(he is sad because Redskins no score big touchdown)
Even though the Redskins won, I will not be moving the positive/negative scale upwards, because 5 times in the red zone for 3 field goals is some weak ass shit. Beating a team that's lost 16 out of 18 by 2 points at home is some weak ass shit. Now, I'm not all on the tip like fans booing the team at the end of the game, because they did at least win, but I'm all with everybody booing with the predictable offense and fucking lackluster performances almost all around. So it will remain three positives, one even steven, and five negative nancy pants boys, yet again. And it goes a little something like this...
3RD DEGREE POSITIVE - CHRIS COOLEY. I’ll start out by apologizing to Chris Cooley for all the disparaging things I said (except for his t-shirts on his website, which are ugly as fuck). Who am I to say a man has changed in a bad way by settling down? I mean, I used to do acid and break into houses, and now look at me, coaching youth soccer on Saturday mornings, master of duck duck goose. Who could’ve thunk it? Why does it fall on Cooley’s shoulders to remain a modern day Riggins just so I can live vicariously through him? And really, watching the Redskins the first two games of this year, the most obvious thing on the offensive side of the ball is that, even though they sent Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels and Mike Sellers to Hawaii last year too, Cooley is the only true Pro Bowler on this team. That’s not to knock those guys, but true Pro Bowler, true NFL hard rock mode, that means when the other team knows what’s up and double teams you or makes plans to stifle you, you still get your’s. That is Cooley. The other team can know in their mind and watch film all week long thinking, “#47 is their go-to guy and we are going to fuck that up for them.” Yet Cooley still makes noise offensively, regardless. The guy is a straight up workhorse on Sunday afternoons, so I can tolerate all the blogospheric masturbatory activities he engages in the rest of the week he wants to. To be completely honest, if I hit the numbers tomorrow, and I had some set aside for one nice Redskins jersey with the stitched numbers and letters instead of the iron-on kind, I’d get a #47. Can you get customized embroidered ones? Because I’d like the name to read CHAOS. Captain Chaos, I know you dick around on the internet all the time, so if you happenstance upon this, I am cracking this cold ass Yuengling to you bro. Also, did you ever rock out to the first L.A. Guns record? That shit’s great. It’s the self-titled one, you should take it. I think “Show No Mercy” would make a great motivational song for you.
2ND DEGREE POSITIVE - CHRIS HORTON. Last year’s 7th round draft pick surprise, proving even a blind squirrel like Vinny Cerrato can find a nut in the NFL draft. He was solid last year, and he’s solid this year again, proving it was no fluke. A crushing play where he concussed the ball out of Donnie Avery’s hands to end a drive inside the Redskins red zone was his big play, and some timely stepping up on the Rams last drive made Horton a guy who stood out on what was a pretty solid defensive performance by the Redskins. Apparently, reading the paper today, that one long run Steven Jackson busted was Horton’s fault, but honestly, if a dude can be a headhunter as a safety, but not get so caught up in that he loses track of his regular responsibilities at times (ala Laron Landry), I’ll let the guy make a big mistake now and then. It’s also pretty telling in a secondary full of first round draft picks (including three guys who were top 10 overall picks in Landry, DeAngelo Hall, and Carlos Rogers) that a 7th round guy is making a name for himself. It’s that hard-working mentality, as Horton has a reputation as a guy who breaths game film during the week, to complement his athletic gifts, which might not be as gifted as others. If I hit the numbers tomorrow night, I’ll probably get a #48 jersey too. Skins fans need to start rocking those in the crowd, so that stupid ass Dan Snyder knows not to let the dude go in favor of some overrated, high-priced free agent strong safety.
