#1: BALTIMORE RAVENS (3-0, 4th overall) - The Ravens seem to be good again this year, with Joe Flacco not being a one-hit wonder, and that defense plugging along as always. This doesn't seem to be like the 13-3 Steve McNair aberrations type years, or even like the Trent Dilfer Super Bowl year. (Man, Trent Dilfer sounds like a dude you could really trust on the ESPNs, doesn't he?) Ozzie Newsome may be the most solid GM in the league, not getting his proper credit because in a league that's just now starting to accept black head coaches, the idea of a black guy in charge of personnel decisions should best be left unpublished, before them uppitty negroes start wanting houses in the nice neighborhoods and college educations for their childrens (multiple mothers, am I right?) that don't involve athletic scholarships. The only real fault I can find with the Ravens right now is mayhaps they are peaking early, but that is a fault most NFL teams would love to experience.
#2: MINNESOTA VIKINGS (3-0, 6th overall) - Holy fuck, the Ol' Gunslinger showed a ridiculous highlight moment of ol' gunslingerocity last weekend, didn't he? When I think about Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre and the Vikings defense, it makes me want to talk like the old guy in Dazed & Confused who was talking to Randy "Pink" Floyd outside the little league baseball game. "Lookin' good, loooooookin' good." Jared Allen is still a chump ass though; and that's coming from someone who was born 1000% genetic white underclass, so it ain't no white trash hating going on. It's real recognizing fake, because real recognizes real, which is commonly accepted in the streets, and thus, real also recognizes the unreal, which is better described as fake, because it's actually real, but just a pussy assed form of real.
#3: CHICAGO BEARS (2-1, 7th overall) - Jay Cutler has, for two weeks in a row, disproved the pussy assed bitch allegations that would naturally surround a dude who wears a haircut like Jay Cutler does and throws more interceptions than playing Madden against your down's syndrome cousin and not letting him win until his mom peeks in on you and gives you that look. The Bears are appearing to be good, except they're not. Devin Hester is a Cinderella coach waiting to turn back into a pumpkin wearing an alternate orange jersey. And their defense should eventually crumble due to regular wear-and-tear, considering the heavyweights they've lost already this season. But Bears fans are an abundant lot, and also amusing, so enjoy it, and then get miserable again, so I can enjoy it.
#4: CINCINNATI BENGALS (2-1, 14th overall) - I will make a bold contentious statement and say that if Carson Palmer had lived an injury free NFL career, he would be regarded as second only to maybe Peyton Manning or Tom Brady in the NFL, and perhaps on the same level. It seems when he is healthy the past few years, this team overperforms, and when he's hurt, they are the Bengals we have all come to expect. And Chad Ochocinco is still the most obviously closeted dude in the NFL. And the one non-Redskin jersey I want more than any other is that big longhaired Samoan DT dude for the Bengals one. He seems like a straight up bro to me.
#5: PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-2, 16th overall) - The Steelers have struggled, and I don't know how long Polamalu is out, but Willie Parker picked up his pace this past weekend, and they're still the Steelers. Even if they stumble throughout this year, worst case scenario, they miss the wild card by a game. Plus, within three years, they'll be back in the Super Bowl. No one can win it every year, and the Steelers seem a little off their violent swagger this year, but it's a long season with time for corrections so long as you don't fall too far down. And 1-2 after three weeks is not too far down, although the loss in Cincinnati was strange and demoralizing.
#6: GREEN BAY PACKERS (2-1, 19th overall) - You know what? I don't give a fuck about the Green Bay Packers. I would like too, but after Brett Favre through that amazing TD pass to win the game last weekend, I realized I didn't love the Packers, I loved their farvy style.
#7: DETROIT LIONS (1-2, 20th overall) - Everything is uphill for the Lions. They don't have to win their first game ever in recent memory of the ADHD Generation anymore. Now, they can cut loose, take Calvin Johnson off the chain, and grab some confidence. Matt Millen is gone. Fords are starting to sell again, little by little. We're almost due for another crappy Kid Rock made for multiple formats of radio payola hit. Perhaps now we can stop wondering how we sposed to keep da peace.
#8: CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-3, 30th overall) - The Browns seem a popular pick to perhaps repeat the 0-16 feat, which I think is naive. You know how much luck in the negative way you have to have to actually not win a single game? Even more depressive to me is Brady Quinn. Dude actually had some national commercial endorsements, as he was a QB golden boy. But he got benched for stupid Derek Anderson. Eric Mangini is only three games into his stint as the Browns coach, and is already potentially to be fired. What a fucking mess. But most important to me is that Joshua Cribbs' gangsta ass get some return yards to help my fantastical dorkball team.
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