#9: MINNESOTA VIKINGS
PERTINENT DATA: 10-7 last season, won the NFC North, lost to the Eagles at home in the wild card round; 20 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Vikings have always, in my life, seemed like black quarterback central, where a brother can get under center and make some noise with a high-powered offense. Warren Moon had a good couple final years there. Randall Cunningham had a solid run. Daunte Culpepper made his only mark on the league there. That’s one of the reasons I don’t understand why they didn’t just embrace Tarvaris Jackson, with Adrian Peterson and then Percy Harvin. They should’ve just opened it the fuck up and got wild.
FRESH INJECTION: Guess you can’t really say anything except Brett Favre, which is funny because it’s probably gonna fuck their team up this year, and all because good ole boy Favre has a hard-on to diss the Packers. It’ll be funny if he ends up leading the Vikings to a solid second place finish behind those Packers. Were I a Viking fan, I wouldn’t trust that shit for a split second.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Pat and Kevin Williams are too really giant, good-natured, unrelated black dudes, who set the soul of the defense. Defense runs this team too. If the offense can just add a little bit of flair without fumbling, defense should be able to handle business enough for some noise.
TEAM ASS: I know a goofy white dude with a mullet is supposed to be funny and hahaha throwback all that shit, but honestly, Jared Allen is a goddamned fool. I come from ignorant rural types and that ignorance runs through my bloodstream, and you can watch a five-minute interview with Jared Allen and see he’s a fucking chump ass. This will all be proven at some point in the future though, so I’m not hating.
TRENDSETTER: Adrian Peterson’s ability to not get broken in the knees, especially since he’s a tiny ass dude, will determine how good this team can be, this year and in the coming ones. He sort of seems like he could be a Terrell Davis type who has a good as fuck but short run, especially if they keep leaning on the dude too hard. At least the Vikings had the sense to keep Chester Taylor around to spell A.P.
TEAM ELDER: Jim Kleinsasser was a 2nd round pick in 1999, out of North Dakota. Man, that dude’s like a white football god up there, playing college ball at North Dakota, then having a long, blue collar career as a block tight end/fullback in the NFL for the Vikings. I bet Kleinsasser has clocked himself some Scandinavian squarehead ass in his day.
THE RUDY: Starting guard and capable center Anthony Herrera came into Vikings camp in 2004 undrafted as fuck.
FORMER TROJAN: Well, John David Booty is there, but probably won’t be on opening day unless Favre, Jackson, or Sage Rosenfels gets a season-ending injury, so let’s go with back-up offensive lineman Drew Radovich, who was on injured reserve himself all last year, his first season.
VIRGINIA BOY: No Virginia boys on the roster. Way back-up QB Sean Glennon was from Virginia Tech, but he was the longshot that got dropped to make a roster spot for Favre. I read a good article about how his NFL dream pretty much died when Favre signed, because he had already been in Vikings camp a few weeks, and no team really gambles on a 4th-string QB halfway through training camp like that. In lieu of an actual Virginian, I’ll list E.J. Henderson, who played just across the Lameass/Dixon line in Maryland. He even got his younger brother on the team this year.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting fullback Naufahu Tahi, the perfect position for a Samona. He played, of course, at Brigham Young. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young, Penn State, Utah - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: This is a tough one. Visanthe Shiancoe is a great fucking name, but Sage Rosenfels may be an All-Pro level retarded ass name in the NFL. He sounds like a hippie Jewish meditation guru type who lets younger families live on his organic turkey farm, and he just ends up fucking the wife of the young couples, and ruining their families. But he meditates daily, so is so righteous, meaning a pretentious piece of shit.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Otis Grigsby helped start Greyhound bus lines in the 1920s, and cashed in well before it turned into a social degenerate form of transportation.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Vikings are too good not to do well, even if the wheels comes off the offense. They’ll win the NFC North again this year, but will probably flame out immediately in the playoffs, again this year.
