#1: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (1-0, 5th overall) - The Colts struggled to close out the Jags, but they usually have struggled against the Jags. Only problem is the Jaguars suck this year, and the Colts lost their hot WR as well, but they still had enough to edge out the stupid fucking Jags. I can see this being a mediocre year for the Colts, which probably says more for Peyton Manning’s ability to make tuna salad out of chickenshit than I’d normally would like to admit.
#2: ATLANTA FALCONS (1-0, 13th overall) - I don’t think last year was a fluke for the Falcons, although I fear they’re going to end up being the Chargers East in that they will be a continuous contender with a great offense that never really gets over the hump. Still, it’s nice to see Arthur Blank have some steady success; he seems like a good rich white fucker, at least by rich white fucker standards.
#3: TENNESSEE TITANS (0-1, 14th overall) - Titans football was on display against the Steelers - down and dirty, ugly, and right there still in it at the end. I have to admit, even though he still looks more like a meth-addled roofer than anyone else in the history of the NFL, Kerry Collins and his wily ways are starting to win me over. He’s a throwback player in the sense he’s probably been to assorted rehabs five or six times in his career, though we only know about maybe the one time in Carolina.
#4: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (1-0, 15th overall) - Wow, Drew Brees went Madden football on Detroit the first week, and yet again the Saints look like they might be able to average 30 points a game, and give up about 28 a game, so it’s all going to come down to how their luck breaks, which has usually doomed them. Still, one mark in Sean Payton’s “NFL genius” column is how he’s got Shockey involved in an offense with many different options and not complaining yet. I guess it’s still early though.
#5: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-1, 18th overall) - I was surprised they stayed as close to the Colts as they did, as I thought this would be the year the wheels came off of Jack Del Rio’s “a player’s coach regular dude” schtick. Maybe the Colts aren’t as good as everyone thinks though. No one (as far as I can remember) has gotten arrested thus far this season for the Jaguars, or shot up outside of a club, so that’s an improvement. Has Jimmy Smith been arrested again for cocaine yet this year?
#6: CAROLINA PANTHERS (0-1, 20th overall) - Jake Delhomme had a far bigger blowout of potential than Jay Cutler did, just his wasn’t on national TV. The Panthers 2nd stringer got hurt (one of the McCown boys), and was only going to be out for a month, but they went ahead and IRed him for the year. They are sort of fucked, because Delhomme isn’t going to suddenly not be done for I don’t think. Steve Smith is going to go crazy and start Rae Carruthing motherfuckers in practice I bet by the middle of October.
#7: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (0-1, 23rd overall) - Actually got to see a lot of their game and they weren’t really that impressive. It’s amazing to me how a guy like Byron Leftwich can not really do anything extraordinary, bad or good, and be considered a viable starter. I’d rather just put the rookie Josh Freeman out there, because it’s like you’re just accepting a period of purgatory until you do.
#8: HOUSTON TEXANS (0-1, 29th overall) - Naive playoff aspirations destroyed by a rookie QB in his first start on the first weekend of the season. Houston will always be a doomed team because of their ugly uniforms and stupid nickname. No winning identity can ever be placed on something so gay. (That is not a knock of homosexuality, just within the alpha male team context of football, gay insinuates effeminate and weak without having to actually call someone a woman, which would be an even bigger insult.)
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