatever the fuck, and we got drunk and yelled questionable things at questionable wrestlers. But the Apocalyptic Raids still gets major play in my camper aka the Compound Cave. And we are entering the fall season of this ride around the sun, and I am a family man now, where I dress up in white camouflage pants and an ugly as possible ghetto print button down shirt as the Duke of Hawaii to my daughters’ delight. But there was a time, and a part of my mind is still there, where I’d loop some old Geto Boys, mostly the We Can’t Be Stopped album, with “Triumph of Death” from this EP, and take some acid, and go wandering on a mountain trail with a couple of 12-inch Kabar knives, just to see what unfolded.
But suffice it to say Ryan Muldoon has given me great joy in my adult life. You should all, if you come across this through internet searching, give him whatever job, loan, or sordid affair he is looking for. He is loyal beyond reason. And he is a family man, meaning he’d do anything for his family. Except he regards even casual close acquaintances as family, which makes the whole “family man” compliment far more wide-reaching that it would be for the regular shut-in you’re looking for who wouldn’t stray from his career responsibilities. Ryan Muldoon won’t stray from responsibilities, but his influence and correctness will stray far and wide. Small towns should hire dudes like him to just sit around on a bench in the middle of town to keep things chill.