#10: CAROLINA PANTHERS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-5 last season, won the NFC South; 20 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: At the time the Panthers became a new franchise, I was in personal philosophical loyalty battle, after having got to know the different sectors of Virginia better during college, about whether my run-down, dilapidated part of Virginia was really Virginia or not. Piedmont or southside Virginia, as well as southwest, are kinda the neglected bastard children left to their own demise by the more affluent northern Virginia and Tidewater regions. I identified the Redskins with northern Virginians, and really, where I grew up is more like North Carolina than Virginia. In fact, I maintain to this day that the south doesn't really begin until somewhere in the middle of the Richmond city limits, probably five or six blocks north of Broad Street, where Hawk's used to be (and I hope is still there... good ass lake trout up in that bitch). Well, when the Panthers came out, I was actually contemplating abandoning the Redskins for the Panthers, being I can accept a move to a new team if it's a brand new team, it's not a bandwagon jump, and you stick with it. Similarly, I adopted the Nationals as my baseball team when they relocated to D.C. as my ties to the San Francisco Giants were minimal, childish, and didn't mean much to me emotionally. Anyways, I ended up sticking with the Skins (bad move in retrospect), but I've always rooted for the Panthers. That first time they made the playoffs and had the home game with Kevin Greene running around the ring of the stadium with a giant Panthers flag after they won, that will always be what I think of the Panthers as. I've never been as excited by pro football as that moment, and they will always be my 2nd team that I always root for.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie Florida State Criminole Everette Brown should combine with Julius Peppers to make for one helluva outside rushing threat on the D-line. Too bad Peppers wants to bolt right away. Them dudes could cause some damage.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Shit man, who else? Steve Smith is one bad motherfucker, all the way around. Who else in the NFL could break a defensive back's face during practice, get suspended by the team, and still somehow turn it all into a positive and be even more of a team leader, like Smith did last year? Dude is on another level, and every football team wishes they had a Steve Smith character with Steve Smith skills.
TEAM ASS: I find Jake Delhomme rather bothersome since the whole Waterboy nonsense has lost its humor. But they haven't really committed to a quality second-stringer at all, so he's the man. And I guess if Jake Delhomme is the worst thing on your team, it ain't that bad.
TRENDSETTER: Jonathan Stewart, one half of the Double Trouble tailback combo with DeAngelo Williams. Williams is getting pre-season Pro Bowl hype this year, but Stewart, only in his second year, is as much of a workhorse, and a silent, chill dude. If he can be a first-tier RB and play his role with calmness (think about how Larry Johnson got all bitchy when he was the young back-up to Priest Holmes in Kansas City), the Panthers could be a tough old school mentality team on offense, for a few more years until Smith is done.
TEAM ELDER: Kicker John Kasay's been the team's foot since 1995. Was that the year they started? I can't remember, but if it wasn't, it was pretty close.
THE RUDY: Straight up Rudy style, in 2000, Brad Hoover signed as an undrafted free agent, out of nearby Western Carolina University, made the team, special teamed his way onto the field, and now has been their starting fullback for a few years now, though he might lose that spot this year.
FORMER TROJAN: Starting center Ryan Kalil is a former Trojan, and friend of Will Ferrell.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech Hokie Jeff King starts at TE for the Panthers, and he's old school - white, ugly, blocks like a dickhead, and will average about 0 yards after the catch, not counting incidental forward stumbles.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting nose tackle Maake Kemoeatu, 345 pounds of Polynesian Controlled Chaos, out of University of Utah Utes. Updated Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Na'il Diggs is a great name, both in pronunciation as well as it how it looks in print. I have always wondered if he is related to the Wu-Tang Clan.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: The Panthers had a good draft class of guys who sound like Industrial Age tycoons, getting Duke Robinson in the fifth round. But the obvious fake-billionaire who exploited chemical additives in tobacco cigarettes to create a tremendous evil empire that has had to scale back in America yet pushes its toxic wares in full-press mode in developing parts of the World is rookie cornerback Captain Munnerlyn.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Panthers offense will only be limited by Delhomme, who is of course the most important guy there. Their defense is on a down-swing, but will be as good as Julius Peppers is motivated to lead it to be. I don't know, it kind of seems like they might be getting ready for a downfall though, especially as shitty as they looked losing to the Cardinals in the playoffs at home last year. I think they're gonna stumble to around .500 and finish 3rd in the tough NFC South.