1ST DEGREEE POSITIVE - ALBERT HAYNESWORTH. People be jocking Haynesworth because he’s always sucking wind and having to take plays off, but seriously, dude is 350 pounds like the fat Samoans that usually play defensive tackle, yet he is a cut ass black dude with speed. He’s gonna need to breath heavy to keep his genetically freakish body from having internal organ failure due to extreme physical exertion. And if you watch the games, he ties up the middle of the offensive line, whether it be the Rams or the Giants. When a guy can regularly push two big fucking goon O-linemen backwards and clog up running lanes or the QB’s view of the field, I got no gripe. I know Dan Snyder probably overpaid him, and there’s a history of high-priced failures under the Snyder regime, but give Haynesworth a break. The guy could cripple both Tony Romo and Eli Manning, and just because he’s making a gazillion ear dollars, people would be hating on him because he didn’t cripple Donovan McNabb against the Eagles. Give the guy time. He’ll cripple them all. And hopefully stomp on the bare forehead of Dallas Cowboys players with his spiked cleats, too.
EVEN DEGREE - CLINTON PORTIS. Portis doesn’t dominate with speed like he did a few years back, but he’s a smart player, way smarter than you’d expect from such a street-talking ruffian black man with an expensive fashion sense. I got nothing but love for C.P. and if the Redskins had more going on around him, he’d be getting positivity points from me. I do not understand why a professional football team in 2009, when some offenses are actually moving to the triple threat backfield of halfbacks, sits pat with one solid halfback (Portis) and what is basically a stripped down bare bones lesser version of the same year model (Ladell Betts, just as old as Portis, which is Portis’s alleged shortcoming, which I do not deny, as he does not have the long distance breakaway speed anymore... a 35-yard gain is gonna be about it for him, and he’s gonna need an injection of oxygen afterwards). Most teams have the sense to get some variety going on.
1ST DEGREE NEGATIVE - JASON CAMPBELL. Everybody’s throwing Campbell under the bus as well, but I think he did pretty damn good this week. After the stupid staying in the pocket too long against the Giants that resulted in a strip/fumble recovery/touchdown for the Giants trifecta, Campbell had the sense to bolt once he’d been in the pocket for 3 or 4 seconds this week, resulting in some nice runs. I think people forget he’s a black quarterback sometimes and black quarterbacks are the greatest rushing quarterbacks civilization has ever seen. For some reason that is seen as a latently racist thing to say, but if I were a black quarterback, I’d be more than stoked to proclaim how I’m a superior rusher if I need to be, and plus I’m way smarter than stupid white people from 1948 thought possible, so I am the ultimate quarterback, so take your tired ass A.J. Feeleys and Jeff Garcias and ram them up your racist asses.
2ND DEGREE NEGATIVE - SANTANA MOSS. I have had it up to here with Santana Moss acting like an arrogant fool when he makes one of his 3 catches per game for a first down. And at the same time, I can’t really hold it against Santana Moss too much, because he’s a tiny dude that is getting asked to be the #1 go-to guy on a team without a bonafide #2 receiver. Neither of last year’s alleged superstars-in-the-making have done jackshit, even after another training camp of newspaper article hype and coaching quotables of hope. In fact, fuck it man. Randle El is best as a #3, and Moss needs something to help him try to be a #1 instead of having his tiny little ass double teamed into obscurity, but Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas ain’t doing shit. I should give them negative degrees, but it’s hard to even really consider either one of them part of the team yet. Neither has made a mark, at all, other than as a pair of textbook examples of “Hahaha, Vinny Cerrato is a dumbass.” We spoke of Chris Horton above and how he was a shockingly good player from the 7th round. Put Marko Mitchell in there. He showed more passion and heart this preseason than Kelly and Thomas have in two years combined. Yeah, he’s only a 7th rounder that made the team as the 5th and last wide receiver, but fuck it man. Something has to be done. He’s a big dude who could maybe catch an alley oop in the red zone (meaning touchdowns, which is what most teams score in the NFL). Plus he’s a hungry ass late round draft pick. There’s too much entitlement with these Redskins, which I guess is to be expected from amassing a hodgepodge collection of high-priced, high-profile, high-promise players. You hear all the time with this team the last two weeks about how “with the talent we have we should blah blah blah.” Guess what? It’s the NFL, every fucking team has a ton of talent. This is not the NBA where being talented can put you in the playoffs. Dudes need some fucking heart, and they need to do the little bullshit, the dirty work. High-priced, high-profile, high-promise motherfuckers don’t like to do the dirty work a lot of the time. So fuck those other dudes. If they can’t make some noise against the Rams, and don’t do it again against the shitty ass B-level Detroit Lions defense this week, fuck them both. Put them on injured reserve for trivial injuries, start Marko Mitchell, and sign some guy from UPS or the CFL to round out your receiving corps. Except Snyderratto would sign some washed up dude with a big name. Is Jerry Porter out the league? If so, then that’s who they’d sign probably.
