Boddingtons Pub Ale

AFFORDABILITY: The Boddingtons is a tall, yellow, English can in collections of four, with the wooden freshness wicket inside that is some sort of limey technological advance, and I can’t front on that because them dudes been drinking forever, and appreciate a good neighborly drunk ass far more than we do in America. I guess we are too much of a car culture, and the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers went buckwild with governmental lobbying power over convicted rapists who drank 49 beers and ran through two red lights and a stop sign into a front yard full of four-year-olds having a wholesome birthday party. I cannot say the Boddingtons was cheap, but it is limey - the Motherland - so I consider that a heritage tax. Of course, I’m an All-American Southern mutt of a man, but I know from my last name at least, I be having blood alcohol content lines from the land of Andy Capp and fried fish wrapped up in yesterday’s newspaper. 4 out of 5.
DESTROYABILITY: I have found the drunkenness factor of most limey beers to depend on my mood. I think it is because I am so thoroughly an American mostly Southern mutt of a man, that my very thick limey roots sometimes are crosswired by other influences. Used to be a few Guinnesses was like my favorite money-to-burn drunk I could want. It doesn't seem to work so much anymore. Honestly, I think this is due to my wife's introduction to fermented foods to our diet, like sauerkraut as well as spicy kimchi, but the spicy kimchi is cabbage-heavy, red cabbage at that, and comes off more German than Korean, at least to me, especially since I eat it with bratwursts. Really, counter-fermented sauerkraut, as opposed to the sterilized pasteurized and uselessized store style sauerkraut, has such a tingly taste from the lactobacilli - so healthy for you - it blends perfectly with a good sausage made from non-genetically mutated pigs. You know the pig industry pretty much has modified them bitches completely so that they all grow to the exact same size so instead of having humans (or Mexicans) slaughter them, they can have a fully automated assembly line where the knives cut at the same height or spot as programmed and since all the pigs have been bred to be clones, it works, saves the company tons of money on having to pay humans to prepare meat foods for other humans, thus maximizing the profit for the parent corporation, which will all one day form like Voltron in the Heavens, and feast on baby blood. The trick will be to take the demented Alzheimer’s ridden brains of our growing elderly populace and make tonics from them using apple cider vinegar and a few sprigs of astralagus root, to mix into the baby’s food (hopefully breast milk if you want to naturally immunize your child against manmade trifles like swine flu or Star magazine), which will put into the baby blood pathogens that haywire the Voltron corporate overlord, eventually destroying him (or her I guess, if women can consider the possibility of female ultimate god, they should be game for female ultimate devil). So when you see old people being crazy, even in your own family, I know it seems uncomfortable at times, and can be a depressingly difficult thing to deal with. But remember, it is all a part in our gradual return to our own humanity, which we have strayed from. Anyways, my clusterfuck genetics were not recognizing their old world influences while drinking upon the Boddingtons Pub Ale, but it’s cool man. It’s cool. 2 out of 5.
LABEL AESTHETIC: Mostly yellow and black with highlights and embosses of white and red, and an oak barrel with some bumblebees on it in the middle. Very simple, yet tight. A back panel explains their Draughtflow technology, which attempts unsuccessfully to imitate the perfection of it being pulled by hand into a glass (they say it’s imperfect, not me), and it makes me want to be a drunkard. 4 out of 5.
CORPORATE MASTER: Man, I love the questionable cover companies of foreign beers in America. This yeller can says, "Brewed by Inbev UK Limited," which sounds tight as fuck and like the Russian mafia along with some questionable Irishmen might be involved, plus "Imported by Import Brands Alliance, St. Louis, MO," which suggest some Anheuser-Douchery most likely, but one can never tell. I did think though that Import Brands Alliance was Harley Race's wrestling promotion where he used dudes from Pro Wrestling Noah in a Missouri strip mall to have fake fights in front of 75 people. Harley Race was great. I was just watching some Best of Starrcade dubVD in the background while doing some other bullshit writing project the other night, and that Ric Flair/Harley Race cage match was awesome. It's embarrassing to admit you liked wrestling in 2009, because even the “good” stuff is homoerotic and degenerate. It’s like porn, none of it is wholesome for regular people to watch anymore, just foster home kids and those of questionable intellect. I have found, in persona recent experience, that porn is a lost cause. With the presence of someone else, watching porn actually gets in the way of sexual activity, because a majority of porn is catering to some sort of twisted and incompetent individual. Sad thing is I think people watch it, including girls, and they think crap like having panties stuffed in their mouths is kosher. Look, in the case a girl is reading this, as a 36-year-old man who loves sex and is alpha male as fuck yet is raising three daughters of his own, you should never put a dude’s dick in your mouth before you kiss him. And if he won’t kiss you afterwards, he’s an asshole. Same thing for him though. If he gives you head, you better kiss him if he comes up for air. Seriously. 4 out of 5.
OVERALL AMBIANCE: Enjoyable, a nice balance of snooty and down-to-earth. Were I a rich man, I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking this, and as I’m a poor man, I would never fill a cooler to head down to the river to soak away the summer humidity with these things, with their new-fangled internal corks and shit. In fact, I’m gonna rip this bitch open and see what a “widget” exactly is... Apparently, a Brit-beer widget, at least as found inside this can of Boddington’s, is some sort of gumball machine toy from a grocery store after aliens openly live among us, and it smells like you drained a can of dollar sardines on a hairy vagina. Still though, I love cans of sardines, hairy vaginas, and alien conspiracies. Plus, widgets are way better inside beer cans than inside internets. 8 out of 5, and I keep smelling my fingers. I’m nasty.
TOTAL RATING: 4 & 2/5 STARS!