#11: CHICAGO BEARS
PERTINENT DATA: 9-7 last year; 20 to 1 to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Evil crazy linebackers with bugged out eyeballs in ominous black jerseys is what I think of when I think of the Bears. Dick Butkus and Mike Singletary, haunting Bushwick Bill in his dreams while robbing little kids of Halloween candy.
FRESH INJECTION: Chez Whitey Jay Cutler brings an abundance of hope to retarded Bears fans everywhere, who no longer have to hope Devin Hester returns 3 kicks for touchdowns for them to possibly win. Cutler looks too much like a fucking dumbass fratboy though to be as successful as he's supposed to be.
DRUNKEN SOUL: For me, since he's a for-real drunk, Lance Briggs is the team's drunken soul.
TEAM ASS: Brian Urlacher looks like a state trooper and acts like a fucking cock. In my opinion, he's also overrated as fuck. But hey, he's got the closet racist fans of the Bears all hyped up that he's the second coming of Butkus, so you guys roll to another disappointing defensive season behind his alleged intensity.
TRENDSETTER: If Devin Hester can defy logic and not only be more than the #2 receiver he probably really is, to become their #1 receiver, without a real #2 to back him up, then the Bears will do tremendous. This is asking a lot of a guy who isn't really a receiver for any other reason than the coaches got tired of waiting for the other team to have to punt to him.
TEAM ELDER: The football is veteran-protected in Chicago, as both starting center Olin Kreutz and designated long snapper Patrick Mannelly came to the Bears from the 1998 draft.
THE RUDY: Rashied Davis was an undrafted receiver out of San Jose State in 2005, and made the team, and even started most of last year. This is probably as much a testament to how shitty the Bears' receivers are as to Davis's heart.
FORMER TROJAN: For some reason, the Bears have no former USC Trojans, yet have like 3 or 4 dudes who played at San Jose State. I don't understand that at all, but we will identify former San Jose State Cybercat Jarron Gilbert in this spot, as a guy who is a guy.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech back Kevin Jones carves out a niche as second RB who can catch passes well, and block well, and just generally be not quite good enough to start but too good to let go.
WILD SAMOAN: Rookie cornerback Al Afalava, with my favorite rookie Samoan name. He played for the neon Oregon Ducks, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Oregon, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: Israel Idonije has been the best name on this team for four or five years.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Hunter Hillenmeyer's family helped make Chicago a hub for the U.S.'s expansion west, and were behind the main railyards being laid out with freemasonic symbolism as a subliminal control factor over the city's future. "Moloch" is actually engraved in stone inside the city's oldest, prominent train station.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Bears should be able to stumble into a .500 or season, but will probably finish 3rd in the NFC North.
#12: BALTIMORE RAVENS
PERTINENT DATA: 13-6 last year, got a wild card invite to the AFC playoffs, which they parlayed all the way into a divisional showdown in the conference championship game against the Steelers, which they of course lost; 22 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Ray Lewis's stupid pre-game dance is what the Ravens mean to me - retarded-looking, not very attractive, yet really confident about everything, enough so that it tricks people into thinking what you're doing is really great.
FRESH INJECTION: New center Matt Birk is a monster in the middle, and with a high profile rookie addition in Michael Oher at right tackle too, they might actually be even more surprisingly good this year.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Ed Reed is a fucking beast, combining headhunter and ballhawk so fluidly on defense.
TEAM ASS: Ray Lewis is a fucking chump, however. I am not a really white person, all shocked at how Lewis could still be playing after full-length white fur coats stabbing incidents in Atlanta or anything. I understand that when dudes are wearing full-length fur coats with matching fur hats, motherfuckers might end up getting stabbed in the general vicinity. That's life. I just find Ray Lewis highly annoying. Plus his facial structure is creepy, like he's a black Russian or something. But I set the ridiculous parameter that I could only list a dude once, and Lewis is the longest-tenured player on the Ravens, so let's just say I think Willis McGahee is a dick too.
TRENDSETTER: Is Joe Flacco for real? If he is, then the Ravens are already better than they were when they won the Super Bowl.
TEAM ELDER: Ray Lewis was a 1996 draft pick for the Ravens.
THE RUDY: Edgar Jones comes in from Southeast Missouri State in 2007, makes the team, and in true blue collar Rudy-esque fashion, can play LB or TE, plus special teams.
