#1: SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (2-0, 6th overall) - I fully support anything Mike Singletary does as a coach, and even though he has a shitty offense that will eventually not be able to count on the “Let’s hope Frank Gore gets 200 yards rushing” factor once other teams stack the box the fuck up, he can instill a powerful and menacing defensive spirit on this team, that usually carries over to special teams since that’s head-cracking blue collar style play like defense, maybe even more so. In other words, even without a quality offense or Michael Crabtree’s simple ass, the 49ers could win their division. It does not mean a return to the glory days, but it’s a helluva lot better than what they’ve been doing ever since salary cap blew up their whole organization once Bill Walsh was five years down the road towards the Hall of Fame with his old white ass.
#2: DENVER BRONCOS (2-0, 14th overall) - This is probably the worst 2-0 team in the history of the NFL, who won their first game on a fluke play of the flukiest proportions, compounded in its wackiness by the dude running sideways across the field at the goal line to waste time. That being said, they also play in the AFC West, where everybody other than the Chargers suck, and the Chargers are coached by Norv Turner, so maybe... just maybe... the Broncos could win their division. Of course last year they experienced an end of the year meltdown of such Norv Turner proportions that Norv Turner himself actually led a team to the playoffs in a rallying and emotional fashion, which is grounds enough to fire any coach, even one who won a couple Super Bowls with a talking horse.
#3: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (1-1, 18th overall) - The most notable thing for me is I did not realize what a fruit Shawne Merriman was. I thought he was Mr. Lights Out super intensity gangsta ass linebacker. But then he’s all trying to stop Tila Tequila from drinking and driving (which was chumpy of him - drinking and driving is awesome because you get to get drunk and you wake up at your own home in the morning), and then all the pics of him have him sporting one of those highly questionable black guy mohawks that make him look like he’s the bodyguard/life partner of the fake Indian dude in Black Eyed Peas. On top of all this, L.T. suddenly looks to be more Terrell Davis than Barry Sanders, and of course Norv Turner is still the head coach. This could be a hilariously painful year for the Chargers.
#4: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (1-1, 19th overall) - Like half their team got injured last week, including like the 3 of the only 5 good players they actually have. They are a boring, ugly team, and can not lose enough for my tastes. The fact they are in the NFC West where even a pack of retards and a handheld football game from the ‘80s for a playbook could win 5 games doesn’t make it easy for them suffer enough. But whatever, finishing below second in the NFC West again for the second year in a row (and hopefully the start of a long count of such seasons) is suffering enough I guess.
#5: OAKLAND RAIDERS (1-1, 20th overall) - Amazingly the Raiders have not looked completely retarded this year. They played the Chargers well, but lost. And then they played the Chiefs shitty, but won. I still can’t figure out why they got rid of Jeff Garcia though. I guess Jamarcus was getting talked up by Al Davis sitting in his golf cart at the practice facility, and Jamarcus was like, “I’m worried you might want to give up on me, Coach, with Garcia on the team.” Everybody knows the deal and calls Al Davis “coach” when Tom Arnold’s not around. Well, Al gets to thinking about it, and doesn’t want Jamarcus to worry, because he sees a lot of a young Plunkett in Jamarcus. Plus, why does Jeff Garcia have a Mexican last name? He’s a white dude - a small, whiny voiced white dude. So I guess Al cut him to make Jamarcus feel better. Pretty good move too, considering Russell was like 4 for 21 last week or some similarly retardedly bad shit that I don’t feel like looking up because this isn’t ESPN Page 2, it’s just some stupid blog that only seven people read.
#6: ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-1, 22nd overall) - I like Tim Hightower. I like Larry Fitzgerald. I actually have an irregular Antrel Rolle jersey that I like sporting fairly often. Anquin Boldin seems like a pretty good dude, so far as guys from Florida State go. But Kurt Warner is the most annoying piece of shit in professional football, and I actually rooted for the Cardinals stellar run last year just so it could end in a loss on the grandest stage and Warner could flame out even harder to end his career. Although I guess he got 91% pass completion last week, setting an all-time record. OR DID JESUS SET THE RECORD?
#7: ST. LOUIS RAMS (0-2, 29th overall) - They really fucking suck, and they almost beat the Redskins. That means the Redskins, my favorite sporting entity on all the earth, almost really fucking sucks. That Steve Spagnuolo dude seems a little too weaselly to be a successful head coach at this stage of his life. Then again, Brad Childress looks like a child molesting boy scout troop leader, and he’s 2-0, so maybe times have changed for the NFL. Man, it used to be I’d be like, “Well, there’s still this many players older than me in the league.” Now there’s coaches in the NFL younger than me. My time is short Dan Snyder, get your shit together. Please, for my sake.
#8: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (0-2, 32nd overall) - They’ve had like 19 first round picks the last five years, you’d think they could at least stumble into a win or something. I heard a guy on the talk radios do this, and I liked it and I encourage you all to do the same, but Matt Cassell’s last name should be pronounced like Sam Cassell from the NBA, so that it rhymes with Hyundai Excel. If we all do this, it would be a thing.
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