3RD DEGREE NEGATIVE - ROBERT HENSON. He’s an obscure linebacker who made some negative twitters about fans booing the Redskins at home, saying they worked at McDonalds and shit like that. First off bro, fans were booing because they were drunk and the collective entity known as the Washington Redskins were harshing their buzz rather mightily. It’s a natural reaction of the inebriated mind. So don’t be so prudish. Secondly, fuck NFL players who twitter. Fuck people who twitter. That’s the dumbest shit. Fuck me for listening to gay ass Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio interview Ashton Kuchar and him talking about how he has built his twitter audience up. IT IS NOTHING AND WILL BE GONE BY LIKE NEXT JULY except for people’s moms and shit, showing up with their late pass. Also, once twitter does run its course, hopefully somebody create a similar forum for N.O.R.E.
4TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - DAN SNYDER. The Redskins have been with me my whole life, and a great influence on my younger days. It’s like my grandfather except it kicked more ass than my grandfather. (My grandfather was a mellow dude, and my mom just relayed a story her cousin told her about the dude when he was in the hospital towards the very end. The nurses said he had put on his hat, took out his own IVs, jacked a walker from the old guy in the next room, and started leaving the hospital. Except he had no clothes on. So they gave him like double sedatives but he wouldn’t pass out because he was intent on going home. My mom’s cousin - which I guess is like my super uncle or second cousin once approved or something - was asking him what was up. Well, my grandfather had almost died, like for real though. Super uncle second cousin asked him if he saw a light or anything, and my grandfather answered, “Well, it wasn’t hot. I should’ve chased more women.” And he reached over and pinched the nurse on the ass.) Well, Mr. Dan Snyder, ten years ago my ass-kicking fake grandfather got sick and was put in a home, and you came along, sedated him, and raped his limp carcass, for your own profitable pleasure. I hope all your overpriced parking passes and obstructed view seats and lawsuits against 72-year-old ladies will comfort you once you run this team into oblivion, you little-dicked piece of shit.
5TH DEGREE NEGATIVE - JIM ZORN. The verdict is still out on Jim Zorn - Head Coach. This team lacks an overall intensity, and that’s probably his fault, with his “Stay Medium” Phil Jackson of the NFL ass mountain biking zen mantra mentality. But the verdict is definitely in already on Jim Zorn - Offensive Coordinator. He sucks. This offense doesn’t falter because all the players suck so much as the play-calling sucks. It’s like playing Madden football against my 9-year-old cousin, and you sneak peeks at him calling plays, since you know he’s going to call one of the 4 plays he knows how to do. And then you crush him, short of the first down marker on the fucking regular. I feel bad for Zorn because he was obviously a fill-in choice by Snyder who was thrown in way over his head. But still, the shit falls on him. His brand of the west coast offense is the most impotent, easily predictable crap I’ve ever seen. At least when Joe Gibbs predictably called the same four plays, he instilled in the team a smashmouth mentality that encouraged you to force those plays on the opposing team. This is an unintense team doing predictable bullshit, which is why they got inside the 10 yard line five times against the Rams and only got 3 field goals out of it. The 10 yard line is not even Red Zone offense, that’s Platinum Club. 5 trips and 3 chip shot field goals out of it. Fucking pathetic.
ACCUMULATED INFLUENCES UPON THIS FRANCHISE 2009, BEST TO WORST (ties broken by my personal opinion): TE Chris Cooley (+5), MLB London Fletcher (+3), SS Chris Horton (+2), DT Albert Haynesworth (+1), P Hunter Smith (+1), HB Clinton Portis (even), WR/PR Antwan Randle El (even), CB DeAngelo Hall (-1), FS Laron Landry (-2), LB Robert Henson (-3), QB Jason Campbell (-5), WR/PR Santana Moss (-5), Coach Jim Zorn (-5), Owner Dan Snyder (-9).
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