FORMER TROJAN: No Trojans on the Ravens either, so we shall recognize back-up CB Frank Walker, the only player in the NFL right now from Tuskegee University.
VIRGINIA BOY: Rookie RB Cedric Peerman was one of the best post-Tiki Barber backs UVA ever had.
WILD SAMOAN: Starting nose tackle Haloti Ngata is probably the ultimate personifacation of big Samoan run stuffer in the league right now. He played at Oregon too, making the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Stanford, and Texas - 1. See what I was saying about the Mormon/Samoan connection?
THE ICKY: Yamon Figurs, I think, was part of Marlo Stanfield's crew.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: William VanDeSteeg's grandfathers made their bones controlling the shipping trade in Baltimore's Inner Harbor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: As good as they will probably be, the Ravens will still only be 2nd best in the AFC North, and contending for another wild card spot.
#13: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
PERTINENT DATA: 8-8 last year; 25 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: Infamous drunken dudes with bag over heads representing their fandom in mostly empty stadiums. Also, to a lesser extent, 26-inch rims being referred to as Deuce McAllisters, though with Deuce gone now, that'll fade from my pop culture smorgasbord of a brain soon enough.
FRESH INJECTION: Darren Sharper at safety gives the Saints defense something to go along with that "should be way better this year" hype they've had the past three or four years in a row - a solid bro of a veteran who can examplify the good shit for the young bucks.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Drew Brees is one of those rare QBs who is the solid heart of a team. Lots of times the QB is the star and he's expected to perform on another level when it comes to media attention, but Brees actually seems to have dudes behind him, even asshole linebackers and thug d-linemen, to where they roll thick, in spirit at least.
TEAM ASS: Jeremy Shockey should be thankful Terrell Owens has not retired yet, or else Shockey'd be the biggest fucking douchebag in the NFL. It's not simple actions that cause me to hate Shockey, but when you look at pics of him, you can see in his eyes that everything is not firing, some positive ions are missing in too many of his chromosones. And yet he's a big, strong goon of a man. It's scary. I foresee post-career criminal tragedies in his life.
TRENDSETTER: Is Sean Payton truly a genius? Or is he just the latest in a long line of mediocre Saints coaches? We shall see.
TEAM ELDER: Defensive end Charles Grant was a first round draft pick in 2002.
THE RUDY: Undrafted kid out of Illinois in 2007 named Pierre Thomas scraps his way onto the roster, set deep in the depth charts behind Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush, yet led the team in rushing and scored 9 TDs last year.
FORMER TROJAN: Reggie Bush has been a celebrity magazine superstar, waxing Kim Kardashian's big ass on the regular, showing off his unthreatening twinkly eyes, yet on the field of football, he's not really anything more than a 3rd down back, and not even the greatest at that.
VIRGINIA BOY: Sharper played at small ass William & Mary (same place Mike Tomlin came from), but I already listed him once. So let's go with former Va. Tech Hokie (and former Washington Redskin) Pierson Prioleau, solid special teamsing secondary specialist.
WILD SAMOAN: The linguistics of his name sounds like maybe it's not Polynesian, but he is a nose tackle, so the man here, lacking an obvious candidate, will be Remi Ayodele. Actually, scratch that, they have a fullback with an ever more questionable name in Olaniyi Sobomehin, from Portland State. This is the Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, and Texas - 1.
THE ICKY: No competition here, with reserve tackle Jermon Bushrod on the roster. I think I saw that in a scat porn flick one time.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Roman Harper's ancestors made tons of money through the organic slave movement, which, while everyone else was using forced labor brought through New Orleans mostly in the antebellum south, the Harper clan was offering cheap, hired labor to more progressive thinking capitalists. The benefits were numerous, as without slave status, the owner was not forced to feed, clothe, and shelter the slave, thus cuttting overhead down tremendously. You take the money you would've spent on that, give them a third of it as fair wages, and you make a killing, without literally having blood on your hands. It's a method that's been utilized beneficially by the upper classes ever since the Industrial Revolution. Too bad we can't train livestock to take care of themselves.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Even though it's a tough, evenly matched division, I think the Saints will do well and win the NFC South. They'll flame out in the playoffs immediately, but with Gregg Williams taking charge of the defense that is always supposed to improve, they should be a solid team this year.
#14: ATLANTA FALCONS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-6 last year, an NFC wild card team that lost their first shocking playoff game post-Mike Vick; 25 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Atlanta Falcons will always mean one and only one thing to me - Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Shake them legs, White Shoes, shake 'em.
FRESH INJECTION: How the fuck do you have a surprisingly good season, and then go out and snag Tony Gonzalez looking to make a sweet two-year swan song? It's like their the Patriots south.
DRUNKEN SOUL: The beast-like and amusing John Abraham is the man. His personality fits a chocolate city full of soul like Atlanta so much more than stink-ass New Jersey-flavored New York Jets-style New York City.
TEAM ASS: I can't even remember his name, but that dude who was briefly the coach then bolted when the Vick thing happened and now coaches some shit ass SEC team for a year or two before he goes somewhere else, that's the team ass here. I don't understand dudes making immediate lateral moves and how bad it looks and how it shortens your career's potential earnings. I know Nick Saban is the model held up, but look at Saban, yeah he flamed out in Miami, but at least he's settling in at Alabama instead of making a quick lateral move to like Michigan or some shit. It's ridiculous. Even stupid fucking Steve Spurrier has the sense to realize a multi-million dollar yearly gig in the sunshine of South Carolina is a sweet deal to not be rocked with.
TRENDSETTER: Matt Ryan aka Matty Ice will have to show if his rookie phenom status was lightning in a bottle or something serious. He seems to be solid, but shit man, how many QBs show promise and then suck?
TEAM ELDER: Starting center Todd McClure was a 7th round draft pick out of LSU in 1999.
THE RUDY: They have an undrafted four-year punter out of Western Washington University, but come on, punters? Back-up cornerback Brent Grimes has bounced in and out of Atlanta's roster fringes since 2006 out of Shippensburg, and may very well not be on the roster by the time you read this. Or he may. That is the nature of the NFL Rudy.
FORMER TROJAN: Tackle Sam Baker all up in his second season as a USC football alum.
VIRGINIA BOY: Back-up RB Jason Snelling came out of UVA who has blue collared his way into a third year in the NFL.
WILD SAMOAN: In lieu of actual Polynesians, I will highlight rookie fullback Ovie Mughelli, whos name is pretty damn funky as well. He played at Wake Forest, so the really misleading Samoan Pride Scorebard stands at: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: My main man, Jamaal Fudge.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Lawrence Sidbury's family was prominent all up on Peachtree Street, back to the days of streetcars and slave auctions.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Falcons should be good enough for real to finish second in the NFC South, probably just missing out on an NFC wild card berth.
#15: ARIZONA CARDINALS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-8 last year, NFC West champions, who made a near-miraculous run into the Super Bowl, where they got spanked; 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: The Cardinals playing in front of a mostly empty stadium with those drunk dudes always sitting on the rocks behind the stadium to watch the game even though they'd probably just let them in for free, that's the Cardinals to me.
FRESH INJECTION: Bryant McFadden makes the odd free agent switch from Super Bowl champion to the team they beat last year in the Super Bowl.
DRUNKEN SOUL: If you watched the end of last season, or looked at the cover of 75% of the 13,000 NFL-related magazines at the store this summer, it has to be fairly obvious that Larry Fitzgerald is the soul of this team. He even restructured his contract to try and keep Anquan Boldin happy.
TEAM ASS: You know what? Fuck Kurt Warner and his Jesus-happy, old gunslinger bullshit. I was sick of him a decade ago.
TRENDSETTER: Is Ken Whisenhunt truly a coaching genius who has brought life to a long-dead franchise, or is he just some dude who benefitted from NFL parity last year? I imagine he's actually a solid dude, but this is also Arizona, so he should probably go coach somewhere else to be successful.
TEAM ELDER: Strong safety Adrian Wilson was a third round pick in 2001.
THE RUDY: Starting center Lyle Sendlein is a third year college free agent out of stupid Texas.
FORMER TROJAN: Oh man, the King of USC dudes in the NFL, Matt Leinart, who is patiently waiting for his chance to succeed in the NFL while banging mad hotties under the Arizona sun. Seriously, why the fuck didn't somebody make a reality show where Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart have to live together while competing for the starting QB role?
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Richmond Spider RB and shocking offensive threat late last year Tim Hightower is a small college beast, who accidentally made Edgerrin James obsolete in Arizona.
WILD SAMOAN: Arizona has a few, including LB Pago Togafau, plus my favorite fullback ever trying to make their roster in Reagan Maui'a, who was named after the Reagan, and likes to run through walls, literally. But the star Samoan for this team is giant starting guard Deuce Lutui, who is Samoan, plus called Deuce, which means he's got to be a good player of dominoes. He went to USC, where bunches of Samoans have gone, but my Former Trojan category has dissed them in this spot. So the Samoan Pride Scorebard stands at: Hawaii - 4, Utah - 3, Brigham Young, Oregon, Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: WR Early Doucet sounds like a character from a Donald Goines novel. I have been meaning to start writing Donald Goines novels, but set in trailer parks. I feel like if this street realism novel genre that sells at fucking Wal-Marts and shit has shown its legs so well, I should exploit it for my own personal gain.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Speaking of exploiting for personal gain, Tyler Palko's family is in the energy business, and created a fake war between Navajos and Hopis to force them apart, seizing tribal lands in the process that were loaded with uranium deposits. Senator Barry Goldwater played a major role in this as well. Tentacles of the beast, bro, tentacles of the beast.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: Man, I must be on some new flavor of crack or something, because earlier in August when I "deducted" all this shit, apparently I thought the Cardinals were gonna win the NFC West again, and return to the NFC Championship game, where they eventually lose, and hopefully Kurt Warner retires.
#16: GREEN BAY PACKERS
PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 30 to 1 odds to win the Super Bowl this year.
PERSONAL PERSONIFICATION: I ain't gonna front, I'm 36, so to me the Packers are about that wily ol' gunslinger Brett Favre pumping his fists while some dude just scored a long ass TD and is doing the Lambeau Leap. For as much of a fucking chump Favre has played himself out to be, he was the shit there for a while.
FRESH INJECTION: Rookie B.J. Raji is a big, fat, goofy black dude who, at nose tackle, actually should make the Packers switch to the trendy 3-4 defense much easier.
DRUNKEN SOUL: Aaron Kampman is what Jared Allen thinks he is, except more down-to-earth, and not such a fucking tool.
TEAM ASS: I am not sure why, but I do not like that A.J. Hawk. I think maybe I get confused because I used to like the Road Warriors when I was a kid, and Animal's son was a high-profiled LB at Ohio State, as was A.J. Hawk, but A.J. Hawk is not a wrestler or have a mohawk or wear colored face paint to intimidate his opponents. I think all this makes him seem like he's frontin' in my warped brain.
TRENDSETTER: The Packers, probably for the next five years, will rise or fall depending on Aaron Rodgers. Honestly, dude looked good last year, if they keep him from getting crippled.
TEAM ELDER: Long-time WR Donald Driver was a 7th round pick way back in 1999, during Favre's 14th NFL season.
THE RUDY: Starting D-lineman Cullen Jenkins rolled in from Central Michigan University undrafted in 2003, and has never gone away.
FORMER TROJAN: Rookie LB Clay Matthews is the new hyped up throwback white boy LB the Packers will be marketing to their quasi-racist fanbase.
VIRGINIA BOY: Former Virginia Tech safety Aaron Rouse came in to the NFL heavily hyped, now in his third year, and it's do or die for bro.
WILD SAMOAN: Ain't no Samoans playing in fucking Wisconsin, so let's honor LB Brady Poppinga here, who played at Brigham Young, so maybe he is Samoan after all. Samoan Pride Scorebard: Hawaii - 4, Brigham Young and Utah - 3, Oregon and Penn State - 2, Auburn, Georgia, Louisville, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Portland State, Stanford, Texas, USC, and Wake Forest - 1.
THE ICKY: Atari Bigby is an all-pro when it comes to great names, although 21st century hipsterism has sort of dulled down the greatness of the Atari name.
INDUSTRIAL OVERLORD: Mason Crosby is rich, bitch.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: They should do well enough to finish 2nd in the NFC North and get a wild card invite to the NFC playoffs.
No comments:
Post a Comment